Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend won't have sex with me?

65 replies

seaglass5 · 20/09/2020 23:03

Just that really. Our sex life has always been great, we used to have sex multiple times a week, always enjoyed each other’s company etc. However it’s been over a month now since we made love. He just won’t do it. I noticed something was off when he started positioning himself funnily in bed, usually he’d sleep with his body pressed into mine or he’d hold me and then things would lead to sex but he started sleeping on his tummy or rolling the other way. Now I can literally walk around naked and nothing. Usually his hands are all over me. I’d be wearing shorts in the kitchen and he’d come up behind me. But now it’s like he’s not interested. We may as well be roommates.

I had had enough tonight and I bought it up, he said he’s just lost his sex drive. It is nothing I’ve done and he still finds me incredibly attractive etc but he just has no desire to make love. It makes me so sad because I am now constantly thinking I am not good enough, or maybe he doesn’t find me attractive anymore even though he said he absolutely does. He is overweight and he thinks it’s the contributing factor in his low labido. Can weight really affect your sex drive? Just feel so frustrated sexually. He’s not put on large amounts of weight or anything it’s been a steady increase just feels strange how all of a sudden it’s happened? It’s so hard to be with someone who you feel doesn’t desire you anymore.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
seaglass5 · 20/09/2020 23:04

He's asleep next to me, and I'm literally in tears. Just feel so sad.

OP posts:
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/09/2020 23:10

I've had years of this. I have no advice but it ruins your self confidence. My partner has issues with erection and it's ruined his confidence and subsequently his sex drive. This has ruined my confidence and actually I think permanently wrecked our intimacy and the bond we once had.

Honestly I would advise he try Viagra if it's his sex drive. If your sex life is ruined it won't be long before it affects other aspects of your life. My advice is to talk to him in the cold light of day and ask him to speak to a GP. Given the current pandemic I would advise he does it soon as it may be harder to get an appointment for something like this in a couple of weeks. This will destroy your relationship.if left. I honestly think it will.

Feelingconfused2020 · 20/09/2020 23:12

I have been lying next to him in tears countless times over the last 15 years so I'm with you in spirit OP.

OptimisticSix · 20/09/2020 23:12

I think weight definitely can affect libido. If he feels unhappy with his weight and not sexy he may not want sex... I definitely have a much higher sex drive when I feel slimmer... It is awful for you though, DH went through a stage where he was just too tired which should have been absolutely fine but made me feel awful. I didn't say anything but I worried about it, felt unattractive and undesirable and basically miserable... Happy to report it didn't last too long though and we are back to normal. Hopefully the same will be the case for you too.

Honeyroar · 20/09/2020 23:14

Has it just been going on for the last month? Has he something else stressing him out in his life? Are you trying to get him to have sex and getting rejected a lot (might be making it worse for him?). Was he upset about it when you discussed it? Would he see a Dr if it continues for much longer?

Notimeforaname · 20/09/2020 23:16

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It's a horrible feeling I've been there.

A few months ago I went through the same thing with my partner.
I felt ugly even though he told me I was attractive and it wasn't my fault. I tried not to pressure or embarrass him but sometimes I lost it and a row would start.
Long story short he did start going to counselling for self esteem issues which led to him talking about all sorts of things I didn't know he was even worried about. He does it by phone now obviously but it does help and things got better.

I've read a lot on how to be patient and understanding which helps him tremendously as I hadn't known before his counselling that he would be so anxious getting into bed every night thinking I would want to get close and a fight would start.
So once he knew the pressure was off, we spent nights really cuddling and being close knowing it wasn't expected to turn into sex.
I know this isn't pleasant for you but it's really almost worse for him. I hope it gets better for you both.

Original poster
seaglass5 · 20/09/2020 23:18

He's starting a diet first thing in the morning to try and shift some weight. He's open to get back to how things were but that doesn't feel enough for me. What if it's not his weight? I have needs like anybody else, I can't go on forever like this. I have a really high sex drive. Feel so disgusting and unattractive.

I haven't pushed sex, I finished my period and kind of just expected to make love like normal and then a week past, and then two, then three and then I started to worry. I bought it up about a week ago and he said nothing was wrong. I left it and nothing changed and then bought it up again tonight because I had had enough and that's when he said he feels it's his weight.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 20/09/2020 23:20

Excessive weight (or fat to be specific) in men can lead to an increase in estrogen which can then lead to reduced libido. However, this is a fairly long and gradual process, not something that happens overnight. Other possibilities: He's stressed. He's been fucking around with steroids and has screwed up his natural hormones. He's suffering from performance anxiety, but you'd likely have noticed ED problems in the run up. He's getting it somewhere else. He's got it somewhere else and is waiting for an STI all-clear. Least likely option is that he's suddenly just gone off you.

Feelingconfused2020 · 20/09/2020 23:22

How fat can he have got in a month? Sorry but I'm not buying that it's his weight.

Original poster
seaglass5 · 20/09/2020 23:23

I just feel like we have lost our bond so to speak. Like that connection had been severed. And I know it's not all about sex, but a lot of our emotional connection is woven into our sexual relationship.

