To not let my FIl near our baby

[Daisy2220]

Sorry if this is a bit long...

I absolutely cannot stand my husband's father. He also has a partner who I find irritating but I don't hate her-my husband doesn't like her but seems to put up with her. Anyway, since I met my husband, he has constantly slated his dad and step mum. His dad was very violent and emotionally abusive to him and his sister when they were younger and hearing the things that happened to my husband and how he hates him obviously means I have no respect for him as a father or as a person and have always kind of stuck on my husband's side and never warmed to him at all.
He is also a massive drinker. My husband's auntie didn't speak to FIL for years because he almost dropped her newborn daughter when he was drunk and trying to fight my husband when he was a teenager. He always gets aggressive when drunk-I've seen him tell his partner to "get to fuck", punch my husband in the balls pretending to play fight and other disgusting behaviour.
We have previously only seen him about once or twice a year as he doesn't live near and husband was never keen to see him so it was never a massive issue for me-I just kept my distance.
The problem is now we have a 4 month old daughter and I feel extremely strongly that I don't want him anywhere near her. I feel so protective over her and don't want her exposed to any toxic people. However, he came to visit a few weeks ago and now husband has told me he is coming again next month. I was so overcome with anxiety about his last visit I had to take my daughter upstairs to feed her several times because I couldn't stand him being around her. I used the covid excuse as to why I wouldn't let them hold her but husband told me yesterday he felt sorry for his dad because he told him he wanted to hold her. For some reason, my husband is acting all happy families with his dad and seems to have forgotten all the things he told me about him. Am I supposed to just forget he is an awful person and do the same? I can't-even more so now we have a child. Husband knows how I feel about it all but I don't feel I can keep going on about how much I hate him.
He did say that there will be no drinking and he will be asked to leave if he is at all drunk around our daughter. But I still don't want him near her and certainly not holding her. I know he is her Grandad and my husband's Father so does that mean I have to just get on with it or am I in the right to keep our baby at a distance from him?
I feel I can't refuse to let him visit can I? But am I being unreasonable to refuse to hand our baby to him or do I need to just suck it up?

Sorry for the rambling post. Thanks for reading

Why would you treat your kids like shit but be lovely to your grandchildren

Because decades have passed and people change? Because the pressures and expectations of the two roles are very different?

Surely, you should only be seeing grandparents socially distanced so holding your DD is still not an issue.

It is quite common for bad parents to make okay grandparents - I’ve seen it with my parents. I wouldn’t leave the baby alone or ask FIL to be responsible for or babysit her at anytime because you can’t trust him to do this safely.

However, I don’t see the issue with him holding her in your home while you supervise. As for the idea of writing a list of ‘rules’ and telling your husband he has to follow them - what would happen if you divorced at any time? Your husband has to be able to make decisions for your baby and keep her safe too. Obviously you would watch FIL carefully and reevaluate if there is any issue.

I dont understand what the problem is providing, 1..he is not alone with the baby and 2.. he is definitely sober and has not been drinking at all

I dont understand what the problem is

When a friend or partner has confided in you about something like this you can feel very protective, and indignant on their behalf. Whereas they have complicated feelings that include love and loyalty, circumstances seem far more clear cut to the listener.

It is clear you dislike & distrust him but your husband seems to want the contact so ypu need to talk to him about your concerns & boundaries. It prob goes without saying that if he is at all under the influence then he does not get over the threshold. But onve he is sober & polite etc. then a short visit to see the baby with one of you present at all times is no risk (covid aside) to a small baby. On the other hand, your anxiousness could transmit & cause your baby to fret. You will need to have learn some coping mechanism to calm yourself rather than leaving the room all the time. If you have endured him in small doses up to now, albeit with strong reservations, then it will be strange to just slam the door on him now without any explanation. Either decide together he is not welcome or agree the boundaries. You can even state your concerns to your FIL if it comes to it...uncomfortable tho tho that might be, it would be honest...why skirt around it.

Its funny how we are conditioned to accept family members who have previously been physically abusive to the parent as a child and are supposed to trust them around our young children. From what you are describing he still remains an abusive drunk and i think you child has nothing to gain from having any type of relationship going forward with them , so i would draw your line in the sand now and say that you do not want a violent drunk , even if he is on his best behaviour in your presence, having any physical contact with your child. They will never be a trustworthy grandparent.

You need to protect your baby - that comes above everything else.

Think baby will be in a sling and cluster feeding the whole visit 😏