If you have no parental help, how do you cope with children?

[afternoonitsraining]

Husband and I are thinking about TTC, but we are both careful people and want to work out finances and things before trying.

Everyone we know seems to rely on their parents for childcare help, and help to buy baby things. We would have none of that due to various issues, we would have to do everything ourselves.

I know it may seem as if counting chickens before they've hatched - maybe we can't conceive anyway. But Childcare is around £60 a day in our area and with no parental help, I just wondered how people who don't earn mega salaries manage with childcare. We wouldn't get universal credit or anything, just child benefit and I would not want to give up working.

No support here. My Mum just didn't want to...her choice. I once had a job interview and she drove me there and sat in the car park with toddler DD while I went in.

That was the most she did for me. It's harder to deal with no nights out really. Neither DH nor I wanted to leave our small kids with a strange babysitter so we didn't go out alone for a long time.

We’ve done it by be really considerate of each other. We make sure each of us gets one decent lie in every week and we take it in turns to let the other have a child free/ work free day as often as we can.
We share the housework equally. We both have two chores each that we absolutely hate so the other always does them.
We have a nice meal every week.
Just generally try to think of the other parent x

Also you have 2 incomes I only had 1 so it is doable OP.

We have no help. It’s become easier this year due to DS going to high school but during primary school we used a lot of holiday and after school clubs. I have a job that’s ok paid but it’s 10 minutes from home and back to back with school. I also work part time and was able to change hours and days to suit during holidays and term time - rather than 5 shorter days, I’d do 4 longer days so that cut back on a days holiday club etc. DH earns more than me and is a 40 minute drive from home. We are fortunate in that respect.

We only managed one week a year as holiday time together. Everything else was split to cover as much of the school holidays as possible.

I had a job where I could freelance. Although it has meant a pay cut and my career is likely fucked in the long term. This meant DH could work 9-5, then we switch and I work evenings and weekends. If I have a medical appointment or haircut its planned with military precision so I can get time off. We very occasionally hire a babysitter for nights out.

We have no family nearby. I took a year's maternity leave and then went back for two days a week for a year, then became self-employed. DH and I both have fairly flexible schedules, which helped, and now the DC are both in school we both work full time. We also used the free school nursery once the youngest turned three (this was before the free 30 hours).

If you have 9-5s it's more tricky. A lot of people wonder why women decide to stay home and set back their careers for a while, but it's a simple solution (if you can afford it) to the childcare problem.

We have zero parental help and average salaries.

I went back to work full time when dd was 9 months old as we couldn't afford to cut hours. I did compressed hours (5 days over 4) to reduce nursery costs. I continued this until she started school. I was lucky my employer allowed it.

When she was a baby and at nursery, our outgoings were bigger than our incomings for a while. When the rules changed so DH could get tax free childcare (I was getting childcare vouchers) that really helped. Once the 30 free hours kicked in, that made a huge difference.

I did everything to develop my career and increase my earnings since dd was born. This means I've worked long hours, and studied, which has been really tough with a young child.

We live in a very small house, so cheaper housing costs.

Finally, and most importantly, we waited until she was 5 to ttc another. I'm now pregnant with number 2. I'm 42, so we knew by leaving it this late, we might not have another, but simply couldn't afford to do it sooner.

We also have a five year gap. No way we could have afforded 2 in childcare at once.

I gave up work to be a SAHM. It’s always worked out better for us financially, it is difficult as I’ve never had any time to myself, now they are both in school I’m looking at retraining and getting back into employment.

Both our DM have died and other family live 300 miles away. We both work full time and my DH works away Monday to Thursday. It's hard I won't lie, nursery is £1000 a month and we have no close friends that live close. We cope, you have to but I do feel jealous when I see friends with their mums to help. You can and you will do it.

We've just had our second, no family nearby and both work full-time. We use a nursery (we would struggle if a child minder was ill) which has worked brilliantly for DC1. Hopefully DC2 will like it as much when she starts next year.

We're lucky we have decent salaries in a low cost area, so the financial side is fine. Practically, we benefit hugely from flexible jobs, one does drop off the other pickup etc. A friend's husband works Tuesday-Saturday so they only need four days childcare, but it does limit their family time at weekends.

Essentially you cope because you have to.

No support here.
You just get on with it.

Op millions of dm would say they wouldn't give up working then they do.
Many are just forced to work for a variety of reasons, some give up work whilst their dc is non verbal and support them, until they are about 3 and then put them in nursery /pre school...

I must admit if your intending to keep working, why have one?

You'll be working hard to pay for extortionate fees so some young girl on pittance can sort of look after your defenseless baby?
ANYWAY, IT was gruelling with no easy support.

I did become a sahm, I'm working again now, which is utter bliss!
It was financially tough for 10 years, I literally made it my job to get us the best food, from reductions in supermarkets, I was plugged into which days and times to buy! I did loads of free cycle stuff, selling and buying second hand.
I didn't have money for baby classes which is no bad thing really but I wish I had done nct for the group support.

That's my biggest regret with dd1.
One year all of dd Xmas gifts had come from free cycle! Did she know? No. Did she care!! No.

She loved them... And ethically etc it was all very good.

The worst times were when I was ill, literally crippled with a migraine. At that time dh worked wasn't very flexible so that was tough. I managed to give her little tries of various lessons...

I used to buy holiday clubs in the summer to give me a break. Ie a few days a week over the long summer.

With dd 2 we had a little more money, I was able to do nct which was wonderful for the friendship, I was able to buy passes for things like the local farm, so we had that to go to once a week...

