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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH spending hundreds on games for DSC when we are struggling financially. AIBU?

59 replies

Jods90 · 20/09/2020 12:52

I haven't said anything to my other half as I may be being unreasonable but would like to hear your thoughts.

My partners children have both had birthdays recently and they asked for specific games for their console. They both wanted two each and the total was just over £200, then spending money. They are 7 and 8.

Neither us nor their mother are well off, but their mother is very sensible and looks for pre owned games on ebay. The ones they wanted brand new cost between 49.99 and 59.99 each

OH bought them brand new from GAME and I was shocked at the price, not least because we aren't in a good place financially after I was made redundant. All our finances are joined.

We also desperately need to move and are struggling to put any money aside for that.

I couldn't justify (or fathom) spending that much on my DC (also his) when we are effectively poor at the moment.

Him splashing out for their birthdays meant we had to struggle for the rest of the month but I didn't say anything at the time, wanting them to be happy on their birthdays.

For Christmas my DC will be having nowhere near that amount spend on them because I refuse to leave myself brasset for the sake of presents.

Since when do such young children require such expensive presents? What happened to buying toys?!

Your thoughts please.

OP posts:
Gettingthereslowly2020 · 20/09/2020 12:55

I completely see your point.
Also, how are your children going to feel at Christmas when they only have a small amount spent on them and they can see the step children are having a lot more spent on them?

Zilla1 · 20/09/2020 12:56

It sounds excessive in the circumstances, OP and you and your DP need to speak to try and get on the same page though I expect his feelings may be complex given he's split from their mother, especially if their DM had bought the cheaper games they wanted and his choice was giving them these or nothing they said they wanted.

WorraLiberty · 20/09/2020 12:59

Well they are toys really.

I don't think £100 each is too much but the point here is obviously that right now you can't afford it and also, he really didn't need to give them spending money on top.

If you share finances you really should share decisions so I do think you need to speak to him, especially if this is likely to happen again at Christmas.

Original poster
Jods90 · 20/09/2020 13:01

He wanted them to get the gifts they'd chosen and I do appreciate that, but not if it's to the detriment of me and ours.

I will admit I'm not up to date with this gaming obsession kids seem to have these days and do think it's a waste of money.

With hindsight I think he should have redirected them to getting something else but I didn't want to be the wicked step mother if you know what I mean.

What my DC get will be a pittance in comparison as I just won't allow him to waste so much money nor will I do it myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jods90 · 20/09/2020 13:02

I do plan to sit down and have a discussion about this with Christmas coming up as I want to make sure similar doesn't happen again, I was just unsure how it would be received so thought I'd see what the gist of things are here before I say anything.

OP posts:
RainbowReader · 20/09/2020 13:02

YANBU
We have the same set up as you, I have 4 DSC's and all our money is joint. Two of them have birthdays within a week of each other and DH and I planned for both of them financially from the budget.

OhioOhioOhio · 20/09/2020 13:03

He's showing you where you and your dc are on his agenda. Right at the bottom. He can't have not known you couldn't afford it. Get rid of him.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 20/09/2020 13:04

Encourage dc to trade in old games. Help learn the value of money..
Seems they and dh need help with that.

Zilla1 · 20/09/2020 13:04

One thing from your follow up post OP. I'm not a gamer but having seen how many hours DC spend on gaming, you might want to consider the hours/£ ratio before you think games are automatically a waste of money. Compared with other toys with no educational content, they are IME not wasteful based on the number of hours spent. What other toys have you bought that get played with for hundreds of hours?

AnnaMagnani · 20/09/2020 13:05

£100 is too much if your budget is £50. Plus 7-8 year olds may well have v little clue quite how much they are asking for or the value of money.

He is prob over-compensating as well and trying to make up for time with money.

Given your finances are joint, and you have children together, you need a conversation about where the money is coming from and why a 7 yr old is driving your spending priorities.

Original poster
Jods90 · 20/09/2020 13:05

The thing is he would happily splash as much on our DC, but that's where I step in and say no it's not nessecary they don't need something that expensive etc. I feel able to do that with ease as these are my children.

I was reluctant to do this when it was about the DSC as usually what he spends on them wouldn't concern me, when finances were better.

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 20/09/2020 13:09

You need to have a conversation about budgeting. Your dc are currently subsidising his towards family food etc.

