If you were abused as a child, did you have children?

[Sarahpaula]

My mother was very emotionally abusive. I have matured enough to see the factors that led up to this. She was emotionally abused by her own dad, she was raped as an adult, she lost a baby to stillbirth, she divorced by Dad, and he would not pay maintenance. She simply was not very mentally well. I accept all that. However, she also screamed at, ranted and raved at, and insulted me and my brother for 18 years. She caused us both a lot of misery and suffering.

Both me and my brother have decided not to have any children. I feel that abuse is a learned behavior. I feel that if I had a daughter, I would emotionally abuse her, because it is a learned imprint, and I am afraid that I would not be able to control my behavior, and that I would be jealous of her, ie, "why should she have a great childhood, when I didn't". I am really worried that I would not be able to control my behaviour. I was wondering what everyone else thinks? Did anyone think the same as me, were any of you abused as a child and were afraid about doing it to your child, or did you go on to have children and you were able not to repeat the cycle?

I am really interested to hear. Thanks.

I echo exactly what @FatCatThinCat said. My daughter is my absolute world. To be honest it's helped me think when I start getting annoyed "you love this little girl you tried so hard for, don't ever let her be scared of you" and it works every single time. She's going through the terrible twos right now and I can say hand on my heart I've never once shouted at her, made her feel like a burden, or dismissed anything she has said, or shown me.

I grew up in a very unhappy, emotionally abusive household.

Both me and my sister are parents, and have made huge efforts to parent differently to our parents. I follow a gentle parenting, child centred approach, which is completely different to my upbringing. I'm not perfect, and lose my cool sometimes. But I am very happy to be a parent.

I don't know. I am going to be really honest here.

I have had moments where I have been around children as an adult, and I have had the thought that 'I could be emotionally cruel to them". It is a feeling of having been powerless and a victim for so long, and that now I am an adult and I have the power. I have had the thought , but never acted on it. But it has worried me so much that I make sure that I am barely ever around children, and will not have my own.

Having said that, I had a boyfriend with a child for some months, and I was always kind to his child.

But I still think it is best that I don't have any of my own

@Sarahpaula I think that's a pretty common trauma symptom. And I think for a lot of people it's why their parents were abusive in the first place -- an element of "I'm angry and hurt and someone hurt me as a child, I want this feeling of control to hurt them." I guess I see it as an intrusive thought rather than an actual feeling - e.g. why you can stand on a train platform or on a cliff and have a second of wanting to throw yourself off. If you don't think you can handle kids, or don't want kids though, there's no pressure to have them. x

** sorry by "hurt them" I don't mean hurt their parents, I mean hurt small children or other people it would be easy to victimise.

Physically and emotionally abused by my mum it was a very unhappy childhood, I have two birth children and now I foster too. My childhood made me want to do the complete opposite to what I had experienced.

@sharpeidiem yes and I hope this thread that might help people in some way.

I would love people to see that: their parents hurting them, was never anything to do with them. Their parents were in pain, and they were not able to control themselves.

It doesn't totally excuse parent's behaviour, but I would love some one to see that it was not about them, after this thread.

I don’t believe that it’s inbuilt because of upbringing.
I wanted to have kids. I just knew I would under no circumstances be anything like my parents.
And I’m not.
It’s not so much an effort.
I feel overwhelming protective, calm & loving towards my children.
I haven’t got it in me to be abusive or to hurt them.
Empathy and a strong connection, a sense of not ever wanting a child to feel how I felt growing up.

I had no desire to have children when younger because of a fear of not being a good parent.

I had my daughter as an older parent. I still didn't feel ready. I read a lot of parenting books and asked others a lot of questions.

I was very anxious as a mother and got a few things wrong because I didn't realise they were wrong. I realised how abusive my background really was once I'd gained perspective as a parent myself. I was told I would pass the anxiety onto my child.

I'm good at spotting abusive and neglectful homes generally but there are still some signs that I don't pick up on.

I think I've had the balance wrong a few times. I've been overprotective and given my daughter too much choice, too many treats and too much power where I should have put my foot down and been in charge.

Everyone makes comments about what a great parent I am but I don't really feel it. It doesn't come naturally and I think I'm more stressed because of my childhood. Being a parent has helped me move on from my past.

I suffered physical, emotional and sexual abuse throughout my childhood. I have two children and I'll be very honest it has had an effect on them because of my behaviour.

Whilst I'd die for them and never harm them I have always found it extremely difficult to have any sort of physical contact with them such as hugs because it brings back terrible memories and feels wrong.

My oldest is now an adult and I've explained why I am the way I am and they understand and it's brought us closer together. My youngest is a teenager and I'll explain to her when I think she's capable of fully understanding.

