To wonder how many peope come to MN for help and end up feeling worse?

[SimpleComforts]

People post for support with something they're finding difficult. We all know that when a person's struggling it's not really about the physical tasks they're finding hard but about the circumstances in which there having to deal with them, the life that's gone before, their worry for the future, a build up over time etc etc

But there are always people here determined to tell them that they're being wet because they can't cope, single parents have it much harder, what if you were disabled, I've had to do it when I was ill/poor/bereaved, how did people manage in the war etc etc.

I really feel for people , already feeling fragile and looking for support, when they get kicked and told they need to grow up, get a grip, their situation really isn't that bad.

Why do peope feel the need to do it?

The thing about AIBU is, the OP is often blatantly not being unreasonable but some posters will go out of their way to tell her she is. So yeah, arseholes for the sake of it.

I always remember a thread from a young mother encouraged to leave the bastard when her baby was little and then massively regretted it a year or so down the line. She looked back and felt she had massively over reacted and that she had thrown away a good marriage because of the insistent 'good' advice on the Relationships board.

That's very sad, but ultimately she made the decision herself. I don't think you can blame internet strangers for giving advice based on the information she provided, when she asked for their views. It was never their decision.

Much more common are women in clearly abusive relationships who disappear and have no intention of changing their situation (which I understand, abusive relationships are hard to leave). I remember a terrible one about a young woman with a much older husband who wanted her to get pregnant now now now, even though she was loving her career and wanted to establish it first (she was 24 and a teacher, husband was about 40). She eventually told us he would sulk and punish her if she didn't just start having babies now and it wasn't worth the trouble of standing up to him, and she disappeared, probably in more ways than one. Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world...

Most of the boards are supportive. If you are posting to AIBU then I think you don't want supportive advice but are looking for opinions that don't fit with your own.

Sometimes threads do get nasty, I have reported comments if I think they go to far. Reporting and not engaging is a far better response as some nasty posters are writing nonsense for shock value.

Advice and support doesn't always need to be the softly, gently kind. I personally need an occasional kick up the arse to stop the pity party and change my way of looking at issues. The issue with being online is not being able to take the visual cues to tell what kind of mental state the OP is in.

The best ones are 'why did you have kids with this cockwomble?'

Unhelpful. It's not like she can shove said kid back in her fanny is it

TBH, there are some issues raised that do call for a bit of bluntness. I’m assuming the reason people post is to get opinions across a wide and diverse audience. Not all opinions will be good or right, but I guess the poster would need to pick out the posts that they feel are helpful to their situation, and to have the ability to come to the conclusion that sometimes they are being a bit precious, and see it from a different perspective. I often read something starting out thinking it’s a none issue, but then when I read further posts, I find I change my opinion. It’s good to get different opinions on a situation.

@Sparklfairy

The best ones are 'why did you have kids with this cockwomble?'

Unhelpful. It's not like she can shove said kid back in her fanny is it

Or the complete determination of some posters to convince OP that their DP is having an affair.

"DH forgot to get milk from the shop."

"Are you sure he was even at the shop and not with OW??"

@Itisbetter

I find the “it used to be so lovely” an odd vibe. I’ve been posting for nearly two decades and people were saying the same thing then. If you want things to be different “be the change”.

^This I love the poster who said "it's difficult to police". That is part of the appeal. It's like tripadvisor, not everyone leaves a good review but you can decide if the bad ones chime with your own view.

"Are you sure he was even at the shop and not with OW??"

Oh god yes @borntohula Blindly planting that seed of doubt into a stranger for shits and giggles can be SO destructive to relationships. I say that as someone who has been on the receiving end of paranoia by an ex because of 'helpful' suggestions by his friends that I was up to no good

I have been on MN for years under the guise of many usernames. MN used to be MUCH kinder. It has become like Twitter of late, a cesspit of aggression and bitterness. Such a shame. I would have to be desperate to post with a problem nowadays. Which is a pity as a lot of people ARE desperate enough to post, who come looking for sensible, supportive advice and leave feeling worse

Be 'naice'

Its a hard balance to find.

Some people feel.sorry for themselves blaming all their problems on others and are not accepting that some of not all of the issues are their doing.

They come here for validation. If you focus on their fragility, providing support so that it reinforce their view that others are in the wrong and they're not, there's a risk that they will validate it all and make things worse in real life.

