If you were abused as a child, did you have children?

[Sarahpaula]

My mother was very emotionally abusive. I have matured enough to see the factors that led up to this. She was emotionally abused by her own dad, she was raped as an adult, she lost a baby to stillbirth, she divorced by Dad, and he would not pay maintenance. She simply was not very mentally well. I accept all that. However, she also screamed at, ranted and raved at, and insulted me and my brother for 18 years. She caused us both a lot of misery and suffering.

Both me and my brother have decided not to have any children. I feel that abuse is a learned behavior. I feel that if I had a daughter, I would emotionally abuse her, because it is a learned imprint, and I am afraid that I would not be able to control my behavior, and that I would be jealous of her, ie, "why should she have a great childhood, when I didn't". I am really worried that I would not be able to control my behaviour. I was wondering what everyone else thinks? Did anyone think the same as me, were any of you abused as a child and were afraid about doing it to your child, or did you go on to have children and you were able not to repeat the cycle?

I am really interested to hear. Thanks.

I had a similar upbringing to you so I can sympathise
I did go on and have children. Personally it’s something I wanted to do my whole life and I looked forward to the day I could. I knew I would never be the sort of parent she was to me so it gave me that push to be a great mother. I’ve loved every minute of it and given my children the life I was denied. It made me realise just how wrong it was and what a bad parent she was. If I hadn’t have had my children I know I would have gone off the rails eventually, they kept me going and fighting.
I think it would be hard to treat your children in the way you were treated. I know some people go on to abuse too, but the majority of people don’t because they know it’s unacceptable.
I can understand your fears, but if you want children one day do not let her stop you. Children just need love and attention, if you know you can provide that then you are almost there.
It’s not wrong to decide you don’t want children at all, everyone has personal preference. Have you spoken to a therapist? Sometimes it helps to get it all out and make peace with the past so you can move forward. You sound like a kind and caring person, and that’s all a child needs in a parent

No, I've not had my own.
Far too broken from what I've been through, DH is also the same. We made sure we would never have them, and I don't care for children anyway if i'm honest.

I had similar worries - not that I would repeat the negative patterns per se, but that I just hadn't seen enough "good" parenting to do a good job.

As it turns out, "reparenting" yourself through having children can be amazingly therapeutic. I worry i may go too far the other way sometimes (overly attentive) and try to watch out for that, but I know I don't instinctively repeat my parents patterns. I parent completely differently, consciously.

On the other hand, having a baby and feeling that overpowering instinct to protect and nurture turned up a lot of "stuff" I thought I had come to terms with about my parents. My relationship with my mother in particular really deteriorated as I could just not see how she could have done some of the things she did once I had my own child.

Gosh @VeniceQueen2004 I could have written your post!

OP, I had a similar experience with my mother, but always wanted children. If I’m honest, I wanted boys, as I thought that would make it less likely I’d fall into her patterns. Sod’s law, my first two are girls

I actually had to go back to counselling when my oldest was a few months old. I had thought I’d come to terms with how my mother treated me, but all my understanding fled when I held my own daughter. I couldn’t even remotely get how she could have treated me as she did.

I believe the significant self-reflection, and subsequent self-awareness, I gained through in depth therapy (a long time before having children) has made me a much better parent. Don’t get me wrong, I still lose my temper and shout occasionally, but I am present, and emotionally available, and affectionate, and honest with my daughters. I think that has come through in two confident, caring, articulate, determined and kind children.

I get to give my kids the childhood I wished I’d had - of hugs, and laughter, and trips out, bedtime stories and play dates - and that has helped me come to terms with a lot of the horrific experiences I had at the hands of my mother.

I had a shit upbringing (abuse on both sides, though I often blamed my mum more as I felt she had more "control" over being abusive or not, if that makes sense). Throughout all of my childhood and most of my adolescence I was dead set on not having children - I thought I was doomed to repeat the mistakes of my lineage and to have children would be an act of cruelty.

It was probably six months or so after marriage that things majorly switched - my DH was abused, in severe poverty, dad left etc etc and he has turned out to be one of the most well-adjusted and stable people I know. Obviously, not an excuse to abuse your children, but it made me realise that the you don't have to be a victim or a villain.

DH and I can't start having kids yet as we'd like to get on the property ladder to avoid private renting for financial reasons, but we are both really looking forward to having children. Nobody is a perfect parent, and we have personal flaws that we need to work on ironing out prior to having children, but I haven't even gotten pregnant or met my children and yet I have the swelling of love and loyalty towards them. I truly believe effort and kindness are two of the most important emotional factors in a child's development in relation to parenting.