It's had an effect on all my relationships with people not just my children and I look back now and wish I had gone for help years ago but the help wasn't around back then and these things weren't discussed as they are now.

In my darkest times I regret having children because of the potential impact my behaviour may have on them but I'm very lucky that other family members more than make up for the areas I lack in. I've cried so many times over it and every time something has happened in school or with their friends I fear that it's my fault and I shouldn't have had them because I can't give them the emotional support they need.

OP the one piece of advice I'd give is go and get help and deal with your issues if you are feeling this way. I only wish I had had someone to tell me this and my life would have been completely different. This is the first time I've ever admitted this to anyone but myself and it's been difficult to write because now I'm beating myself up yet again for not doing something about it, but if it could help just one person do things differently to me then it's worth saying.

I was sexually abused as a child which has led to me being diagnosed with BPD as an adult. My dad was an alcoholic and my mum worked all hours so I never saw her.
When my dad wanted to drink, he would send me to his friends house who did what he did for 3 years.
My mum finally found out what was going on and reported it.
Police and CPS did nothing.
It's made me very protective and untrusting of anyone around my son.
It has made me overprotective but I try to make his childhood as happy as possible.
I was also sexually assaulted when my son was 18 months old, went to court twice, gave evidence twice, jury found him not guilty.
I have absolutely zero faith in the justice system.
Ive suffered mentally, but I try my absolute best to make my son happy and keep him safe.

No.

My husband was abused. He has decided never to become a parent for fear of repeating that emotional abuse. I totally respect that decision. I'm very ugly and didn't meet him until 40, so the chances of a child were slimmer anyway and no-one who did want a child would have wanted me anyway. The pressure to try have children though was immense. I really respect my husband for sticking to him principles and MILs particular brand of abuse would be hard to spot in oneself, I think. She is still convinced she is the most perfect mother ever. I started to read this thread though and then had to stop. I guess we will just have to carry on being two broken worthless people for not having therapeutically had children. Except he isn't worthless. I probably am, I know he isn't.

I'm not sure anyone is saying people who don't have children are worthless though, @julybaby32? I think parenting can be a good form of therapy as it gives you some control back over a parent / child dynamic, but that's definitely not a sole reason to have one. People can and are complete without children, any elements of "therapy" are just a bonus for people who had abusive backgrounds and still want children. I'm very happy your husband is coping, and nobody thinks he or you are worthless by any means.

I was sexually abused by my grandfather. I am cautious and see paedophiles everywhere and trust very few people with my children. The biggest problem I had was learning very early on that the world is a scary place, I can hopefully prevent my kids from learning that until an appropriate age. The hardest thing is my anxiety but overall I think we muddle along well.... I try to liken my parenting to the Terry Pratchett first thoughts/second thoughts/third thoughts thing- watching myself watching the kids and making sure I'm getting it mostly right at least 80% of the time 😂

It doesn't totally excuse parent's behaviour, but I would love some one to see that it was not about them, after this thread

I agree with this. I generally am ok, but I struggle sometimes. I stumbled across the stately homes thread and I just vented a bit about what I've been through. The support on that was great, and it got me thinking about my past and the abuse, and I approach things differently now.

Maybe children aren't for you, and that's perfectly OK

I was emotionally and physically abused by my dad as well as emotionally neglected by him. My mother never stood up for me. I have 3 children. I have never abused them in any way. I have never even tapped their hand. I used sending them to their room, sitting them in time out, confiscating items/treats to discipline, i very rarely have to do those things though as they respect me enough to rarely push me to that point. I made it a vow to myself that if I ever had kids and I hoped I would, that I would give them the life I never had whilst still teaching them to be good humans beings and in no way spoilt brats. I feel I am achieving this. I also have bpd, depression and anxiety and I still haven't abused my kids. I have broken the cycle of abuse and I am proud of myself.

In answer to your original questions: yes, yes, and yes.
I wrote a long post and decided against posting it, because this more thoughtful era has all come a little late for me, but in a nutshell yes you can choose to be entirely different.
It all left me damaged as a person, more than as a mother, (probably because I worked on being a good enough mother) and has left me worried about my children and grandchildren's reactions if/when they go digging and realize more about their grandparents. (things were in the papers)

I didn't, but I do think you should seek counseling over this regardless if you want children or not, because you are carrying what has happened to you and been done to you in ways that continue to make you feel bad about yourself, and if you can do something about it please do and don't suffer unnecessarily. It can be a long life, and it can hold a lot of pain.[Flowers]

I wasn't directly abused, but my mother was an unstable manipulative & intermittently neglectful alcoholic with a thing for abusive men, so I've always been very conscious of not wanting to follow her path. Weirdly I think my background has been an 'advantage' in some ways, in that I've always had to think quite consciously about how I parent, because I can't just fall back on imitating how I was parented. Years of counselling and parenting alongside a very supportive DH help too

*@ultrababy when people say stupid cruel things like I have said it can cause so much damage. It was a social worker who said it to me .

