Toxic family friend resurfaced aibu

[Waitingforthehammertofallll]

This may be long and complicated but I'll try and be as concise and to the point as I can.
My mum has had this friend she has known since the 60s so they go back a long way. She has always been a strange sort, takes offence very easily, dramatic, interfering, deliberately trying to goad people. I remember her visiting regularly when I was a child and she used to speak toy brother and I quite sharply and snap at us. If we were misbehaving or up to mischief she'd shout in out faces and constantly complain about us to our mum "she's just done this, she's just done that" so my mum would tell us off and she'd be all smug. My mum was aware she was a difficult character but nonetheless it was her friend so we tolerated her through the years. She has never had DC of her own and always seemed to see my brother and I as an inconvenience when she came to visit, overly strict, intolerant and irritable with us. My mum did make it clear to her though that we were her kids and came first and she has to accept that if she was to spend time at our house. She just seemed a bit embittered regarding children. She'd say "get out the way" and "shut up" and things like that.
Safe to say I never really liked her but we were always courteous as a children. We were intimidated by her I think !

Fast forward years later to me having my own son after an awful long labour and emergency CS after he got into difficulty. Mum rang her to say I'd had him but I'd had a rough time. She wanted to visit me in hospital but my mum declined this as she knew I wouldn't want her there. I only wanted DH and my mum visiting. She took the hump massively and said she's practically family so should be there to see the new baby. Mum said she'd WhatsApp her a photo of me holding my ds. She never replied to the text. Mum said herself that she's in a huff and said "you know she can be a funny one, don't worry" . I hadn't got the energy or tolerance for her childish emotional blackmail and games.
I was enraged ( a mix of exhaustion and hormones) and rang her and gave her a piece of my mind saying she had no right to make demands, she wasn't especially nice to me as a kid so why would I want her there. It culminated in an epic row where she told me "you're a fat cow, you'll do no good, you're mental " plus other insults. I slammed the phone down. Told my mum ,she was appalled. Said she wanted no more contact with her. No contact for 8 years. I vowed never to let her near DS. I never wanted to see her again. I suffered mild depression and anxiety during my pregnancy and it got worse after the birth so these negative feelings compounded and left me feeling shaken and unsettled. It was all about her and what she wanted, she was very demanding and selfish.

So last week through the grapevine mum has heard she has been in hospital and is quite ill. She's 10 years older than my mum so getting on a bit Mum has phoned her and said it was lovely to chat "it was as if nothing had ever happened" and as the friends DH has recently died mum said she is welcome to come and stay and mum can help look after her!!! I couldn't believe it, as if my mum's memory has been erased and she's forgotten how vile she was to me!!

The friend has not offered any apology to me ,she's asked my mum how I am and how old is my DS now and she would love to see him. After the way she treated me I don't think so!!!!
I want nothing to do with her. I don't want my DS near her. She is toxic and unhinged. My mum is acting like nothing ever happened.

I've argued with my mum over it and asked her where her loyalties lie. She said I'm ridiculous. I probably am, I don't know!!? If someone had treated one of my DC like that I'd be livid !!!!

Just seems bad that she can waltz back into our lives oblivious to the hurt she caused.
Sorry it's long. I wanted to provide as much background info as possible.

*to my brother , not toy !

Shes on her way out. Despite how she treated you, she is a link back to your mums past and these may be the friends last few years.

I would let it go. She sounds harsh but equally it's not like she committed a heinous crime or stole your bloke or robbed you or anything.

If anything I think this is a long time for you to have harboured this grudge.

I wouldn’t fall out with your mum over this, but I would decline to see her while this awful friend is there. If she’s still a cow, surely your mum will be upset by her soon enough.

@GoldfishParade thanks for the reply.
I think she could apologise though. I don't think anyone deserves to be called such vile names down the phone a week after having a baby.
But yes I agree with you, they are both getting on in years now. Mum's in reasonable health still ,I'm not sure what the current ailment is with the friend, I just know she has been in hospital for a while. But she's nearly 80 now. I don't want my mum to lose her friend, it's just that I still feel hurt. She's not a nice woman, mum knows this deep down.

@TestingTestingWonTooFree I'm planning on avoiding her, I've told mum I will see her when she is at my sister's place visiting without her friend. My DS will miss his grandparents and I don't want him to be deprived of seeing them. I'm hoping it's a temporary measure and she will be able to go back home and have carers in etc so my mum won't feel obliged to look after her. Thank you for replying

Some old friends are like family, and some are like family members you don’t particularly like or get on with but nonetheless that bond is there.
I would support your mum as it’s clearly important to her.
I understand that her past behaviour was not acceptable and I do agree you were right to stand up to her in the past.
It’s possible she has mellowed (people do) and you don’t have to become best buddies with her, just cut your mum a bit of slack and don’t make her feel she has to chose.
You can still refuse to accept any bad behaviour though.

@Almostlegible thanks. Yes I see what you mean. It's just infuriating how she's crawled her way back in but I'll have to try and see past it. If there was another disagreement between me and her, I think my mum would side with her due to her being elderly and infirm.

There is no need to engage with her; there was no need to phone her after your child was born - she'd asked to visit, you'd refused and that should have been that. Just steer clear of her and leave your mum to manage her own friendships.