I'm not advocating for you to consider kids if you don't want them or have serious concerns about your parenting ability. However, I think counselling might help sort out what your genuine feelings are versus your trauma / feelings of being "stuck" repeating a family pattern. In my opinion, it's often the people who worry the most about actively being good parents, that end up being good ones. Shows you give a shit, I guess. Best of luck x

I was told that if you are abused you go on to abuse your own . I was told this at 15 and was devastated.

I am late 40's with three lovely children and I have never abused them and never will. It took special times from me. No raspberries on tummies but I knew that while my childhood was utterly shit in every way it wasn't a choice to not abuse my kids. It just isn't in me.

I always thought it must be very hard to love children, based on my upbringing. I have found that the reverse is true. I maybe go too far the other way, and “mollycoddle” my two, so we’ll just have to see how that comes out in their later therapy sessions! But my kids know they are loved. They take it for granted. And they are loving little things. I may make other mistakes, but, so far, I am not repeating my parents’.

I guess I do at least give a shit, that I do care about how I would treat them. Yes. I would love to be a loving parent.
I just feel like my mother could not control her behaviour. She says now, that once she started screaming and shouting at us, she couldn't control it. And I worry about if I will do the same.

I will have to sit down and really think: could I be a good parent. I can't even seem to really feel accurately if I actually want kids or not. The worry of being like my mother is my prevalent thought.

I have 2 children and having them has been instrumental to my recovery. The love I have for them has helped me to see how utterly fucked up my childhood was. The love they have for me has helped me feel like I matter. You don't have to repeat the cycle of abuse, you can use those experiences to make you a better parent.

My sisters and I were physically and emotionally abused by our stepmother. Social services were aware

Myself and all of my sisters have had children. To the best of my knowledge, the children have all been looked after properly (I’m not close to most of my siblings)

I have 4 children. 21, 19, 16 and almost 7. They all know they are loved unconditionally. They are all happy, healthy, strong minded people. I’m so proud of each of them

@Sarahpaula When I was younger I was incredibly angry at my mum because I thought she could control the way she behaved (she iced me out and took away her love whenever angry or dissatisfied) whereas I justified my dad's rage and violence because it seemed more out of control. However, upon getting a bit older I realised that my dad CHOSE to have that breaking point - he had every capacity to leave the situation, or sort it out before it bubbled over, or seek professional help for his rage issues. My mum had every opportunity and capacity to express when I had disappointed or upset her. This was further exacerbated by the fact that they only behaved this way to me -- they didn't do these things to each other.

Now, I'm not saying this as general consensus or that it's the case for every single person. But what I am saying is; you CAN decide the type of parent you want to be. Sometimes this might involve fucking up and having to apologise (which is really really important) but you're not destined to be that way if you don't choose to be. If it helps, think about if your mum sat around thinking what was best for her hypothetical children and / or asking for advice on online forums ... I would be surprised, honestly.

Sorry, I know I'm rambling a bit. I just want to offer you some comfort that being abusive is not set in stone and just like in any kind of relationship, you have a choice the way you behave. xxx

I think it made me think through everything I did

I do think i do overthink things, sometimes I also find i remember how things felt for me and try and think about how i can improve my own ds's self esteem

My oldest school friend was abused as a child (sexually, physically & emotionally). She is a wonderful mother. These cycles can be broken.

Whilst I didn't suffer as badly as others on this thread, I didn't have a brilliant childhood and like a PP said, having a child of my own has brought forward thoughts and feelings I thought I'd forgotten and had got over.

My parenting mantra is "what would my parents/step parents do" then do the opposite. My sisters mantra is "complain about our childhood and blame every problem I have on it but go ahead and do exactly the same"

I'm determined to bring up DD with love, consistent boundaries, encouragement, flexibility, positivity and lots of hugs and kisses. All the things my childhood was sorely lacking.

What scares me most is that those things come naturally to me and what angers me is that they didn't come naturally to my parents

I’ve only recently come to terms with the fact that my childhood was abusive (I’m near 50) and have gone NC with parents. I have 2 beautiful children and it did impact how I patented. I made a conscious decision that I would never smack because the fear of losing it like my parents did was something I couldn’t live with. I do shout sometimes but I am acutely self aware and will shout to make them listen and then calm my voice back down, I am very intentional about my words as I know only too well how the wrong ones can hurt for far longer than the pain of a beating. I’m a good parent, with a loving and close relationship with both my children and I’ve worked damn hard to make it that way.

