AIBU - demanding MIL

[Groveparkmama]

My mother in law is driving me mad and I don’t know whether I am being unreasonable to be so annoyed / frustrated. I had a baby at the start of March just before lockdown started. From the start of lockdown until a few weeks ago I was having to sort out her weekly shop, until I finally managed to convince her to get her own Ocado account. At the start of August she had to go into hospital for a few days and then it transpired that she contracted C Diff in hospital so is now on antibiotics. She has not left the house in over a month and now keeps asking me to do chores for her including, most recently, to collect a stool sample and then take it to the GP for her. She also asks me to do things like order photos to be printed, when I know full well that she knows how to use the internet and order things online - every time we see her she has bought something online for the baby.

My husband is one of three. His sister lives a 10 minute drive away. She has a 16 month old and works 3 days a week. The brother is single and lives a 15 minute walk away from his mum. My father in law works in Glasgow Monday - Friday, but hasn’t been home to London since mid-March, not even when his wife was hospitalised (there is something weird going on there).

I understand that my MIL needs help, but I don’t know why it has come to be that I am the one that seems to be responsible for providing the majority of that help. I think she feels that I am on maternity leave so am “free” to help. Usually when someone has a new baby family step in to help them, but I have felt like I am looking after my baby as well as my MIL. Individually the tasks that she asks me to do are quite small, but collectively it all adds up to quite a lot of work and I also feel like some of her requests are unnecessary, like asking me to buy and deliver bottled water to her (Ocado won’t deliver bottled water). Why can’t she just use her Brita filter?!

This is turned into a bit of a rant, but I am interested to know whether people think my frustration is justified. My husband thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill!

I'd be declining and unavailable, sorry. It sounds like you have an inch and they took a mile. I helped my mil quite a bit and when my H, her son, nearly died she couldn't even be bothered to visit him in hospital. From that point on I was less helpful. Don't respond to messages for days at a time, don't answer the phone. Just don't do it, she'll have to sort herself out in the end.

The thing is you are setting the way for being her carer in time imo. All the siblings will keep back with no guilt at all.
Step aside now for your own good. And mil's.. It surely should be her family wiping her bum....

My husband thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill!
Of course he does. It's HIS mother. Try making yourself a lot less available. Mobile Phone on mute? House phone, if you have one, to answerphone? Out taking fresh air with your baby? Or just taking a nap??

Take some of your time with your very new baby back OP. It seems you are just being left to get on with it and your kindness is being taken for granted.

BTW I made the mistake of being so helpful to my own DM that she almost "forgot" how to do things she'd always done. I've now also pulled back a bit and she's regained some of her own physical and, more importantly, her mental energy.

Good luck! 🌹

Oh dear - she is 71, not well and you cannot foresee things improving? It you dont start to withdraw a little from this scenario, the siblings are neatly setting you up to become MIL’s carer and she could live into her 90’s!

When she rings, I would have a selection of excuses at the ready “oh I can’t today because the baby is not well/I have to do X/this needs seeing to. Please ask DH/siblings name”.

I would then be setting up a meeting with all the siblings, telling them to pull their bloody fingers out and sort out THEIR mother between THEM as you will be going back to work soon and things are not going to improve. Cheeky bastards they are - when your dh says its a molehill, ask him if he would ferry YOUR mother’s shit around or order crap off the web when she is perfectly able to do it herself? I think we all know what the answer would be!!

Hang on, you mentioned your DH's dad – are they still together? I assumed from your post that she was on her own, hence all the support she needs. If she's got a husband and he's not helping, even more reason for you feel absolutely no guilt in saying no!

Yes, MIL has a husband. He works in Glasgow Monday - Friday and then usually comes back to London for the weekend. FIL has now been in Glasgow since mid-March. Initially this was due to lockdown. Now apparently it is too difficult for him to commute due to Covid and because he sometimes gets called into the office last minute. I find it unbelievable that FIL did not come to London even with his wife bring hospitalised then recuperating. I feel there is much more going on there, but no one seems to speak about it. The most discussion there has been was my brother in law saying that he did not think his parents would live together again, but that they would not separate / divorce.

FIL has a new partner.

Are you happy to be her main carer? Because that is where you are heading.

She sounds "old" for her age. She's not suddenly going to get a PT job, a new set of friends and take up Salsa dancing. She is relying on you more and more. Think back a few months, and consider how your list of oh so reasonable little duties has grown, probably with you hardly noticing - drip, drip, drip....

It sounds like FIL has left her, and everyone is in denial. You need to have a proper conversation about this as a family. You WILL be the one who takes on her day to day care unless you stand up for yourself. I've seen it time and again in families, including my own.

You would imagine that in any family with several siblings, caring would be equally shared, with more possibly being done by the person who is nearest/has less responsibilities. Wrong! It often falls on the person who is kinder, sees what need doing, and does it, and the others are more than happy to let them.

Maybe produce a spread sheet op with all the siblings on it....
'Caring for your own dm' spreadsheet...

What is she expecting you to do when you return to employment?

OP - you sound lovely, I completely understand why you are annoyed and your MiL is very lucky to have you as a DiL.

Could you set up a WhatsApp group with your husband, his siblings & their partners, and your MiL (although might be easier without her). Include nice things like baby photos on it and general chat, but basically use it to pass on messages about what your MiL needs. Mixture of spreading the load but also showing the others what you’ve been taking on the last 6+ months.

