To think I'm really dull

[Xmarksthespott]

I've got a couple of good friends.

Left school. Worked in retail and pharmacy. Declined the wild nights out usually because I didn't really get into that scene. Loved bottles of wine with a friend. Meals out with friends. Shopping with friends. Cinema etc.

Had boyfriends from being 16-present. Some were 2 years or below in how long we lasted. Now I'm long term.

My parents never took me on holiday. I started having holidays in the south coast with my partner and kids 4 years ago. So I feel like I can say I actually do go away now at least. I've been to Scotland, Blackpool, Dorset, center parcs etc. We was going to Norfolk this year but for obvious reasons we didn't.

I've never done drugs. Not a bad thing. But I've never even had weed. I've had sex outside and kissed a couple of strangers when I did go to pubs/clubs occasionally. I've not had one night stands. I've had short flings for a couple of months. I did snog my best friends brother one night. But that's about it.

I've hung around in carparks and things ten years ago when I dabbled in the chav car/chav boy era. But all I got from that was a cheat with glasses and a receding hairline.

Anyway to the point. I've now got a lovely family. But I feel like I've not done so many things in comparison to others.

Here's my official list.

I never learned to drive. Well I did. But when the instructor failed me on my 3rd test for going at 55 in a 60 I was defeated. I got anxiety about ever stepping foot in that test center again. My dad's frustrated response to my 18 year old ears knocked me further. "You may aswel pack it up now" So I did. He has always said he wished he had appealed that last test because it was a country road and 55mph is a decent speed. But there ya go.

I've never been abroad. Parents hated planes and boats. I've since been on ferrys and I have done holidays in the UK and weekends in London. We only went touring though. I would love to say we went to the theatre and for afternoon tea in Harrods. But we sat in Hyde park with a hotdog and enjoyed walking around the rich parts and seeing people park Ferraris up on the side of the road.

I've been invited to so many weddings. But always decline. Because I'm always invited to the weddings of people I don't really know and I get all uncomfortable about wearing a dress and mingling in. These are usually my partner's work colleagues or random friends from his unidays. Or cousin's that I haven't spoken to in 20 years. If it was family and friends I mixed with i obviously go.

I never got my kids christened. I don't believe in God etc. But for most it's about the party etc.

My partner doesn't want to get married and I'm not bothered about it either. So we won't ever get married.

I have a very small circle of mum friends. But I see people from the school days still meeting up in big groups and having wild weekends/BBQs etc. Their kids now mix in with their friends kids. They still seem very outgoing and energetic. We can't get family to babysit so we have had to let the social life go to shit whilst the kids are going. Which means we are Billy no Mates. Accept for when I meet my mum friends at the park. But that's not for me is it?

I wear makeup. I do my hair. I like to look nice. But I don't get my nails or anything done because income doesn't allow. I feel even this makes me dull.

Overall I feel a really uninteresting person who didn't have the confidence to be wild when I was younger. Now older me is sad that younger me didn't have the tools to get out there and be more confident.

I love talking to people. I did have parents who were useless at providing us with experience or confidence. My mum has sat in the house the last 35 years. Never witnessed her being encouraging.

Determined to make sure my kids get out there more.

Do I sound really boring. Be gentle with me! I am feeling abit meh about things.

You appear to be living a perfectly normal life. Many other people could have written large parts of your post. Some of your post is martyrish - you feel dull because you can't get your nails done? Because you have never seem weed, but did have sex in a carpark?
If you want to do more interesting things, do them.

I'm in my 40s and learning to drive again. Can't say it's making me a more exciting person, tbf.

I think you could make a little project out of this. Make a list of things you've never done that won't break the bank, and tackle them one at a time. Push yourself outside your comfort zone. Have fun with it.

I know that sounds really weird doesn't it. I feel like everyone else has done these things though and I'm like some innocent prude.

I don't know what exciting things I want to do to be honest. I don't have the freedom to go out more. I'd be happy being allowed to the cinema with my partner. But we can't take the kids. .
It just feels everyone else has fun. I suppose it's because they can drive, but my friends do loads of little things in the day because they have a car. I can't afford to drive at the moment but it's on the to do list in the next couple of years. I think that will massively give me freedom to enjoy the kids more too.

Sounds like a nice, normal life. I’ve never done drugs either. I e never had my nails done. Our children come out with us still when they are home. The issue isn’t what you do or don’t do. It’s how you feel about yourself.
If money is tight, you cannot be swanning off on a yacht but you can challenge yourself to do more and surprise yourself and other people.
Would you consider park run, for example? Free, sociable, impresses others when you chat, boosts mood and confidence. Who knows where a walk/jog around the park might lead?
Volunteer doing something that takes you outside your comfort zone and takes your focus off yourself. Cook in a nightshelter, help at a foodbank, become a prison visitor or school governor.
Learn a new skill - might have to be online initially but cake decorating, sewing, French.
Learn to dance with your partner- salsa, Morris, ballroom it doesn’t matter what. Sociable, fun, good exercise.

