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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DSS’s mother when he is in trouble in our house?

57 replies

BT22 · 20/09/2020 15:38

This is outing so I have name changed.

DSS went to another city yesterday to meet a girl that he had met online. They spent the day together but he spent his return train fare. The police were called to the station and contacted us to collect him. This other city is over 3 hour drive away!!!
We didn’t know he was out of our city and said he was with friends for lunch & getting a hair cut so we gave him extra money. When we called & texted he ignored the calls but answered texts saying he would be home shortly etc

His phone has been confiscated and he is being punished here for lying. DH is so angry that he put himself in so much danger. He’s never been to this city before. His phone was almost dead before he was taken by the police.

DH and his ex do not communicate at all. DSS is a teenager, 15, so has his own phone and all communications are through him. This has worked well for 2 years now.

I think that his mother needs to be told about this. DSS is not that sorry today he’s more annoyed that he spent his money so got caught. I don’t trust him to not do this again.

His mother is very strict so will go crazy at him. But she will also go crazy at DH for allowing it to happen. It could open up a huge issue for DH.

However If it was my son I would want to know.
DSS keeps crying asking not to tell his mother.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

BT22 · 20/09/2020 16:35

@MJMG2015 he is not a mature 15 year old. As far as I know this was his first ‘date’ with a girl. We had given him plenty of money for the day that we thought he had planned. He does not have access to a credit card or bank card yet.

It is so dangerous to go to another city. And it’s one that none of us are familiar with.

There is a long history of domestic abuse, harassment and stalking. Not all co-parenting cases are the same unfortunately. The weekends that DSS is with his mother she will need to be aware that he could do this again.

OP posts:

Disorganisedfish · 20/09/2020 16:38

I have a tense relationship with my sons dad at times, but we both agree that we need to know the big stuff even if I do text him and then mutter knob head under my breath. At the end of the day, it’s not about the parents - it’s about the child, and in this situation they clearly need parental involvement to keep them safe.

Rocinante39 · 20/09/2020 16:45

You've got this all wrong. Your DSS needs support not punishment. He tried to spread his wings and he made a mess of it. Happily, he wasn't abducted but was found crying by a sensible ticket inspector who made sure he was reunited with his family.
Support your teenager rather than punish him. Speak to his mother so she knows the score and she can support him too.

lyralalala · 20/09/2020 16:51

One of you needs to speak to his mother because between you all you need to drum into him that meeting an online stranger miles from home without anyone knowing where you are is fucking dangerous.

The punishment needs to be carefully handed because whilst, yes, there should be a punishment it needs to be done in a way that doesn't shut down communication between him and the adults in his life. Your DH needs to lose the focus on his anger and focus on the bigger picture here.

2bazookas · 20/09/2020 16:52

He cried because he didn't have his train fare? Really?

He's been raised as the go-between   between warring parents, and has no doubt learned how to manipulate  the adult world to get exactly what he wants.  Including turning on the tears.

Now he's sobbing " Don't tell Mum" and Dad caves in for a quiet life.

Poor kid. The lesson from his parents is " Be like just them; do what the hell you want and let some other sucker deal with any trouble". He can see it works; they've got OP fully trained.

Poor OP; she's another victim of his parents me-first policy.

Scweltish · 20/09/2020 17:05

@canigohomenow

I was coming here to say YWBU thinking you wanted to tattle he'd been naughty but my god!

Yes she needs to be told, this is so dangerous! He lied about where he was and got stranded in a completely different city, anything could have happened to him!

There needs to be severe consequences for this and a massively united front from Mum and Dad. This will not be the first time this has happened; this is just the first time he has been caught.

Why were the police called? Thank God they were. Imagine if he had tried to hitchhike or got into a stranger's car ffs.

This. This is just to serious to not notify the other parent about. There’s a chance he’s done this in his mums care and she hasn’t found out. He’s putting himself in danger so everyone needs to know what he’s up to

lunar1 · 20/09/2020 17:08

A judge seriously decided that contact between warming parents needed to be via the child? That's disgraceful.

The mum absolutely needs to know about this.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 20/09/2020 17:11

The mere fact that he is now crying and begging that you don't tell his mom would make me tell his mom. He is too immature to be doing what he was doing. He obviously lied to her too about what he was doing and now doesn't want her to know. She should know. Teenagers are difficult at best. Teenagers who can be secretive and maneuver parents are the worst.

