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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Co-Parenting and Work Colleagues

53 replies

AngelDelightUK · 20/09/2020 18:20

Long time lurker but first time poster, just need to know if it’s me being unreasonable or not!

Just a bit of background information, I became a widow in my mid 30s. My late husband had never wanted children and as I was approaching my late 30s I decided to try sperm donation. I ended up, after a conversation while drunk, deciding to have a baby with my very good gay friend.

Our DD was born in April. We co-parent successfully, and he’s an amazing dad. He works very odd shifts that differ from week to week, and because of this we are limited in the days he can have her. He’s recently started working in a new place once a week, and the night before is a night that he always has her on. To start with we were meeting halfway between his house and his work, but he then cleared it with his bosses that I could pick DD up from this place as long as it was before about 9:30.

The first few weeks were fine, then when I turned up his female boss was always cuddling my DD and I could hear her mumbling to DD that her nasty mummy was here to take her away from them all before eventually unlocking the door.

This week, female boss came to the door with my DD, her Dad was in the same area but working on a computer, and very loudly said to DD something along the lines of “It’s nasty mummy, she always insists on taking you away from us. You want to stay here though with us don’t you. Tell mummy you are staying here” over and over again.

I started asking nicely to start with for her to unlock the door and give me DD but she refused, and in the end I flipped and told her to keep DD for the day then and I stormed off back to my car. Cue loads of phone calls and text messages from DDs dad saying I had to come back now for her as they had clients in shortly and it would be unprofessional to have such a small baby there.

I insisted he bring her out to me in the car park and he went absolutely mad saying his boss was having a joke, I had no sense of humour and I’d made myself and him look like idiots. Since then I’ve asked if we can change arrangements so that I don’t have to go there again, but he’s saying he wants to show his daughter off to his colleagues and they all love seeing her.

I’m at a loss. I feel I behaved fairly, and equally fairly asking him not to take DD there anymore. But he feels I’m in the wrong. I’m already dreading having to pick her up from there this week but I just don’t know what to do and if I overreacted.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 20/09/2020 18:24

If he wants to do the handover at work then HE should do the handover, and nip the 'horrible mummy' business right in the bud, how dare she.
How would he feel if your colleagues were giving him the stink-eye about simply collecting his daughter?!

awsomer · 20/09/2020 18:25

I started asking nicely to start with for her to unlock the door and give me DD but she refused
She refused? Even as a joke that’s really stupid thing to do. She’s an idiot.

in the end I flipped and told her to keep DD for the day then and I stormed off back to my car.
^YABU for this though.

You could both compromise by still meeting at his work but he brings your DD out to the car park to meet you.

Watermelontea · 20/09/2020 18:26

You flipping out was not very mature, neither was shouting whilst presumably your DD was there.
However you’re not overreacting in the fact that his boss shouldn’t be behaving like this, nobody should be referring to you as ‘nasty’ regardless of how funny they think they are, and absolutely NOBODY should be withholding your daughter from you.
I would continue to refuse to collect her from the office again unless this changes, she stops doing it, and she apologises to you.

sharpeidiem · 20/09/2020 18:28

YANBU in terms of her behaviour - she's either shite with humour, or actively doesn't like you (I'm betting on the second one).
However, YABU for flipping out and saying essentially "just keep her". Not very nice for your DD and gives her a case to not like you.

sharpeidiem · 20/09/2020 18:29

**the boss, not your DD.

Lifeisabeach09 · 20/09/2020 18:29

I'd have polite words with the boss about the things she says and how you find it and I'd have the father bring DD out to the car in future.

Feminist10101 · 20/09/2020 18:32

Wait. Your 5 month old spends half her time away from you? You know no court would make such an arrangement, don’t you?

TidyDancer · 20/09/2020 18:33

DD's dad needs to put a stop to the nasty mummy shit immediately. You've lost some high ground by stomping off. You should've stood your ground. I have no idea what was going through her head to think she had the right to refuse to open the door though.

awsomer · 20/09/2020 18:35

@Feminist10101 the OP has purposefully chosen this. Her and her DDs dad entered into a coparenting arrangement, by choice, together. It’s not like she was with a guy and they broke up and she’s doing this under duress.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 20/09/2020 18:37

She was making a really crap joke and 'refusing' to unlock the door so they could 'keep' your DD. If you went batshit the first time she did that then, yes, YABU, and everyone your DD's Dad's work now thinks you are a nutjob.

lemorella · 20/09/2020 18:39

I don't think you've lost any high ground by returning to your car. Daughter was with her Dad and you were refusing to be held to ransom and spoken to like shit by a stranger.

