Help with an abusive father to be

[Fel1991]

Hello. This is long so I do apologise, but I’m in desperate need of some advice as I feel I’m just at a loss for what to do.

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with my first child and me and then baby’s father are not together.

During our relationship he was emotionally and physically abusive towards me on several occasions, which is why I left the relationship but then found out I was pregnant.

During my pregnancy he hasn’t been emotionally, physically or financially supportive, even claiming he wasn’t the dad at points and didn’t want to be the dad. Fair enough. He then goes on to change his mind thinking we can have the ‘perfect family’ and he tries winning me back, but I stood firm and wouldn’t go for it. He became extremely manipulative, often claiming he had/would hurt himself when I didn’t give him the responses he wanted me too.

I’ve not once tried to exclude him from being a father, but there have been numerous times I’ve questioned whether his intentions were genuine.

He then moves onto another relationship and somewhat forgets about his child for a couple of months, but now this has ended he’s insisting he be involved.

I’ve forgiven him time after time and allowed him back in to be a father and nothing more, and each time he goes and does something ridiculous that screws it up, I’ve forgotten how many times I’ve forgiven him in the past 8 months.

He’s violent and aggressive and is currently undergoing a court case which will determine his fate after a 3rd ABH charge, and it’s just come to my attention that he has been racist towards his unborn daughter to his ex girlfriend, friends and sister, all of which he has admitted too. He’s also claimed that the easiest way out for him would be it I died during labour or I had a miscarriage/still born. How can he say this when to me he still demands to be involved?

I feel like this is my last straw with allowing his behaviour to carry on. He’s impacted my pregnancy so negatively and I don’t want it to have a negative impact on my child. I’ve done everything for her up until now and I’m so excited for her to be here, but the issue I have is I do not trust him with her. How could I trust someone who wished their own daughter dead?

I’ve told him I don’t want him to be involved for the reasons I’ve explained but I just don’t know what to do.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

as they’ve done nothing wrong, and his mum especially has been really supportive
I'd still be wary, he likely see's his mother as a soft touch and he'll be able to work on her....

I think you’re probably right when you say that his mum would side with him - she didn’t believe all the things he’d said until he admitted them to her.

To be honest, I have enough support around me already that I really don’t need any of them for anything.

So my next route is to speak with a solicitor and get some advice on a no contact order? Does anyone know how lenient courts usually are? I’m worried that he’s going to try to take me to court and somehow win some rights to visitation with her, but I’m desperate for him not too. I don’t trust him, even supervised.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate - you don’t need to. Don’t let him attend the birth - don’t tell him when you’re in labour.

Don’t let him have access - he can take you to court but hopefully won’t get far.

Please don’t let your child spend time alone with an abuser.

Well done for leaving. Do not go back.

Not putting him on the birth certificate is only a short term barrier. He can apply to the court for parental responsibility and that will put him in the same position. The best barrier is physical distance. The more space you put between you, the harder it is for him to have contact and build a relationship. It is possible to persuade courts that very violent men shouldn’t have context but there are many abusive men who are granted contact.

The reason his mum is being supportive towards you OP is because she is 'working' for her son, she wants you to trust her so that you will hand the baby over and then she'll be able to let her son have contact

Keep a detailed log of everything he does and keep all evidence....you may have to build a case against him in future

@Heffalooomia

The reason his mum is being supportive towards you OP is because she is 'working' for her son, she wants you to trust her so that you will hand the baby over and then she'll be able to let her son have contact

^^ this

Unless I've missed something there's nothing to say his mum will definitely go behind OPs back to allow him to have access. The woman may be fully aware of how abusive her son is and wish to side with the OP in order to support her and have a relationship with her grandchild. I agree it needs to be considered and risk assessed but you shouldn't automatically exclude the grandmother because of the actions of her son imo. She may be a strong allie going forward.

I know this may not be a popular opinion but I would consider surrounding yourself with professional support - does your midwife know the full story? If so, she should have considered referring you to social services due to the risk of harm to the baby. If this hasnt happened it might well happen later down the line if it becomes apparent that you aren't able to protect her. You need to prepare for this eventuality and start keeping a clear record of what he is doing to abuse, manipulate and undermine you and what you are doing to protect you both. Social workers will expect you to have a high level of professional support if it gets to this stage. You could consider calling social services yourself to ask for early help and advice?

I agree with PP though that the easiest abd most effective way to manage this long term would be to move to a different town and cut all ties, leave no trace. Only give your new location to people you strongly trust (and definitely not his mother for now, that may come later).

Best of luck.

Well if you don't admit it's his child or put him on the birth certificate then how can he demand visitation? Unless theres some way the court can mandate a DNA test for him once she is born? (Dunno if they can do that?) I'd just tell them he is an ex, harassing the shit out of you and you need a non molestation order.

Unfortunately as he already knows you want him to leave you alone (and that will make him cling on tighter) you'd have to act the shit out of 'it's not yours'. Not sure he will believe you atm.

Following your update I would keep baby's brith a secret until after you have registered her birth. That way he can't manipulate you when you're vulnerable into giving baby his name/double barrell or putting him on the birth certificate.

There is no guarantee that he won't get himself added to baby's BC in the future - he would have to go to court to do this. However this is no reason to include him now - he may well lose interest.

I agree with PP that you should tell your midwife about this. You need a trail with professionals to show this man is abusive.

Also, see a solicitor about a non molestation order. Even if you can't move permanently, do you have any family members or friends living in a different part of the country who you could stay with to put distance between you and this man? Could you stay long enough to give birth there to make it harder for him to know when baby is born?

Finally I would cut his mother and other relatives out. You will never be able to fully trust them not to give him access to your daughter. Also they could apply pressure to you after the birth to let him see baby or put him on the BC. You don't need that.

Surround yourself by good friends and family and make sure they are on board with your plans I.e. that they're not to announce the birth on social media/to his family etc.

I am a lone parent - split during pregnancy. Please listen to all the advice here. Give the baby your surname and cease all contact with him and his family. Including his mother - her loyalty is to her son, not you or your child.
You won’t be working on maternity leave so go and stay in another part of the country near supportive friends And family who can help build up your self esteem. Rent out/sub let your home to fund this.
Ask your midwife to refer you to the freedom project and engage with them. You may be able to receive some help yourself.
Do not let your abuser know your child’s name or date of birth. If you can give birth elsewhere in the country do so, the distance will make it harder for your ex to contact you if he doesn’t know where you are.
He is not interested in your child - he wants to abuse you. Your baby is just collateral damage

I’m going to try a local family solicitor today and see what advice they can give me. I’ve already kept a log of everything he’s done, screenshotted relevant messages and recorded a few phone calls from him so I have the evidence needed.

I think I made a mistake when he claimed to not be the father by insisting he was, I even told him I’d do a DNA test to prove it to him - so I think the idea of now telling him he’s not the father is a bit overdue.

I do have family in another part of the country who I could see it I could stay with for a few months, at least I know there won’t be any unexpected visits. Despite me telling him to not come anywhere near us, I wouldn’t put it past him to just turn up at my house. Last night I ordered some outdoor CCTV which allows me to see who’s coming in and out of our gate and who’s at the door, so I could just keep it locked when I’m inside?

The last time I spoke to him I said I wouldn’t cut his family out but they also wouldn’t be spending time with her alone and that I would be there. Do you think this is a bad idea? Even if we made arrangements to see them at my place where I feel comfortable? Or do I just cut them all out altogether?

Why are you even engaging with him/his family? Block all of them. If you want send them a final message first stating that due to his unreasonable behaviour you are cutting all contact. Then don't engage with any of them again.
If he or his family turn up at your house tell them you are calling the police and then do it if they don't leave.
Stop tryi g to reason with unreasonable people it doesn't work.

The last time I spoke to him I said I wouldn’t cut his family out but they also wouldn’t be spending time with her alone and that I would be there. Do you think this is a bad idea? Even if we made arrangements to see them at my place where I feel comfortable? Or do I just cut them all out altogether?
You are not accountable to him, you do not need to explain yourself to him or explain anything to him, give him as little information as possible.
Don't make any promises, don't make any commitments.
Everytime you explain yourself to him you are deferring to him and he will feel as if he can take control and get you to do what he wants.

Tbh I'd cut them out altogether. Easier to do that now than before they get attached. Besides, do you really want them in your home? And as pp has said, the likelihood is that they will try to convince you or trick you into letting him see the child.

You say she didnt believe all the bad things he said about you until he told her. That's quite telling. Basically he felt comfortable enough to tell her what a dark hearted fucker he is and for her just to accept it. Which she has, if she is still in contact with him. Tells you all you need to know really, she is under his control.

Defo go stay with fam elsewhere. Maybe you can get benefits ect there and then save up to rent nearby. Instead of coming back once the baby is born.

I would suggest that you create a log of everything that has happened, and add to it as and when. You should say to him that he can have access to his child, but it will need to go through the courts. Hopefully, he will be awarded supervised access only.

You absolutely have to keep your child safe, and by going through the courts you should be sure of financial help, too, without having to leave your child in his sole care at any point.

Should anything happen during these visits in front of the child, report it.

He sounds like a horrible, horrible man, so make sure you have as much evidence of this as possible. Of course, physical violence or harassment should be reported to the police.

OP, please consider that there is probably some element of trauma bonding between you and this man.
Your impulses to defer to him and co-operate with him stem from this trauma bonding, recognise these impulses for what they are
they are there because he has tried to train you to obey him.

It's the equivalent of imprisoning a baby before it's even born, you're limiting and harming the future for both of you. It's unlikely he'll want to be on the birth certificate, particularly if he is in work.
Walk away.

@Fel1991

I’m going to try a local family solicitor today and see what advice they can give me. I’ve already kept a log of everything he’s done, screenshotted relevant messages and recorded a few phone calls from him so I have the evidence needed.

I think I made a mistake when he claimed to not be the father by insisting he was, I even told him I’d do a DNA test to prove it to him - so I think the idea of now telling him he’s not the father is a bit overdue.

I do have family in another part of the country who I could see it I could stay with for a few months, at least I know there won’t be any unexpected visits. Despite me telling him to not come anywhere near us, I wouldn’t put it past him to just turn up at my house. Last night I ordered some outdoor CCTV which allows me to see who’s coming in and out of our gate and who’s at the door, so I could just keep it locked when I’m inside?

The last time I spoke to him I said I wouldn’t cut his family out but they also wouldn’t be spending time with her alone and that I would be there. Do you think this is a bad idea? Even if we made arrangements to see them at my place where I feel comfortable? Or do I just cut them all out altogether?

You shouldn't be making any promises about who the baby will it won't have contact with. Not even if you intend to always be present.

If you take the baby to visit his parents you will open yourself up to contact with him again. What is the betting that he would make sure he was at their house when you planned to be there with the baby? He would then play Disney Dad, try to worm his way back in again and would be a continuous threat to you and the child.

My BIL was abusive to his wife and this was the reason that my MIL lost contact with her granddaughter with them. His wife divorced him and fled with their baby daughter, got her life back on track etc. But contact with MIL meant contact with him, even though he wasn't always present. MIL relayed everything to him and he was able to track them down, necessitating more money being spent on solicitors etc. MIL simply couldn't keep her mouth shut on it. You risk that too.

Stop making promises of any sort. Cut them all out or you will never be out of his clutches.

I have also known another family friend who was in an abusive relationship and had a baby. She eventually got a final warning from Social Services that if she didn't break off all contact with the abusive father and his side of the family her child would be taken into care.

Don't continue down that route. It really isn't worth it. Grandparents do not have any legal rights to contact anyway.

Cut everyone out for now. If in time you think they have the child’s best interests at heart then you can alter arrangements. If it is all about them and their wants, theyd be coming nowhere near.

You should be able to get a restraining order (they are called non molestation orders now) against him. I would contact your local DV organisation and also tell your midwife that he is not to be allowed in the hospital.

I do have family in another part of the country who I could see it I could stay with for a few months, at least I know there won’t be any unexpected visits.

Absolutely do this. It's the cheapest and most effective way to deal with this. The family court and police respond to incidents and not very usefully but do not prevent them. An ounce of prevention is worth 18 years and £10s of thousands of cure. Move whilst there is still time - before baby is born and resident where you are for family court purposes.

The last time I spoke to him I said I wouldn’t cut his family out but they also wouldn’t be spending time with her alone and that I would be there. Do you think this is a bad idea? Even if we made arrangements to see them at my place where I feel comfortable? Or do I just cut them all out altogether?

Cut them out. He's their guy and their loyalty is to him. If this becomes a custody issue, they will work for him.

A solicitor will not tell you to move away and not put him on the birth certificate. They’re not allowed to. But those are your best options. Don’t be naive, OP.

Op, I would seriously run and never tell him where I was.
Don’t tell him when baby is here, don’t put him on birth certificate and give baby your name.