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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

19 year old DD 3 hours late home from work

91 replies

Lauraa7 · 17/09/2020 13:08

Live in Melbourne and we are in lockdown, daughter drives herself to and from work each day and that’s it. Today she was due to finish at 4pm. 5pm still not home and I think maybe she worked late. 6pm I text to ask where she is and check for car crashes in traffic. At 7pm she calls me to say she went to visit a friend, which she shouldnt have done and risked a $1650 fine. She always lets me know what she is up to, not at my request but she just does. AIBU ato think she could have sent me a quick text so I didn’t worry.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lauraa7 · 17/09/2020 22:04

Thanks so much for the comments everyone, I really appreciate them all. It was just so different from her normal routine of calling me when she is on her way home from work to check what’s for dinner. I always sort the food and I just assumed she would give me the courtesy of letting me know.
She was in the wrong as she went out of our 5km limit for travel, and she has been saving so she would have been paying the fine had she got one.
My husband reminded me that I moved out of home at 18! It was just so out of the norm for her, and three hours late too. I just said next time if you can let me know for dinner I’d appreciate it. Thanks for the feedback everyone 😊

OP posts:

seayork2020 · 17/09/2020 23:57

I am mid 40's and have been with DH 21 years and have not lived at home since I was 21 and have a teenage son, when we go away for the weekend I still text my mum to let her know we got their safely and when we get home.

So consideration is nice regardless of age overall (not saying this about the OP)

Pixxie7 · 18/09/2020 00:32

I think it is common courtesy to inform someone you live with that you are going to be late. However regarding her visiting a friend she is an adult so her responsibility.

BinkyandBunty · 18/09/2020 00:51

If your daughter is her friend's nominated 'bubble' person she is allowed to visit, and the 5km rule doesn't apply.

Generally speaking I only think you should expect a text at that hour of the day if she normally has dinner with you and is letting you know not to cater for her.

melj1213 · 18/09/2020 01:21

Yanbu - regardless of what other people did or do at 19 the OPs DD usually messages her after work. On this occasion she didnt so of course the OP is going to worry as the behaviour is out of the ordinary.

OP in future, maybe just ask that since her routine is to text/call after work, if she isnt going to be home for dinner/is going to be out late then she should drop you a message to keep you informed so you dont worry. Even just a "Meeting friends, dont worry about me for dinner" means you know that her not coming home is intentional and not to worry.

My parents rule was always "we dont need to know the details of who/what/where/when/why you are out, but we do need to know when to expect you back and/or any significant change to your normal routine". So if I normally came straight home from work, any time I didn't I'd text just to say "I'm out with friends, dont worry about dinner, I'll be back by 10pm"

Terrace58 · 18/09/2020 03:13

Adults who live in a family unit inform one another about deviations in schedule. It’s just polite so the other family members don’t worry.

As for violating lockdown, this would not be taken lightly in our house, to the point of having a conversation about whether or not she could continue to live on the house, but we have an immunocompromised member.

Cadent · 18/09/2020 06:38

Adults who live in a family unit inform one another about deviations in schedule.

Not all adults, and especially not at 4pm.

eaglejulesk · 18/09/2020 06:55

This isn't about asking for permission, it's just about letting someone know so they don't worry. It's basic courtesy to text if you know someone is expecting you. She may be young, but she should know this.

This. If someone living at home goes to work and comes back at the same time every night, especially in a lockdown, and they suddenly do something different of course those at home are going to worry - nothing to do with her age. A quick text takes seconds, and stops the worrying.

eaglejulesk · 18/09/2020 06:58

It's madness. If she's expected home at 9pm or 10pm and is planning to stop out, yes a courtesy text would be expected, but at 4pm an adult can do what they like unless they've specifically said they'll come straight home for some reason.

Did you miss the part where Melbourne is in lockdown? She shouldn't have been going anywhere other than work.

BinkyandBunty · 18/09/2020 07:05

@eaglejulesk where did you hear that?

In the Melbourne I live in, we can meet a friend outdoors for up to 2 hours a day, we can visit an intimate partner, or if single can nominate a bubble buddy to visit us at home. We can also visit people in their homes to provide care.

Cadent · 18/09/2020 07:16

@BinkyandBunty thanks for added info, all of things are why a 19yo may not want to come home at 4pm.

OP, it was a bit of a drip feed, but yes, she should let you know if she’s going to be late to dinner. Apart from that, loosen the apron strings a bit.

IdblowJonSnow · 18/09/2020 07:22

If my DH came home 3 hourslate from work without explanation I'd be worried sick! And hes in his 40s!
It's not an age thing, it's just a courtesy thing if someone shares a home with you and you normally eat together!

Mittens030869 · 18/09/2020 07:25

I think your reaction was a bit OTT, but YANBU to be annoyed with her for breaking lockdown rules and risking being fined. If she is fined, don’t pay it for her.

eaglejulesk · 18/09/2020 20:50

But that doesn't apply to the OP's DD apparently. She wasn't going to provide care for someone, she didn't visit an intimate partner, and the OP said she risked a fine by visiting the friend, so presumably it wasn't under the single person rule. I was assuming that the OP knows the rules, which led to my comment.

LouiseNW · 19/09/2020 09:07

Porcupineinwaiting

@Graciebobcat well that's weird and controlling”

Alternatively, courtesy.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 19/09/2020 13:42

I don't think age is relevant. I moved out at 16 but it's completely different. If I stay someone elses home be it my mum, dad, sister, friend etc and I've told them a time I'll be home I will message them to let them know I'll be earlier/later than they expect.
To me that is basic manners and common courtesy especially if there is a meal or something planned. DP works for the ambulance service and I've never asked him to let me know if he's late. But he just sends "stuck with a patient. Save me some food please/I'll get food so don't worry about making me any". I do the same as I run a care home. Takes maybe 10 seconds and warrants no reply.

Plus parents will always worry about their children!

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