My make a difference activities we’re learning piano at 40 and outdoor swimming. The swimming brings huge benefits and is free most of the time. Lots of lovely people swim.

I think you are imagining other people's lives to be more exciting than they are.

No one is dull or interesting because of their nails or make up, or whether they can drive or what holidays they had as a child.

I wonder if it would be helpful to find a hobby that you can do while your dp has the dc? I find it easier to make friends when I have an activity in common with someone. Meeting new people and learning new things might fill some of the needs you are expressing. I loved a martial art when I tried it, and there are lots of volunteering options.

No you aren't boring. You just seen a bit down. What's so great about 'wild'? I never did weed,drugs or one night stands. Due to low self esteem I had a couple of beyond dodgy boyfriends in my 20's who were 'wild'. They were best mates with bent Policemen, did a bit of illegally importing cars etc & worse stuff. I couldn't get away quick enough, it felt grubby & sleazy .You can still go abroad if you save up & you can retake your driving test( took me 4 attempts). Wouldn't you be able to have girly wine nights at yours with your friends? If you want to go to the theater there are cheap deals at off peak times (londonboxoffice.com) . And afternoon tea somewhere posh is always on offer dirt cheap on Wowcher. Do a home manicure, kits are dirt cheap ,it's easy & looks just the same. Build in little treats & new things to do & your mood will lift & you'll enjoy your life more.

You are what you think you are. Seriously this is true! There is no strict definition of what is dull or interesting it’s what you think! If you think you are full then as you probably know, it’s up to you to change it. It’s your life! You need to take action, even the smallest action, to slowly change and do things so that you address your feeling of dullness and become proud of your life.

You sound perfectly nice and normal to me, I've never done drugs or had wild nights out - even at Uni no one even offered me drugs so I didn't have to 'refuse'. And in Mumsnet when people talk about 'smelling weed' I have no idea what they mean so I really must be a prude.

My career is retail, hardly exciting but I am passionate about offering great customer service and sales for my shop are always high so I take great pride in that and I have a couple of volunteering projects that I am also passionate about so I get my "life satisfaction and purpose" from that. .

Don't define yourself by what you haven't done!

Make a list of all your good qualities. You must have plenty. Ask your loved ones if you need a prompt.

What do you think would have been better about your life now if you had been a wild teenager?

As long as your happy, that’s all that matters and you seem happy? I mean apart from feeling a bit dull.
Your dad sounds a bit of a harsh man! has this held you back perhaps? your afraid of failure and what others may think of you...

I'm a very boring person. I do love a good night out and a good night in, and can get a bit wild when I drink, but that happens very rarely, especially the nights out, and I'm pregnant now. Apart from that I live a very mundane average life. Honesrly the wild bit in me that comes out when I drink is the bit I could do without.

I second what everyone else is saying but I’d also say you seem to resent your parents and blame them.
I’d say regardless if they were a negative unsupporting influence on your life or not. You do have to take responsibility for yourself.

If you don’t like it then change it. You’re an adult so you’re the only person who can

You sound depressed.

You don't have to have done drugs and slept around to be interesting.

Lots of us can't get childcare so understand perfectly. However you have a partner so why not suggest a Mom's night out. You say you to the park etc are for the kids but presumably you like them at least a little? Suggest (within vivid rules obv) doing something without the kids.
You've had lovely holidays the kids will remember and cherish the memories of, bit of you want to go abroad, save and do it. Even if it's the ferry to Ireland or France.

You don't say if you work or how old the kids are, could it be that you're bored of being a sahm and felt at least more defined by work? Is going back an option?

I never did the crazy drug stiff, I went to uni and got drunk a lot, I had one one night stand I wish I could info, it hasn't made me in any way better or more fun. Everyone's social life is down the own ATM but DH and I cover for each other if we want to go out our do something. No one counts how many hours one does something, but if I want to go out we make it work.

How old are the kids?

Are you happy, OP? Because that is all that matters.

It seems your parents were very discouraging and you've carried that all your life. You can do anything you want to do.

It appears driving is a big bone of contention for you, why don't you take it up again and see how you get on from there?

In response to never going abroad, book a weekend in a winter city this year. Prices are rock bottom and as long as it's not on the quarantine list you're safe to travel.

I don't mean this to sound patronising but would you benefit from a little counselling? Not because you are dull but it comes across that you have a lot of unresolved issues from childhood (don't we all!) and I found it extremely cathartic to talk about.

You sound perfectly normal and from your kids' perspective, I would have done anything to have a Mum like you and a family like yours.

