Page 2 | My boyfriend won't have sex with me?

seaglass5 · 2020-09-20T22:03:24+00:00

Just that really. Our sex life has always been great, we used to have sex multiple times a week, always enjoyed each other’s company etc. However it’s been over a month now since we made love. He just won’t do it. I noticed something was off when he started positioning himself funnily in bed, usually he’d sleep with his body pressed into mine or he’d hold me and then things would lead to sex but he started sleeping on his tummy or rolling the other way. Now I can literally walk around naked and nothing. Usually his hands are all over me. I’d be wearing shorts in the kitchen and he’d come up behind me. But now it’s like he’s not interested. We may as well be roommates. I had had enough tonight and I bought it up, he said he’s just lost his sex drive. It is nothing I’ve done and he still finds me incredibly attractive etc but he just has no desire to make love. It makes me so sad because I am now constantly thinking I am not good enough, or maybe he doesn’t find me attractive anymore even though he said he absolutely does. He is overweight and he thinks it’s the contributing factor in his low labido. Can weight really affect your sex drive? Just feel so frustrated sexually. He’s not put on large amounts of weight or anything it’s been a steady increase just feels strange how all of a sudden it’s happened? It’s so hard to be with someone who you feel doesn’t desire you anymore. Any advice?

crazychemist · 21/09/2020 07:19

Might be a storm in a teacup? A month doesn’t sound all that strange to me in the context of a long term relationship with a small child in the mix, I think lots of new parents have dry spells for all sorts of reasons - sleeping poorly, feeling stressed about changes to lifestyle/expectations (especially during current Covid situation), thinking about whether to ttc#2... plenty of things can tip the balance!

I think I wouldn’t be overly impressed with DH if I felt he was pressuring me to have sex if I didn’t feel like it, and it would probably make me want it less - I’m not saying your doing this, but if he IS feeling under pressure in some other part of his life, sending him to the GP for viagra might not go down well at all. It could look like it’s all about your needs, not his.

Crying yourself to sleep sounds a little OTT unless there’s something else going on here. Do you have low self esteem since you had your DC? You seem very fixated on whether him finding you attractive is the cause.

popcornlover · 21/09/2020 08:06

It’s an affair. He’s getting it elsewhere. The weight indicates he is not happy at home. He has turned elsewhere. Check his phone if you can. Something drastic is going on. For a man who is unhappy the first place they will turn is to another woman. They really are that simple.

Marmitecrackers · 21/09/2020 08:12

Is it just me or does being groped in the kitchen because I'm wearing shorts, or having DH pressed up against me while I'm trying to sleep, sound awful to anyone else?

No i find it really sexy. I love it when I've put something on that means my husband can't keep his hands off to me. A bottom pinch after 15 years together is lovely and playful.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 21/09/2020 08:16

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit

Is it just me or does being groped in the kitchen because I'm wearing shorts, or having DH pressed up against me while I'm trying to sleep, sound awful to anyone else? Our sex life is actually on the upswing at the moment, but the above has never really appealed ; too clingy, too hot , too much breathing/snoring in my ear... Sex yes, then leave me be to get some rest. How long have you been together? What else is going on in his life? I can't imagine crying myself to sleep if we hadn't had sex for a few weeks

No, it's not just you. I find that annoying AF, being groped, and bottom pinching? I'd dump for that.

starfishmummy · 21/09/2020 08:19

Affair, STI or both

LadyH846 · 21/09/2020 08:19

@popcornlover

It’s an affair. He’s getting it elsewhere. The weight indicates he is not happy at home. He has turned elsewhere. Check his phone if you can. Something drastic is going on. For a man who is unhappy the first place they will turn is to another woman. They really are that simple.

This, or he's watching lots of porn

SandyY2K · 21/09/2020 08:25

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit

I don't like being groped either. Nor am I keen on being pressed against, but the OP seems fine with it.

Weight gain can affect confidence in bed, so I can understand that.

I don't think going on about the situation is helpful either...as it's pressurising.

