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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help with an abusive father to be

75 replies

Fel1991 · 17/09/2020 12:39

Hello. This is long so I do apologise, but I’m in desperate need of some advice as I feel I’m just at a loss for what to do.

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with my first child and me and then baby’s father are not together.

During our relationship he was emotionally and physically abusive towards me on several occasions, which is why I left the relationship but then found out I was pregnant.

During my pregnancy he hasn’t been emotionally, physically or financially supportive, even claiming he wasn’t the dad at points and didn’t want to be the dad. Fair enough. He then goes on to change his mind thinking we can have the ‘perfect family’ and he tries winning me back, but I stood firm and wouldn’t go for it. He became extremely manipulative, often claiming he had/would hurt himself when I didn’t give him the responses he wanted me too.

I’ve not once tried to exclude him from being a father, but there have been numerous times I’ve questioned whether his intentions were genuine.

He then moves onto another relationship and somewhat forgets about his child for a couple of months, but now this has ended he’s insisting he be involved.

I’ve forgiven him time after time and allowed him back in to be a father and nothing more, and each time he goes and does something ridiculous that screws it up, I’ve forgotten how many times I’ve forgiven him in the past 8 months.

He’s violent and aggressive and is currently undergoing a court case which will determine his fate after a 3rd ABH charge, and it’s just come to my attention that he has been racist towards his unborn daughter to his ex girlfriend, friends and sister, all of which he has admitted too. He’s also claimed that the easiest way out for him would be it I died during labour or I had a miscarriage/still born. How can he say this when to me he still demands to be involved?

I feel like this is my last straw with allowing his behaviour to carry on. He’s impacted my pregnancy so negatively and I don’t want it to have a negative impact on my child. I’ve done everything for her up until now and I’m so excited for her to be here, but the issue I have is I do not trust him with her. How could I trust someone who wished their own daughter dead?

I’ve told him I don’t want him to be involved for the reasons I’ve explained but I just don’t know what to do.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Settleandcalm · 17/09/2020 12:45

Shouldn’t say this but in your situation I would be very very tempted to either “confess” he wasn’t the father or do a bunk and start again somewhere else in the country.

Probably not though.

In reality he’s doing it to control you, he has no interest in the child. He actually has zero reason to be in contact with you at all at the moment, the baby isn’t here.

So I would block all contact and wait until he fights you through the courts for access.

My guess is he won’t, he will fuck off to the next victim.

Mumoftwo1994 · 17/09/2020 12:48

@Fel1991

Hello. This is long so I do apologise, but I’m in desperate need of some advice as I feel I’m just at a loss for what to do.

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with my first child and me and then baby’s father are not together.

During our relationship he was emotionally and physically abusive towards me on several occasions, which is why I left the relationship but then found out I was pregnant.

During my pregnancy he hasn’t been emotionally, physically or financially supportive, even claiming he wasn’t the dad at points and didn’t want to be the dad. Fair enough. He then goes on to change his mind thinking we can have the ‘perfect family’ and he tries winning me back, but I stood firm and wouldn’t go for it. He became extremely manipulative, often claiming he had/would hurt himself when I didn’t give him the responses he wanted me too.

I’ve not once tried to exclude him from being a father, but there have been numerous times I’ve questioned whether his intentions were genuine.

He then moves onto another relationship and somewhat forgets about his child for a couple of months, but now this has ended he’s insisting he be involved.

I’ve forgiven him time after time and allowed him back in to be a father and nothing more, and each time he goes and does something ridiculous that screws it up, I’ve forgotten how many times I’ve forgiven him in the past 8 months.

He’s violent and aggressive and is currently undergoing a court case which will determine his fate after a 3rd ABH charge, and it’s just come to my attention that he has been racist towards his unborn daughter to his ex girlfriend, friends and sister, all of which he has admitted too. He’s also claimed that the easiest way out for him would be it I died during labour or I had a miscarriage/still born. How can he say this when to me he still demands to be involved?

