Toxic family friend resurfaced aibu

[Waitingforthehammertofallll]

This may be long and complicated but I'll try and be as concise and to the point as I can.
My mum has had this friend she has known since the 60s so they go back a long way. She has always been a strange sort, takes offence very easily, dramatic, interfering, deliberately trying to goad people. I remember her visiting regularly when I was a child and she used to speak toy brother and I quite sharply and snap at us. If we were misbehaving or up to mischief she'd shout in out faces and constantly complain about us to our mum "she's just done this, she's just done that" so my mum would tell us off and she'd be all smug. My mum was aware she was a difficult character but nonetheless it was her friend so we tolerated her through the years. She has never had DC of her own and always seemed to see my brother and I as an inconvenience when she came to visit, overly strict, intolerant and irritable with us. My mum did make it clear to her though that we were her kids and came first and she has to accept that if she was to spend time at our house. She just seemed a bit embittered regarding children. She'd say "get out the way" and "shut up" and things like that.
Safe to say I never really liked her but we were always courteous as a children. We were intimidated by her I think !

Fast forward years later to me having my own son after an awful long labour and emergency CS after he got into difficulty. Mum rang her to say I'd had him but I'd had a rough time. She wanted to visit me in hospital but my mum declined this as she knew I wouldn't want her there. I only wanted DH and my mum visiting. She took the hump massively and said she's practically family so should be there to see the new baby. Mum said she'd WhatsApp her a photo of me holding my ds. She never replied to the text. Mum said herself that she's in a huff and said "you know she can be a funny one, don't worry" . I hadn't got the energy or tolerance for her childish emotional blackmail and games.
I was enraged ( a mix of exhaustion and hormones) and rang her and gave her a piece of my mind saying she had no right to make demands, she wasn't especially nice to me as a kid so why would I want her there. It culminated in an epic row where she told me "you're a fat cow, you'll do no good, you're mental " plus other insults. I slammed the phone down. Told my mum ,she was appalled. Said she wanted no more contact with her. No contact for 8 years. I vowed never to let her near DS. I never wanted to see her again. I suffered mild depression and anxiety during my pregnancy and it got worse after the birth so these negative feelings compounded and left me feeling shaken and unsettled. It was all about her and what she wanted, she was very demanding and selfish.

So last week through the grapevine mum has heard she has been in hospital and is quite ill. She's 10 years older than my mum so getting on a bit Mum has phoned her and said it was lovely to chat "it was as if nothing had ever happened" and as the friends DH has recently died mum said she is welcome to come and stay and mum can help look after her!!! I couldn't believe it, as if my mum's memory has been erased and she's forgotten how vile she was to me!!

The friend has not offered any apology to me ,she's asked my mum how I am and how old is my DS now and she would love to see him. After the way she treated me I don't think so!!!!
I want nothing to do with her. I don't want my DS near her. She is toxic and unhinged. My mum is acting like nothing ever happened.

I've argued with my mum over it and asked her where her loyalties lie. She said I'm ridiculous. I probably am, I don't know!!? If someone had treated one of my DC like that I'd be livid !!!!

Just seems bad that she can waltz back into our lives oblivious to the hurt she caused.
Sorry it's long. I wanted to provide as much background info as possible.

You can easily just wait this out- if your dad doesn't like her and only your mum really wants here there, then she probably won't last long as a houseguest. Especially if she is quite demanding.

You don't need a reason not to see her, not liking her is enough. The rest really isn't worth your time or energy.

It's hard for some people to be in a situation where there is nobody they can talk to and say 'Do you remember when...?'.

Not just for the mean friend, but for your Mum as well as whilst she has your Dad, he won't know everything and she may be conscious that in ten years, she could be in the same position.

You don't have to see her. You can't insist that your Mum doesn't, though - unless she was the type of parent who vetted all your friends and boyfriends to the extent of giving you permission to be with your OH now, she hasn't done similar to you because you have the right to choose who you are friends with, just as she does.

Oh dear, a few typos there, apologies. But I think my meaning is clear. Your friend can't hurt you now, as an adult, unless you allow her to.

Abusive arseholes are abusive arseholes because they get away with it. They rely on others making excuses for them. Stay away from people who make your life worse.

@WiserOlder

She sounds insane. What is your mum's level of emotional intelligence to have had a friend like this?! I'd say to her as calmly as you can manage ''do what you think is right''.

That's unfair and unkind.

We don't know the background or why the OP's mum stood by her.

And what she chooses to do now is her decision. The OP needn't get involved.

Well, it might be projection (on my part on to the op's family system) and that would be a potentially fair criticism, but it's not unkind to just ask the question.
@Nanny0gg

@BabyYoda

Abusive arseholes are abusive arseholes because they get away with it. They rely on others making excuses for them. Stay away from people who make your life worse.

You are totally right here, however identifying the people who make your life worse is not always a straightforward endeavour, they go to some lengths to disguise what's going on and they target people who have low self-esteem & poor boundaries (or badly constructed shark cages www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/ )

You are carrying too much baggage around from the past instead of recognising that you have arrived at the destination.

The destination is: "I do not like Bertha"

Can Bertha come round to visit? -> No, I don't like Bertha, we are not friends, do not bring her.

Bertha thinks A,B,C about you. -> Don't talk to me about Bertha please. I don't like her. I don't care what she thinks.

You are mean to not involve Bertha, everyone agrees -> I just don't like Bertha that's all, so of course I don't involve her.

See? You are at the destination, stop going on about the journey and put down the baggage.

Stop going on about the journey
I think your post is great sense but...is it not sometimes useful to analyse the journey 🤔

@MitziK

It's hard for some people to be in a situation where there is nobody they can talk to and say 'Do you remember when...?'.

