Asking STBXH to do this pick-up every week?

[Pelagi]

So I’m genuinely wondering whether I am being unreasonable. I’ll explain but I’m also trying not to make this too long!

STBXH and I have 3 DC. Two of them do a sporting activity once a week and need to be picked up and brought back to my house. I asked him if he’d do this every week rather than us alternating it every other week.

I’d suggested it on the basis that he’d said he wanted to take a greater part in looking after them.

The balance of us looking after them is like this:

Every other weekend at our respective homes. DC1 and DC2 stay at mine every school night, DC3 stays at his 2 school nights out of 5. This is basically what they’ve chosen, works best for them as regards school.

Dinner made by paid child care person 2 days, 1 day by me, 1 day by him, then we alternate weeks for the 5th day.

I work 4 days a week and cover all expenses for the DCs including paid childcare, school uniform, clubs, clothes etc. STBXH covers costs (food, obviously, fun activities) when they are with him but doesn’t contribute financially otherwise. He says he can’t afford it.

So basically I feel that I have more burden of the “drudge work” just associated with having the DCs those extra days - they are lovely of course but they still need chivvying to get ready, refereeing arguments etc, and I have more of that. I also do most of the kidmin - not least because it’s me paying for it all. And I’m working pretty hard to pay for the stuff too.

Therefore I thought it would be fair for him to take on that pick-up every week as it would balance things up a bit. (Paid child care person drops them off so we don’t need to do that).

But he seems outraged almost. He said:

“No. That’s not the sort of thing that is beneficial to anyone. I need more quality time with the [DCs], not a few snatched minutes in the car when they are generally tired and uncommunicative. Those journeys don’t count.”

I feel (a) it all counts and (b) it’s not just about what he needs. But I’d appreciate opinions.

PS please don’t be too mean

Why can't he 'afford' to pay for uniforms, clothes and activities for his children? He should be paying for half of this; and if he won't, then I'd make it absolutely clear to the children why some things are missing. Does he place any value on this sporting activity? If you cancelled it because he neither pays/collects them, would he care?

@YerAWizardHarry

You should be taking responsibility for your children during your contact time. I don't even know what my DS gets up to with his dad and step mum because it's really none of my business. I can't believe you're touting giving them a lift home from their club as being a positive for him

This is interesting. I don’t think this would work for us. We both need to know their schedule, if only because sometimes we need to swap days round, if he’s unavailable for some reason on “his” day, or vice versa for me. And I chat to the DCs about what they do for fun when they are with their dad just because I’m interested. I mean, they don’t have to tell me, but I think I can ask them, in the same way I’m interested in what my mum has got up to at the weekend or whatever.

@katy1213

Why can't he 'afford' to pay for uniforms, clothes and activities for his children? He should be paying for half of this; and if he won't, then I'd make it absolutely clear to the children why some things are missing. Does he place any value on this sporting activity? If you cancelled it because he neither pays/collects them, would he care?

He says he isn’t earning enough. But he still spends money on “fun” stuff, so it comes down to a choice I think. I wouldn’t cancel the activities though, because the DCs want to do them.

I like “Kidmin”

Those car rides are some of my best time for kid catchups. There is something about the positioning and being a bit tired that tends to make them talkative.

Well yes, I agree, I quite like those little car journeys when they can’t avoid me, before they disappear into their rooms for the entire evening

Ahh right I see what you mean, I do think the lack of maintenance changes things quite a bit in the grand scheme of things. Given that info I would probably be asking him to do some more of the grunt work then and I in all honesty would feel resentful if he said no. Have you brought up the lack of financial support for the kids with him and asked him to buck up in other areas?

I know you say he has no income on capital but he must be funding his lifestyle somehow, have you thought of asking CMS to do a financial investigation? It’s not an easy or quick process and you have to kick up a stink about things but they eventually will look into how he’s maintaining a lifestyle with no income.

Yes I’ve definitely brought up the lack of financial contribution!! He does have a lot of capital but the CMS only goes on income. I think he makes enough to cover his costs (he lives in a mortgage-free house) and “fun” stuff I guess comes from savings.

