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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - demanding MIL

72 replies

Groveparkmama · 17/09/2020 14:46

My mother in law is driving me mad and I don’t know whether I am being unreasonable to be so annoyed / frustrated. I had a baby at the start of March just before lockdown started. From the start of lockdown until a few weeks ago I was having to sort out her weekly shop, until I finally managed to convince her to get her own Ocado account. At the start of August she had to go into hospital for a few days and then it transpired that she contracted C Diff in hospital so is now on antibiotics. She has not left the house in over a month and now keeps asking me to do chores for her including, most recently, to collect a stool sample and then take it to the GP for her. She also asks me to do things like order photos to be printed, when I know full well that she knows how to use the internet and order things online - every time we see her she has bought something online for the baby.

My husband is one of three. His sister lives a 10 minute drive away. She has a 16 month old and works 3 days a week. The brother is single and lives a 15 minute walk away from his mum. My father in law works in Glasgow Monday - Friday, but hasn’t been home to London since mid-March, not even when his wife was hospitalised (there is something weird going on there).

I understand that my MIL needs help, but I don’t know why it has come to be that I am the one that seems to be responsible for providing the majority of that help. I think she feels that I am on maternity leave so am “free” to help. Usually when someone has a new baby family step in to help them, but I have felt like I am looking after my baby as well as my MIL. Individually the tasks that she asks me to do are quite small, but collectively it all adds up to quite a lot of work and I also feel like some of her requests are unnecessary, like asking me to buy and deliver bottled water to her (Ocado won’t deliver bottled water). Why can’t she just use her Brita filter?!

This is turned into a bit of a rant, but I am interested to know whether people think my frustration is justified. My husband thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill!

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 17/09/2020 15:52

YANBU but why not just start turning down the most unnecessary or inconvenient requests for help, and ask your dh to cover at least half the others? How she fills the gap once you've withdrawn your services is not really your concern.

Lockdownseperation · 17/09/2020 15:52

@Tarantallegra

My husband thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill!

He can bloody do it all then can't he?

This!

I would do the essentials which she can’t if DH physically can’t do them eg the stool sample, but not online shopping.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/09/2020 16:00

A very useful phrase here is “Oh by the way - your mum called- she wants you to....”

Bright and breezy. No big deal. His mum needs help so he needs to help her. Just a molehill after all.....

1978vintage · 17/09/2020 16:01

Would your husband be running around after your mum?

This is a Ridiculous situation to be in. I'd just back away bluntly, i don't think it sounds like there's any halfway house here. you're going to regret wasting so much time and energy on your MIL when you need to focus on yourself and your new baby.

i honestly cannot believe that your DH wouldn't support you on this - HE is the bigger problem here, not MIL.

Noshowlomo · 17/09/2020 16:06

Just say NO. nope nope nope. Don't even have to give a reason, just "no, I can't do that for you"

RelaisBlu · 17/09/2020 16:07

How old is your MIL OP?

Sunnydaysstillhere · 17/09/2020 16:08

Whenever mil texts you simply forward the message to HER ds...

WaterOffADucksCrack · 17/09/2020 16:09

My husband thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill! If he thinks it's so easy he can do it. Can you share the parental leave so you go back at 4 or 6 months and he can see what it's like? Your careers will be more equally impacted too.

SunbathingDragon · 17/09/2020 16:10

My husband thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill!

Pass every single message and request from your MIL to him to carry out. Every single time.

ittakes2 · 17/09/2020 16:10

Amazon also delivers bottled water.

frazzledasarock · 17/09/2020 16:12

I’ve always noticed in these scenarios the (male) partner is happy to outsource his responsibilities to his partner who is already run ragged, with a breezy it’s no big deal etc.

Do as other PP have said, tell your MIL I’ve forwarded to your son. And do so, saying oh your mums asked you to.... etc

Don’t do anything for her, don’t be available. She’s got three kids of her own she’ll sort it out for herself.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 17/09/2020 16:23

Sorry I've just seen your baby arrived in March I thought it was August.