@Sarahpaula

I don't know. I am going to be really honest here.

I have had moments where I have been around children as an adult, and I have had the thought that 'I could be emotionally cruel to them". It is a feeling of having been powerless and a victim for so long, and that now I am an adult and I have the power. I have had the thought , but never acted on it. But it has worried me so much that I make sure that I am barely ever around children, and will not have my own.

Having said that, I had a boyfriend with a child for some months, and I was always kind to his child.

But I still think it is best that I don't have any of my own

TBH I told dh I thought I had it in me to kill someone but that would be if anyone was hurting my dh or dc. In real life I know I couldn't physically hurt anyone and it scared me the strength of feeling I momentarily had. It is just because I love my dh and dc so strongly. No idea how when I never had it as a child from my parents.

@Sarahpaula

I don't know. I am going to be really honest here.

I have had moments where I have been around children as an adult, and I have had the thought that 'I could be emotionally cruel to them". It is a feeling of having been powerless and a victim for so long, and that now I am an adult and I have the power. I have had the thought , but never acted on it. But it has worried me so much that I make sure that I am barely ever around children, and will not have my own.

Having said that, I had a boyfriend with a child for some months, and I was always kind to his child.

But I still think it is best that I don't have any of my own

Although I decided very early on in my childhood that I wasn't going to be a mother, this is also a concern of mine. That if I did want children and have them I would be abusive... My emotional regulation has been affected by the abuse and also the fact I developed BPD in my teens. I have had a lot of therapy but I do worry I wouldn't cope with children? I have lashed out at people before and I hate myself for it because it is like am turning into my dad? My therapist assures me that I wont?

My DD is 15. By the time I was her age I was dealing with a drunk, violent alcoholic mother and I’d been hit with all sorts, knocked out, had my ribs broken. If I tried to walk away I’d be dragged back by my hair. She would also grab my arm in a fit and dig her nails in until my arms bled.

I was constantly told she’d leave me and take my brother. I was mocked constantly about everything.

I couldn’t even make a phone call, she’d grab the receiver and slam it down and go off in another violent rage fit.

Because my dad (divorced) treated me better than she did she’d imply there was some sexual interest. She lied to our wider family to make out like I was some kind of demon child.

I cooked dinner for me and my brother from age 10. Had to do all my own washing and ironing. She gave me no pocket money so I couldn’t go out.

She’d play music loud until 1/2am a few times a week and would refuse to turn it down even when I said I couldn’t sleep and had school the next day.

She never showed me any affection and never said she loved me.

She died when I was in my 20s.

I never thought about it really until my DD became a teenager but it’s really hit home the last couple of years. I can’t imagine how anyone could do that. All I feel is overwhelming sadness that nobody saw how shit my life was or helped. If social services knew I could have had a better life.

So I spent my DDs life making sure I’m the exact opposite of what my mother was. I had a therapist who told me that breaking the cycle was partly to do with emotional intelligence but im not sure I believe that, I actually don’t think my brain developed in the way that it should due to abuse because even in my mid 30s I don’t think I experience normal emotions.

But I’ve never hit my DD. Or put her down. Or been drunk around her. She is happy and a wonderful kid and I tell her I love her and hug her several times a day. So no, even with the worst kind of abuse, you don’t have to continue the cycle.

Like PPs she claims to have had an abusive childhood but her siblings deny that and didn’t abuse my cousins, so who knows.

Quite cathartic to write that down, I’ve never got it all out before.

@julybaby32

My husband was abused. He has decided never to become a parent for fear of repeating that emotional abuse. I totally respect that decision. I'm very ugly and didn't meet him until 40, so the chances of a child were slimmer anyway and no-one who did want a child would have wanted me anyway. The pressure to try have children though was immense. I really respect my husband for sticking to him principles and MILs particular brand of abuse would be hard to spot in oneself, I think. She is still convinced she is the most perfect mother ever. I started to read this thread though and then had to stop. I guess we will just have to carry on being two broken worthless people for not having therapeutically had children. Except he isn't worthless. I probably am, I know he isn't.

This is unfair. I did not have children to use them as therapy. Goodness sake.

Please get yourself some therapy. You are hurting yourself and others.

*@MushyMushi my brain also didn't get to develop as it could but I most definitely have emotional intelligence. If your therapist said you have it then believe it.