I was physically and mentally abused by my step mother and father. He also sexually abused me. I have a very loving marriage and have two children. I was terrified of what kind of mother I would make. I needn’t have worried. My kids say I am loving and supportive. I’ve worked hard like @Madre1972 to ensure that I didn’t repeat that cycle. I think parents who are abusive and say that’s how they were brought up, so it’s all they have known, are absolutely looking for a cop out. No one has to perpetuate that kind of behaviour. I’m proud that I’ve been a loving parent. I’ve not had contact with my dad or step mum for about 14 years. It’s the best thing I could have done for my sanity.

I was emotionally abused by both parents my whole childhood, as they never wanted to be parents in the first place. My mother oopsed my father as she was 'on the shelf' at 25 and wanted to get married. Because this was the late 1960s and my mother was Catholic, my father 'had' to marry her.

I was also groomed by a work colleague of my father between the ages of 9 to 12. We were expats living in a gated community so it was easy for this to happen...and back in the late 70s/early 80s the term 'grooming' didn't really exist and my parents were too busy getting drunk with their fellow expats to notice what was going on right under their noses...

I went NC with my father when I was 21 - 30 years ago. I have very LC with my mother and live on the other side of the world...at this point I've not actually seen her in 11 years. I always knew I wouldn't have children of my own....I thought my brothers would but they haven't either. I've been pregnant twice and terminated both without a moment's hesitation or regret.

My mother now has the utter nerve to be vocally very disappointed that she doesn't have grandchildren...

I was abused and I've got two wonderful children. However, it's been exceptionally hard at times. I have CPTSD and a trigger is children crying. My children call me by a mother name, but not Mummy, because I simply couldn't cope with the idea of hearing it every day. I decided that before they were born, so I had some idea it'd be hard, but really, I had no idea quite how challenging it would be.

I would be in tears at parent assemblies just looking at the little kids and remembering how I looked just as happy as they did, but there was such fear behind closed doors.

Seeing a bruise on my child still makes me swallow hard and consciously move myself away from a flashback.

My mother definitely had a hard life, and there was always the expectation that I'd end up behaving the same, because part of the emotional abuse was reminding me I was just like her. So I fought hard not to be like her. And I realised that not only am I not (although that's taken 9 years of parenting to reach), but she actively chose to rule by fear. And that discovery alone has been very, very hard to deal with. She had a choice.

I'd not ever wish not to have my DC. Knowing that I've broken the cycle of abuse in my family is good. However, it's taken years of therapy and it's simply impossible for someone outside my life to see how hard I'm paddling under the water. I'm a creative person who does almost nothing creative with my kids, because all my energy is spent in dealing with my past, so they don't have to. Yet, the very fact they don't have as much of me as, for instance my friend's children have of my friend who had no childhood trauma, means my past still does impact their lives.

What would have been great is if we'd had a nanny. So the kids could have had someone there to do the fun things with when I was exhausted from flashbacks, or take them to play dates etc when I was exhausted from hard trauma therapy sessions, leaving me energy to cuddle and read with them and do the parts of parenting that involved less "chores" like cooking and tidying up.

So my past has completely altered the sort of parent I could be, it's made me terribly afraid I'd be just like my mother, I've felt very sad for my kids that they ended up with me as their mother, rather than an "undamaged" one, and if I'd known how emotionally taxing it would be (6-8 flashbacks a day during some periods) I'd not have had children. But I love them so very much and I'm so thankful I have them. I can only do my best and promise that if they ever end up in therapy because of me, that I'll come to it if requested and apologise for inadvertently doing something wrong. Because I never ever want them to suffer what my parents have done to me in their denial of what they did and rubbishing of my memories of what they did.

@Sarahpaula "I am afraid that I would not be able to control my behaviour, and that I would be jealous of her, ie, "why should she have a great childhood, when I didn't"

You've basically described perfectly what my mother's approach to parenting was. She was one of 9, one of the last to be born and hated having so many siblings vying for her parent's attention. If either myself or my brothers dared to be upset about what I've since been told by therapists were very natural things for children to be upset about (thinking constantly giving up pets, schools, friends etc) she would actually come out with the 'I didn't have a great childhood' line.

My father was emotionally and verbally abusive and yes violent on occasion. I was also sexually abused by more.than one person.Ilove what happened with my dad made me feel I cannot trust men so I never did marry. I have health issues so might not have kids anyway but I just never wanted them...ever since a child myself.

