To tell DSS’s mother when he is in trouble in our house?

[BT22]

This is outing so I have name changed.

DSS went to another city yesterday to meet a girl that he had met online. They spent the day together but he spent his return train fare. The police were called to the station and contacted us to collect him. This other city is over 3 hour drive away!!!
We didn’t know he was out of our city and said he was with friends for lunch & getting a hair cut so we gave him extra money. When we called & texted he ignored the calls but answered texts saying he would be home shortly etc

His phone has been confiscated and he is being punished here for lying. DH is so angry that he put himself in so much danger. He’s never been to this city before. His phone was almost dead before he was taken by the police.

DH and his ex do not communicate at all. DSS is a teenager, 15, so has his own phone and all communications are through him. This has worked well for 2 years now.

I think that his mother needs to be told about this. DSS is not that sorry today he’s more annoyed that he spent his money so got caught. I don’t trust him to not do this again.

His mother is very strict so will go crazy at him. But she will also go crazy at DH for allowing it to happen. It could open up a huge issue for DH.

However If it was my son I would want to know.
DSS keeps crying asking not to tell his mother.

WWYD?

Down to your dh to go down that route surely, if he wants to? I would say his exw needs to know, but that’s a conversation to be had between both parents, and ultimately upto your DH as to whether he wants to have that conversation.

I think she should know. Tbh, and im not trying to be judgemental or anything, I think for this kind of reason separated parents should be as civil as possible where children are concerned, or the kids could use it to their advantage.

You have to tell her. Like you, I'd want to know and it will be worse if she finds out later from somewhere else.

Good point about him taking advantage of his parents not communicating.

As a rule what happens at the other parent's home should stay there imo. In this case dss could have been in danger. It could have been an adult man he was communicating with.. Under 16 his dm should know.
Over 16 remember neither parent will get much say..

How did the police end up getting involved?

Well she has to know as he could do it again on her watch

I can't see there would be any consequences for your Dh - kid is 15, they do stupid shit

I'm guess DSS will be mad and not come for a while 🤷‍♀️

For something this serious, yes she should know.

I think she should know. I know I'd certainly want to if he was my son.

But the 2 adults in his life need to grow up and start communicating for his sake, even if only by text.

They could possibly have many more years of this sort of behaviour (or worse) to come.

Kids shouldn't have to be responsible for communicating between the adults in their lives.

Ultimately, it is up to his dad, but if I were you, I would definitely be encouraging my DH to tell the boy's mum. He's 15, still has no idea of the danger he put himself him, and his mum absolutely needs to know.

I think with police involvement etc yes he needs to put his big boy pants on and tell her.

If he had just refused to do the dishes and was belligirent all weekend then no need to share.

I was coming here to say YWBU thinking you wanted to tattle he'd been naughty but my god!

Yes she needs to be told, this is so dangerous! He lied about where he was and got stranded in a completely different city, anything could have happened to him!

There needs to be severe consequences for this and a massively united front from Mum and Dad. This will not be the first time this has happened; this is just the first time he has been caught.

Why were the police called? Thank God they were. Imagine if he had tried to hitchhike or got into a stranger's car ffs.

@Palavah he went to buy a train ticket & didn’t have enough money so started to cry & sat down. The ticket guy called them as he thought he was a run away.

This seems to be too big a problem to hide. I think he needs to tell her. Could this be the springboard to try to get them to communicate again? They need to co-parent.

She definitely needs to know about this.

To be clear I meant that DH would tell her not me. I am fine with his mother but this needs to be between his parents.

DH & ex have had years of court and harassment from her. A judge ruled almost 3 years ago that she was not to contact him again. All contact was to be through me or DSS.

That is MASSIVE. Of course she should be told.
Would your husband honestly think it was OK if she didn’t tell him?
And it’s about keeping him safe - mum needs to know what lies he will tell.

Poor kid though, 2 years of his parents going through him?

What consequences is your husband afraid of? This boy is 15, not 5. So not the issue that she might withhold contact - the teen can vote with his feet these days anyway.

Something these threads always make me think... here is stepmother trying to get advice, do I think dad - the ACTUAL parent - is putting the same amount of thought into doing what’s right? Nah.

As an aside, at 15 does he not have a bank card/account for access to money in an emergency?

@Trews2019

As an aside, at 15 does he not have a bank card/account for access to money in an emergency?

Do you think the kind of kid who’d go off to another city and spend all his money for the day, would not have also just spent the emergency money? He had access to money - by calling his parents.

I'm shocked that they don't communicate. I imagine he's already telling his mum he's at yours while he goes out with his mates to places he shouldn't and vice versa. 15 year olds think they are adults but usually don't have the maturity to make good decisions and often put themselves in potentially dangerous situations.

If he's lying about where he is it could have very serious consequences and both parents need to work together to make sure he's safe. They need to put their disputes aside and parent their son.

Really? Return train tickets only cost a quid or two more than a single but you DSS decided to get singles when he is low on money?
And a judge decided a 12 year old was responsible for communication between the 2 parents?

He cried because he didn't have his train fare? Really? He probably does lack the maturity to go & do stuff alone. He also lacks the common sense to buy a return fare or keep his fare home separate. The kid needs 'parenting', more than punishing.

I think whether I told his mother or not would friend on a lot of different factors - mainly how she'd handle it with DS.

Parents who don't communicate te their children really need to have a good think about what's best for their children. Obviously there are situations where some parents are impossible to communicate with or were abusive etc but on the whole, parents that don't communicate are easily manipulated by children and don't help them make giid life decisions.

I think your DH has to tell his Ex before their son turns round and uses the argument "Well, Dad let me do it" ...

I think his mother needs to know. Because the child had contact with the police and given the nature of the circumstances - meeting someone online, parents not knowing where he is, if he was emotional - the police may decide to put in a referral to social care. Now I can’t imagine it would be anything more than a welfare call check up.
However, his mum may get a phone call... which could make it worse between your husband and his ex-partner.

Imagine if it was the other way round?

Of course she must be told, so when he's at her place she can take the necessary steps to control/ protect him from himself.

In her shoes, I'd be furious if that event was kept from me.