OP posts:
GoldfishParade · 20/09/2020 23:24

I wouldnt be surprised if lockdown and continuous close proximity to your partner has kind of desensitized a lot of people to their partner if you know what I mean.

Feelingconfused2020 · 20/09/2020 23:32

I just feel like we have lost our bond so to speak. Like that connection had been severed

I hear you. Talk to him tomorrow. In the daytime, away from the bedroom. If it's simply libido medication(viagra) will help.

TricolourCat · 20/09/2020 23:41

I'm sure it will become clear in time what it is, perhaps a blood test as a routine to check testosterone level hasn't dipped which it tends to with age in men, or nutrition to check that he's not lacking iron or vitamin D if you haven't had a holiday in a while and he has lacked sunshine due to working a lot etc. On the weight issue, Alec Baldwin has never had a problem being cast in films heavier then would be allowed for a female lead, in It's Complicated, he was sexy in his boxer shorts as he was playful and endearing as a character. Meryl Streep wasn't bothered about his tubbiness! He had bright eyes, a great head of hair and a cheeky smile that was enough. Depression is on the rise since March here and he could have a low mood so getting as much early morning light would help, if you have a dog to walk in the morning or can sit in the garden for breakfast or just plan to do stuff outside when there is morning light that would help rebalance his circadian rhythm and help raise mood. Maybe say you are concerned about him as he seems not himself entirely and encourage him to check up at the GP though getting in there is not easy I appreciate.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 20/09/2020 23:49

Is it just me or does being groped in the kitchen because I'm wearing shorts, or having DH pressed up against me while I'm trying to sleep, sound awful to anyone else?
Our sex life is actually on the upswing at the moment, but the above has never really appealed ; too clingy, too hot , too much breathing/snoring in my ear... Sex yes, then leave me be to get some rest.
How long have you been together? What else is going on in his life? I can't imagine crying myself to sleep if we hadn't had sex for a few weeks

Graphista · 21/09/2020 00:02

While pps are right about the various causes of loss of libido I think there’s another possibility unfortunately.

The suddenness of it, the way he’s steering clear of your bodies even touching in bed...

I’m afraid that sounds to me as if he’s discovered he has herpes!

Or, as @tootruetobegood mentioned he’s had someone alert him to a possible Sti infection and he’s awaiting results

Feelingconfused2020 · 21/09/2020 00:05

Obviously there's always the possibility that there's a medical reason (herpes etc) but come on, people do lose their sex drive.

If he suddenly randomly picks up again then yes maybe it is that I suppose.

Couchbettato · 21/09/2020 00:12

Has he been drinking a lot during lockdown?

How is his mental health?

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 21/09/2020 03:48

If it's just a recent change, I would consider whether depression could be a factor. Maybe try to gauge whether he's had any other symptoms and if so, encourage him to speak to his GP about a referral for counselling.

Symptoms can include:
Loss of interest in sex
Changes to sleep pattern (ie. needing much more sleep, always tired or insomnia)
Changes to appetite
Loss of interest in things he formerly enjoyed
Withdrawing from friends and family

Mintjulia · 21/09/2020 04:11

The only time that happened to me, my dp of the time had developed herpes and didn't know how to tell me.

Rather than assume he's gone off you, ask him. Deal with it head on.

Rosebel · 21/09/2020 04:24

Get him to see his GP. I went without sex for 2 years with my ex. It wasn't the only reason we split up but was certainly a big factor. He wouldn't go to the doctors and it just said to me that he didn't care.
Although I'm happy with my husband I still wonder what might have been if he'd got help

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/09/2020 05:01

How long have you been together? It really sounds like you've actually given up on the relationship altogether already, so if you're not that invested in it, I'd break it off with him now for his sake.

If I've interpreted you wrongly, then I agree he should go to the GP to check everything is physically ok. Yes, weight gain can certainly have an impact on libido, both emotionally and physically so him starting a diet is a great plan, for his general health as well as this.

Another possible reason for his sudden change is that he has someone else...

If he's embarrassed about it, then he definitely needs to read up and go to the GP because it's not unusual for it to happen. Doesn't make him any "less male" or anything.

GarlicMonkey · 21/09/2020 06:42

Off to the doctors for bloods (vitamin, Iron, testosterone levels). If they come back OK then start head scratching about the other stuff. Make sure you include porn in 'other stuff' as they're masters at hiding this habit & it can completely destroy sex lives & intimacy.

Original poster
seaglass5 · 21/09/2020 06:52

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit It's definitely not awful for us, don't really see the necessity to that comment? It's not as if I'm asleep and he wakes me, it's more so when m I get into bed and he rolls over and snuggles me, usually things lead on from there. It's a playful thing for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
seaglass5 · 21/09/2020 06:53

I haven't given up with the relationship at all. We have a DS who is 11 months so it's not ever going to be a quick decision. He is starting his diet today, and I'm going to speak to him and going to the GP as well.

OP posts:
FippertyGibbett · 21/09/2020 06:56

Is he watching porn ?
Is he thinking he might be gay ?
You need to think about how long you will put up with this situation before you would need to make a change.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread