Co-Parenting and Work Colleagues

[AngelDelightUK]

Long time lurker but first time poster, just need to know if it’s me being unreasonable or not!

Just a bit of background information, I became a widow in my mid 30s. My late husband had never wanted children and as I was approaching my late 30s I decided to try sperm donation. I ended up, after a conversation while drunk, deciding to have a baby with my very good gay friend.

Our DD was born in April. We co-parent successfully, and he’s an amazing dad. He works very odd shifts that differ from week to week, and because of this we are limited in the days he can have her. He’s recently started working in a new place once a week, and the night before is a night that he always has her on. To start with we were meeting halfway between his house and his work, but he then cleared it with his bosses that I could pick DD up from this place as long as it was before about 9:30.

The first few weeks were fine, then when I turned up his female boss was always cuddling my DD and I could hear her mumbling to DD that her nasty mummy was here to take her away from them all before eventually unlocking the door.

This week, female boss came to the door with my DD, her Dad was in the same area but working on a computer, and very loudly said to DD something along the lines of “It’s nasty mummy, she always insists on taking you away from us. You want to stay here though with us don’t you. Tell mummy you are staying here” over and over again.

I started asking nicely to start with for her to unlock the door and give me DD but she refused, and in the end I flipped and told her to keep DD for the day then and I stormed off back to my car. Cue loads of phone calls and text messages from DDs dad saying I had to come back now for her as they had clients in shortly and it would be unprofessional to have such a small baby there.

I insisted he bring her out to me in the car park and he went absolutely mad saying his boss was having a joke, I had no sense of humour and I’d made myself and him look like idiots. Since then I’ve asked if we can change arrangements so that I don’t have to go there again, but he’s saying he wants to show his daughter off to his colleagues and they all love seeing her.

I’m at a loss. I feel I behaved fairly, and equally fairly asking him not to take DD there anymore. But he feels I’m in the wrong. I’m already dreading having to pick her up from there this week but I just don’t know what to do and if I overreacted.

AIBU?

your DD's dad's boss is an unfunny BE-ATCH who is completely out of order. Joke or no joke you don't say those things to a tiny baby in front of tiny baby's actual mother. DD is a small human, not a dog or a handbag FFS! I'd be furious and I'd not want her holding my child.

His boss sounds very odd and I wouldn’t be happy having her around my child.

I think you need to come to a different arrangement with your child’s father- he can either drop her off before work or he’ll have to have her on a different night. This woman shouldn’t be involved in your child’s life.

@AmICrazyorWhat2

His boss sounds very odd and I wouldn’t be happy having her around my child.

I think you need to come to a different arrangement with your child’s father- he can either drop her off before work or he’ll have to have her on a different night. This woman shouldn’t be involved in your child’s life.

Totally this. The woman sounds unhinged.

@Feminist10101

Afaik co-parenting just indicates parents that work together on parenting children (as opposed to parallel parenting). It doesn't indicate a time split. I know parents who describe themselves as 'co-parenting' but with a roughly 70:30 split of time. They decide things together e.g. school things, holidays, when to get her first phone.

Why not say to DD’s dad how would he feel if someone kept saying he was nasty daddy and playing games like this? Say to him you need to draw a line under this now and move on.
Can you agree for him to bring the baby out to you in the car park instead each time?

This is a perfectly reasonable way forward.

Boss shouldn’t even be holding baby with covid and all!

You shouted, stormed off and told a stranger to keep your DD for a day. And all in front of your co-parent's colleagues and boss. I don't understand why he'd want you anywhere near his work ever again.
Her joke was unfunny and unoriginal. Your reaction was embarrassingly ott. Can you designate a friend or relative to do handovers instead of you?

do you have a legal agreement that states the times each of you have her, or is it just informal? I would get something drawn up in writing, and stop using his workplace as a handover point - it's not a crèche and could be used against him by his manager.

I agree that the OP’s reaction was OTT but that woman is weird and shouldn’t be anywhere near her child, IMO. I’ve never heard of someone making a “joke” like that, it’s creepy.
I still think the Dad needs to make other arrangements and ensure their child isn’t near her again.

Someone refused to give you your child and your response was to say ‘keep her then’ and storm off? If someone had refused to give me my child I would have been screaming and shouting and hammering on the doors and window. If that didn’t work I would have called the police.

