To think I'm really dull

[Xmarksthespott]

I've got a couple of good friends.

Left school. Worked in retail and pharmacy. Declined the wild nights out usually because I didn't really get into that scene. Loved bottles of wine with a friend. Meals out with friends. Shopping with friends. Cinema etc.

Had boyfriends from being 16-present. Some were 2 years or below in how long we lasted. Now I'm long term.

My parents never took me on holiday. I started having holidays in the south coast with my partner and kids 4 years ago. So I feel like I can say I actually do go away now at least. I've been to Scotland, Blackpool, Dorset, center parcs etc. We was going to Norfolk this year but for obvious reasons we didn't.

I've never done drugs. Not a bad thing. But I've never even had weed. I've had sex outside and kissed a couple of strangers when I did go to pubs/clubs occasionally. I've not had one night stands. I've had short flings for a couple of months. I did snog my best friends brother one night. But that's about it.

I've hung around in carparks and things ten years ago when I dabbled in the chav car/chav boy era. But all I got from that was a cheat with glasses and a receding hairline.

Anyway to the point. I've now got a lovely family. But I feel like I've not done so many things in comparison to others.

Here's my official list.

I never learned to drive. Well I did. But when the instructor failed me on my 3rd test for going at 55 in a 60 I was defeated. I got anxiety about ever stepping foot in that test center again. My dad's frustrated response to my 18 year old ears knocked me further. "You may aswel pack it up now" So I did. He has always said he wished he had appealed that last test because it was a country road and 55mph is a decent speed. But there ya go.

I've never been abroad. Parents hated planes and boats. I've since been on ferrys and I have done holidays in the UK and weekends in London. We only went touring though. I would love to say we went to the theatre and for afternoon tea in Harrods. But we sat in Hyde park with a hotdog and enjoyed walking around the rich parts and seeing people park Ferraris up on the side of the road.

I've been invited to so many weddings. But always decline. Because I'm always invited to the weddings of people I don't really know and I get all uncomfortable about wearing a dress and mingling in. These are usually my partner's work colleagues or random friends from his unidays. Or cousin's that I haven't spoken to in 20 years. If it was family and friends I mixed with i obviously go.

I never got my kids christened. I don't believe in God etc. But for most it's about the party etc.

My partner doesn't want to get married and I'm not bothered about it either. So we won't ever get married.

I have a very small circle of mum friends. But I see people from the school days still meeting up in big groups and having wild weekends/BBQs etc. Their kids now mix in with their friends kids. They still seem very outgoing and energetic. We can't get family to babysit so we have had to let the social life go to shit whilst the kids are going. Which means we are Billy no Mates. Accept for when I meet my mum friends at the park. But that's not for me is it?

I wear makeup. I do my hair. I like to look nice. But I don't get my nails or anything done because income doesn't allow. I feel even this makes me dull.

Overall I feel a really uninteresting person who didn't have the confidence to be wild when I was younger. Now older me is sad that younger me didn't have the tools to get out there and be more confident.

I love talking to people. I did have parents who were useless at providing us with experience or confidence. My mum has sat in the house the last 35 years. Never witnessed her being encouraging.

Determined to make sure my kids get out there more.

Do I sound really boring. Be gentle with me! I am feeling abit meh about things.

You sound normal to me but you also sound dissatisfied. Why don't you just go abroad, or take driving lessons again? Or after Covid PAY for a babysitter and take yourself out to the cinema? Organise your own bbq and invite your mum friends? If you want to do these things then just do them.

Going to other peoples weddings is mostly boring, so I won't advise you on that one,

I have also never done drugs. It’s whats in your head and the kind of conversations over you life that you have that are truly interesting.

I have done what looks like lots of exciting stuff like travel round America in my twenties, by myself. Was in a ticker tape parade in NewYork at a political rally. I am also usually on a church flower arranging team though currently not on due to covid with lots of retired women. Doesn’t sound exciting in the least does it, I’m the youngster in my fifties. Some of the conversations, jokes, discussions, memories are fabulous and memorable.

Somebody once told me that boring people have to do a lot of exciting things to make them interesting. That’s my SIL to a T she has sailed across the Atlantic numerous times, jumped out of planes and done a lot of drugs. She is one of the most boring people I have ever met with barely a thought between her ears.

I met a very elderly chap on a coach about 25 years ago who told me all about his life, I remember him still as he was so good at storytelling. He was genuinely interesting.