Cookies2523 · 20/09/2020 17:18

I honestly would not tell his Mum this time. Have a good talk with him & tell him no more chances. If it happens again then you & his Dad will have no other option but to tell her. Hopefully he will have had a big enough fright to not do anything like this again!

Nottherealslimshady · 20/09/2020 17:21

She definitely needs to know. What he did was so dangerous! Both parents need to be monitoring his phone and internet usage. Have you explained what could have happened to him? You cant keep something so serious from her.

Nottherealslimshady · 20/09/2020 17:22

Imagine if someone had seem him crying and offered him a lift home!

SunshineCake · 20/09/2020 17:30

I can't see how she can claim your DH let this happen. He trusted his child.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 20/09/2020 17:41

She 100% needs to know, however difficult the relationship with your DH is. I have a DSD and we pass on anything major - I think if it’s a small discipline issue then you don’t need to report everything to the other parent but things like this where potential danger is involved she needs to be told.

Haffdonga · 20/09/2020 17:43

DH & ex have had years of court and harassment from her. A judge ruled almost 3 years ago that she was not to contact him again. All contact was to be through me or DSS

I would have said yes 100% that your dh should tell her but because of this I would say that your dss should actually tell her himself.

There is a long history of domestic abuse, harassment and stalking.

And because of this I would consider not telling her at all but only if dss agreed to have a 'find my phone app' on his phone for the next couple of years so he can be tracked.

In the end what course of action would be the least risky for dss? Telling his mum and dealing with the possible repercussions or not telling her and letting dss think he has 'got away with it'?

RealityExistsInTheHumanMind · 20/09/2020 17:45

I would suggest that the deal is that he tells his mother. With the proviso that you will check with her that she knows and what she knows.

All you need to say to her is that he has something he needs to tell her (so he can't put it off).

He will put a slant on it so it does need checking up on but so long as he has covered the basics e.g that he said he was going one place, went somewhere else and possibly that he had to have help to get home, then it could be left there.

lyralalala · 20/09/2020 17:53

@BT22

Are you 100% sure the person he met was who he was expecting and that he spent his money?

The anger at his risk-taking hasn't lead to missing anything? It's unusual for a 15-year-old boy to cry publicly, even an immature one, has he definitely not had money stolen by someone he met online that wasn't what he was expecting?

Haffdonga · 20/09/2020 18:02

Good point @lyralalala

If the town is 3 hours away the train ticket must have cost quite a lot. Surely he would have bought a return. I'd be exploring with him a bit more about who this person was and where the money went.

mediumperiperi · 20/09/2020 18:08

And because of this I would consider not telling her at all but only if dss agreed to have a 'find my phone app' on his phone for the next couple of years so he can be tracked.

You can fake your location on those sorts of apps.

RelaisBlu · 20/09/2020 18:09

I agree with PPs that his version of events doesn't quite add up because surely he would have bought a return train ticket at the outset?

mediumperiperi · 20/09/2020 18:11

I think lyra has a good point. Did he cry out of embarrassment of being duped and a man, boy or nobody turning up or could he have been mugged?

If he has the messages from this girl then his parents might need to read them.

Snowman123 · 20/09/2020 19:37

Your absolutely right she needs to know.

However hearing it from you may well get her back up.

His dad should deliver the news.

Original poster

BT22 · 20/09/2020 20:01

@lyralalala we didn’t believe any of his story either. I checked his snap chat stories and saw him with the girl in the city on a major tourist attraction. I am not on snapchat I asked to see his last night. The policeman also confirmed he was with a young girl at the station when he went to the ticket office.
He said he had enough for a haircut his ticket down ( he didn’t know about return tickets) and his lunch but the date didn’t bring any money so he paid for her onto the Ferris wheel & her lunch! Which left him short. I think he put the water works on at the train station to try to get a free ticket out of sympathy.
He is someone that always lands on his feet so he must have been shocked with how the date ended!

DH & DSS decided that DSS will tell his mother what happened himself tonight. DH will call her tomorrow to check that the truth was told.

OP posts:

RelaisBlu · 20/09/2020 20:03

He's 15 and has never heard of return tickets?

anorangeaday · 20/09/2020 20:06

His mother does need to know, make sure your DH checks tomorrow

mediumperiperi · 20/09/2020 20:17

Did he get his hair cut at the destination?

I think that the right decision was made with regards to his mum.

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