Grandmother treating us differently?

[ReginaaPhalange]

Don't want to bore you with the history, but very long story short. Me and my older sibling are the eldest grandchildren. The parent on my grandmothers side is the eldest child. Me and my sibling are both adopted due to infertility. We both came along soon after birth.

I'm not sure if it's me BU, or her, but she's never bothered with us. We're lucky if we get a birthday card. The next set of grandchildren are born and are absolutely dotted on. I've witnessed it myself to how she treats them, when we were growing up and all playing together, if one of the other kids fell over, the blame would automatically be put on us.

Fast forward many years, my grandmother still doesn't bother. This year we never got birthday cards, but the other grandchildren post on Facebook etc about "birthday afternoon tea with gran". The only other granddaughter was gifted a Michael Kors bag one Christmas. We don't get a card.

We live near gran, we visit regularly and checked in during covid etc. She is able to drive etc, but NEVER visits us. We always invite her for Christmas dinner etc, but she turns us down to go to the other grandchildren's family - but she lies -. Last year, she said she wanted a quiet day as wasn't well, but hey ho, the pictures were on Facebook! We never pulled her up on it as what's the point - she never changes.

My granddad died when I was a baby so not around sadly.

I don't know if I'm expecting too much from my gran or what to do. I just feel she treats me and my sibling differently cause we're adopted, but it's not a nice feeling. I'm not jealous about the gifts etc that the other grandkids get, I'm jealous of the relationship they have with her. I've tried so much but she's never interested.

YANBU - it's not me
YABU - it's me!

Let me know if I should be doing something differently

YANBU - she is clearly treating you differently as you are adopted and therefore not her blood grandchildren.

What do your parents say about it?

Yanbu - this is rubbish

@HilaryBriss my parents feel the same way as me and think it's disgusting behaviour. They've called her out on it in the past and she rubbished their claims, yet done nothing to try have a relationship with us

Have you ever challenged you gm?

I was adopted. When I was about 12 my GM was counting up how many GC she had. I mentioned that she had counted one too few, and was told that I didn’t count as I was adopted 😡. I only told my parents years later, after GM had died as I knew they would be very upset. Since we’ve all grown up I’ve never been included in get togethers arranged between first cousins. Some people really believe that blood is thicker than water.

You’re better a person than me OP because I would have thrown in the towel with her long ago.

If I was your mum I’d be telling you not bother with her anymore.

Do yourself a favour and don't bother with her. She doesn't want you. Never did. Stop visiting, spend your time with someone who deserves it

I don't understand why you would have anything to do with her, to be honest. She simply wouldn't exist in my world.

I think that sadly it's as @Sedhuko posted - as you and your brother aren't 'blood' she doesn't see you as true grandchildren.

Ultimately it's her loss. I wouldn't bother trying to force a relationship with her.

It's her. I have a really weird situation where an old lady (a friend of my dads) has pretty much brought me up and treats me like a grandchild even though I am definitely not so she's just being nasty - don't waste anymore time of her, you don't need her, family isn't always blood.

My fantastic grandmother died from COVID-19 two months ago. She was in no way related to me by blood, but was the best of grandparents to be since I was a baby, having taken my dad in as a 13-year old when his own abusive parents washed their hands of him. Now aged 43 with 3 kids of my own, I have come to realise the word ‘family’ means different things to different people. Family really can be what you make it, as your parents have proved. This woman doesn’t sound like family to me.

The way she is treating you is awful.
My DS who is a blood relative was treated differently to other gc by his grandmother (my exh's mum). She would drive past the top of our road to go to see other grandchildren and never pop into us! She had her favourite son and his kids so that was that! Her loss though as she isn't very nice so I'm glad not to have her influencing my DS as he grows.

Just remember op - The Golden Ones can wipe her bum should the need arise.
Yabu to have bothered with her given the treatment you receive...

It's definitely not you.
This woman is not a nice person and there's no reason why you should bother with her.

Not the same but my mum and stepdad have only had my dc for a few years, I don't have anything to do with my 'real' dad and have always called my SD 'dad'. My (half) sister had a baby just over a year ago - my parents have doted on their other grandchild, my dc are an afterthought.

I would tell them what they are being like. You have nothing to lose.

I had something similar with my grand parents. When I became an adult I could see why....my.mother (the d-i-l) wasn't the best for forging the relationship whereas my aunt (their daughter) had them over once or twice a week. When she became a single parent they of course helped her put more with child care and financially. So despite years of resentment on my part, I set about creating a new adult relationship with my grandparents. It worked and we became much closer especially with my GM. Sadly they are not with us any more but it was worth making the effort. I had 15/20 great years where I knew they loved us all the same, it was just circumstance which led to the inequalities.

She sounds like a mean old cow. Sorry OP, I know she's your Gran but she does. YADNBU. It must hurt but all of us, adopted or not, have twats in our families. Try to focus on the people who love and support you and be grateful you will never need to wipe her aged arse.

Sadly some people see adopted children as not being part of 'their' family. It is very sad but unfortunately is not something you can change

Why do you keep trying? You’re not unreasonable but she has clearly shown you how she feels about you. Stop visiting, stop contacting her and just move on. It won’t get better

YANBU, but she is never going to give you what you want from her. That's her loss.

I have a relative that I used to run around after, worked for with no pay, and generally bent over backwards in an effort to make her like me. It just made her more contemptuous of me. It took a lot for me to realise that there was never going to be a happy ending for me, but once I did, I was able to detach and be less needy. I'm not totally NC, but we have very little contact and it's healthier for me that way. I heard from her recently because she wanted something, but probably won't hear from her again unless her other children stop speaking to her and she remembers about me.

Your grandmother is cruel and unfair, but that's who she is. She isn't going to suddenly become a different person if you confront her. She knows that the way she behaves is mean, she just doesn't care.

Unfortunately for you she won't change you are going to have to let it go and be happy that you have your parents who love you
You can't make someone feel something they don't
It's not her fault either she has just not bonded with you! it happens
I would imagine tho it's absolutely nothing to actually do with you as a person tho and it's just the fact your not blood
Apparently grand parents can have as strong a bond as they did to their own children with the grandkids
Although most adults would at least try and treat you all the same
Some step parents can easily do this some can't it's often a topic of threads in MN yoiu can't change how you feel

You are unreasonable .
Why do you give her the time of day? If your parent wish to pander to her, let them. But you definitely don't have to have nasty people in your life.

Is your parent the not golden child and why haven't they stood up for you a long time ago?

Time you took a good hold of your ovaries and stand up for yourself. Delete the mean cow from social media and your life.

Don't let this run in to the next generation as well.

@ReginaaPhalange
@Sedhuko

My DC is adopted. They are the centre of our world and adored by our families. I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced this. It’s beyond cruel and if a family member did this to my DC, we’d never seen them again.

Personally I would cut her out of your life. She is unfair and always has been.

She has no time for you so I would reciprocate. Feeling sad because she treats you differently is something you don't need in your life. Horrible woman.