I feel like this is my last straw with allowing his behaviour to carry on. He’s impacted my pregnancy so negatively and I don’t want it to have a negative impact on my child. I’ve done everything for her up until now and I’m so excited for her to be here, but the issue I have is I do not trust him with her. How could I trust someone who wished their own daughter dead?

I’ve told him I don’t want him to be involved for the reasons I’ve explained but I just don’t know what to do.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

I don't know costs etc but perhaps go through the courts for supervised access with him, or if he truly is awful maybe try to move and block contact so he knows nothing. Then when your child is old enough you can explain and they can find him if they choose to.

I wish you the best of luck x

FortniteBoysMum · 17/09/2020 12:51

Firstly DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE this gives him same rights as you in an instant. I would make him earn it. He should show regular commitment and financial support then if he continues to prove he is consistent add him on. It does not affect your ability to contact child maintenance service if his not registered as the father. Let him show you he is going to commit to his child and not be a flakey piece of shit when the next girlfriend or better offer (to looking after his child) comes up.

Porcupineinwaiting · 17/09/2020 12:52

I've not once tried to exclude him from being a father

WHY THE HELL NOT?

OP you have conceived a child by a violent, aggressive, abusive man. You've decided to keep the child so now you owe it a duty of care. Your job is to keep your baby safe, why on earth are you working to put an abuser in its life?

I mean this kindly but your lack of judgement is worrying here, suggesting he's really got into your head. Sad Never mind forgiving him. Never mind hoping he'll somehow manage to change his spots and become a decent human being and father. Get away from him.

formerbabe · 17/09/2020 12:56

Like a pp said, absolutely do not put him on the birth certificate. He can, I think, apply to the courts to be added to it, but hopefully another hurdle for him to jump through will put him off. I'd go for the absolute minimum contact possible personally

MobLife · 17/09/2020 12:58

OP you don't need to go through the courts....he does!
Step away entirely-you will be the resident and primary parent, and you are taking the right steps in safeguarding your child from the risk of domestic violence
If he gets in contact saying he wants to see the baby then suggest he gets a solicitor, and stand firm on that. Do not engage further.
If he turns up at your place, call the police
If he harasses you via phone or social media, call the police
Do. Not. Engage

Bunnymumy · 17/09/2020 13:03

In your shoes I'd tell him that the baby wasnt his and then move far away and not tell him ir anyone who would tell him, where I was.

But if not possible...
Dont put his name on the birth certificate!

Also, you are talking as if he is the father when the kid isn't even born yet. You're letting this violent man continue to come near you? Why? He isnt even a dad yet. Stop putting yourself at risk!

And when the child is born, I hope you have the sense to keep him at arms length then too - ideally, from both of you. He isnt father material. Monsters never are.

ChickensMightFly · 17/09/2020 13:05

This man will pollute the existence of you and your baby for a long time if you continue this dance with him.
He is who he is and you will never have peace of mind when your child is with him.
Work to surely protect your child and keep him out as much as you can. All the stakes are about to get higher as your baby is a brand new clean slate and there is everything to play for.
Keep him off the birth certificate and stop entertaining the idea that he can be a positive father figure.
Sometimes, sadly, no father is better than a violent abusive father.

Somethingsnappy · 17/09/2020 13:06

You are trying so hard to be fair to him, when he absolutely does not deserve it. Now's the time to put you and your child first. And as a pp said, do not put him on the birth certificate!!

OlympicProcrastinator · 17/09/2020 13:11

This man will pollute the existence of you and your baby for a long time if you continue this dance with him.

This. I’m all for contact usually but there are times, (and this is one of them) whereby you will be doing your child a massive dis service and causing a life of misery and irreversible damage if you allow this goon to wreck his or her early years.

You have a duty of care. By all means, keep contact details so when your child is 18 they can find out who their father is for themselves but for gods sake, use better judgment and protect your baby from this.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 17/09/2020 13:13

Not going to lie id probably say he isn't the father and that I had taken a DNA test with someone else and it had come out as positive. If asked for proof you can even buy them online. Then I would never have anything to do with him again

Fruitbowlflowers · 17/09/2020 13:15

Do not put him on the birth certificate- now is the time to think what positive impact can having this man in your child’s life bring?
I would be tempted to move away and allow him to prove how much he wanted to be involved. I think you may find he just doesn’t care and won’t make an effort.

combatbarbie · 17/09/2020 13:17

The one thing you can and you must do is NOT put him on birth certificate!!

Heffalooomia · 17/09/2020 13:21

I feel you are in a certain amount of FOH to his abusive behaviour, your lack of judgement is worrying.
Take it from us this man is a lost cause, you need to get as far away from him as you can, you must not and you should not ever ever trust him.

Heffalooomia · 17/09/2020 13:22

FOG
Fear obligation guilt

Topseyt · 17/09/2020 13:24

You absolutely SHOULD be excluding him from being a father to your baby! Without any shadow of a doubt.

Why on earth would you want this abusive arsewipe to have a relationship with your child? You and your child would NOT be safe with him around.

I wouldn’t name him on the birth certificate and I would be wanting some sort of an order put in place to stop him coming anywhere near you.

There should be no contact between him and the baby. Not even supervised.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2020 13:26

Do not give the baby his name and do not put him on the birth certificate. You should block him completely and do not communicate with him about anything. If he takes you to court, let him, but I seriously doubt he will. He won't be arsed to spend the money and get a solicitor, and he certainly won't want to pay maintenance which he will have to do If he goes to court for visitation.

Cut him completely out of your life.

Topseyt · 17/09/2020 13:30

I feel like this is my last straw with allowing his behaviour to carry on. He’s impacted my pregnancy so negatively and I don’t want it to have a negative impact on my child. I’ve done everything for her up until now and I’m so excited for her to be here, but the issue I have is I do not trust him with her. How could I trust someone who wished their own daughter dead?

You’ve actually answered your own question with this. You cannot trust him at all and you MUST keep him out. Completely.

MeridianB · 17/09/2020 13:37

Do everything you can to distance and protect yourself and your child from this man.

He has Repeatedly shown you who he is. Get away from him. Don’t put him on the birth certificate. Don’t share information with him. He is controlling, not caring and you have nothing to gain from being involved with him.

Shelby2010 · 17/09/2020 13:42

As others have said, don’t put him on the birth certificate or give the baby his surname.

I would also be open with your midwife about his abusive behaviour. Start laying the groundwork in case he does attempt to get access.

Will you need to claim child support from him?

TenDays · 17/09/2020 13:44

Your duty and responsibility now are to your child, not your relationship with your ex. The child comes first. That's how parenthood works.

The ex is violent, racist, abusive etc and is no role model to a child. He will never change and will use your child to control and abuse you.
Your children will grow up seeing you afraid.

This is an emergency. We have to do unusual things in such times, like lying and even running away.

I'd take the excellent advice already given, i.e. to cut him out of your life, not allow his name on the birth certificate (pretend he's not the father of necessary) and if possible move away.

At any rate, do not continue your relationship with him. Your forgiveness looks to him like weakness and submission and he will continue to abuse you.

Source - have had similar relationships and should have learned the first time!
The second one almost beat his own child out of me at 5 months.
Men like this never change.

ZarasHouse · 17/09/2020 13:49

I just don't know what to do

I think you do. And if you don't already, you will. When that gift of a child, that miraculous human being is placed in your arms, you will get to decide whether to give him/her to an unpredictable, abusive, violent man who wants him/her dead, or to hold your baby close and keep your baby safe. The decision you make will be on whether to be a parent or not.

MomToTwoBabas · 17/09/2020 13:53

Oh wow. Baby will be best without a dad like that OP.

tara66 · 17/09/2020 13:54

Do not put him on birth certificate. Can you move to another town?

TheTrollFairy · 17/09/2020 13:59

I wouldn’t be allowing him any involvement in your child’s life, especially with the racial resentment he appears to have against your child.
Are you planning on giving the baby your surname? As others have said, if contact is to happen when the baby is born then you’ll have to push for supervised visits as he has got history for violence.

Cut all contact with him, he doesn’t get to have any involvement whilst you are still pregnant and then when the baby is born, it’ll be down to him to sort the court arrangements not you

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