Not just for the mean friend, but for your Mum as well as whilst she has your Dad, he won't know everything and she may be conscious that in ten years, she could be in the same position.

You don't have to see her. You can't insist that your Mum doesn't, though - unless she was the type of parent who vetted all your friends and boyfriends to the extent of giving you permission to be with your OH now, she hasn't done similar to you because you have the right to choose who you are friends with, just as she does.

This. You don’t have to engage with this, statements like where is your loyalty are inflammatory, you don’t have to see her.

Yes, of course, analysis is useful. In this case though there is a really really simple end point of not liking one of your mum's friends and thus choosing to have nothing to do with her.

The mum has decided she is ready to forgive her old friend and be friends again.

The mum friend and op had a row many years ago. The mum friend is a cow. Mum has decided she can live with a bit of cow. OP has decided otherwise.

While I understand how hurt you were from her horrible comments, it has been 8 years and she is now very unwell.

I think you need to take the moral high ground here. By all means, keep your distance, but don't demand an apology. Not only will it not happen but you'll open old wounds, which will not benefit anyone.

You need to let it go and don't make your mum choose. If your mum wants to be friends with her it doesn't mean she thinks how she treated you was okay but it's in the past and not everything is about you and your DS. She probably said that to be polite but either way of course you don't have to see her.

I don't think your main issue is about her being rude to you after you had your DS, but rather how awful she was to your and your DB throughout your childhood - and your DM allowed that to happen.

The constant drip, drip of negativity has rightly made you wary and probably contributed to your anxiety about the situation now.

It sounds like this woman made you feel unwelcome in your own home as a child, I'm unsure why your mum tolerated her treatment of you and your sibling. It's up to your mum if she wants to see her, but stand your ground and refuse to see her or be dragged into the drama. She has reaped what she has sown!

Gosh you hold a grudge for a very long time. To be still hurt eight years later is something else.

But it’s not as if this was one silly row and before this the woman was a dearly loved surrogate auntie. The row was the straw that broke the camel’s back; the catalyst the OP needed to break away.

I also wouldn’t be ecstatic that it sounds like she has conned your mum into being her unpaid carer

This would also be more concern. It seems a not very remarkable coincidence that she discovered a sudden urge to make things up with the OP’s mom just as she also discovered she was in poor health and had no one to look after her.

OP - I would make this point to your mother one more time, telling her you would be concerned about her taking in full-time care of someone else, whoever it was. (My mother is a similar age and I know I’d be concerned). Then, after I’d said my piece, I’d make a pact with her. Tell her you’ll accept her decision to restart contact and have this woman in her home, but in return, you do not want to hear ‘Awwh, she’d love to see you and little DS’ or ‘It was years ago; can’t you forgive and forget?’ You’ve made your decision and expect it to be respected, and will do the same for her in return.

You are carrying too much baggage around from the past instead of recognising that you have arrived at the destination. The destination is: "I do not like Bertha"

This makes Bertha sound like an obscure Romanian city. The kind of place Ryanair would fly to from Bristol or Southampton.

I can really understand Pop's situation.
A very unpleasant, often unpredictable and uncalled for vitriolic attitude, meted out to the OP as a child, DOES have lifelong effects, that goes further than a grudge. This person was part of OP's life when she had no control of it and this friend was almost a bit abusive. You can't let that go easily. I really understand the post natal phone call and the fear and resentment that has ensued since she has come back into her mother's life.
I'm interested to know how OP''s father feels about her being in his house, possibly needing a lot of care?
I'm sympathetic.

You are not boss of your mum. She can be friends with whomever she chooses. You are unreasonable to think otherwise. Your mum does not have to be 'loyal' to you by rejecting others. That's playground thinking better left behind at primary school.

However...

You are absolutely correct and reasonable to ensure that this woman has no contact with you or your child. To be fair, your mother should gave done a better job of protecting you from her when you were a child. You bravely and correctly told the woman the truth after your child was born. Tell your mum you love her no-matter who her friends are, and ask her (firmly) not to share news or photos of you and/or you child with anyone, without your permission.

You are in the right, OP. You just need to be a tiny bit less emotional about it.

She sounds like one of those people you need to just ignore and be the better person. I would accept your Mum wants to look after her but just be honest and say whilst you are sympathetic to this lady you don't feel any connection to her and you're not interested in seeing her. You only had a relationship with her in the first place because it was forced on you as a child and you weren't close then, why would you be now?

YANBU to not want to see her or have your child around her.

YABU to try and make your mother choose “where her loyalties lie.” Your mum is fine to have friends you don’t like or approve of. You’ve held on to hurt and resentment fit a long time and the only person it harms us yourself.

Leave your mum to it.

YANBU to be pissed off she hadn't apologised but YABU to expect life always to be fair. Don't have anything to do with her but don't be annoyed at your Mum.

Your Mum sounds lovely and she seems to know the friend inside out. She knows she can be a bitch but she understands what the friend has gone through to make her that way. I like people who find the good in others.

Life is too short to be so annoyed at this

Your call who sees your son entirely. Personally, I wouldn’t want her near him. I doubt she’s mellowed with age. I also think she’s going to exhaust your mum while she’s there and wear out her welcome entirely. Let your mum know that she created the rod for her own back.

You don’t need to meet her again or have her around your son, but it’s totalky unreasonable to ask your mum to pick sides when she wants to enjoy time with an old friend. The arguent you had with her does sound a bit like a spat you started that she took too far—yes you were right it refuse her attending, you ringing to be confrontational was to make your feelings clear, let’s be honest it wasn’t a neutral act!! She shouldn’t have risen to it but you clearly weren’t ringing her to have a nice chat about the baby!

So there’s a lot of water under the bridge, the best thing you can do is just stay out of it! She’s not going to be your friend, that’s fine