Sh05 · 17/09/2020 16:24

Set up a Wattsapp group on your dhs phone for his mother, siblings and himself then leave them to it.
If it's you making a mountain out of molehill let the three of them deal with the molehill!

pooopypants · 17/09/2020 16:26

I'm sure he thinks you're "making a mountain out of a molehill" because he isn't the one collecting shit samples for his mother

Back off - next time she asks you to do something, reply with "I'll forward your message to DS and he'll get back to you". Then do it. Or just say "sorry, I'm not free". Rinse and repeat.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 17/09/2020 16:35

Just say no. Stop answering your phone to her. Tell your Dh he can sort her out since he thinks it's not a big deal.

Original poster
Groveparkmama · 17/09/2020 16:35

Thanks all. To be fair to DH, he does a lot more for his mum than either of his siblings (or his dad for that matter). When her fridge / freezer broke about a month ago it was my DH who went to empty everything out, get rid of defrosted food and install the new fridge. The bigger issue is that my MIL seems to contact me as a first port of call and, because I am trying to be nice, I do help her out. I probably need to grow a backbone and say no more often! I do want to maintain a good relationship with her, although we are not particularly close.

Fundamentally, I think my MIL is lonely and knows that I am currently someone who is around during the day. She is 71 years old, but not a fit 71, and has had quite a few health issues over the past few years. She seems to have given up a bit and now basically relies on other people to sort things out for her. Ultimately, I don’t think she is going to get vastly better and so I feel that my husband’s family need to make sure she has a proper support network in place. However, they all seem to be slightly in denial about this and I feel like I need to be careful about how I approach the topic without coming across as the mean daughter in law.

OP posts:
Sonders · 17/09/2020 16:42

It really lovely that you're trying to be nice - but that's not how your MIL sees it. Think of when a friend is being nice to you - you are probably appreciative, thank them, and then refrain for asking anything else for a while as they've given you a lot.

Instead, MIL is clearly expecting this level of service from you as standard. So really, you're not being nice - you're being a bit of a walkover (in a very lovely way). These are no longer favours, they're chores that are not even appreciated.

I think your DH needs to have a word with his mum that she should text him first - and a word with the siblings to pick up the slack.

And you need to say no. Maybe start by saying you'll help her for an hour a week, and if she asks for anything in between, reply with "Sounds lovely - we can add this to the list for Friday, see you then XX"

TenDays · 17/09/2020 16:52

Step back. Let your DH take over, and if it's too much he can recruit the siblings. Your baby and your health come first.

I agree that MiL probably thinks maternity leave means you're free to wait on her.

Whether she is asking so much of you because she thinks you have unlimited time, or she wants attention, or her own kids won't help out, it's not on. She is THEIR mother, not yours.

I've had several mothers-in-law and been good to them all; but I didn't do as much for them as you're doing, at least when my own children were young.

Beautiful3 · 17/09/2020 16:56

My parents are the same. I ignore everything apart from medical and food. If it's not important, I say I'll do it another time...and dont do it.

Peachy1381 · 17/09/2020 17:00

You need to step back. And either have a word with your husband, firmly this time, or if he keeps insisting its not a big deal start avoiding/declining/saying a straight up no to the things you can't do.

2bazookas · 17/09/2020 17:04

Tell her children that it's too much for you, so they need to either share the load between the 3 of them , or organise and pay for a home help/carer while she recuperates.

tara66 · 17/09/2020 17:05

One can send stool samples through the post. One can buy stamps from Amazon.

Fairymad · 17/09/2020 17:11

Ignoring the fact your dh should be doing this, I would not be going near a cdiff positive person if I had a baby, does she realise just how very very contagious that is

2bazookas · 17/09/2020 17:11

As MIL uses you as the first port of call, you need to have a selection of excuses ready why you can't help/leave the house today so she will need to phone one of her children /

" The baby is really grizzly today so I can't come."
" I'm having a big cooking day for the freezer, can't leave it"
"My friend is coming to lunch"
"I'm expecting a service engineer/delivery".

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/09/2020 17:22

If its a molehill pass all the requests onto your husband and stop doing anything for her.

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