OH spending hundreds on games for DSC when we are struggling financially. AIBU?

[Jods90]

I haven't said anything to my other half as I may be being unreasonable but would like to hear your thoughts.

My partners children have both had birthdays recently and they asked for specific games for their console. They both wanted two each and the total was just over £200, then spending money. They are 7 and 8.

Neither us nor their mother are well off, but their mother is very sensible and looks for pre owned games on ebay. The ones they wanted brand new cost between 49.99 and 59.99 each

OH bought them brand new from GAME and I was shocked at the price, not least because we aren't in a good place financially after I was made redundant. All our finances are joined.

We also desperately need to move and are struggling to put any money aside for that.

I couldn't justify (or fathom) spending that much on my DC (also his) when we are effectively poor at the moment.

Him splashing out for their birthdays meant we had to struggle for the rest of the month but I didn't say anything at the time, wanting them to be happy on their birthdays.

For Christmas my DC will be having nowhere near that amount spend on them because I refuse to leave myself brasset for the sake of presents.

Since when do such young children require such expensive presents? What happened to buying toys?!

Your thoughts please.

*we can't

Our finances are joined yes, so when he drops £200 on games that impacts the whole household.

After rent, bills, CM, food etc we don't have a huge amount of disposable so £200 is a big drop from an already small pot.

He's definitely in a bad mood now, brilliant.

I think it’s rather sad that your name wasn’t included on the gift label, does he always do that?

I think you need to decide the total budget for Christmas to spend on all the children. And then divide it up so that your shared children (yours and his) get 1 share each and his kids get a half share each. That's because his kids are also getting something from their mother. And this needs to be agreed and adhered to by him and explained to their mother so she understands the restrictions. And no carp about "well his are older and things are more expensive" as frankly that shouldn't matter.

@AdaColeman

I think it’s rather sad that your name wasn’t included on the gift label, does he always do that?

Agree. Why would he do that OP?

@AdaColeman

I think it’s rather sad that your name wasn’t included on the gift label, does he always do that?

Unfortunately yes, I believe this is because he likes to take credit for the presents / card.

The games he bought when his wages went in so if he wanted to be pedantic he could say that he bought them but it's still family money as we put all of our finances together.

He’s irresponsible with money. You’re not married, so you’d be better separating your finances so at least he’s not spending your money as well as your own. Ensure he pays his share of household bills etc first - set up direct debits for immediately after pay day.

This is why they ended up with even more spent on them for their birthdays because I couldn't bare the thought of them thinking they had nothing at all from me, so I gave them a token amount and got a birthday cake.

@Seeingadistance

He’s irresponsible with money. You’re not married, so you’d be better separating your finances so at least he’s not spending your money as well as your own. Ensure he pays his share of household bills etc first - set up direct debits for immediately after pay day.

Yes I agree completely

theres so many second hand games around he shouldnt jsut aask what they want

what if they say i want 500 phone will he just get it

I dread to think.

Their mother wouldn't allow them to have a phone anytime soon but when they're old enough he probably would yes.

He couldn't buy one outright mind, he'd need to save which he clearly can't do

You could have said the games were from you both. It sounds like neither of you wanted to lose face. You need to have an honest conversation about money and gift giving. Or at least arrange it that luxuries like these come from his free money and not yours.

Whilst I agree they should have had 1 game each, I think it's ironic that you are complaining that your OH spent too much and then you gave them extra money yourself. Surely you could have just said to the DC that the games were from you as well?

if your children are younger, you don't need to spend the same on each of them. It's really easy to buy what looks like loads on young children whilst spending very little (good quality second hand/free cycle etc). Hard (impossible) to do this if older children want the latest gadget.

He's obviously a twat in other ways. How petty not putting your name on the gift.

Sounds a right catch.

Yes I can see how I've only made matters worse by giving extra spending money. It was only £10 each but I wouldn't have felt the need to if he would have put my name on the presents, PP is right that I did it to save face as I didn't want them thinking I hadn't bothered. We have a good relationship and i worried that they (and their mother) may have been miffed at seeing the gift label from dad and nobody else.

It's very clear that he's upset/offended that I've said anything. He took the dog out and left looking downtrodden.

He can't spend this on your shared children he shouldn't be spending it on his other children.
They should all be treated fairly. His other children have another parent too, double the presents. I'm sure your dc have joint presents from you both.
Too complicated relationships like this, too many steps and kids.

He should definitely be putting you on the gift tag as you're his partner. He seems irresponsibile. Did he discuss it with you at all beforehand?

I wouldn’t say it’s a waste of money to get them a game rather than a different toy!!

But as you say you can’t afford it - I have a 14 year old step son - he always asks for ridiculous presents for birthdays and Xmas - last year he wanted a games console (400£+) another time asks for an iPhone 😂

My husband says no - offers an alternative game / money towards game or offers to split the cost of game with the child’s mum.

Plus if you wait a few months the games come way down in price / special offers come up / or you buy second hand

I’d deffo bring this up with him - the children will only start wanting more and more expensive things as they get older

He’s being a bit of a twat. Ask him if he wants to take the bed back and go back to your broken one- be all reasonable ‘I thought we agreed that it was an absolute necessity but the way you’re acting now it seems you think I pushed for it and don’t think we need it. It was only this month- if you feel like that we could take it back? We really could do with the money.’ And make him admit it wasn’t really optional!!
Absolutely set an affordable budget for Christmas that treats all children equally. I’d be very tempted to buy the present for my dc and not put his name on the card, just love mum. And then be all injured I assumed it didn’t matter. Petty, I know.

He didn't discuss the cost of the games with me beforehand no, I just knew that SDC wanted certain games as they told him in front of me.

It didn't occur to me to check the price online as I naively assumed they would be a reasonable price. I almost fainted when I saw how much they cost.

The children aren't spoilt kids they just have no idea how expensive these things are so just tell him what they want.

£200 when you can ill afford it is daft.

My Brother gets his games from ebay cheaper even new games. I dont even buy mine I rent them because they are so expensive.

He either needs to shop around, save or learn to say no.

In the future could he just give them say £50 each and then it's up to them to choose whether to -waste- spend it on a game?

I think £50 per child is reasonable and doable, I certainly won't be spending more than that on our DC.

For context, our DD is getting a doll (£15) a little foldable dolls pram for it (£10) and some peppa pig figurines (£10 ish) so all three of her presents come to less than half the price of one of those games.

I like giving them the money towards the game (50£) as they then can see how much the things they want actually cost and realise that they may have to save up to get them!

That's a really good idea too, Heya.

I can't for the life of me understand why he wanted to go out and buy brand new when he knows their mother has a system where she looks for pre owned online.

I expect there was an element of disney dadding, by that I mean wanting to look good.