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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help with an abusive father to be

75 replies

Fel1991 · 17/09/2020 12:39

Hello. This is long so I do apologise, but I’m in desperate need of some advice as I feel I’m just at a loss for what to do.

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with my first child and me and then baby’s father are not together.

During our relationship he was emotionally and physically abusive towards me on several occasions, which is why I left the relationship but then found out I was pregnant.

During my pregnancy he hasn’t been emotionally, physically or financially supportive, even claiming he wasn’t the dad at points and didn’t want to be the dad. Fair enough. He then goes on to change his mind thinking we can have the ‘perfect family’ and he tries winning me back, but I stood firm and wouldn’t go for it. He became extremely manipulative, often claiming he had/would hurt himself when I didn’t give him the responses he wanted me too.

I’ve not once tried to exclude him from being a father, but there have been numerous times I’ve questioned whether his intentions were genuine.

He then moves onto another relationship and somewhat forgets about his child for a couple of months, but now this has ended he’s insisting he be involved.

I’ve forgiven him time after time and allowed him back in to be a father and nothing more, and each time he goes and does something ridiculous that screws it up, I’ve forgotten how many times I’ve forgiven him in the past 8 months.

He’s violent and aggressive and is currently undergoing a court case which will determine his fate after a 3rd ABH charge, and it’s just come to my attention that he has been racist towards his unborn daughter to his ex girlfriend, friends and sister, all of which he has admitted too. He’s also claimed that the easiest way out for him would be it I died during labour or I had a miscarriage/still born. How can he say this when to me he still demands to be involved?

I feel like this is my last straw with allowing his behaviour to carry on. He’s impacted my pregnancy so negatively and I don’t want it to have a negative impact on my child. I’ve done everything for her up until now and I’m so excited for her to be here, but the issue I have is I do not trust him with her. How could I trust someone who wished their own daughter dead?

I’ve told him I don’t want him to be involved for the reasons I’ve explained but I just don’t know what to do.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

HOkieCOkie · 17/09/2020 14:05

Do not put this man on the birth certificate, Can you get court ordered supervised access? So he’s seeing her but not alone with her?

2bazookas · 17/09/2020 14:19

If you've got half a grain of sense, separate him from the baby right now.

Stop identifying him as the father of your baby ( on social media, in texts, socially etc). When the baby is born , go alone to register the birth so you can leave "Father" blank.

Regularsizedrudy · 17/09/2020 14:28

Do not put him in the birth certificate. Cut all contact. He is not fit to be in contact. If he wants it he can go through the courts. (He won’t - or of be does it will only be to cause you grief)

TicTac80 · 17/09/2020 14:30

Oh wow, my advice would be....run, run like f*ck. Don't let this "man" have anything to do with your baby. Block him, end contact. Oh and diarise ALL his behaviour over past few months, keep any of the abusive messages/texts etc the he may have sent you. Don't keep referring to him as the father (particularly on SM).

Don't put him on the birth cert. Don't even tell him that you've gone into labour and had the baby (and don't let anyone you know tell him). Don't tell him when you're registering the birth (he needs to be there to have his name put on the birth certificate - please please don't allow it). If his name goes on the birth certificate, he will get Parental Responsibility (i.e. the SAME parental rights as you have). Please don't give him this.

Wishing you all the very best xx

Graphista · 17/09/2020 14:40

I think you’ve been foolish to even try and engage with him.

This is not someone who will be a good father.

Better for you and the child to have nothing more to do with him, in your position I wouldn’t even attempt to pursue child maintenance (that’ll get me flamed) because you’re unlikely to get it anyway, even if they award it I can’t see him paying regularly, and it could trigger him to pursue a paternity test which will lock you to him for your child’s life and your child.

He’s unlikely to make the effort of a true commitment to this child and even if he did he sounds a very poor and potentially abusive “role model”

Don’t tell him when you’re in labour/having section, don’t put him on the birth certificate and don’t give the child his surname.

Frankly you’d both be better off cutting all ties.

I mean this kindly but your lack of judgement is worrying here

I would agree

As the child of an abusive father myself I would strongly say no father is better than an abusive one

FeedMeSantiago · 17/09/2020 15:21

Give the baby your surname.

Don't let him attend the birth. You don't have to tell him the baby is born straight away. You can register the birth first if you think he will apply pressure to give baby his name or to attend and be named as the father

I would keep your baby well away from him.

TheTrollFairy · 17/09/2020 19:00

As the child of an abusive father myself I would strongly say no father is better than an abusive one

I would second this

CSIblonde · 17/09/2020 19:13

He's not going to change. People have default patterns of behaviour, the template is set & hardwired in childhood. You need to put yourself & your child first. The reeling you back in every time you assert yourself is classic abuser control tactics as is threatening to hurt himself. Your child's emotional development will be massively harmed by seeing you in an abusive relationship. It will set their template for what they think is normal in adult life. And the pattern of being with abusive partners will repeat. I'd limit any contact your child has as much as possible .

Felifox · 17/09/2020 19:37

I believe dcs should know their fathers but there are exceptions of which this is one. There are clear indications of abuse so don't tell him where you are having the baby, or when she's born. Make sure the hospital knows not to give him information about you due to abuse. Don't put him on the birth certificate. Block him on your phone and social media.