Just advise her that she needs to get your husband to do the things she wants as you are not available

The new each and everytime she contacts say, sorry I.m busy, contact whatever your dh is called

Then see if it’s still a mountain out of a molehill

Yes she will have to contact the others. Sorry am busy phone x. Op be careful my mam had us plagued I had to ignore my mobile as I could be on call all week. Have my own family. She might do nothing if she knows it be done for her

Time to slow roll the MIL. If you can't make yourself say a straight out no to her, do her tasks with great absentminded terribleness. If she wants seltzer water, get her tonic water. Bring it late. Forget details. Don't answer her texts in a timely manner. Tell her your husband will have to drop it off. Etc.

OP,

FIL has indeed abandoned ship and her 3 children are setting you up to be the dim witted patsy that gets dumped with being her carer.

You are a kind woman who has had a child with a right twat of a man.

His "molehill" remark would mean that i would down tools and tell MIL that you will pass on th message, don't answer the phobe, tell him to get on with sorting HIS mother out.

He's a selfish twat to dump this on you but there is a family of them at it.

You are making an absolute skivvy of yourself.

His family, he sorts it with HIS siblings.
The bloody cheek of him and them.

We teach people how to treat us OP.

You're not making a mountain out of a molehile, afterall all you want is for people to see how wonderful and kind you are. Having a young baby and taking care of the house and making sure your MIL's every whim is answered to is just exhausting but you wonder if, oh dear, you are just a bit 'aibu' for holding it all together.

There is nothing that says you should be doing this, there is nothing stopping you saying 'no'. You are choosing to do this and then are wanting appreciation from your DH who doesn't give it so you moan and then told you are 'making a moutain out of molehill'. Just stop, just say no, it's really very very simple, if of course you want to.

My husband thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill!

He can bloody do it all then can't he?

Absolutely. Since it's just a mole hill, it will give him no trouble at all.

Can you invent a conversation with your HV where she has specifically directed you not to take on extra tasks at the moment as you need to focus all your energy on the baby?

Leaving aside the fact you should be focusing mainly on your new baby (you wont get this precious time back) I actually dont think you are doing your MIL any favours by doing things she is perfectly capable of doing. Its important for her own welbeing that she remains as self sufficient as posdible or she will age and become less capable more quickly if she doesnt make the effort. Suggest this to your husband as it is he who should deal with getting this across to your MIL. Not doing you or her any favours i think. Good luck

Given your updates, it's hard not to feel sorry for your MIL. She has effectively been abandoned by her DH - (I also believe he has someone else in Glasgow) yet noone seems to be talking about it. You say she is not in good health and was hospitalised, this along side the fact that Covid has made a lot of older/elderly people feel very vulnerable. My 85 year old mother completely lost her confidence to go out on her own since March.

It must be frustrating that she is tasking you with all her errands. I agree with the above posters that your DH is very cheeky - dismissing your time and effort as making a mountain out of a molehill.

I would say he needs to get the other children together to discuss what will happen in the future. You all need to know what is happening with the father. Is he ever returning? Will they divorce? Will the family home be divided? Sweeping it under the carpet is not an option. Tell them you will down all tools and not help unless a plan is made. Outsource what you can - cleaner/gardener/washing service etc. Maybe rally some of her friends, extended family members to pop in or call. (I know it's difficult at the moment with the 6 rule but it won't be forever). It should not be down to you. You will help with the food order, daughter closer can do other shopping and errands, single son can do hospital GP runs. Your DH can do the practical stuff. When you have all agreed what you will do - you must learn to say MIL - son 1 is doing that for you. Your daughter is taking care of that for you. She must learn to call the other not just you.

Maybe set up loose rota to make sure she has a phone call every day from one of them as her calls could be down to loneliness. Putting all this into motion now will stop you becoming the main carer and the other siblings chorusing 'Well should have said something' after you've put in 15 years of beck and call and are weary and resentful.

Good luck OP.

Stop being a people pleaser. She’s using you as first point of contact because you keep saying yes. You’ll look back on your maternity leave as doing chores for her. Tell her no occasionally.

I thought this thread was myself writing!!

I feel your pain op! I fell out with my MIL for 6mths because she literally wouldn’t call the socorora to come and see her, called me to call them instead! Well that was it, I did lose it with her after doing everything and I mean everything.
Years I’ve put up with it and I just snapped.
Well Then lockdown happened and I felt guilty, so started interaction again and helping her out when she really needed it. However, this has crept back up to everyday and calling at crazy o clock. I’ve had enough again, just called my DH and told him I’m not dealing with her anymore. She needs help professionally and we’ve done all we can.
In my instance, my DH works away all week so I am literally her only port of call, which is why I put up with it for so long.
But I have a massive house renovation, 4 children, work and everything else life throws at us that I don’t hVe the energy anymore for her.
I’ve literally only seen my own parents twice in 6mths!!! I feel guilty with that.
Just be strong, what you’ve done for her is fantastic, but it’s not right it should all be on you.
Say no I can’t help you with that. Block her???? I did that with my MIL. Although that may not be the wisest move.
You’ve got a lovely new baby to concentrate on, enjoy your family and don’t be burdened with her laziness and attention seeking. She is 3 children to call should she need to.

OP,

Also take note of how your MIL has been abandoned by her husband, YOUR husband and his siblings and happily dumped on you with your new baby.

Your husband is modeling his father, suiting himself.

You need to find your outrage.

How dare your husband put himself ahead of your new baby and your time off.

He is showing you exactly who he and his family are.