At the same time, people who are already in a poor frame of mind risk feeling even more down and depressed.

That's why in many instances, coming to share things on a forum, full of strangers who are in for the drama, is the worse things these posters can do.
.

Agreed, AIBU is especially bad for this.

On a new thread you will often see one or two nice responses and then once someone starts being nasty they all start piling on. It's reminiscent of playground bullying and really isn't nice.

Yanbu. There’s definitely some people who come on keen to shit on people. If I post for advice, I try to mentally filter the replies and don’t engage with the people who are clearly trying to upset me. I do think that’s something people need to learn to do rather than getting themselves more upset by replying to these people. That’s why it irritates me when people say “oh why are you replying to everyone else and not me?” like an OP owes everyone a response, even the nasty people. And I don’t mean people who say something the OP disagrees with, I mean the people who try to rile someone up.

I've been a victim of piled on abuse on here. I complained to Mumsnet but they wouldn't do anything about it. Yes people are free to write what they want but there are no moderators to steer the comments to the original question. I've seen it happen to a lot of mumsnetters. There are some very bitter nasty people out there and if you look at their previous comments/posts you'll see some are quite hypocritical. I'll never post my problems again. I think mumsnet has had its day.

I find that you can tell the people who are posting for the right reasons and get some brilliant ideas/responses from them, but this is a payoff with the condescending or just plain nasty people who will come on just to tell you you're wrong.

What I find particularly frustrating is when one such person comes on with a complaint about one thing you've said, and every other nasty person then picks up that same thing and also berates you with it, so they aren't even being original. It's tempting to really let them have it sometimes but then you're just as bad.

I feel for people who are already feeling low about something and then get some stranger really putting the boot in for no apparent reason.

I have said a few times that it would be useful to be able to choose to highlight certain users (just for yourself), so that you can read the comments knowing that they regularly stick the boot in. People argue that this will lead to people only reading opinions that chime with their own, but it would certainly save my blood pressure rising when I see some poor OP getting a kicking from a regular "abuser".

I have to shake my head on some of the advice given on this site and wonder at the consequences of acting on it.

I think a lot of people just like to add to the pile on and repeat the phrases that are only seen on here.

It's quite amusing to not see any of my 'abusers' on this thread.

Many moons ago I posted about issues I was having with my DH. It led to a complete pile on with many posters deciding one or both of us were abusive and also made some claims about emotional affairs etc.

We decided to attend counselling. I suggested what had been said on here and she asked me where I had got these ideas from. I told her. She rolled her eyes and said that 'armchair counsellors have a lot to answer for'. She said that what had been levelled at me was 'just categorically incorrect'.

It made me realise that I was silly to ask actual strangers for serious advice. Never again.

So many posters on MN are desperate to believe the worst in the OP. It's tiring to read the threads, it's tiring being the OP of those threads.

Ultimately, it can't be as tiring as being that poster in real life though, they must be so unhappy that they need to come onto a forum just to be difficult. Pretty pathetic.

I have seen some truly shitty replies but i have posted a couple of times about personal stuff that was concerning me (not in aibu) and i received nothing but support and helpful advice. I even got a few very kind pms and it really meant a lot to me, so it varies a lot i think.

The advice on the relationship board can be utterly dreadful.

I'm sure that many marriages that could have gotten through difficulties have ended due to posters jumping to conclusions after only hearing one side.

@galgaf12

The advice on the relationship board can be utterly dreadful.

I'm sure that many marriages that could have gotten through difficulties have ended due to posters jumping to conclusions after only hearing one side.

But it's up to the person actually in the marriage to decide what to do. Internet randoms don't make those decisions. They've been asked for their opinions, they give them based on the information they've got. They don't make any choices in the matter.

I would never post to ask for advice on anything serious these days. Someone ALWAYS turns up to twist things and pick apart every word or ask incessant questions that shouldn't matter just so it can be picked apart more. More often than not a post will have some insignificant detail picked up and everyone will pile on about that, ignoring the OPs actual question.

There are some vile people on here and MNHQ let this happen, all in the name of 'robust' discussion. Nope. It's bullying and extremely unhelpful. A lot would do well to remember the saying 'if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all' if they cannot offer genuine constructive advice.