Tell your daughters dad that you don’t have time to be playing silly games in the morning. If he can’t guarantee a hassle free handover at his office you will wait at the old half way pick up point instead.

Thanks everyone, I didn’t think I’d totally lost the plot with how I’d reacted.

I don’t want to say too much detail about the type of company but it’s media related. So they are all very arty bohemian thespian type characters. The boss must be in her late 50s, one of her children has recently left home so I don’t know if she’s struggling with empty nest syndrome or something, hence wanting to cuddle DD every week. I presumed that she would just stay in her buggy or car seat besides her Dads desk while she waited for me, I wasn’t expecting everyone to start going gooey over her. To give another example, the first time I collected DD from there they’d left the door unlocked so I could just go in, and I walked into the middle of a conversation where another colleague was asking him if we DTD to produce DD or did he “w... into a bucket”. That was my introduction to this workplace.

DD is with me more than her Dad, but sometimes he will stay at mine to spend more time with her. Then he can do bedtime with her in her own room etc. Her Dad lives about 30 minutes from me, and this place of work is also 30 minutes from me and around 20 from him I think. I even asked if I could start picking her up from his house, but he just goes on about he wants to show her off to his colleagues. I think where he believed for so long that he would never have a child, he’s very invested in her. As am I, hence not wanting to be the other side of a locked door to her

I’ve realised how badly I worded the OP, when I say we decided when we were drunk, I told him what I was planning on doing. He replied he wished he could do something like that and the conversation went from there. Then in the cold light of day we spoke more and more about it and decided to try. We’ve been best friends for years, and hey I’d marry him tomorrow if he said yes. I had no qualms about the arrangement until he started work at this place once a week.

You should never have walked away and left your DD there! Sorry, but that was not a good move. If someone was really holding your DD hostage or trying to take her away, etc you would not just walk off, the boss sounds like a total idiot and she should not be saying these things or not allowing instant access to your daughter. Don't feel bad about going to get her, explain how upsetting it is to hear yourself spoken about like that in front of your DD, hold your head up high and take her away. Write a letter or email if you can't do it directly, your DD's dad should not allow his boss to do this, but he may be in a difficult position complaining to her.

OP did not storm off & leave the child in the care of a stranger. She said the father was in the same area. I would see it as her leaving the child in the care of the father who did not intervene to facilitate an appropriate handover. It could be argued that by going back to her car she was avoiding a big scene at his work place. I would have been very angry about this too & would probably have lost my cool. I may have phoned the police, but in reality if the child is in the care of the father, who presumably has parental responsibility what would the police do? The person at fault here is the boss, and also the father for not stepping in, OP is least at fault as far as I can tell. This should not be allowed to happen again. I would agree that handovers should not be done at his workplace as his boss is inappropriate but because she is his boss he may not feel able to tell her to pack it in.

If he wants the hand over at his work, he can bring her out to the car. Just ring him when there and say "I'm in the carpark, bring her out".

"The first few weeks were fine, then when I turned up his female boss was always cuddling my DD and I could hear her mumbling to DD that her nasty mummy was here to take her away from them all before eventually unlocking the door.

This week, female boss came to the door with my DD, her Dad was in the same area but working on a computer, and very loudly said to DD something along the lines of “It’s nasty mummy, she always insists on taking you away from us. You want to stay here though with us don’t you. Tell mummy you are staying here” over and over again.

I started asking nicely to start with for her to unlock the door and give me DD but she refused, and in the end I flipped and told her to keep DD for the day then and I stormed off back to my car. Cue loads of phone calls and text messages from DDs dad saying I had to come back now for her as they had clients in shortly and it would be unprofessional to have such a small baby there.

@AngelDelightUK, my reading of this is that his boss has now done this to you several times, am I right? She started with the 'nasty mummy' shit and kept you waiting at the door, and has now escalated to actually REFUSING to open the door.