I can drive. I'm not wildly exciting though- my idea of a good time, in fact the best time, is curling up in my armchair with a blanket, a green tea, and a book!

Think about what it is you think you're missing out on, what you'd like to see or do, and make little plans.
Not everything has to cost money, just being more outdoorsy with your family or visiting a local free attraction is getting out there and showing your children what there is in the world.

I had one night stands. They were shit and after 2 or 3 awful times I didn't do them again. Awful drunken sex. Also i find it odd that you think people that do / did drugs are 'interesting'. I know a lot of people that do coke and I don't...it often makes them argumentative and paranoid, but I'd never say interesting! Also while I think travel can give people different viewpoints and knowledge, I think travel for the vast majority of people (package beach holiday in Europe, which I am fond of by the way) just makes you relaxed not interesting. Sitting by a pool, beach and drinking for a week doesn't make people interesting. And getting your kids christened for the party if you dont believe in God makes people a hypocrite not interesting!

Getting a taxi occasionally is way cheaper than running a car, could you do this occasionally if there is somewhere you really want to go? Sign up to your local facebook parents site/ mum bloggers to see what's new / what your kids would fancy.
Being interesting, to me, is being passionate about something, having views on things, taking an interest in news, current affairs etc.
It sounds like you've got low self esteem and want to make a lot of small changes to your life but are a bit overwhelmed about where to start?

You sound a bit bored, but you don’t sound boring! What jumps out of your post for me is that you don’t seem to have a clear idea of what you like or what you’d like to do; you cite a lot of examples of things that other people do, or that you think you’re supposed to like to do, but that you’ve never done. So what? There’s nobody more boring than a “me too” type who does things for the sake of them and doesn’t have an original thought.

Here’s an idea. Go into a bookshop (or the library - free!) and have a browse. Find a book on something you see that you think “that’s interesting/I’d like to know about that/ that sounds fun”. And see if you think it is. Whatever - modem art, military history, Paris, tropical diseases. Whatever. You get to page 4 and don’t like it? Take it back. But it’s a great (and cheap, low risk) way to open up your world to something new.

The most dull peool to be around are those on drugs especially coke.

How old are your DC, could you take them to theatre and Hyde park obviously when it's all open!

I didnt pass until my 4th test so try again?
You dont sound dull at all but could you have a mums night out for a break?

And the only thing you should 100 percent do is go abroad, dont let the kids grow up repeating the same pattern, I always go cheap self catering, easy jet flights, never fancy, make breakfast in apartment etc and kids can play on pool and sea, its bliss.

Iv'e done a lot of things that you haven't op and then some but my life is just as 'dull'. These things don't really bring anything to your life and everything is normal in between, they are usually over rated anyway so you aren't really missing anything.

It sounds like driving would give you an opportunity to do more that would make you happy as well as achieving it will be good for your self esteem. Stick that on your main to do list. Parties, drugs etc aren't everyone's cup of tea and that is just fine.

Do you have hobbies and interests that are particular to you? I only ask because I thought I was really dull and boring up until about 5 months ago.

I was a bit wilder when I was younger and did go abroad on holiday and to work. But by 23 I’d moved in with ExH, away from my friends, was struggling for money. We did get married and have beautiful DS but all I did was cook, clean, work. Most of my friendships dropped off. We had moved to ExH’s home town and he had a close circle of friends, but I was commuting quite a distance to work so I couldn’t go out on work’s nights out and didn’t really build proper friendships away from the working environment. Dh was abusive, physicalLy, emotionally and financially. He ridiculed the hobbies I had for myself as a younger woman, he said reading was boring and smashed the camera my dad had bought me when I started being interested in photography. He would constantly tell me it was no surprise that I had no friends.

When I left him, for quite a while I didn’t bother about myself. I kept hold of my job and concentrated on ds. But when things settled I stated to go back to the things I enjoyed to fill my time without ds.

Eventually I started to see I wasn’t boring at all. The things I enjoy are perfectly legitimate. I enjoy a night out or a coffee with friends, I love taking the dog out and taking my new camera along. I still have things I’m working up the courage to try - like an adult dance class, but I’m so much happier with myself.

I’m certainly not suggesting your partner is the problem, but I think for a long time I was looking to fit in and get approval from other people and spent a lot of time comparing my life and feeling quite envious of people on social media with their parties and stuff. But now I’m happier in myself. I’m starting to approve of myself. I’ve done more in two years than I did in the 14 I was with my ex.