Whenever it's a man who isn't interested...the partner is told to get him to the doctors..get this or that checked..have a conversation and say it's not fair on you...etc

Howabout, just leaving him alone for a while and not placing undue pressure on him.

Support him with the weight loss as best as possible and maintain affection in your relationship.

WiggleSquiggle · 21/09/2020 08:32

Is it just me or does being groped in the kitchen because I'm wearing shorts, or having DH pressed up against me while I'm trying to sleep, sound awful to anyone else?

Eh, I quite like it too, it just a bit of flirting around the house and a lead up in the bedroom. I’m sure if she couldn’t be arsed, or didn’t want him to she’d swat him away or tell him not to do it, and he’d back off like mine does.

CooperLooper · 21/09/2020 08:36

I'd hope you can give him the space to work through whatever issues he has at the moment and be supportive. Pestering him and crying is not going to help.

Gosh imagine if the roles were reversed. A woman had put weight on and didn't want to have sex, and her partner was going on about 'his needs' not being met and crying at night.

Mumsnet can be so cynical sometimes when it comes to men (it's an affair! He's gay! He's got an STI! LTB!) but so quick to flame the man when it's the same scenario from a woman's POV.

Bring it up with him again when you're both not in bed or expecting sex. When you're calm and relaxed and it won't end in an argument. And if he's still insisting it's because of his weight, then be as supportive as possible and help him lose weight. Cook healthy meals and exercise together maybe?

Pobblebonk · 21/09/2020 08:44

I find it really difficult that he went so suddenly from being very active sexually to apparently having no libido at all. If it was down to his weight, it would have been a more gradual process and it wouldn't have caused him to avoid touching you. In your shoes, I would certainly be wondering about an STI.

Pobblebonk · 21/09/2020 08:44

Sorry, that post should have begun "I find it really difficult to believe ..."

FlowerOfTheValley · 21/09/2020 08:47

I thought STI as well especially as he’s sleeping on his tummy/with his back to you.

Did you go from having sex a lot to not at all or was it more gradual?

Also worth checking that he hasn’t found a lump or something and is scared and he is worrying you might, sensibly insist, he goes to the doctor if you knew.

tenlittlecygnets · 21/09/2020 08:48

I'd be thinking STI as well. Is he trying to hide his willy? The sudden loss of libido can't be down to weight - sounds fishy to me.

VinylDetective · 21/09/2020 08:54

@popcornlover

It’s an affair. He’s getting it elsewhere. The weight indicates he is not happy at home. He has turned elsewhere. Check his phone if you can. Something drastic is going on. For a man who is unhappy the first place they will turn is to another woman. They really are that simple.

Oh for goodness sake! It’s perfectly normal for people to lose their sex drive for a bit every now and then and most relationships have dry patches. The more pressure that’s put on the less enthusiastic partner, the less they want it. I’ve been there.

MN is so eager to leap on the infidelity band wagon. The first place an unhappy man turns isn’t another woman. My bloke had severe depression at one point and no libido at all, the last thing he was interested in was sex, let alone another woman.

borntohula · 21/09/2020 08:56

@popcornlover

It’s an affair. He’s getting it elsewhere. The weight indicates he is not happy at home. He has turned elsewhere. Check his phone if you can. Something drastic is going on. For a man who is unhappy the first place they will turn is to another woman. They really are that simple.

😂😂

Thinkingg · 21/09/2020 08:56

Lockdown and an 11 month old sounds like a lot of pressure. Are you both getting enough space from each other? I think sexual drive can diminish if you start to lose your sense of who you are, this could also be linked to the weight gain.

Rosebel · 21/09/2020 08:56

Lack of sex doesn't mean an affair. As I said two years without sex and in the end it was me who cheated not him.

SimplySteveRedux · 21/09/2020 09:05

Honestly I would advise he try Viagra if it's his sex drive.

You need to be "in the mood" for Viagra to work. It fixes ED and prolongs an election somewhat. It doesn't provide a surge of libido.

borntohula · 21/09/2020 09:09

'this, or he's watching lots of porn."

