Asking STBXH to do this pick-up every week?

[Pelagi]

So I’m genuinely wondering whether I am being unreasonable. I’ll explain but I’m also trying not to make this too long!

STBXH and I have 3 DC. Two of them do a sporting activity once a week and need to be picked up and brought back to my house. I asked him if he’d do this every week rather than us alternating it every other week.

I’d suggested it on the basis that he’d said he wanted to take a greater part in looking after them.

The balance of us looking after them is like this:

Every other weekend at our respective homes. DC1 and DC2 stay at mine every school night, DC3 stays at his 2 school nights out of 5. This is basically what they’ve chosen, works best for them as regards school.

Dinner made by paid child care person 2 days, 1 day by me, 1 day by him, then we alternate weeks for the 5th day.

I work 4 days a week and cover all expenses for the DCs including paid childcare, school uniform, clubs, clothes etc. STBXH covers costs (food, obviously, fun activities) when they are with him but doesn’t contribute financially otherwise. He says he can’t afford it.

So basically I feel that I have more burden of the “drudge work” just associated with having the DCs those extra days - they are lovely of course but they still need chivvying to get ready, refereeing arguments etc, and I have more of that. I also do most of the kidmin - not least because it’s me paying for it all. And I’m working pretty hard to pay for the stuff too.

Therefore I thought it would be fair for him to take on that pick-up every week as it would balance things up a bit. (Paid child care person drops them off so we don’t need to do that).

But he seems outraged almost. He said:

“No. That’s not the sort of thing that is beneficial to anyone. I need more quality time with the [DCs], not a few snatched minutes in the car when they are generally tired and uncommunicative. Those journeys don’t count.”

I feel (a) it all counts and (b) it’s not just about what he needs. But I’d appreciate opinions.

PS please don’t be too mean

You should claim maintenance if you are entitled. If not, make sure you split the jobs, ask him if he wants haircuts or dentists. Obviously with associated costs.

I suppose some parents can be arsed and some can’t. Luckily I have one that can and will do his fair share of pick ups even when they are not staying over. He does see it as extra time with the kids and just being a present parent.

However I know that’s a rarity going off these boards.

YANBU to ask.

He just wants to cherry pick the good bits and leave you to do the grunt work and pay for everything. I would contact CMS today. I know you said he hides his income but he must declare something to HMRC.

He should absolutely be pitching in with the parenting of his DC.

And yes, parenting is essentially a taxi service for vast periods of time, whether that's the school run or sports fixtures or whatever.

He is on a REALLY good deal at the moment.

I can't believe he's not jumping at the chance to spend more time with his kids bearing in mind how little they see him and how they dont want to stay at his in the week.

You obviously can't force him to step up and be a decent parent, bit it's incredibly sad he doesn't want to be.

Presumably that's why you're divorcing him!

I think morally you are not being in the slightest bit unreasonable to ask him to do a fraction of the grunt work of parenting but legally and socially very little is expected or demanded of fathers. I know there are some exceptions but generally a mother has to be completely unfit before a father is expected to do anything. I worry about what would happen to my kids if anything happened to me as their fathers are fucking useless and seem to see themselves as doing something heroic when they take the children they were involved in creating. Gives me the rage!!

He can’t have more quality time because he’s already got half of that!

Don’t offer him more weekend time whatever you do - that’s not fair at all.

What you suggested was quite reasonable - he needs to be taking more of the drudge work in the week and definitely not any of your weekend time. In would suggest he take Sunday night on his weekends but I can see the older two don’t want that.

And get maintenance through CSA if he won’t give it up.

My Dd doesn’t like having stuff at two homes and it is hard for her keeping track of everything but I think she’s learning a lot about being organised

I can see his point. He is probably a bit upset that they don't want to stay with him during the week, so being there just as taxi is a bit of a kick in the teeth.

What's the distance or time it takes to getthere and back and is it longer going back to yours than his?

What I don't get us if they have dinner at his, can't these days be the say if activities do they go back to his for dinner?

I agree that you get best interaction from them on the way to activities but not do much on the way back.

Would he agree to take them and you bring them back?

The reply is "its beneficial to our children"

Or "it would be nice if you were more involved with them"

Ugh, what a prince among men this loser is. I hope you absolutely rinse him in the divorce, OP.

He says he wants more quality time with them in an alternate week schedule, even though the children have expressly stated that is not their wish. He refuses to pay maintenance, even though he can afford it from his capital assets. These 2 facts alone suggest he doesn’t care a great deal about what is in the children’s best interests.
@Pelagi sadly, you can’t make him do the pick ups if he doesn’t want to but I can’t see anything unreasonable in you asking. And I strongly suspect that his request for alternate weeks has bugger all to do with wanting more quality time with them. As he rebuilds his business and starts having an income, he knows you’ll then have a case with CSM. I’m guessing he wants 50/50 before that happens.

@Pelagi don't get me wrong I'll ask what he's been upto etc but being that he's 7 I usually get "can't remember" as an answer and I don't push it further. I'm obviously aware of weekly commitments such as Beavers and swimming lessons (in normal times) but whoever he is with whether it is mum or dad takes responsibility on their days for making sure he gets there with the necessary uniform and equipment

put a charge on his 'mortgage free' house....so if he ever sells you can claim some of the money for backdated child maintenance

put a charge on his 'mortgage free' house....so if he ever sells you can claim some of the money for backdated child maintenance.
That’s quite a good idea! Bonus to think of his face when he found out. And I like kidmin.
A lot of weird opinions here - ‘you’re basically asking him to be a taxi’. Or a dad. I anticipate dp and I spending quite a lot of time taxiing and allocating taxi roles between us. It’s parenting at that age. Which is obviously something he’s not keen on.

But the problem with 'whoever he's with does it' means the default parent, usually the mum does EVERYTHING. The parent with some % of contact less than about 30 % does bugger all. How is that fair?

I agree that time with teens in the car is quality time- that’s when I find out what’s going on! My two play various sports ( in normal times) and they usually get into the car bursting to tell me things.

Plus being a parental taxi service is part of the job description! YANBU, OP, you’re carrying the brunt of the responsibilities and if I were your ex and couldn’t make a financial contribution, I’d expect to do more of the grunt work.

@Pelagi

Kidmin is a word isn’t it? All the admin associated with the children. Sadly the CMS won’t help me because he has a ton of capital but not much income.

The Child Support Miscellaneous Amendments Regulations 2018 reintroduced a ground for varying child maintenance on the basis of assets held. The threshold for factoring in the assets is £31250. This will be at a rate of 8%. You need to contact cms citing this.

I’m sure you could arrange it so he sees more of them, maybe one day in every weekend, as well as time in the week, and encourage or tell them to see their dad in the week. You can’t complain you’re doing all work if they spend most of their time with you.

It’s always worth putting in a cms claim or perhaps talking to a solicitor about a financial order

northern they don't want to spend more time with him. And why should the op lose some of her 'quality time' with them and only get to do all the grunt work?

The kids are already noticing he's a shit parent. The two oldest want to spend as little time as possible with him. It's shit, but do the pick ups and guaranteed, he'll be the lonely old sod whereas you'll have kids that love you even as adults.