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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - demanding MIL

72 replies

Groveparkmama · 17/09/2020 14:46

My mother in law is driving me mad and I don’t know whether I am being unreasonable to be so annoyed / frustrated. I had a baby at the start of March just before lockdown started. From the start of lockdown until a few weeks ago I was having to sort out her weekly shop, until I finally managed to convince her to get her own Ocado account. At the start of August she had to go into hospital for a few days and then it transpired that she contracted C Diff in hospital so is now on antibiotics. She has not left the house in over a month and now keeps asking me to do chores for her including, most recently, to collect a stool sample and then take it to the GP for her. She also asks me to do things like order photos to be printed, when I know full well that she knows how to use the internet and order things online - every time we see her she has bought something online for the baby.

My husband is one of three. His sister lives a 10 minute drive away. She has a 16 month old and works 3 days a week. The brother is single and lives a 15 minute walk away from his mum. My father in law works in Glasgow Monday - Friday, but hasn’t been home to London since mid-March, not even when his wife was hospitalised (there is something weird going on there).

I understand that my MIL needs help, but I don’t know why it has come to be that I am the one that seems to be responsible for providing the majority of that help. I think she feels that I am on maternity leave so am “free” to help. Usually when someone has a new baby family step in to help them, but I have felt like I am looking after my baby as well as my MIL. Individually the tasks that she asks me to do are quite small, but collectively it all adds up to quite a lot of work and I also feel like some of her requests are unnecessary, like asking me to buy and deliver bottled water to her (Ocado won’t deliver bottled water). Why can’t she just use her Brita filter?!

This is turned into a bit of a rant, but I am interested to know whether people think my frustration is justified. My husband thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill!

OP posts:
WhatWouldPennyDo · 17/09/2020 15:02

It does sound irritating, but I’d be directing that irritation towards my husband, if I was in your shoes! Why isn’t he supporting him mum or organising broader support between him and his siblings?

JellyNo15 · 17/09/2020 15:05

Either refuse point blank or just do what you consider important. Someone else will have to step up then.

Tarantallegra · 17/09/2020 15:05

My husband thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill!

He can bloody do it all then can't he?

Conkergame · 17/09/2020 15:06

Why isn’t your DH doing the things she asks you to do? You have enough on your plate with a new baby!

VettiyaIruken · 17/09/2020 15:07

I think you should start saying no.
If your husband dares to complain, tell him to feel free to do it himself and you're not her skivvy.

5longdaystogo · 17/09/2020 15:10

@Tarantallegra

My husband thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill!

He can bloody do it all then can't he?

I agree, tell her you will get DH to do it everytime she asks, and if he complains tell him hes making a mountain out if a molehill. Its not your responsibility

LGY1 · 17/09/2020 15:15

What do you / she mean by “Ocado don’t deliver bottled water”
Yes they do!

mbosnz · 17/09/2020 15:15

Would he be making a mountain out of a molehill if your mother was constantly asking him to do for her, would he be doing for her the way you have been for his mother, and he got fed up with it, and felt that you and your siblings should be the first port of call for your parent?

TastelessBracelets · 17/09/2020 15:19

Let me be the umpteenth person to say that if your DH doesn't think it's a big deal, let him do it. All.

SnuggyBuggy · 17/09/2020 15:21

Your DH should be doing this rather than you.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 17/09/2020 15:27

i am also a fan of let the DH do it.

But just to play devils advocate could it possibly be because she is craving some attention and you are the only one lovely enough to help and have chats? You have said non of her other kids do anything and her husband didn't even come home when she was hospitalised.

Definitely get DH involved more.

CalmdownJanet · 17/09/2020 15:32

Your husband thinks you are making a mountain out of a molehill Shock Tell him to fuck himself, you are collecting his mothers shit and running around like a blue are fly after HIS MOTHER and he has the cheek to say that!! I wouldn't lift a finger anymore. I'd say
"Mil I am happy to do the odd bit for you but I am on maternity so really I have other things I want to do so in future if you need something it will need to be only if you can't do it yourself and once you've asked all three of your own kids first which I think is fair enough to be honest, I'll be back to work soon and won't be doing anything so it's best you rely on them and not me"

Sidewinder30 · 17/09/2020 15:32

You know that YANBU. Do you need advice on how not to be the family doormat? I feel for you - you were only trying to be nice. Tell MIL that you are busy. Say no. Keep repeating no. Suggest she call her children for assistance. Wish her all the very best, much love, cut off the call.

Nottherealslimshady · 17/09/2020 15:32

I don’t know why it has come to be that I am the one that seems to be responsible for providing the majority of that help

Because you say yes. Just say no.

Mary46 · 17/09/2020 15:33

Yes I would get her son more involved. Photos could be done online. I found with my mam 1 errand became 10 errands. I cut back. Just be careful. You have your baby routine too

Anydreamwilldo12 · 17/09/2020 15:34

Hilarious your husband thinks you're making a mountain out of a molehill. What a cheeky bastard he is.
She is taking the piss, let her own children do her running around. Learn to say no on repeat

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 17/09/2020 15:37

My husband thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill!
Tell your husband to take responsibility for doing these things.

ThePawtriarchy · 17/09/2020 15:39

You could send her a message saying ‘DH has said he’d like to help you out with these things, as your son, to give me time to spend with the baby before my maternity leave ends’

MyOwnSummer · 17/09/2020 15:40

I think it sounds like she is lonely, and there is clearly something going on with her husband who didn't even come back when she was really ill. Is it worth having an honest talk with her to try and understand what's driving this?

Ultimately you are not being unreasonable to say no to requests if you can't or don't want to. But if you like this woman, might be worth trying to understand her a little better and in turn, understand you more too. She may not realise that she is being a pain.

Your H's attitude is crap, btw.

WetdreamBeliever · 17/09/2020 15:40

The stool sample! That's taking the piss (well almost).

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/09/2020 15:43

Your husband needs to step up. When he realises it’s a very high fucking molehill he can discuss divvying up her support needs with his siblings.

This is your time to concentrate on you and your baby. Put your foot down.

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness · 17/09/2020 15:48

@Tarantallegra

My husband thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill!

He can bloody do it all then can't he?

This, a thousand times this.
MartiniDry · 17/09/2020 15:48

Not your mum, not your problem.

Practice some magic words:
"I'll ask DH to call you about it when he gets in".

"I'll pass you over to DH... DH, your mum wants you to sort out getting her bracelet soldered".

"I'll ask DH to collect your dry cleaning and drop it off to you one day this week".

The more you allow it to happen the more she and your CF DH will put upon you.

MotherofTerriers · 17/09/2020 15:48

If you don't want a confrontation, next time she asks you to do something say something like "Ok, but I'm very busy at them moment, try your children X Y and Z and if none of them can help I'll try to do it but it won't be before the end of next week"
I suspect she's asking you because you can be relied on to do things

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2020 15:52

Grow a backbone and tell your husband he will now be sorting all this bullshit out with his siblings because you are done with it.

Absolutely refuse to be taken for a mug.