I would be very careful about buying a house together. Are you renting currently? Not being able to agree on finances is a deal breaker for me.

Oldraver · 20/09/2020 13:09

One game each would of been more than generous, why on earth did he feel the need to buy two ?

AnnaMagnani · 20/09/2020 13:18

So this is less about DC vs DSC and more about you having different outlooks on spending.

Don't buy a house with him until you have figured this out. At the moment you are also being set up as the bad guy/his mother to always manage the money.

Original poster
Jods90 · 20/09/2020 13:19

We're renting at the moment but not looking to buy for another 4-5 years. We're looking for a new rental as there's just not enough space where we are now.

I think one game each would have been fine but because they wanted two each they got them.

As the games were 'from dad' it was me who gave them spending money, because the gift label didn't include my name (despite me effectively contributing to them) I felt obliged to give something from myself. It was only a token amount mind and nowhere near the cost of one of those games.

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 20/09/2020 13:20

YANBU at all. He could easily have told the children they could only have one game each. It sounds like their mother would be supportive of that, so would make it a bit easier.
Kids often give a list of couple of items they want (or more) but only really expect one of them anyway.

AdaColeman · 20/09/2020 13:21

Perhaps you & OH should agree a maximum amount for each child for birthday & Christmas gifts? When setting that, you will get an opportunity to discuss how much is too much in relation to other budget needs.
Also, instead of asking a child what they want, get them to make a list, saying that they will get “something” from the list. That gives you the option of what to get based on what you can afford.

OH doesn’t sound to be very involved in your family budgets, with different priorities from yours, so that’s something to think about too.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/09/2020 13:27

They are toys and I disagree he should have redirected them elsewhere as a gift should be something the receiver wants. I’d be cross if what I could spend my salary on was dictated to me.

The “me and ours” comment makes his DC sound as though they are not part of that.

Emeraldshamrock · 20/09/2020 13:29

Are your finances combined? How old are your DC?
Sit together and decide how much each child will receive.
£100 each is lots if you're struggling, it isn't an unusual amount for a present from a parent these days.
If the games are kept in good condition they can be traded in for a decent price too

NameChange9824 · 20/09/2020 13:29

I think it's really complicated - as others have said he probably didn't want to get them something they didn't want and be painted as the neglectful and out of touch NRP.

For Xmas, could be talk to his ex and come up with a deal where they both can contribute to something the kids want? Or divide up the more affordable presents between them? I also think that getting them a present they don't really want but you think is 'appropriate' which will end up being put aside on Boxing Day and ignored is even more of a waste of money, tbh. It needs to be something the DCs want or what's the point?

Original poster
Jods90 · 20/09/2020 13:41

Mine are alot younger and not interested in games yet, but when they are (if there ever comes another point when we are struggling) I'll be doing what DSC mother does and looking at pre owned.

There was no expectation from her for him to spend so much as she wouldn't have done it herself. It was simply a case of the children telling him what they wanted and him going out to buy them without considering the aftermath and how that would affect the rest of the month.

I take on board what some PP's have said about how games are toys and not necessarily a waste of money.

I've just casually mentioned what I said in my OP and whilst he has said he won't be spending that much on them at Christmas it didn't come across as well received and he's very quiet now.

He pointed out how he had just bought a new bed the previous month and how that will have added to things being tight. We did need a new bed as ours was broken but that was a necessity and we bought one as cheap as we could find. I think that's very different.

I've explained it like I have here about how its just down to finances and not about me wanting to deprive them of anything or be a spoilsport.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 20/09/2020 13:41

There is no need for two games each, one each would have been sufficient

slipperywhensparticus · 20/09/2020 13:41

My son had one game for Christmas one for his birthday because they were £50 each his Christmas and birthday are three days apart but the point is they are too expensive to buy in bulk

willowmelangell · 20/09/2020 13:42

Specifically about new versus pre-owned games, I drummed it into my dd that the only difference is the cellophane wrapper.
She has an impressive collection and saves well for the occasional time she really wants new.

ForeverRedSkinhead · 20/09/2020 13:44

Make a budget and stick to it. For example , we allow £60 per child for each occasion , they all get the same. If they want something more expensive then they get cash towards it. The simple fact is that you can't afford to do it any other way. I feel that it's the same for you.

Also , him not putting your name on the card/present is ridiculous. Tell him that's not on.

If he's not on board then he's the problem and he needs to change.