If DC's dad wants to continue the arrangement you must agree that he opens the door and hands her over and there is absolutely no more of this nasty mummy business from a women you don't know or care to know.

AGoatAteIt · 20/09/2020 18:42

You shouldn’t have stormed off but I get why you were pissed off. I had a dickhead MIL who did the horrible mummy/I’m not giving baby back to you bollocks too and it really got to me. Instinctive maybe.

Stand your ground and insist that the handover is somewhere else that isn’t his workplace. Remind him when he complains that there wouldn’t have been an issue if it hadn’t been for his boss being a dickhead. I guess he’s in a difficult position as she’s his boss but he should be more understanding- imagine a man in your life (boss or otherwise) saying to your baby “I’m not giving you back to your nasty horrible daddy, you’re staying here with me”. Bet your daughter’s dad would love that.

Feminist10101 · 20/09/2020 18:43

[quote awsomer]@Feminist10101 the OP has purposefully chosen this. Her and her DDs dad entered into a coparenting arrangement, by choice, together. It’s not like she was with a guy and they broke up and she’s doing this under duress.[/quote]
I ended up, after a conversation while drunk, deciding to have a baby with my very good gay friend.

Our DD was born in April. We co-parent successfully, and he’s an amazing dad.

Nothing to suggest this was the plan all along. I can’t imagine it’s a brilliant idea for the baby for all the reasons a former partner would not get 50/50 access to a baby.

KitchenConfidential · 20/09/2020 18:45

If any non-family member refused to unlock the door and give me back my baby, I wouldn’t be storming off saying “keep her”, I’d be phoning the police!

HollyGoLoudly1 · 20/09/2020 18:48

Not sure if I've missed this, but where does it say they do 50/50?

unimaginativeusernamehere · 20/09/2020 18:51

Where does it say he has the baby 50%? It actually says they're limited with the days he can have her.

Howyiz · 20/09/2020 18:58

Why can he not drop her off to you before he starts work?

HollyGoLoudly1 · 20/09/2020 18:59

I think whether YABU totally depends on the exact circumstances here.

She knows it annoys you, can see you are becoming distressed, pleading to have DD back and refuses for a length of time - YANBU.

She enjoys looking after your DD so her dad can start work and you can do the handover there, thinks she is making a (rubbish) joke, hasn't realised how annoyed you are - YABU.

Feminist10101 · 20/09/2020 19:00

Is t that the definition of “co-parenting”?

Pineapplesandflamingoes · 20/09/2020 19:00

I think the boss is behaving completely irrationally and I can understand your anger OP.
Why not say to DD’s dad how would he feel if someone kept saying he was nasty daddy and playing games like this? Say to him you need to draw a line under this now and move on.
Can you agree for him to bring the baby out to you in the car park instead each time? This seems perfectly reasonable to me and then you avoid this strange woman. If not you will have to change the pick up drop off arrangement.

FelicityPike · 20/09/2020 19:00

Tell dad that the next time his boss kidnaps your baby you’ll be phoning the police!
I know that sounds extreme, but that is essentially what his boss did.

Violetroselily · 20/09/2020 19:02

Who on earth wants to see their colleague's child every week? What kind of employer is this Confused

Suggest to him that you change the contact days ad this causes more aggro than its worth

Nottherealslimshady · 20/09/2020 19:02

Really you should flipped and told her to open the fucking door and give you your baby, not stormed off. But his boss was bang out of order and I'd go back to set her straight properly and expect an apology and a change in attitude from her.
Do they have appropriate insurance for a baby at work? Doesn't seem appropriate to me.

Teacher12345 · 20/09/2020 19:03

@Feminist10101 Where does it say the baby is with Dad 50% of the time?

awsomer · 20/09/2020 19:04

@Feminist10101

Co-parenting is something plenty of single women and same sex couples do in order to have a child. The amount of involvement from the biological father differs drastically from situation to situation.

We don’t know the details of their arrangement and we don’t need to - it’s none of our business and it’s not relevant to the situation that the OP wants advice on.