To not let my FIl near our baby

[Daisy2220]

Sorry if this is a bit long...

I absolutely cannot stand my husband's father. He also has a partner who I find irritating but I don't hate her-my husband doesn't like her but seems to put up with her. Anyway, since I met my husband, he has constantly slated his dad and step mum. His dad was very violent and emotionally abusive to him and his sister when they were younger and hearing the things that happened to my husband and how he hates him obviously means I have no respect for him as a father or as a person and have always kind of stuck on my husband's side and never warmed to him at all.
He is also a massive drinker. My husband's auntie didn't speak to FIL for years because he almost dropped her newborn daughter when he was drunk and trying to fight my husband when he was a teenager. He always gets aggressive when drunk-I've seen him tell his partner to "get to fuck", punch my husband in the balls pretending to play fight and other disgusting behaviour.
We have previously only seen him about once or twice a year as he doesn't live near and husband was never keen to see him so it was never a massive issue for me-I just kept my distance.
The problem is now we have a 4 month old daughter and I feel extremely strongly that I don't want him anywhere near her. I feel so protective over her and don't want her exposed to any toxic people. However, he came to visit a few weeks ago and now husband has told me he is coming again next month. I was so overcome with anxiety about his last visit I had to take my daughter upstairs to feed her several times because I couldn't stand him being around her. I used the covid excuse as to why I wouldn't let them hold her but husband told me yesterday he felt sorry for his dad because he told him he wanted to hold her. For some reason, my husband is acting all happy families with his dad and seems to have forgotten all the things he told me about him. Am I supposed to just forget he is an awful person and do the same? I can't-even more so now we have a child. Husband knows how I feel about it all but I don't feel I can keep going on about how much I hate him.
He did say that there will be no drinking and he will be asked to leave if he is at all drunk around our daughter. But I still don't want him near her and certainly not holding her. I know he is her Grandad and my husband's Father so does that mean I have to just get on with it or am I in the right to keep our baby at a distance from him?
I feel I can't refuse to let him visit can I? But am I being unreasonable to refuse to hand our baby to him or do I need to just suck it up?

Sorry for the rambling post. Thanks for reading

Could you say to your husband that you feel that his father holding the baby would produce a feeling of dread and upset in you far greater than the pleasure his father would receive. Is it worth it? Does he want to upset his wife?

Has he any other grandchildren?

Whilst it seems an idea to let him hold her whilst he is sitting on the sofa - for one minute! - how would he do this safely whilst on a cafe chair?

Also, I do think you need to talk more to your husband. Acknowledge that becoming a father has probably made him mellow but get him to acknowledge that you haven't .

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I completely understand your concerns but as others have said I think you need to make a compromise with your husband and have very clear boundaries that you both feel comfortable with. I think someone else’s idea of meeting outside of the house is a good idea and Covid gives you the perfect excuse. That way you can leave if you need to. Maybe sit down and have a proper chat with your husband about it but I imagine being a Dad himself has maybe made him want to try and have a relationship with his own Dad. Stay firm in the boundaries you agree though

How awful for you.

You marry someone from a dreadful background who has very little contact with the person.

You have listened to years of horror stories.

Now there is a change of heart and you are now supposed to forget everything you have heard and give tgem access to your precious child.

Your FIL sounds like an the absolute dregs.

I would not want him near me or my child.
I think your husband should see him on his own, away from your home.

He is a violent man.
You did not marry him and have a child with him thinking this scum would ve a part of your life.
Did you?
🙄

Put yourself and your child first

I would put my foot down and refuse. Your husband can see his father anytime and at any other place. Protect your child.

It’s to difficult to see why you feel as you do and I’d feel the same. But your husband is also your child’s parent and has as much say as you do. Sadly, unless you’re able to change his mind, I think you’re going to have to suck it up. Taking all emotion out of this, realistically what harm is holding her going to do if he’s sober?

Not difficult, damn it!

Thank you everyone.

