My boyfriend won't have sex with me?

[seaglass5]

Just that really. Our sex life has always been great, we used to have sex multiple times a week, always enjoyed each other’s company etc. However it’s been over a month now since we made love. He just won’t do it. I noticed something was off when he started positioning himself funnily in bed, usually he’d sleep with his body pressed into mine or he’d hold me and then things would lead to sex but he started sleeping on his tummy or rolling the other way. Now I can literally walk around naked and nothing. Usually his hands are all over me. I’d be wearing shorts in the kitchen and he’d come up behind me. But now it’s like he’s not interested. We may as well be roommates.

I had had enough tonight and I bought it up, he said he’s just lost his sex drive. It is nothing I’ve done and he still finds me incredibly attractive etc but he just has no desire to make love. It makes me so sad because I am now constantly thinking I am not good enough, or maybe he doesn’t find me attractive anymore even though he said he absolutely does. He is overweight and he thinks it’s the contributing factor in his low labido. Can weight really affect your sex drive? Just feel so frustrated sexually. He’s not put on large amounts of weight or anything it’s been a steady increase just feels strange how all of a sudden it’s happened? It’s so hard to be with someone who you feel doesn’t desire you anymore.

Any advice?

@CooperLooper

Totally agree! Some of these accusations are awful and wouldn't be said if the roles were reversed! My libido is so much lower than my husbands but that doesn't mean I'm getting it elsewhere or have an STI for goodness sake.

I agree that perhaps his mental wellbeing has taken a dive, maybe look into this before throwing the whole relationship away over this. Lockdown and a young baby is a hard combination. Please try not to take this personally just yet!

Some of the jumping to conclusions in this thread is spectacular!

I totally understand the feeling unsexy and rejected - it's really really hard not to feel like it's about you. But ultimately his sex drive is not about you, it's about him and how he feels. Over a long relationship the chances are there'll be times when you're having more or less sex - and for all sorts of reasons.

Keep trying to talk to him, support him in his weight loss, and remember it's likely to be temporary. Guilt and pressure are not going to make him feel any sexier, as is often posted on here when the genders are reversed!

Also to answer your question - yes, the weight gain might have been slow, but you don't know that he's suddenly noticed he's out of breath more, or caught sight of himself at an unflattering angle/seen an unflattering photo and it's really knocked his confidence all of a sudden. It sounds like he's ashamed - don't make him feel worse.

Dh put on a lot of weight and gradually lost his libido. Had blood tests and his testosterone was borderline normal. I spent a lot of time at first upset but not just because the lack of sex but there was absolutely no affection either so its bound to be upsetting! It makes you feel really shit about yourself especially when they go from not being able to keep their hands off you to basically being a flatmate and there is nothing that I could do about it. Btw in our situation dh wasn't bothered by the weight gain and neither was I so it wasn't a confidence issue for him, his sex drive was just gone likely due to his weight gain. Things have slowly improved for us and we are a lot better at talking now if there's any issues

@FlowerOfTheValley

I thought STI as well especially as he’s sleeping on his tummy/with his back to you.

Did you go from having sex a lot to not at all or was it more gradual?

Also worth checking that he hasn’t found a lump or something and is scared and he is worrying you might, sensibly insist, he goes to the doctor if you knew.

? I always go to sleep on my front, and prefer laying on my left to my right - find it really difficult to get to sleep on my back - never had an STI.

In the nicest way possible it's been a month... you're being a little dramatic with this talk of your emotional bond being severed and you feeling disgusting. These are hard times for everyone and it sounds like he needs your support right now, not you crying and making him feel guilty for four weeks without sex.

It's only been a month, I'm not trying to minimise it but that's a very short amount of time in a long term relationship. Over the years DH and I have both had periods of feeling more or less like sex for a million reasons, it's just part and parcel of life together.

The important thing is that you communicate and support each other with how you feel so that you can work together. Life is very stressful just now and that can manifest in lots of different ways.

Of course it could porn, infidelity, herpes, being gay and/or erectile dysfunction, or it could be a completely normal ebb and flow...

It's not all about you. You do sound very self centred and lacking in awareness, you forgot to mention the fact you'd a small child for several posts. That along with the stress everyone is under at the moment, it's no wonder sex is not a priority for him.

All you need to say to him today is, is there anything I can do to help? That might be adapting what foods you have in the house to help his diet, getting some exercise together. It is not pushing him to the GP unless he feels he needs medical help.

God some of you are awful. I came on for advice, not to be made out to be this awful woman. He is going to the GP of his own free will because there are other issues too, not just the loss of labido or not because I'm making him. I highly doubt he's having an affair or has an STI because of how open he is/has been with me. Thanks for the kinder advice, I will take it as it comes and see where things are in a few weeks.

FYI he didn't know I was crying (so no extra pressure on him) ffs. I have a lot going on personally myself and it was all too much last night. You'd think I had been pressuring him every night, when in fact I haven't said anything for a month and I am beyond supportive of him and what he needs to do to feel more confident/better about himself.

@seaglass5

I'm sorry for some of the mental responses here. God - 'he's having an affair' said with such authority 🙄🙄

OP, you clearly usually have a loving & regular sex life with your partner. Of course when it's unusual for you to have such a significant change in your usual pattern, you're going to feel thrown & upset.

I think you're doing the right thing. You're talking to him, you're checking any physical issues and you're not pestering him.

I think continue to be affectionate & caring outside the bedroom while you hopefully figure out what's going on, which could be a few different issues. 💐

From the sounds of it, its not just the absence of sex thats the problem, but also the reduction of other forms of physical affection (cuddling etc). I think the people saying you are overreacting would have a point if it was just about sex (a month isn't that long) but I am sure they would be upset too if they went from what sounds like a very physically close, affectionate relationship to one which is very distant especially as it sounds quite abrupt. I would talk to him about missing the other forms of affection rather than just addressing the sex since, as others have pointed out, that might be for all sorts of reasons. I think men, more than women, are likely to see other physical affection as something that leads to sex so when the sex stops everything else stops too. It doesn't have to though and I don't think theres anything wrong with saying you would like to be cuddled more.

I also think, if you are not doing it already, coming up and giving him a hug etc in the kitchen could be a way to bring some of that back.

@popcornlover

Please stop trolling, this is a serious upsetting situation and your ridiculous sexist and frankly awful comment is out of order.
We are here to support others and not to try and destroy relationships due to our own tiny and prejudiced minds.

Leopards I mentioned the sleeping on his tummy etc as the OP mentioned he had started doing this when he previously hadn’t which made me think he was hiding something hence the STI/lump. It was the change in behaviour rather than the sleeping on his tummy itself.

This is also why I asked if the going off sex was sudden or gradual. Clearly if it was gradual it was unlikely to be what I had suggested.

OP I am pleased your DH is seeking help and I can understand you wondering what is wrong. I hope he can tell you how he feels/any issues and you are able to resolve it together.