Are you able to manage financially once the baby is born or will you need to claim benefits. Get advice from a local Women's Aid centre about claiming benefits without your ex being involved. His history should hopefully protect you.

BeenHereForAges · 17/09/2020 19:54

Cant agree more with all of the above comments OP. The decisions you make now will determine whether this awful man is in both your lives for the next 18 years. That's years of letting her down, controlling you, pushing other girlfriends onto your daughter the second he meets someone, interfering with any decisions you make and most importantly of all the possibility that one day he might use that violent streak against your daughter. It's happened before OP. In your shoes I would also be "confessing" that this baby isn't his, apologising for any confusion and moving on (preferably to a new area) with my life and creating a wonderful one for your little girl. Good luck to you.

LuaDipa · 17/09/2020 20:00

Tell him he was right all along and the baby isn’t his.

MitziK · 17/09/2020 20:23

He’s also claimed that the easiest way out for him would be it I died during labour or I had a miscarriage/still born.

How would you feel about

a) Moving now. As far away as you can and not telling him.
b) Texting him 'You got your wish. Wasn't yours anyhow'. And then blocking him. ?

PicsInRed · 17/09/2020 20:47

In a similar position, the father has ruined my life and now abuses our child also. The family court (and the authorities) do nothing about it. The family court almost never stops contact and it routinely allows men to use the family court to continue to control, abuse and terrorise women.

It I had a time machine I'd have moved abroad before the birth. I wish to God I had. Do with that what you will.

Jokie · 17/09/2020 20:56

Id be getting as far away as possible from this man. He doesn't deserve you or the baby.

If be going to a solicitor to get a non contact order and make sure that you do not put his name anywhere near that birth certificate

Sanpro · 17/09/2020 21:09

I came here to also say do not put him in the birth certificate!!!

It will give him rights to which he is really not entitled.

Do not do it to appease him.

Do not allow him to convince you.

Do not listen to any bullshit he may spout about changing, stepping up, creating a family etc.

Do. Not. Do. It.

Look after yourself and your baby. He is a violent criminal and your baby does not need that in their life.

Sanpro · 17/09/2020 21:16

@Fel1991 I’ve just reread your post. I’m going to be harsh, in the hope that it may make you act and listen to what everyone is saying.

If you allow this absolute cunt of a man to be in your baby’s life then you will have totally and utterly failed her... do not do that. Your job as her mother is to protect her. Protect her and protect yourself.

Gingerkittykat · 17/09/2020 21:17

Cut contact for the rest of the pregnancy, let him know when the baby is born and if you choose to allow him to have contact then do it in a controlled way. Is there anyone like his parents who can supervise?

Once the baby is here only communicate with issues to do with her, don't engage in any other conversation with him.

If he makes suicide threats call 111 and ask them to do a welfare check but otherwise disengage.

Heffalooomia · 17/09/2020 21:20

are you still here op?

Whatisthisfuckery · 17/09/2020 21:30

OP, google DV Assist, call them and ask them to help you get a non-mol. Do as PPs have said and DO NOT under any circumstances put him on the birth certificate. You’ll be setting yourself up for 18 years of absolute hell if you do.

Original poster

Fel1991 · 17/09/2020 21:38

I’m still here everyone, thank you for all the advice! It’s been a lot to take in.

I’m not in a position where I can move, especially with everything surrounding COVID at the moment, although that seems like the best way out.

I will not be putting him on the birth certificate nor will she have his last night, ever since the last conversation I had with him, I made that decision on my own. I told him he doesn’t deserve either of us and anymore chances. He’s asked if I’d be telling him when I went into labour and to that I just responded ‘I don’t know.’

I’ve told him I want him out of our lives and I want nothing from him, I don’t even want to pursue child maintenance, but I can’t help but feel he’s going to try and do whatever it takes to get involved. He knows where I live so he could easily show up once she’s here. I’ve told him and his parents that I don’t want to deny them having access to their grandchild as they’ve done nothing wrong, and his mum especially has been really supportive. His response to this was ‘well don’t you think I’d see the baby if they were going to see her?’

I will do everything I can to protect her. She’s my biggest priority. I will not let him anywhere near her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fel1991 · 17/09/2020 21:39

@Fel1991

I’m still here everyone, thank you for all the advice! It’s been a lot to take in.

I’m not in a position where I can move, especially with everything surrounding COVID at the moment, although that seems like the best way out.

I will do everything I can to protect her. She’s my biggest priority. I will not let him anywhere near her.

Sorry, ‘his last name’

OP posts:

JulesCobb · 17/09/2020 21:49

Baby isnt even here yet and youre compromising with an abusive man and his family who will be loyal to him.

Can you absolutely not move at all, even in the short term?

Onceuponatimethen · 17/09/2020 21:52

Op you should consult a solicitor and see if you can obtain a non molestation order against him. This will prevent him having contact with you

Sanpro · 17/09/2020 22:42

His mum’s loyalty is with her repulsive son, not you. You let them see her and he’ll have direct access.

Think about his violent, abusive and racist past and think about whether that’s a risk (read: certainty) you’re willing to take...

Sanpro · 17/09/2020 22:42

Cut them all out.

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