It would have been perfect if from 2 ish I could have put her in a nursery just a few hours every week to give me a break. Maybe 2 or 3 sessions... That would have been perfect.

It can be very lonely and gruelling. Again if your determined to work, reducing hours slightly or working 3 days is an other better compromise...

Had I continued to work, well the heavy lifting is then done by the nursery.

It also depends on your own child, your own patience levels and how much your partner can help.

Only buy what you need not all the stuff that is a lovely extra because they go through those early phases so quickly. Things like stair gates buy second hand.

Choose childcare near to where one of you works. It's less stress than trying to dash some distance in the commute. I went p/t as DH was working 12 hours shifts which meant he couldn't ever do drop off or pick up.

If you’re used to not having parents around it really is not that big of a deal.

Everyone we know seems to rely on their parents for childcare help, and help to buy baby things. We would have none of that due to various issues, we would have to do everything ourselves.

Most of my friends, like me, live in different countries to their parents and in no sense rely on them financially to help 'fund' children. Only have the number of children you can afford (one in our case), pay for the best childcare you can. And while obviously growing children have costs, 'baby things' aren't at all expensive, because they don't need much. Other than food, something to sleep in, something to wear, a carseat if you have a car, a pushchair or sling for transport is pretty much it. A lot is available cheaply or secondhand.

It does take a massive toll on your relationship. Constantly being broke, never seeing each other and never getting any time off, it killed my relationship dead. My mum has helped my sister a great deal and I’m incredibly bitter about it. I wish I wasn’t but I am. Feel like she has rejected me and my children. Ironically I had a breakdown earlier this year and she has offered to help but my kids don’t really know her so I feel it’s not fair on them. If I had my time again I would have stuck with one. The second has additional needs and I was in retrospect only just coping with the first but two pushed us beyond the point of no return. I’d recommend sticking to one and investing in your relationship as well as your child.

I’m a SAHM now. To be honest when we figured it out, my return to work would have just covered the nursery costs. Include the extra travel costs and the difficulty of arranging hours with work (completely non-flexible!) it wasn’t worth it.
Very happy at home with my one year old and wouldn’t change it anytime soon.

@VirginiaWolverine

I became a SAHP until the children were older.

This. No family member has ever done a single day of childcare for either of my DCs, due to where they / we live, so all planning for childcare, sick children, holidays etc has had to rely on us alone.

In the early years, being a SAHP was the ionly opossible option.

I also changed careers post SAHP-dom - am now a teacher - so holiday childcare cover was less of an issue.

It only makes sence to me to be a stay at home mum, I'm looking at paying my whole wage just for child care, I'd have to pay for diesel to drop off and collect on top of that and also the tax insurance ect, it's not financially viable. I'd be worse off

I gave up work for the most part. Without parental help, I won't lie, it's fucking hard. Relentless. You don't get a break unless you arrange a childminder/childcare. That said, I think I've got a great, close relationship with my kids and I don't regret anything.

@user1471462428

It does take a massive toll on your relationship. Constantly being broke, never seeing each other and never getting any time off, it killed my relationship dead. My mum has helped my sister a great deal and I’m incredibly bitter about it. I wish I wasn’t but I am. Feel like she has rejected me and my children. Ironically I had a breakdown earlier this year and she has offered to help but my kids don’t really know her so I feel it’s not fair on them. If I had my time again I would have stuck with one. The second has additional needs and I was in retrospect only just coping with the first but two pushed us beyond the point of no return. I’d recommend sticking to one and investing in your relationship as well as your child.

Don’t be so daft. That’s because you have a mum who won’t help you. For those of us who just don’t have parents, it does not “kill your relationship dead” or mean you will be “constantly broke.”

@Plesky - I agree. Spend your money on the best childcare you can afford. There are some amazing nurseries, although many have waiting lists.

Childcare costs aren’t forever and you are protecting your career by continuing to work. I’d have been so bored at home and baby/toddler groups aren’t for me.

I’m currently pregnant and plan on leaving work for a few years as if I return to work I will only be brining in a few extra hundred per month for my child to be out of the house all day. I was looked after as a child (my mother was single and had to work) and I HATED it. That has really coloured my choices with my own child. We also plan on having two, at which stage the childcare costs will essentially cancel out my salary once fuel etc is deducted. Ultimately, I think it depends on yours and your partners priorities and finances. We have no help from anyone else but I work with children so would like to be home with my own anyway until they are school age. We will use a babysitter if I have appointments I need to attend alone. When baby is older I am going to look into a work from home position, so if that’s an option for you it’s definitely worth exploring. We have funded all baby items ourselves and honestly if you buy a little bit each month it’s definitely workable for 2 working adults :)

you get on with it.

you are less well off- others who get drop off to school and collection done by family for even just 2 days a week of nursery by family get to save a couple of hundred each month. that's a car payment or more money towards a holiday or savings for kitchen etc.

if you keep working, you might be out of the house for 50-60 hours working and travelling for only a few hundred pounds if you have two that are in full time nursery, even with 30 hours free childcare.

you will be exhausted as you never have a break from the unrelenting duty.

you will spend 2 weekends away and driving each moth to visit and stay with both sets of grandparents after doling a 50-60 hour week.

you will likely drive a crap car as as your pay goes to nursery and after school club.

or the lower paid person/less stable job worker gives up work and has no pension and even less money coming in.

both our families live 2 hours and 4.5 hours drive away. it is tough going but still worth it.