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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my FIl near our baby

59 replies

Daisy2220 · 20/09/2020 08:51

Sorry if this is a bit long...

I absolutely cannot stand my husband's father. He also has a partner who I find irritating but I don't hate her-my husband doesn't like her but seems to put up with her. Anyway, since I met my husband, he has constantly slated his dad and step mum. His dad was very violent and emotionally abusive to him and his sister when they were younger and hearing the things that happened to my husband and how he hates him obviously means I have no respect for him as a father or as a person and have always kind of stuck on my husband's side and never warmed to him at all.
He is also a massive drinker. My husband's auntie didn't speak to FIL for years because he almost dropped her newborn daughter when he was drunk and trying to fight my husband when he was a teenager. He always gets aggressive when drunk-I've seen him tell his partner to "get to fuck", punch my husband in the balls pretending to play fight and other disgusting behaviour.
We have previously only seen him about once or twice a year as he doesn't live near and husband was never keen to see him so it was never a massive issue for me-I just kept my distance.
The problem is now we have a 4 month old daughter and I feel extremely strongly that I don't want him anywhere near her. I feel so protective over her and don't want her exposed to any toxic people. However, he came to visit a few weeks ago and now husband has told me he is coming again next month. I was so overcome with anxiety about his last visit I had to take my daughter upstairs to feed her several times because I couldn't stand him being around her. I used the covid excuse as to why I wouldn't let them hold her but husband told me yesterday he felt sorry for his dad because he told him he wanted to hold her. For some reason, my husband is acting all happy families with his dad and seems to have forgotten all the things he told me about him. Am I supposed to just forget he is an awful person and do the same? I can't-even more so now we have a child. Husband knows how I feel about it all but I don't feel I can keep going on about how much I hate him.
He did say that there will be no drinking and he will be asked to leave if he is at all drunk around our daughter. But I still don't want him near her and certainly not holding her. I know he is her Grandad and my husband's Father so does that mean I have to just get on with it or am I in the right to keep our baby at a distance from him?
I feel I can't refuse to let him visit can I? But am I being unreasonable to refuse to hand our baby to him or do I need to just suck it up?

Sorry for the rambling post. Thanks for reading

OP posts:
MrsMaglev · 20/09/2020 09:20

YANBU op. I understand his dad wants to hold the baby but if you don't feel she's safe with him you don't need to compromise her safety.

My FIL made all kind of intrusive requests when DC1 was born which DH- who's usually good at defining and maintaining boundaries - wanted to comply with. I think becoming a dad made him wish he had a better relationship with his own. Becoming a parent can make you do odd things!

I feel like you can and should keep saying no to FIL if he's making you feel uncomfortable. He's a grown up and he can deal with his feelings.

Pobblebonk · 20/09/2020 09:30

Has your husband given any sort of explanation of why he's suddenly forgotten about all the violence and abuse?

Original poster
Daisy2220 · 20/09/2020 09:37

Thank you for the replies so far.
No, he hasn't mentioned it at all. The only thing he has said is how he wouldn't let his Dad drink around the baby.
Yes, maybe he is tying to build his relationship with his dad but it leaves me in a really uncomfortable position-I haven't forgotten it all.

OP posts:
GreyHare · 20/09/2020 09:39

@Pobblebonk

Has your husband given any sort of explanation of why he's suddenly forgotten about all the violence and abuse?
It's because he is his father, I think unless you lived it you cannot fathom it, my husband had an abusive childhood yet he still has a lot of contact with his parents, he can see their flaws but they are his parents.
Thewiseoneincognito · 20/09/2020 09:47

OP keep your baby away from this man. Stand your ground and say you do not feel comfortable with him having contact after the hellish experience your DP had.

blagaaw99 · 20/09/2020 09:51

Can you maybe suggest meeting them out somewhere? Say due to covid best to be in the open air, take a thermos and cake. That way you could make it shorter/finish it when you want to?

blagaaw99 · 20/09/2020 09:52

(and keep hold of baby)

toomuchtooold · 20/09/2020 09:57

What greyhare said. It can be very hard to think straight about all this stuff if you've experienced abuse in childhood. Your DH is off on his childhood delusion that he can control his dad's behaviour somehow (been there, got the tshirt). You're going to need to be the one that holds the boundaries firm here. You have a duty of care to your daughter that overrides any hurt feelings from your DH or your FIL.

Supertree · 20/09/2020 09:57

I’d stand your ground. He sounds similar to my grandad when I was little. My mum wasn’t a fan. He actually stopped coming around because I upset him as a toddler... by crying when he came near me. I didn’t like loud people and he would get right in my face, being loud and annoying and wanting to pick me up. I didn’t even like my own parents hugging me so I was never going to happily run over to him. What kind of grown man decides to stop seeing their grandchild because they are offended by their normal, toddler behaviour? How pathetic. So maybe your father in law will lose interest.

Mintjulia · 20/09/2020 10:00

If there's a second lockdown he won't be able to.

Original poster
Daisy2220 · 20/09/2020 10:00

@Thewiseoneincognito This is how I feel and what I want to do but it is so hard to say that to my husband, who clearly wants him to visit and have a relationship with our baby.