@SunshineCake

I was told that if you are abused you go on to abuse your own . I was told this at 15 and was devastated.

I am late 40's with three lovely children and I have never abused them and never will. It took special times from me. No raspberries on tummies but I knew that while my childhood was utterly shit in every way it wasn't a choice to not abuse my kids. It just isn't in me.

You have posted what I feared posting. I felt if I said that aloud then ripple would say but if you think that then you must be capable of that. I never had children of my own but I’m a full time step- mum to three. I have a visceral need to protect them and would not touch a hair on their heads and would die for them. This was because a victim of sexual abuse. My brother on the other hand was subject to physical abuse and older his children for he went nc with our dad because he remembers being their aga and simply cannot comprehend doing what our dad did to him.

When my mum divorced my dad at 8, she became the same as your mum. Working all hours then coming home shouting all evening, putting us down, hitting us. She once gave me a black eye with a shoe and hit me with an electrical wire.
That didn’t stop me from having children. I only have one though. I have never hit her, don’t shout ever!
Although I have put my past behind, I do question how a parent can harm her child to that extent and not feel remorse. She never apologised. Not once.
It is sad that you and brother have made this decision. Your experience could help me not repeat history. Am sure. It did me

@anotherhumanfemale

I was abused and I've got two wonderful children. However, it's been exceptionally hard at times. I have CPTSD and a trigger is children crying. My children call me by a mother name, but not Mummy, because I simply couldn't cope with the idea of hearing it every day. I decided that before they were born, so I had some idea it'd be hard, but really, I had no idea quite how challenging it would be.

I would be in tears at parent assemblies just looking at the little kids and remembering how I looked just as happy as they did, but there was such fear behind closed doors.

Seeing a bruise on my child still makes me swallow hard and consciously move myself away from a flashback.

My mother definitely had a hard life, and there was always the expectation that I'd end up behaving the same, because part of the emotional abuse was reminding me I was just like her. So I fought hard not to be like her. And I realised that not only am I not (although that's taken 9 years of parenting to reach), but she actively chose to rule by fear. And that discovery alone has been very, very hard to deal with. She had a choice.

I'd not ever wish not to have my DC. Knowing that I've broken the cycle of abuse in my family is good. However, it's taken years of therapy and it's simply impossible for someone outside my life to see how hard I'm paddling under the water. I'm a creative person who does almost nothing creative with my kids, because all my energy is spent in dealing with my past, so they don't have to. Yet, the very fact they don't have as much of me as, for instance my friend's children have of my friend who had no childhood trauma, means my past still does impact their lives.

What would have been great is if we'd had a nanny. So the kids could have had someone there to do the fun things with when I was exhausted from flashbacks, or take them to play dates etc when I was exhausted from hard trauma therapy sessions, leaving me energy to cuddle and read with them and do the parts of parenting that involved less "chores" like cooking and tidying up.

So my past has completely altered the sort of parent I could be, it's made me terribly afraid I'd be just like my mother, I've felt very sad for my kids that they ended up with me as their mother, rather than an "undamaged" one, and if I'd known how emotionally taxing it would be (6-8 flashbacks a day during some periods) I'd not have had children. But I love them so very much and I'm so thankful I have them. I can only do my best and promise that if they ever end up in therapy because of me, that I'll come to it if requested and apologise for inadvertently doing something wrong. Because I never ever want them to suffer what my parents have done to me in their denial of what they did and rubbishing of my memories of what they did.

I am in therapy for CPTSD and BPD and children crying does affect me. Makes me feel shaky, angry, nervous. Sudden loud noises of any kind but children crying is especially hard. Not sure if she to the CPTSD or just I hate loud noises that aren't within my control.

So many autocorrects there but I’m sure you get the message.

I was emotionally and physically abused as a child, though it came in cycles. Life ranged from O.K to absolutely hideous. My father was abandoned by his mother and never acknowledged by his own father, and he lived with his loving but frail grandparents, and my mother was screamed at and smacked about by her alcoholic father.

I have two beautiful children, who I couldn’t even dream of hurting with either my words or my fists, and I can see now that my parents absolutely did have a choice in their actions.
They could have sought help for their anger and pain, and chosen not to inflict pain upon me, but it was easier for them to do the wrong thing.
I’m breaking the cycle as I never want to see fear and sadness, that was present too often whilst I grew up, in their eyes.