@Chamomileteaplease No other grandchildren-first one so I understand him wanting to see her but the way he acted with his own children makes me wonder why he he would want a relationship with her. Why would you treat your kids like shit but be lovely to your grandchildren. Makes no sense. Not that he would have the opportunity to behave like that with our daughter-he will never be alone with her for sure.

@billy1966 This is how I feel-husband is acting like it all never happened. Makes me feel like I'm just being petty and nasty for not wanting him near her-like I have a problem with him for no reason. So if I say "No, you can't hold her" it will seem like I'm being ridicuous. But I don't want my child to be exposed to someone like this. Related or not. She has enough other loving relatives on both sides. It is literally only for my husband that I am entertaining this.

It seems like the outside meeting might have to be the way to go for now seeing as he has already booked a hotel etc.

I see what some if you are saying-there is no harm in him holding her sober with us both there I guess. Just the thought of it fills me with rage and makes me so anxious. Part of me feels like he just doesn't deserve it. How dare he treat his children that way and just expect to get to cuddle our baby. That may be just my anxiety talking but it's how I feel!

No way would he be holding my baby.

I do think you should allow FIL to see DD, if that’s your husband's wishes, obviously always when you are there as well. Use covid as an excuse for him not to hold her.

As a mum you have got to do what you feel is best for your daughter regardless who's feeling get all hurtanyway with vivid no one should be even asking to hold her anyway

Not vivid covid

YANBU. I can't believe 17% disagree.

but the child is also your husband's
you need to meet half way op

We have a similar situation. It's not solely your decision. As long as one of you is present, and he is not drunk, I don't think it's your place to stop contact.

Generally I’m all for family but the combination of alcohol dependence and volatility/ aggression would worry me too. In the long run I’m sure your daughter will absorb yours and DHs values, not her grandfather’s. It’s important for her to be introduced to the idea that such behaviour is not normal or acceptable, which I am sure you will do. My family was far from perfect with a volatile and sometimes violent ( though not alcoholic) father and I never broke contact though I did fantasise about it, so I understand your husbands dilemma.

How did he behave in your house? Was he aggressive and had he been drinking? Covid is a great mid term excuse to not let him hold the baby and meet outside at a park or at a cafe. See how it goes from there.

Why don't you write a letter to FIL as follows

"Dh has told me about some things you have done to children and others. I have to be quite straight with you and say that makes it very difficult for me to trust you with DD. So if you come to visit us , your access to her will be quite limited, as follows:

 List your rules. 

If you can accept this, we'll see how things go. If you can't, don't come. "

Show it to DH, and say "This is not negotiable. There re the only terms under which your father can visit.  If you don't agree to me  sending this letter, then  you'll have to cancel his visit".

Whatever you decide, you really need to have discussed and agreed with your DH before any meeting takes place. The only way you can actually protect your dd from him is if your dh is on the same page as you and you have agreed your boundaries together. Your DH has as much right to make parenting decisions as you so best you keep a united front rather than make you the 'baddy' who wont let FIL meet his gdd.

I'd explain to your dh exactly how you feel and why. Then explore how you could compromise and reach a solution that you are both ok with. e.g. Meet outside. If FIL has a drink you immediately leave. Agree a signal between you if there's something making you uncomfortable and how you and DH will react in that case. If FIL wants to hold dd he must be sitting down/ wash his hands / pass her back when asked or whatever you need to feel ok. Agree beforehand what will happen if FIL pushes against these 'rules'. Agree beforehand what dh will say to back you up (or you to back him up) if FIL is undermining, rude or passive aggressive comments.

Remember for your dh, sadly this is his 'normal' father-son pattern so he wont be able to see how he is being manipulated or bullied. In order to appease his dad your dh may well be expected to scorn your agreed guidelines. You will be seeing things from a healthier outside perspective.

I can really understand your rage.

In fact I would be so pissed off that your husband has decided to move the goal posts.

You married him know he came from an awful background and didn't hold it against him, but now he's dragging you down by insisting his pif of a father has rights to his grandchild.

Apologies but in my head I would be thinking.... would I really have had a child with you if I knew that you would think your father has rights to my precious child that I carried for 9 months.???

You being made to feel petty is not good.