@blagaaw99 That is a really good idea to be fair. They are coming for a few days I think (not staying here) and last time they came in the house, but with covid cases rising again it does make sense actually to meet outside. I didn't let him hold baby last time (he didn't ask and I didn't offer-kept her really close) but he has now said he wants to hold her next time. I think I will refuse though-to be honest, even if covid wasn't a thing, the almost dropping his newborn nephew is because he was drunk is a decent reason I think. Ugh I feel like I'm being petty but I don't feel this way about anyone else. It is just him.

OP posts:
Houseplantmad · 20/09/2020 10:10

Fair enough not wanting him to hold your baby but really, it's your husband's call about level of contact, surely.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 20/09/2020 10:15

This man is an abusing prick. Why on earth would you entertain him in your home and allow him near your child? Your DH sounds like he is still in FOG. Has he ever had counselling? I would recommend he does so he can start to distance himself from his father.

You would be totally reasonable to say you do not want a known abuser anywhere near your child and refuse to comply. If he comes over, make sure you are out with DC.

Valkadin · 20/09/2020 10:17

Having lived through a childhood till age 13 with a violent alcoholic stepfather who then happily for me died I think you are entirely reasonable not wanting him near your DD. Decisions like this should, be made together but your DH will be under FOG, fear, obligation , guilt. He owes his Father absolutely nothing. Google it and try and get your DH to read up about it. Stand your ground.

Florencex · 20/09/2020 10:17

I think it is up to your DH and you do not have a right to prevent a relationship if he wants one. He is going to be present when FIL sees the baby and obviously is not going to hand her over if FIL is drunk.

Also agree with @GreyHare. My father was physically abusive when I was a child, I still had a relationship with him until he died. I also know he didn’t and would never have behaved with my niece how he did with me and my sister. People can mellow with age and becoming a grandfather may soften him too.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/09/2020 10:24

I don't think yabu but I do think you need to find a compromise. This isn't just your baby, it's DPs too. He also gets a say.
He nearly dropped his nephew when he was drunk and fighting your Do, that doesn't mean him sitting on the sofa and holding your baby is putting your daughter at risk.
If you and DP we to break up or if he said he was taking baby with him when he meets his Dad you would have no control over who holds her.

But ground rules are reasonable. ATM the way lockdowns are going he Mary well not be allowed in the house anyway. If they're meeting out, where would they meet? It Def wouldn't be appropriate of it was the pub etc.

I think you deciding that you aren't meeting him near your daughter is unfair in your dp

MsStillwell · 20/09/2020 10:31

Meeting up at a park or cafe sounds like a good idea. It's a compromise that keeps your daughter safe and gives you more control in terms of withdrawing when you decide.

I feel for your DH. There is always a part of us that loves our parents and wants them to be who we need them to be, no matter how unrealistic that may be.

Lilymossflower · 20/09/2020 10:33

Omg keep his man far away from your baby and your house

Honestly

No no no no no no way is he allowed in

Anydreamwilldo12 · 20/09/2020 10:45

I wouldn't let him near the baby. I would tell my husband that although he seems to want all the abuse his father subjected him to brushed under the carpet, now he has shared that info with you you do not want his father anywhere near your baby and think you are justified in that decision.

Mommabear20 · 20/09/2020 10:47

Do what your gut says is right. I can't let one of my DD grandparents look after her as they have a man on their street who is very well know to police and social services for violent threats amongst other things and I don't feel safe her going there without me or my husband. This has caused many 'upsets' as said parent feels we are saying we don't trust them which is not the case at all. We both love this parent but our daughter is our priority and we will do what we feel is best for her.
Stand your ground.

Original poster
Daisy2220 · 20/09/2020 10:59

Thanks so much for your replies so far.
Some mixed answers-not sure what to do for the best!
The protection I feel for our baby is of course way stronger than risking upsetting fil. But I also need to consider my husbanda feelings. Not sure whether to being it all up with him again.

To those of you suggesting I shouldn't let him near our baby-do you mean not holding her or just not visiting at all? I don't feel I have the right to say to my husband that his dad can't visit. I understand he is his father and it is his decision.
If, when he does visit, he actually asks to hold her ( I won't offer) what do I say? Just no? Or explain the actual reasons why?

OP posts:
MrsBrunch · 20/09/2020 11:00

No way in hell would that man be in my house or anywhere near my child and I would be telling my dh in no uncertain terms.

12309845653ghydrvj · 20/09/2020 11:10

You can’t decide for your husband about their relationship, and you BOTH make decisions about your child so I think you would be very unreasonable to try to prevent him from seeing the baby in any capacity. As others have said, were you separated you wouldn’t have any say in this.

It’s perefctly reasonable to set strict ground rules—meet on neutral ground, no alcohol, hold baby when seated for a short period. No need for you to hang around with him or dedicate much attention to him, but you should support your DH aim having the level of contact he wants, as long as there is no pressing risk to the baby.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 20/09/2020 11:12

If you are going to be too anxious about him asking to hold baby can you and baby just go out for the day when he visits.

MsStillwell · 20/09/2020 11:13

Not sure whether to being it all up with him again.

I would try. Choose a time when you're both calm, and preferably when you're in the car or, even better, on a long walk. There's something easier about talking side-by-side, and a drive or walk puts a natural boundary around the conversation.
Then, I would listen to him, really listen, and seek to learn how he feels and what kind of relationship he wants between his daughter and his father. Lots of good communication stuff - check back that you've heard what he's said, don't argue with how he feels, don't try to problem-solve etc. Give him reassurance, because this will all be coming from a very young age.

Next time, you can explain how you feel and what your concerns are.