To wonder how many peope come to MN for help and end up feeling worse?

[SimpleComforts]

People post for support with something they're finding difficult. We all know that when a person's struggling it's not really about the physical tasks they're finding hard but about the circumstances in which there having to deal with them, the life that's gone before, their worry for the future, a build up over time etc etc

But there are always people here determined to tell them that they're being wet because they can't cope, single parents have it much harder, what if you were disabled, I've had to do it when I was ill/poor/bereaved, how did people manage in the war etc etc.

I really feel for people , already feeling fragile and looking for support, when they get kicked and told they need to grow up, get a grip, their situation really isn't that bad.

Why do peope feel the need to do it?

I agree. It’s like some commenters go out of their way to be mean and extra blunt.
I guess it’s the internet and many people use the anonymity to be someone they might not be in real life, or to take their frustrations out on others.

I guess it’s the internet and many people use the anonymity to be someone they might not be in real life
Yes this- that they're someone much cleverer, more capable and successful than they truly are so criticizing come lesser mortal enforces this belief.

I love reading Relationship advice its hilarious- -leave now, he’s such a monster, how could you stay with him for so long etc etc.

We all know that when a person's struggling it's not really about the physical tasks they're finding hard but about the circumstances in which there having to deal with them sometimes it IS a non emotional problem and sometimes it does help to know others have managed in even more stressful circumstances. Perhaps it’s a personality thing and some people respond better to one approach and some to another?

It really never used to be like this, I am finding it really depressing how vile some people's comments are- there seems to be such an anger / competitive "my life is worse than you're etc"

People post what they think is the correct advice.

If younthink it's wrong, the solution is at your fingertips - post the advice that you think is better on the thread in question.

I'm not saying thus is you, but MN used to have a persistent 'you're all bitches' troll, who appeared to have an agenda of making those dratted women be nice all the time.

MN is a site where women don't have to conform to that. And it's pretty well known as such. Particularly AIBU (which jumped the shark some time ago)

It's not always wise to encourage the vulnerable to bare their soul online. Anywhere online. Sometimes the best thing for a poster with an issue is signposting them to,somewhere else

I wouldn't say the majority are unhelpful tbh. I've seen some really lovely, useful ,thoughtful advice and empathy for women on here. Examples: The woman leaving her partner today for & other women in similar positions. The women who've posted they're struggling with a newborn & depression etc. The women who have been gaslighted to think the day to day ,drip, drip, drip of manipulation & emotional abuse is normal & have let it anihilate them as a result. It's part of life that there will always be a few people who don't come from a place of empathy & have no constructive advice . As in real life, those comments you disregard .

Agree, I’ve been on this board for sixteen years and it was a nice supportive place back then. There are some deeply unpleasant people on here now.

I agree. There is virtually never a post which doesn’t have at least one snarky, judgmental response.

I think it also has the effect of making posters less truthful. In real life, situations are rarely completely black and white - usually both parties will have done something at least slightly questionable, but on mumsnet a poster has to present themselves as 100% beyond reproach or half of the responses will focus exclusively on what the OP did and not even acknowledge the fault of the other party, even if it’s much worse.

I guess you have to ignore the advice you dont want to hear, that is downright inappropriate, and try and weed out the helpful comments.

If they post in this section probably quite a few.

Of course, there are always good helpful posts too but also always some belittling OP for feeling the way she does.

There will always be the one off new joiner or name changer who just want to be different. Then there’s those who feel the need to be devils advocate. I find the tone in AIBU is usually set on the first page. This is nothing new and MN in the past has been good at stamping these out in the short term but eventually come back round again. It’s a popular site so is always going to be difficult to police.

I find the “it used to be so lovely” an odd vibe. I’ve been posting for nearly two decades and people were saying the same thing then. If you want things to be different “be the change”.

There's loads of outstanding support on here. I find it or try and give it almost every day. I bloody wish MN would get rid of AIBU as it dominates the active board and hides the fantastic quiet warmth going on in pockets all around the site.
I've been on and started support threads for empty nesters, people who have low energy, MH issues, children with SEN issues, partners with autism etc etc. Years of friendly women sharing good advice and kind words. It's still happening all over the site, just not in the in-your-face AIBU threads which people flock to because they are given ridiculous prominence. They're the MN clickbait equivalent of DM's sidebar of shame.