What, all of a sudden? He went from wanting sex regularly to going off it altogether for this reason?

Amber0685 · 21/09/2020 09:11

He hasn't started any medication eg antidepressants?

theemmadilemma · 21/09/2020 09:35

Yeah when this happened for me, it was because he was already fucking someone else.

I hope that's not the case for you. But the excuse was the same.

Rinoachicken · 21/09/2020 09:40

I would be thinking depression tbh in the current climate. Is he worried about money, losing his job etc? It could also explain the weight gain if he’s comfort eating.

He needs your support to visit GP and maybe try some antidepressants and to lose the weight if it’s upsetting him. Don’t pressure him for sex, (you wouldn't like it would you? So don’t do it to him) start with just cuddles etc with no expectation of it being anything more, that will help with closeness for now.

And yes to PPs who said that if the roles were reversed and it was the man complaining that his ‘needs’ weren’t being met after only one month, he would be shot down in a ball of flames.

MaidofKent78 · 21/09/2020 09:40

@CooperLooper

I'd hope you can give him the space to work through whatever issues he has at the moment and be supportive. Pestering him and crying is not going to help.

Gosh imagine if the roles were reversed. A woman had put weight on and didn't want to have sex, and her partner was going on about 'his needs' not being met and crying at night.

Mumsnet can be so cynical sometimes when it comes to men (it's an affair! He's gay! He's got an STI! LTB!) but so quick to flame the man when it's the same scenario from a woman's POV.

Bring it up with him again when you're both not in bed or expecting sex. When you're calm and relaxed and it won't end in an argument. And if he's still insisting it's because of his weight, then be as supportive as possible and help him lose weight. Cook healthy meals and exercise together maybe?

This completely. I've been reading this thinking if the situation had been reversed the replies would be so, so different.

It's only a month which is not a lot in the context of a long term relationship. There have been periods when my husband, or me, have lost our libidos for various reasons (young child, stressed at work, cancer treatment, depression). Did the other lay in bed crying because their needs weren't being met? No. We acknowledged what was upsetting the other party and causing them to lose their drive and gave them the support they needed without pressure or expectations until their drive and desire returned.

LeopardsCANTChangeTheirSpots · 21/09/2020 09:47

@popcornlover

It’s an affair. He’s getting it elsewhere. The weight indicates he is not happy at home. He has turned elsewhere. Check his phone if you can. Something drastic is going on. For a man who is unhappy the first place they will turn is to another woman. They really are that simple.

As a man who has been unhappy, I take that as a massive generalisation!

I've never considered myself 'depressed', I prefer melancholia, sounds more romantic! - but could that be a factor?

Over lockdown, being fairly inactive compared to usual, I put on a small amount of weight - barely noticeable to me, but my wife mentioned it and I stopped wanting to be seen naked.

Started getting dressed in the bathroom and taking clothes in with me for after showers, no shared baths/showers, and definitely no sex!

No one seems to be bringing up that they have an 11 month old as well - mines almost 3, so being tired is always an issue for me, I'd rather just get some rest before it all starts again in the morning!

There's also making a big thing of it - I don't particularly want to have sex with someone that's been having a go at me. And that feeling can last for days sometimes.

We also have different sleeping patterns, I'd prefer to be in bed early and get up early so I can do things before work, but wife prefers an evening and a lie in - I'm almost comatose by the time son's in bed!

If you've been locked down together as well I'd expect there's not much 'mystery' about each other now.

SirGawain · 21/09/2020 09:48

@popcornlover

It’s an affair. He’s getting it elsewhere. The weight indicates he is not happy at home. He has turned elsewhere. Check his phone if you can. Something drastic is going on. For a man who is unhappy the first place they will turn is to another woman. They really are that simple.

Rather heavy on sweeping asumption there. Given that he appear to be open to adressing the problem it seems unlikely to be an affair. there seems to be little in the OPs post to suggest that he seems unhappy with her.