@katy1213 thanks for contributing,it's always good to see it from another perspective.

I agree with others don't ever see her or engage with her again but don't let it affect your relationship with your mum. She sounds like she has a bit of a hold over you mum and there's not much you can do. A quiet word to warn your mum and remind her of the friend toxicity is probably appropriate but if she chooses to continue with the friendship I would approach it as you would a friend with a toxic boyfriend, be there for her and be ready to pick up the pieces but be wary of getting too close to the drama.

Also I completely disagree with@katy1213 calling her and standing up for yourself was a very brave thing and rescued your mum from the horrendous hold this woman had on her for 8 years. She sounds awful and I think you should be proud you have stood up to her.

This is a tough call. YANU in wanting nothing to do with this woman. That said, she's never committed a crime against you and you don't have to be involved in your DM's friendships. It may be that she's very important to your DM. Remember that DM did completely sack this woman for several years as a friend for being obnoxious to you, but may still care about her. Your DM has just learned that she is v unwell. I'd cut DM some slack and let her 'do right' by an old mate, just because she may suffer guilt for years to come otherwise. When push came to shove, your DM chose you unequivocally. Let her indulge her kindness to her mate now. You don't need to get involved. Set a few clear boundaries for DM's benefit and relax.

All the best.

Thanks @Feelingconfused2020
When i remind my mum what she's like she says "I know I know!!" She is a very odd woman. I think mum's just nostalgic of past decades and memories and wants to resurrect the friendship for that reason.

Just to add, I completely understand and agree with your decision to put the woman in her place. She does sound horrid.

@TheChiefJo we used to dread her visiting when we were kids, she even used to get on my dad's nerves too. Mum keeps saying she (the friend) didn't have an easy childhood and couldn't have children of her own so we have to try and be nice to her so I think that's why mum has always tried to overlook her unpleasant attributes. I still don't see why we should put up with it!

Thank you for replying. I've been a long time lurker on AIBU but always been hesitant to post!!

You get to choose if you or your child see her but you DON'T get to decide if your Mum does, sorry.

Your Mum is trying to do something nice for someone, it isn't really about you. Yes, her friend sounds like an arse, but she's sick, your Mum is trying to rise above. Let her.

Don’t say things you don’t mean- I don't want my mum to lose her friend, it's just that I still feel hurt.
You literally asked her where her loyalties lie so you don’t mean the above at all.
‘The hurt she caused me’ really, She was horrible but it was a one off incident. Over the phone. You had a baby to concentrate on and have given this way too much airtime. Your mum is a very loyal friend, her friend isn’t very nice, Im sure you can adapt to this!!

I have an Aunt like this, never really liked children and we were always made to feel we were 'in the way' whenever she was with my mum. Fast forward a good few years and I leaned she had an awful marriage, was manic depressive and couldn't have children. She is a lot better now we are adults but I know that feeling. Is it possible that she might want to apologise somewhere down the line? As she has only just got back in touch, it is early doors - would you accept an apology if she offered on and be able to move on from it?

@timeisnotaline . I haven't said anything I don't mean. I've spent ages trying to think all this through before typing it out. I can see what you mean that that could be seen as contradictory. I suppose I'm divided on that, I don't want her to lose her friend, but on the other hand if someone had treated one of my children like that they'd be cut off in instant. Since that phone call and argument we had no further contact so I can't see how it's 'airtime'. She had no right to make demands to see my newborn in hospital and then flounce off childishly when refused. So I felt at that time a call to her to put her in her place was warranted.

She's waltzed back into your mum's life, not yours. You do not have to see her and I can totally understand why. Your mum knows her bad points and seems to want to spend time with her anyway. This does not mean she values or loves you any less, or your child. Perhaps just make it clear to your mum that you respect the decisions she has made but you do not feel that you want any contact with this person again and don't feel she's a positive influence on your child. You don't have to see her just because your mum is and if she makes things difficult for your mum because of this, you don't have to sort anything out for your mum.

OP I agree about demands to see your newborn. Really out of order and shows she was thinking about herself and not your needs. Refusing that request was fine. You did nothing wrong and I'm glad your mum was able to back you up on that.

@timeisnotaline I can see what you mean though, reading your post again. Thank you. Yes I will adapt. I guess I'll have to as mum wants her back in her life

Sorry to hear your story OP and I fully understand as Iv been through similar but have to say, much worse toxic family friend situation than yours.

Parents were friends with another couple who were toxic friends and they lived in our house for 3 years, behaving similar to your mothers toxic friend, but worse, they were abusive, non sexual abuse but other forms. They had a baby as well but loved their child etc and was horrid to me and my sister. My mother and father allowed them to have control and power over us, and them, they took over the house and my mum was under their thumb.

Mum spent her Weekends shopping with the female friend and left me alone on a sat with tv and takeaway pizza.

Parents sided with these friends stating that they were adults and was only doing what's best and out of love. Parents couldn't see that it was controlling and bullying and my mother is still friends with these ppl !!

It's ruined my relationship with my parents as they still remained friends with these ppl despite me telling them they basically ruined my childhood and adolescence And my relationship with them

OP. Whatever about the details. A family friend called you a cow. 8 years later of NC later, you are still seething. Come on.