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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandmother treating us differently?

59 replies

ReginaaPhalange · 20/09/2020 13:38

Don't want to bore you with the history, but very long story short. Me and my older sibling are the eldest grandchildren. The parent on my grandmothers side is the eldest child. Me and my sibling are both adopted due to infertility. We both came along soon after birth.

I'm not sure if it's me BU, or her, but she's never bothered with us. We're lucky if we get a birthday card. The next set of grandchildren are born and are absolutely dotted on. I've witnessed it myself to how she treats them, when we were growing up and all playing together, if one of the other kids fell over, the blame would automatically be put on us.

Fast forward many years, my grandmother still doesn't bother. This year we never got birthday cards, but the other grandchildren post on Facebook etc about "birthday afternoon tea with gran". The only other granddaughter was gifted a Michael Kors bag one Christmas. We don't get a card.

We live near gran, we visit regularly and checked in during covid etc. She is able to drive etc, but NEVER visits us. We always invite her for Christmas dinner etc, but she turns us down to go to the other grandchildren's family - but she lies -. Last year, she said she wanted a quiet day as wasn't well, but hey ho, the pictures were on Facebook! We never pulled her up on it as what's the point - she never changes.

My granddad died when I was a baby so not around sadly.

I don't know if I'm expecting too much from my gran or what to do. I just feel she treats me and my sibling differently cause we're adopted, but it's not a nice feeling. I'm not jealous about the gifts etc that the other grandkids get, I'm jealous of the relationship they have with her. I've tried so much but she's never interested.

YANBU - it's not me
YABU - it's me!

Let me know if I should be doing something differently

OP posts:
ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 20/09/2020 15:26

YANBU.

She sounds vile.

Anyone who would treat children in an extended family differently due to 'genes' is vile. There's no excuse.

I'd cut her off. Let her 'real' grandchildren look after her. You're going to be cut out of her will anyway, you know that right? You don't count in her head or her heart. So let those that do pick up the slack.

Your parents should have gone NC years ago, ftr, when they saw this happening.

LouLou789 · 20/09/2020 15:31

This is so sad. She’s an idiot! We have 11 grandkids. Three of them are not related to us by blood. All 11 are loved, and “ours”. Don’t keep giving her the opportunity to hurt you, you deserve better.

HyacynthBucket · 20/09/2020 15:32

So sorry about this OP, it is awful. Of course YANBU. One thing I have learnt from rejection by family members is that if it is as obvious as this is with your GM, there is no point in carrying on trying to make it work. All it will achieve is you constantly feeling kicked back and rejected, which is really bad for you. She won't change. You need to stop bothering with her, leave her alone, and get on with your life in a positive way with people who feel positive towards you.

Incidentally, her negativity might just possibly be not to do with you being adopted. I have noticed that if someone likes the parents, they like the child, and vice versa. So could it be to do with your parent that is GM's child, perhaps. What is their relationship like? Whatever, stop trying - it will only cause you more unhappiness. it sounds like you are a remarkable survivor. You deserve much better. Flowers

Lozz22 · 20/09/2020 15:33

That is so sad. Myself and my DSis are adopted and neither set of Grandparents treat us any differently to anyone else in the family. Ok we don't see my Dads side of the family anymore. Haven't seen them since my Dad died but that's down to them. It was all one sided. I used to make the effort to travel over to see my cousin but would find out that when they came over here they would post things all over Facebook but never actually make the effort to come and see us but we never said anything. Then the one time myself and exH went away for the night and drove near to where they lived. Her husband put a sarky comment on my Facebook status saying you could've waved to us. I put one back saying funny that isn't it because every time you come here you don't let us know. He blocked and deleted us both 🤣 saw my aunty and uncle in town ages ago and they both just walked straight past me. Don't think I've changed that much in 4 years!

HyacynthBucket · 20/09/2020 15:34

I meant vice versa, in the sense that if someone does not like the parents, they are unlikely to warm to the children.

Kanaloa · 20/09/2020 15:42

I think this is so nasty. I agree with others that I wouldn’t bother checking in on her and inviting her to you. If she has preferred grandchildren when it comes to gift giving and affection they need to be her preferred grandchildren when it comes to caring and company.

Soozikinzii · 20/09/2020 15:47

YANBU definitely not I wouldn't bother with her any more you've tried your best and she's not going to change now .

Lookingbackatme · 20/09/2020 16:01

This woman has no soul so protect yourself and don’t bother with her anymore. If I were your parent I would have not stood for this behaviour.

If I were one of the other cousins I’d be asking her why she treats you both differently, but sadly some people can’t see beyond themselves being the favoured child and all the benefits that brings.

CatherinedeBourgh · 20/09/2020 16:25

It’s not you it’s her.

OTOH, my pil dote on their other gc but not on ours. Ours were the first and they ‘weren’t ready’ to be gp. They were also always much tougher on dh who was the eldest. All gc are bio.

So it may not be only because you are adopted, but regardless, it’s shit.

SandyY2K · 20/09/2020 16:35

That's really unkind of her. Like other pp have said though, it may be linked to her preferring her other DC and not your DM.

I see quite a few threads like that on here, but I understand why you have drawn your conclusions...as that's the only difference between you and your cousins.