I think you are over thinking stuff here. I drive, went abroad, theatres and trips with my parents.

I did drugs and had 1 night stands, had some pretty wild friends and some crazy nights. I am not particularly proud of of a lot of it and if you knew me now, you wouldn't know any of this about me, it doesn't make me interesting.

I like going to restaurants, drinking wine with friends. Hot dogs in the park with my kids sounds great. I have some mum friends (no babysitters either so we do dinner with friends on sunday afternoons or the odd sat night and stick all the kids in front of a movie with popcorn ).

You sound just my type of person and if we met now we would probably be friends. I would probably describe myself as dull too but I like my life, family and friends. I am happy and quite glad my life is not filled with drama

You sound completely normal tbh. I had my first child at nineteen, so any youth or wildness instantly came to an end. But I don’t think I’m dull! I think you sound like you’re stuck in a rut and you’re kind of looking to the past to analyse this and possibly blame your parents and your upbringing. It could be true that your past and upbringing plays a part in how you feel now, but it’s irrelevant now. You can do whatever you like, you are an adult. I’m only just getting ready to take my first driving test now, in my early thirties, and it’s taken me ages to get to this point, but I know how much more freedom and opportunities I will have when I pass. I’m looking forward to that. It took a long time for me to be able to afford it. I’ve also never been abroad, never really go on nights out and much prefer being at home to anything else. People still seem to find me interesting and enjoy spending time with me!

I did do some of the stupid kid stuff you mention, such as taking drugs and partying, and meeting different guys, but it was just stupid kid stuff which has absolutely zero bearing on my life right now.

You should think yourself lucky to have a comfortable, settled life. I certainly do. I would hate the thought of having to do dating now and going out meeting new people all the time. The ‘wild’ stuff might be fun for a very short space of time but really I’d only be going through it all with the intention of finding somebody else I can get to the settling down stage with.

You’ll just get a lot of people who have done similarly saying - well what’s wrong with being dull .
And in a way they’re right.
But as I always tell my lot - this ain’t a dress rehearsal and playing safe won’t make you safe.

If you want to make changes and try new things - and it sounds like you do - then now is the time. Don’t wait for permission. Certainly don’t seek encouragement from a bunch of middle class mums cos you’re never going to get it.

Travelling the world, clubbing and drug taking don’t make you an interesting person. I’m not going to say those things make you dull either, but people who think the places they’ve been and the drugs they’ve taken alone make them interesting are some of the most tedious bores imaginable. What makes people interesting are their own interests, their curiosity about others and their willingness to engage with others not the lives they’ve led.

You sound like lots of people.
Atm, your life is a dizzying social whirl compared to ours 😁

You love talking to people and sitting down with a friend sover a glass of wine.

You sound like a perfect friend to have!
Don't be so hard on yourself, one or two good friends is better than a crowd of socialites.

You’re still young enough to have plenty of holidays abroad or learn to drive.

Start saying yes to wedding invitations. Set yourself a challenge that you will do at least one “exciting” thing within the next 15 months. So that by the end of next year you can say “ I have” fed the big cats at the zoo/been an extra in a movie/posed for some art/ spent a weekend in Paris or taken the family to Disneyland Paris/seen the northern lights or whatever adventure you think will make you more exciting.

You sound very normal, please don’t think that the heavily edited versions of strangers lives that you see on social media are a real indication of how life should be.

You’re using the word “see” a lot. You “see” people doing these things. You “see” people having wild weekends or big BBQs or whatever. So either, you’d be seeing it in person if you were there, which is not the case I guess, or I’d hazard a guess you’re seeing it on social media or Facebook or something? Or even see people just talking about their “wild younger days” in status updates without photos. Yeah, people talk a load of shite on social media. And it makes everything look MUCH more exciting than it is. At most bigger BBQs, people might not know each other that well, so conversation is stilted or they try to get pissed so it’s not stilted or they talk about their kids or work or... that’s it. But social media will always, always, ALWAYS make it look like you’re missing more than you are. They’re going to put up a gorgeous picture that says, “Paris weekend with my besties!” of four ladies. They’re not going to say, “Sharon and Carol are about to rip each other’s throats out over some over the same fight they’ve been having for 10 years and I’m staying buzzed on rosé just deal with it; some fucking weekend, eh?” Yeah, right! I’ve noticed, and really approve, of the fact that a lot of famous people have tried to make the point that Instagram is the very best of their lives and heavily edited, and it’s like that even for non-famous people. Of course, they make one post that says that and then go back to putting up perfect pictures in paradise

So please, PLEASE do not judge your life by what people say they’ve done or show pictures of doing. For every one perfect family vacation picture in Spain, there could have been 20 pictures of toddlers having meltdowns in airports and mothers on the verge of breakdowns. Everything has a flip side.