It wasn't better years ago - it was just contained in AIBU and posters in other boards were more likely to make reasoned, supportive posts.

Now the arse holes are everywhere. On relationships they throw out a lazy ltb and then get pissed off when the OP doesn't.

I joined here maybe 12 years ago originally to see just how bad it was in AIBU as it had a really bad reputation on the forum I was on

I don't mean in AIBU, you only post there if you're ready and willing to be told, I mean I the categories that seem to be "supposed" to offer support.

Sometimes the truth is painful but the person needs to hear that. I remember as a student I went to the doctors about something minor and he said to me, 'never mind that, what about your acne?' I was initially hurt by his words but took the prescription and used it. My skin cleared up, what I had thought were just teenage spots was actually bad enough for a GP to prescribe.

Similarly, a woman might post the usual, 'oh, he's pissed in my kitchen and shat on the dog, what are men like' only to hear that far from light-hearted she is actually with an alcoholic. Hurts, but the truth is better than living in a dream world.

Also, nasty comments pile on.

It’s brave to make a nasty comment in a supportive thread, less so when you’re jumping on a bandwagon.

Is there more repeated posts - someone posts berating the OP for bringing things on herself, next poster berates OP for bringing things on herself, next poster......

Almost all of them probably feel worse. Any posts about 'horrible' husbands are always immediately responded with LTB. Sometimes it's appropriate, sometimes not.

I don't know about the comments on relationships posts. My observation is that by the time someone reaches the point of posting a thread online about their relationship, it's frequently very far gone and they should have left ages ago. You get drip feeds that aren't intended as such, but are a sign of how much shit the OP has internalised and normalised, and didn't realise was relevant at first.

I certainly don't deny there can be pile ons, but I think it's often more a case of a poster inspiring the same reaction in lots of people. If we had a response function for posts (eg "agree", "disagree", "like" or some such), we might find that instead of 20 posts all saying the same thing, we'd have just a few but with lots of responses in agreement, which would also serve the purpose of giving an idea of how a post is generally being received.

Lots. Never in a million years would I ask for advice on mn for any situation that requires a thoughtful and intelligent solution.
Mumsnet have created their own monster though by being in thrall of AIBU and the clicks and responses it receives. Creating a binary option of reasonable vs non reasonable is hardly likely to engender a nuanced discussion is it?
There is also a rise (internet wide) of posters whose comments are there only to troll, abuse and stick the boot in wherever they can. Gleeful roaming about the site with no other purpose than being hateful. Mumsnet don’t seem particularly interesting in rooting these type of posters out so long as they just about toe the line with the site rules.
The bottom line I have to keep reminding myself is that they are a business, they want lots of traffic, which online vitriol creates, and care almost nothing for posters sat at home on their phones or computers who are frequently deeply hurt and upset by the responses they get on a parenting website.

I think a lot of the boards on here are really supportive. However, you tend to get responses in specific areas from people with an axe to grind so their advice is very one sided. I always remember a thread from a young mother encouraged to leave the bastard when her baby was little and then massively regretted it a year or so down the line. She looked back and felt she had massively over reacted and that she had thrown away a good marriage because of the insistent 'good' advice on the Relationships board.
There are lovely voices of sense and reason on many threads and many kind posters but I do think it is important to not just rely on anonymous posters on an Internet forum when making life changing decisions.

I think it’s a feature of social media at the moment, perhaps always. It’s overwhelmingly negative, catastrophising and depressing. It’s as though people have forgotten how to be pleasant to one another, behind the safety of a screen. It’s very polarised, no shades of grey.

I was reading a thread on another forum about the seasons and within the first few posts, it turned into doom and gloom. People who post for advice or help may be in a bad place and not thinking in a way they usually would, so to be chastised and castigated will do nothing but make them feel worse.

ScribblyGum is right. The trolls are out in force.