I do NOT think your reaction was OTT. She was enjoying having power over you, making you plead for your baby. It was no longer enough to make you wait, listening to her dripping 'nasty mummy' into your baby's ear. She needed a bigger hit this time, so refused to unlock the door. You
"started asking nicely to start with for her to unlock the door and give me DD but she refused, and in the end I flipped" - what other option did you have? Her father didn't have your back. He should have been doing the handover, yet he didn't. You say she was being loud with her poison too, did he not hear it? Was he ignoring it whilst his boss relished having power over both of you? I'd be asking him what the hell he was doing, involving her in handover AT ALL.

By storming back to your car, you called her bluff. You refused to let her exert power over you any more. I'm guessing she panicked at that point, realising she'd pushed to far. She got greedy, and you pushed back and rightly so. Leading to the flurry of calls/text from her father. I think they were both panicking at this point.

"he went absolutely mad saying his boss was having a joke, I had no sense of humour and I’d made myself and him look like idiots."
Jokes are funny. Withholding a child from a parent whilst insulting them - in what world is that funny? No, she was not making a joke. And if he looks like an idiot to his colleagues, it's for being suck a feckin' woose who won't stand up to his boss for dicking about with the mother of his child!

"Since then I’ve asked if we can change arrangements so that I don’t have to go there again, but he’s saying he wants to show his daughter off to his colleagues and they all love seeing her."
Nope. No. Not happening. Arrangements must be agreed, and you do not agree to coming into contact with his shitty shit of a boss again. Not unless there's a mahoosive grovelling apology from the pair of them.

You will not be coming to this place of work again. Ever. You do not agree that it was a joke, you do not agree to coming to this workplace again.

Showing his DD off to his colleagues isn’t a good reason to always do handovers at the office-OK, bring her in once or twice, but it doesn’t need to be a regular thing, she’s not an accessory!

Insist that the handovers are done at one of your homes and nip this in the bud.

I think the person most unreasonable here is your DD ‘s daughter. As a fantastic dad, he should be on the same page as you about how inappropriate it is for a colleague to speak like that in front of you and his daughter, and he should 100% not be taking his DD into work to “show her off”. She is a person with feelings, not a new accessory and you are her protector until she can speak for herself (and he should realise he is too).

This week, female boss came to the door with my DD, her Dad was in the same area but working on a computer, and very loudly said to DD something along the lines of “It’s nasty mummy, she always insists on taking you away from us. You want to stay here though with us don’t you. Tell mummy you are staying here” over and over again

When something as outrageous as this is said, it's always worth asking the question "why would a rational human being say such a thing?" On the surface of it, to say something so random to a child seems bonkers and importantly emotionally damaging for a child to have that said about their mother.

You need to find out more - I'd have the matter out with your friend (your DDs father) and find out what this woman's beef is. And insist that the woman shouldn't continues to interface with your child under those circumstances. Maybe he isn't aware to the extent you are.

DD’s Dad!

Oh, and you need to have a Big Conversation with him about his boss's behaviour towards you. Have you told him about the 'nasty mummy' shit? How does he feel about that? How would he feel if roles were reversed and your male boss treated him in this way, cooing 'nasty daddy' at his daughter, making him wait, eventually refusing to open the door?How would HE feel if HE had been on the receiving end of this shit? He is minimising your distress at your treatment, and he needs to stop that right now.

She’s not a puppy. Exdh took both the kids in once they were born to show them off then that was it.

He needs to bring her to the car because of his bosses behaviour otherwise plans change drastically.

However - he needs to have a fucking word with his boss about the nasty mummy shit. That’s not cool.

what a Dick he is and his Lady Boss is a twat.

no more hand over at Work OP, your child is not an accessory. 🌺

This is absolutely mental!

It is an unacceptable arrangement, this so called friend of your's has lost the plot. This is your child, who's being treated like pass the parcel round these random people including the goady fucker boss (if I've even understood the situation correctly, it's a bit confusing).

I'd get your child away from there and give the father the option to have contact time in a different way - he doesn't even sound like he's that committed if your child is at work with him. How can he give her attention if he's working!

Honestly, you can tell him to go to court for access if he persists in allowing her around this lunatic woman. There is no way I would allow my dd near someone who banged on about nasty mummy. This needs to be made very clear to her and to your dd’s father. It’s incredibly inappropriate. It’s also very inappropriate for him to be bringing her to an environment with so many people, her immune system can’t be too resilient given her age. Altogether batshit, this situation of this stranger bringing her to the door and refusing to open up to you.