You are basically asking him to be a taxi😂 why would he do that if he asked to spend actual time with the kids not give them a lift.
Yabu

Well considering he isn’t planning to pay his way for the kids, are you planning to get a decent divorce split entitling you to (a good proportion) of the assets?

He is selfish. The question is what’s good for the children. Transport from activities is good for them. His focus is on what he’d enjoy. Ywnbu to ask him to contribute. If he does it, does that mean the youngest gets to stay home?

Is he working at all? He really needs to be contributing financially.

I'd be going down the CMS route, they are his children too and having many for fun stuff doesn't outweigh the need for essentials.

Money*

I could have wrote your post. I have 3 DC who rarely stop at the exDHs and go for the occasional day. He does none of the Kidmin and hasn't paid a penny towards them for 5 years.
It's exhausting at times.

““No. That’s not the sort of thing that is beneficial to anyone.“”

Well, it would be beneficial to YOU, and it would be beneficial to the children. What he means is “that wouldn’t directly benefit me”, so why can’t he just say that? Selfish prick. YANBU OP.

“I can't believe you're touting giving them a lift home from their club as being a positive for him ”

I think think the OP did, did she? She has quite clearly stated that, in the absence of monetary contribution, some practical help from the children’s father would be reasonable. Which it is.

@Loftyloft

Well considering he isn’t planning to pay his way for the kids, are you planning to get a decent divorce split entitling you to (a good proportion) of the assets?

That would be good, still working on it.

“You are basically asking him to be a taxi😂”

... which is a major part of parenting children of that age. But yes, you’re right! How laughable that a mother should ask the children’s father to pitch in and help!

God, some of the replies on here are so depressing

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

He is selfish. The question is what’s good for the children. Transport from activities is good for them. His focus is on what he’d enjoy. Ywnbu to ask him to contribute. If he does it, does that mean the youngest gets to stay home?

Is he working at all? He really needs to be contributing financially.

He has his own business, working from home. It seems that while we were together (until just over a year ago) he let it run down to almost nothing. Now he says he is trying to build it up again.

Say fine, you'll be pursuing child support so that you can fund an actual taxi.

He should be owing you quite a bit per week, if he has capital but low income then he can live like the rest of us and take out a mortgage or sell, to help pay for his kids.

Anyway I count myself as not being totally U because someone else has used the word kidmin

@OverTheRubicon

Say fine, you'll be pursuing child support so that you can fund an actual taxi.

He should be owing you quite a bit per week, if he has capital but low income then he can live like the rest of us and take out a mortgage or sell, to help pay for his kids.

The interesting but depressing thing is that the CMS doesn’t say that. The CMS goes solely on what income they (choose to) have.

Can't believe some of the responses. The op doesnt have 'contact time' she is the default resident parent and he cherry picks the bits he wants to do. My ex does this. He was he'll do any grunt work that falls on his, dad but as his dad 4 x per month at weekends, that's not often and he has actually refused anyway. OP I have no real advice other than trying to point out to him that parenting isnt just 'quality time' it's the boring and inconvenient bits too. He could turn it into a nice thing by combining the lif with a weekly MaccD trip or back to his for their favourite dinner or something, but ultimately, YANBU to want this but it's unlikely you'll get anywhere because society roundly supports disney dads and castigates the female default parent for any suggestion they are not weeping with grateful relief that he looks their way once in a while.

I told him recently he risked becoming a Disney Dad but he claimed never to have heard of that term...

So he'd like alternate weeks. 2 out if the 3 children have chosen to only see him every alternate weekend, which you've supporters, and you'd like him to pick them up (all three)? take them to an activity, and then drop them back at yours after, he'd rather have time with them. Why can he not have extra days during the school week with them?

It’s 2 of the DCs, they get dropped off there by someone else, he would pick them up and bring them back to me (we live close by). DC3 would be at mine the whole time and would come with me if I did the pick-up.

The DCs are happy with the current number of evenings they have at the two houses. We’ve asked (regularly) if they want to increase the number of evenings/nights at his and they say no.

Anyway I’ve concluded that I wouldn’t be asking, or reasonable to ask, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s not contributing financially. To me it seems like a way to make up a bit for that.