I’d think about what you like, what makes you feel good? Come away from social media and try not to compare. What you see on Instagram isn’t the whole truth, just what people want you to see.

You seem stuck in the past and you need a plan for the future.

Why are you still upset about a driving test when you were 18? You have given us all the details of why you failed. Why do you care? Just take more lessons.

Re your dislike of attending weddings and other events where the organisers are friends and colleagues of your partner: why not view them as an opportunity to get to know some different people, rather than as trials where you feel uncomfortable wearing a dress and ‘mingling in’ etc?

Being an interesting person in the company of other people isn’t about trotting out anecdotes about your own life and what you have done. That can be really dull. It’s about finding common ground and encouraging other people to talk.

I agree with previous posters about drugs BTW: there are few people duller than those who have taken them.

None of that stuff from the past matters. People who talk about their school lives are exceptionally dull.

Focus on today. Today, you are a person who is trying to learn to travel - consider going abroad next time, stretch out a bit.

If you want to go the theatre, then go.

Just pick the things you want to do, and do them.

No OP - you do not sound dull.

Don't get hung up on what are other people's show reels on social media.

I think something that covid restrictions has highlighted is how so many people are unable to feel like they are living a meaningful life unless they are out having experiences all the time and putting the photos on social media. It's superficial. It's like there is a universal bucket that everyone must tick off all the same amazing experiences and holidays to be worthy. It's an exhausting, unfulfilling way to live.

Focus on the things that are meaningful and interesting to you. You say you'd like to go to the cinema but family won't babysit. Can you get a babysitter once per month to go to the cinema? You'd only need one for a few hours and could even go on a Sunday afternoon if you can find a student living nearby.

I have friends who have been abroad and are perfectly able to afford to go on holiday abroad, who rarely do, for whatever reason. They enjoy their annual holidays in cornwall or center parcs very much.

Don't believe the Mumsnet hype that it's illegal not to go on 23 long haul holidays a year.

I'm at least as dull as you OP and rather proud of it , a bit like inverse snobbery.

Don't be so hard on yourself Xmarksthespott. Most of us lead very ordinary lives - we don't drive fast cars on a race track or climb Everest, etc etc and have little wish to. We aren't necessarily boring - just steady and unexceptional. Why worry?

People who always crave excitement can be a little tiresome. Take away the passions that make their lives exciting and what would you find underneath? An ordinary person just like you and me.

I've known misfortune but didn't become addicted to drink or drugs. I had money worries but I didn't bet all my money away on the horses. I never ended up living in a cardboard box under the viaduct. Some sad situations but not exceptional, just middling - and I muddle along.

Most of us aren't going to set the world alight and that's fine. Please don't worry OP. Enjoy the ordinariness of your life.

Well you're a great writer and that's very interesting!
I don't know about the travel and driving. They're useful, but lots of very boring people do both. Can you join a writing group, or try bullet journaling?

I think something that covid restrictions has highlighted is how so many people are unable to feel like they are living a meaningful life unless they are out having experiences all the time and putting the photos on social media.*
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How well said. My facebook friends who post the most are certainly the most boring, always trying to hard to get a spotlight. Now with covid they post something from their past everyday. We already saw that, it's nothing new so why ask for the attention again. It's the quieter ones that actually have something interesting to share when you speak to them. At least their lives don't revolve about the last instagram photo.

Your life sounds like many others and perfectly normal to me. I agree with the posters who blame social media, far too much fakery on there making more honest people discontented.

It sounds like it's not the things you haven't done that are holding you back but the sense that you haven't been encouraged to find out what you'd like to do. It all seems a bit passive like you've been told not to take the slightest risk in case it doesn't come off.

Sometimes when you don't know what to change, just change something. Try something different. Doesn't matter what it is. I've joined a singing group, am a member of a running club and have a book club. None of it earth shattering but all help me to get out, meet people and add novelty.

I enjoy those things. Other people might want to be in a pub quiz team, do salsa dancing, volunteer for a charity, do bungee jumping or sailing. The point is, it's about finding what gives you joy.

If you haven't been supported in having options and choices then you will probably hold yourself back through fear or lack of confidence. But just by making little changes you will become more confident and fall in love with life just a little bit more.

Join meet up, get flyers from the library, check out voluntary groups, park run, local adult education, sports centre, mediation groups, whatever, and work out what you like and how you want your life to be.

First of all, let me say this is a brilliant line --

I've hung around in carparks and things ten years ago when I dabbled in the chav car/chav boy era. But all I got from that was a cheat with glasses and a receding hairline

-- and that if I came across you and you said that I would immediately be amused and be prepared to find you interesting.