Does your DM get on well with your Gran? And her siblings?

MrsClatterbuck · 20/09/2020 16:45

It's not very nice of her but just think if she needs any care in the future the other gc can do it along with their parents. She might find that they disappear very quick.

Original poster
ReginaaPhalange · 20/09/2020 20:10

@Sunnydaysstillhere

Just remember op - The Golden Ones can wipe her bum should the need arise. Yabu to have bothered with her given the treatment you receive...
I will be living by this now! Told this to my parents today and they agree!!
OP posts:
Original poster
ReginaaPhalange · 20/09/2020 20:19

My parent who's dc she is, is the only one who has done well with their life. The next child in line is jealous of my parent and has always copied them and admitted this. My gran dotes on the jealous child. It's their children who she idolises.

I don't want to say if it's my mum or dad as don't want to be too identifiable, but my parent bends over backwards for her, they invite them over for dinner etc and even offers to pick her up and take her home etc. She treats my other parent like utter shit. She is so nasty to this parent, it's like they don't approve of the marriage and my god, it shows. The parent who's child she is stands up to them but is also aware of her behaviour but doesn't want grudges in life. I think now I will delete her from Facebook and just ignore her. If she mentions it, I think I will be brave and just tell her how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReginaaPhalange · 20/09/2020 20:23

@SandyY2K

That's really unkind of her. Like other pp have said though, it may be linked to her preferring her other DC and not your DM.

I see quite a few threads like that on here, but I understand why you have drawn your conclusions...as that's the only difference between you and your cousins.

Does your DM get on well with your Gran? And her siblings?

My parent doesn't get on with their siblings as they are all trouble makers and my parent is the only one who has worked all their life and done well for their family. The second eldest sibling has admitted their jealousy and tries to copy my parent.

My other parent has a fantastic relationship with their siblings and they are always in my life, always meeting up when we can (pre covid).

I don't want to say if it's my mum or dads parent who is the problem as I don't want to be too identifiable

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 20/09/2020 20:25

I'd have fuck all to do with her from here on in!

FortniteBoysMum · 20/09/2020 20:34

I would personally confront her. Go round and tell her that whilst you have always considered her your gran she has never treated you as she does her grandchildren. If she does not want to bother with you both she may as well just tell you now so you can stop wasting time on a gran who does not love you. It may be hard but it's the best thing you can do as either she does not realise you notice these things or she does not care. One way or another this will change it as either she makes an effort or you save yourself further heartache. Have you spoke to your parents about this and how it makes you feel? Surely they should say something I did when my partners dad's family treated my eldest different yo the child we share. It was awkward but things changed and now they are treated equally.

Marnie76 · 20/09/2020 20:36

She’s adding nothing to your life, and actually making you feel bad. Have nothing more to do with her. I would tell your DPs to do the same

C8H10N4O2 · 20/09/2020 20:37

YANBU

If your cousins, aunts/uncles don't care either then focus on the family you can choose rather than the one to which you had the misfortune to be related.

How are the family on the other parent's side?

80sballetgirl · 20/09/2020 20:48

My DS has biological kids & adopted kids. My parents myself, my DH & kids treat them no differently. Wouldn’t even cross my mind. Don’t understand some people ☹️

80sballetgirl · 20/09/2020 20:49

My DSis not DS!

Plmoknijb123 · 20/09/2020 20:51

Honestly why do you bother having contact with her? Surely you know her conduct is vile.

ALLIS0N · 20/09/2020 20:58

@SherlocksDeerstalker

My fantastic grandmother died from COVID-19 two months ago. She was in no way related to me by blood, but was the best of grandparents to be since I was a baby, having taken my dad in as a 13-year old when his own abusive parents washed their hands of him. Now aged 43 with 3 kids of my own, I have come to realise the word ‘family’ means different things to different people. Family really can be what you make it, as your parents have proved. This woman doesn’t sound like family to me.
I’m sorry for your and your family’ s loss. Your grandmother sounds like an amazing person.
Havaiana · 20/09/2020 21:01

I’m guessing your parent is going to see much of an inheritance. Glad they’ve done well.

ALLIS0N · 20/09/2020 21:10

@ReginaaPhalange

She sounds like a horrible person and I agree With everyone else about having little to do with her.

I’m sorry to say this but I think that your own parent has acted very badly allowing you GM to treat their own spouse and you and your sister so appallingly. Once you marry your first loyalty has to be to your spouse and ten to your children. It’s easy to be the bigger person and not hold grudges when it’s not you who is in the firing line.

I suspect that your fathers failure to stand up for your mother ( that’s my guess Anyway ) is the main reason that your never complained to your Parents about how GM treated you.

Your father had already shown that he wasn’t going to stand up for his wife, so you knew he wouldn’t stand up for his daughters. He had already shown that his own feelings were more important than your own.

How do you feel when you read the comments from the other adoptive parents on this thread who say that they would never put up with a family member treating their child like this?

oreshina · 20/09/2020 21:56

Won't give you the detail but my gran became so toxic I stopped seeing her. I felt sad at first but it was the right thing to do. Blood or not blood...if someone treats you like crap then move on with your life and focus on the people who care about you too.

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