Grandmother treating us differently?

[ReginaaPhalange]

Don't want to bore you with the history, but very long story short. Me and my older sibling are the eldest grandchildren. The parent on my grandmothers side is the eldest child. Me and my sibling are both adopted due to infertility. We both came along soon after birth.

I'm not sure if it's me BU, or her, but she's never bothered with us. We're lucky if we get a birthday card. The next set of grandchildren are born and are absolutely dotted on. I've witnessed it myself to how she treats them, when we were growing up and all playing together, if one of the other kids fell over, the blame would automatically be put on us.

Fast forward many years, my grandmother still doesn't bother. This year we never got birthday cards, but the other grandchildren post on Facebook etc about "birthday afternoon tea with gran". The only other granddaughter was gifted a Michael Kors bag one Christmas. We don't get a card.

We live near gran, we visit regularly and checked in during covid etc. She is able to drive etc, but NEVER visits us. We always invite her for Christmas dinner etc, but she turns us down to go to the other grandchildren's family - but she lies -. Last year, she said she wanted a quiet day as wasn't well, but hey ho, the pictures were on Facebook! We never pulled her up on it as what's the point - she never changes.

My granddad died when I was a baby so not around sadly.

I don't know if I'm expecting too much from my gran or what to do. I just feel she treats me and my sibling differently cause we're adopted, but it's not a nice feeling. I'm not jealous about the gifts etc that the other grandkids get, I'm jealous of the relationship they have with her. I've tried so much but she's never interested.

YANBU - it's not me
YABU - it's me!

Let me know if I should be doing something differently

@ALLIS0N you couldn't be further from the truth. I've already mentioned in previous posts that my parent (and I've not confirmed if it's my mum or dad) has pulled my gran up in the past about the behaviour and she keeps doing it..

She’s a nasty piece of work, and doesn’t deserve you in her life.
I once sat next to a couple at a dinner, and my jaw was on the floor when they openly told me they only had 2 grandchildren, because their other grandchildren were adopted, so not real family. Nasty little fascists, and said so much about them.

I’m sorry if I’ve got it wrong. But Im wondering why your parent didn’t take action when your GM went on treating The rest of you so badly.

What would you do if a relative of yours treated your husband and children like that?

I would not make any more effort with her again. She has treated you appallingly.

I grew up with this. My cousin was golden child. I remember visiting one day when I was quite young. My dad had bought me a lovely silver bracelet. My grandfather admired it and asked where it was from, I told him and he then called over my cousin, gave her the money it had cost and sent her off into town to buy one. Dad hit the roof (these were my maternal grandparents) and said either treat us equally or not at all.

I didn't have much of a relationship with them after that. Cousin remained golden child and tbh I didn't really care as I was close to my paternal Nan. Visited occasionally with my mum but that side of the family remained at arms length.

Walk away. It's not worth the head space.

@ALLIS0N sorry if I've not made myself clear in previous posts, but my parents have made it abundantly clear that her behaviour is out of line. They have spoken to her several times. We get no apologies from her or any effort. I've always tried to be the bigger person, but now it's just grating on me.

Stop trying to be the bigger person. You ARE the bigger person, doesnt mean you need this shit in your life. Drop her like a hot potato.

I agree with @Porcupineinwaiting, you have been very patient over the years with her. At some point one of you has to draw the line with her. And it looks like that needs to be you.

I’m sorry I know it’s not easy, we are trained to put up with a lot from older relatives.

I’m also adopted and my paternal grandmother hated my sibling and I and our mother. Apparently she once told her to “ get these little bastards out of my house “. She died when I was about 8 so I don’t remember any of this, thank goodness.

Apparently she was a piece of work to everyone.

That’s awful OP.

I’m not sure I’d be bothering either.

My kids are the only born grandchildren on exh’s (there are six other grandchildren) and I can say for absolutely sure that all are treated completely equally by ex MIL and were by late ex FIL. Which is how it should be!