If you were abused as a child, did you have children?

[Sarahpaula]

My mother was very emotionally abusive. I have matured enough to see the factors that led up to this. She was emotionally abused by her own dad, she was raped as an adult, she lost a baby to stillbirth, she divorced by Dad, and he would not pay maintenance. She simply was not very mentally well. I accept all that. However, she also screamed at, ranted and raved at, and insulted me and my brother for 18 years. She caused us both a lot of misery and suffering.

Both me and my brother have decided not to have any children. I feel that abuse is a learned behavior. I feel that if I had a daughter, I would emotionally abuse her, because it is a learned imprint, and I am afraid that I would not be able to control my behavior, and that I would be jealous of her, ie, "why should she have a great childhood, when I didn't". I am really worried that I would not be able to control my behaviour. I was wondering what everyone else thinks? Did anyone think the same as me, were any of you abused as a child and were afraid about doing it to your child, or did you go on to have children and you were able not to repeat the cycle?

I am really interested to hear. Thanks.

I didn't say you did, SunshineCake, but that we have been pressured to do so for that reason.

@julybaby32

I didn't say you did, SunshineCake, but that we have been pressured to do so for that reason.

I read your post purely as a comment on your own motivations regarding having children, not on anyone else's.

And you're not worthless. Please realise this.

My parents were physically abusive and neglectful. Yes i have children. No I don't abuse them. Abuse being learned isn't the only life direction you can take, they were in the wrong. At some point I am probably expected to forgive them for whatever they suffered. But I don't and I can't be bothered to. I experienced all that and improved my own responses and learned how to behave by my own effort. There's no reason why they couldn't have done the same.

My DH had a shit abusive upbringing. He was a great Dad when the kids were babies/toddlers but is now finding parenting incredibly tough. He is literally repeating history. It's making me incredibly sad and making me want to walk away as I keep having to step in to prevent our kids having shit memories. Nothing major but major to me - like won't let the kids play outside using their imagination because they're making mess for eg.

Bizarre thing is he KNOWS what he's doing is wrong and repeating his own childhood, but doesn't know how to change it. He has no blueprint for how to be a parent.

I'd have to say I'd avoid having a family if it were me.

I think it can go either way.

I came to terms with the fact I was emotionally abused by my mum when it turned 19/20. My brother has recently turned that age too, as he is 10 years younger than me and has also came to the same conclusion without us ever discussing it prior. We both say we need to go counselling together.

He never wants children, has always said this and despite being young I know he won't.

I have always wanted children and I think if I'd been able to fall pregnant easier I probably would have been a teenage mum.
I thought I could fix my problems by unconditionally loving my own child. As I've got older I've realised the faults in that and I now work hard to have a solid relationship, financial security and to create a comfortable life for any further children.
I still want them, I still plan for them. But for more genuine reasons of wanting to be a mother, not to fill a emotional hole.

I am nervous, I do worry I'll repeat my mums behaviours. But at the same time I'm consciously aware of what she did and not wanting to be like that.
I know I'll probably find it hard but I want to create the childhood I never had.

The timing of this thread couldn’t be any better - I had this conversation with my OH last night. He wants kids, I don’t.

My problem is, I don’t think I am capable of love, or many emotions for that matter. I adore my OH, but I don’t feel ‘love’

I’d be a cold, detached parent because of the emotional and physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother. Shouting, screaming, slapping, hitting, being kept off school to clean because we’d pissed her off and school was an escape. From age 14 all financial support bar the roof over my head was withdrawn - I worked days and nights at the weekend to fund school lunches, clothes, trips, bus fares... you know basic teenage costs. She’d joke to her pals she was teaching me how to be independent. Years of abusive alcoholic boyfriends, countless black eyes on my part and police statements.

I have had not one steadfast, mature role model in my life. I don’t think I would cope with children, but this could be the deal breaker for me and OH. I genuinely think I would birth a child, and feel nothing when it was placed in my arms.

I was abused as a child, to the point o self harmed from an early age. There’s no way I will abuse my child, I want to give her the childhood I didn’t have and will do everything to make that happen. I’m not my parents and never will be.

I was abused by both of the people who bred me, and I’m proudly childfree, it’s an honour that these trash genes will die with me, and I find the concept of forcing a person into existence in a dystopian hellscape immoral. all parents ever do is whine about their lifestyle choice and how haaard it is, believe them 😊 my life is bliss.

My mother abused me physically and emotionally. My Dad didn’t want to know (though is lovely in every other respect. He’s scared of my mum.) I have never abused my boys. I lose my temper in front of them, but hardly ever at them. They are deeply loved. I don’t abuse them.

@StarUtopia

My DH had a shit abusive upbringing. He was a great Dad when the kids were babies/toddlers but is now finding parenting incredibly tough. He is literally repeating history. It's making me incredibly sad and making me want to walk away as I keep having to step in to prevent our kids having shit memories. Nothing major but major to me - like won't let the kids play outside using their imagination because they're making mess for eg.

Bizarre thing is he KNOWS what he's doing is wrong and repeating his own childhood, but doesn't know how to change it. He has no blueprint for how to be a parent.

I'd have to say I'd avoid having a family if it were me.

I have no blueprint either. One has to make a choice. I parent as I would have wanted to have been parented. I used to be a nanny so read lots of baby books and magazines and of course did the day to day caring of the children. He can be better. He has to want to.