Is he a bit like his father?

Dismissing your concerns and feelings is NOT good.

OP, I would be very cross to have listened for years to these dreadful stories and now to be made feel petty.

Protect yourself OP.

I completely disagree with the idea that the husband has a say in permitting an alcoholic, abusive man into his child’s life. It’s one thing having an equal say when it comes to letting people into a child’s life, but not if they have a long term history of abuse. If OP’s husband had been sexually abused by his father but the father then found religion and swore he was a changed man, would you say, that’s ok then? I feel there’s a lot of minimising and being kind’ nonsense on here, without actually prioritising the child.

It’s a parent’s job to decrease any risk to their child, not to invite it in, because they don’t want to hurt the feelings of the adults involved. That’s why social services step in, when any kind of abuser is a potential risk to a child. They don’t stand back and say the parents have the right, because the child is theirs.

I can totally understand your dilemma.

My parents were abusive. My father never got anywhere near my children, however before his death two of my siblings did allow him to know their children.

This isn't as simple as you just saying no. You need to have a proper, calm, conversation with your husband and work out, together, how to handle

Becoming a father will have churned up a lot of emotion for your DH about his own childhood.

You need to talk to him about how he sees his relationship, and therefore your DC's relationship, with his father developing from here. What is he thinking and what are his boundaries?

Then you need to think about yours and then, and only then, can you work out together where you can both settle on a happy medium.

For example of my two siblings, one allowed complete access to my father, weekly visits, no restrictions and he attended birthday parties and christmas dinner.

Whereas the other had a very strict set up - they met ones every two/three months, never in the family home, he was never left alone with the children and he was warned if he ever tried to create time alone with the children then the relationship would be over. Also in that second set up my brother met my father with the kids in a cafe or park, his wife refused to be a part of it. There was no birthday parties, or christmas day invitation for him.

Do not underestimate how difficult a time this is for your husband - his emotions will be all over the place. I ended up having counselling when I had my girls because the whole thing with the past and becoming a Mum swirled up a lot of issues trying to work out my childhood.

In theory you obviously have a say who does or doesn’t hold your baby but covid is the perfect excuse at the moment. That way you and your DH can both have what you want: no cuddling of your baby and keeping the peace with FIL. Honesty isn’t always the best policy when it comes to family politics/dynamics.

The reason I have said YABU is because it is not YOUR baby any more than DH and your baby will not be at risk of you supervise and make sure he is sober. People can mellow and we all make mistakes in learning how to parent so it might be a healing thing.

@billy1966 No, my husband is nothing like his dad. He is an amazing father and wouldn't dream of hurting his daughter. He hasn't called me petty or anything himself-these are my own feelings because of how chilled he seems to be about it all. Makes me feel like I am overreacting sometimes but, from reading the replies, don't think I am.
I honestly didn't think we would be seeing much of him because we never have before so I wasn't really expecting there to be much of a realtionship to worry about. Before our baby was born my husband also said that she wouldn't be seeing much of that side of the family so,again, thought we both agreed she would be kept well away.

I guess, as a lot of you have said, my husband has changed his views. That, or he he feels awkward saying no to his dad maybe, or that he knows his sad isn't a threat with us both there. Not sure. But it's just the way he is casually arranging things with him like it is all normal.

@midnightstar66 He was fine last time he visited to be fair. But I did keep baby very close and kept taking her away when I felt anxious. I know that my husband would never let him do anything and he probably wouldn't. It's just having someone lkke that near your baby is so awful and I just can't get rid if that feeling.

I agree I need to speak to my husband again before he comes.

Your DH has as much right to make parenting decisions as you

What I mean by this is that legally your dh has the same right as you to assess risks and decide who your dd can and can't see. In situations where parents are divorced, each parent can make their own decisions about who their child has contact with when they have the child (unless of course there's a court order or something else in place).

For this reason the OP will be protecting her dd for more by reaching an agreement with her dh and getting him to take shared responsibility for assessing those risks and seeing the dangers than by 'banning' or 'forbidding' contact that he doesn't agree with and risk him going against her or behind her back.