But also, I've seen several threads like this on Mn recently, and what strikes me every time is that the people posting them (and, in fairness, some of the responses too) is that they have quite a weird, programmatic sense of what would constitute 'interesting', as involving going out drinking/doing drugs, travelling, partying and in other ways being 'outgoing', and having had an involved romantic past.

Don't get me wrong, some people I consider interesting have done some or all of these things, but they don't in themselves constitute 'interestingness.' One of the most interesting, sharp and original people I know is a semi-reclusive novelist who dresses in random beige garments, cuts her own hair, has been with her husband since her teens, is childless by choice, sees very few people and is withdrawn in groups, doesn't do publicity, and when she's working on a novel just goes underground for months -- she has a fascinating mind, is one of the most genuinely independent-minded people I've ever met in my fairly varied life, and seeing her is always a complete pleasure.

The other thing that strikes me from your post is that you're blaming your parents for a lot of things -- for not taking you abroad, for not liking to travel, for not taking you to London things that would have interested you, for not being encouraging about your driving, and now for not babysitting and allowing you a social life etc.

I get it, I do, because my own parents are timid, change-averse people, and they were, just like yours, entirely useless at providing us with confidence or experiences when we were children -- and in the case of mine that included things like letting us join the library, which they believed cost money, going to the local free art gallery and museums etc (ditto), and actively trying to persuade me against university ('not for the likes of us'). We never went on holiday, neither had any interest in the world beyond their own neighbourhood, and the first time I went abroad was when I applied for my own passport aged 17 and went to France as an au pair. I've almost always lived outside my home country since university, and got my parents to get passports to come and visit, and took them places, to show them how striaghtforward and pleasurable other places can be, but the fact is, they don't want to.

What I'm saying is that it sounds as if we had similar upbringings, but I forgive my parents it's not their fault they had and have such limited horizons, and it's probably the same for yours and realised early that if I didn't like the life my parents led, it was down to me to do differently. So I did everything differently.

It's not too late for you to shake off what sounds like a lingering parental influence and model a more varied and challenging life for your children. If that's what you want, of course.

You don't say whether you're actually unhappy with your life as it is?

Op you sound lovely and normal! But why not make plans to do some of those things if you want to? Why not book a trip to London in jan when prices cheaper, go to Harrods etc! You don’t have to spend loads of money to do these things (ignoring Covid etc!).

Are there any things on the 'not done list' that you really want to do? If you really want to do them, then make a plan and work on it. If you don't really want to do any of the others/none of them then don't do them.... we all have our own wants/needs and desires - you work on what you want in life/ignore what others have done or what you think others have done.

PS Social media - not real. Highly edited and made to appear that life is brilliant. Sadly some of the people who have little fulfilment post everything they do on social media.... blow by blow... .
Also pictures are filtered so much so everyone looks so young and beautiful Yesterday a Facebook friend posted pictures of a wedding she attended last year - I didn't recognise the bride, her partner or people in the main wedding photos - some kind of filter to wipe wrinkles/look younger and pictures looked a bit odd..... they all looked about 30 - they are in real life mid 50's and very much look it .... yes I get that people what to look great in pictures/wedding photos/party photos etc but to the point of not looking real...! I digress.... everyone's life is far more interesting than your own...but in reality it may not be

I have days when I feel like this OP. I can drive but don't always have a car. Kids aren't bothered to be fair. DH works 7 days a week and we have 4 kids so most places aren't worth the struggle. But to be honest they just like spending time with me and DH when he is.home. doesn't have to be anything fancy. Ofcourse I would love days out and the cinema etc but for now that's not happening. And is actually very normal! A lot of what people say is either exaggerated, showing off on social media or they are very lucky with help/finances or had less children so they can do these things.

I had a day like yours yesterday. Then I did a drawing competition with the kids and their little laughs brought me back to reality when I realised I could be wishing to be in the cinema in the dark but I'm having this lovely time with my amazing kids. And yes I do think they are amazing

Why don't you get a sitter and go out once a month to cinema or the theatre or a gig? Get some cultural capital in your life
Go to an art gallery

I could have written 80% of your list.
I feel the same, however I did do the wild party scene (sex, drugs, alcohol) and I can assure you it's not left me with happy memories or witty anetdotes. Certainly hasn't made me any less 'dull'.

In fact it's left me with crippling mh issues.
You did good to swerve the partying.