To wonder how many peope come to MN for help and end up feeling worse?

[SimpleComforts]

People post for support with something they're finding difficult. We all know that when a person's struggling it's not really about the physical tasks they're finding hard but about the circumstances in which there having to deal with them, the life that's gone before, their worry for the future, a build up over time etc etc

But there are always people here determined to tell them that they're being wet because they can't cope, single parents have it much harder, what if you were disabled, I've had to do it when I was ill/poor/bereaved, how did people manage in the war etc etc.

I really feel for people , already feeling fragile and looking for support, when they get kicked and told they need to grow up, get a grip, their situation really isn't that bad.

Why do peope feel the need to do it?

At the time I felt desperate to tell someone and for any human kindness.
I got nasty replies.
Some of the replies were kind, but generally they were vile.

That's the problem hindsight - you go to an internet talk board when yo are all out of ideas and desperate to talk to someone. And people just come on and give you a hard time.
It's pathetic behaviour by truly pathetic people.

They see it as entertainment.

Honestly, had I been of a suicidal nature, it would have been the last straw.

There were home truths, and I'm sure if I re-read the posts,a lot of it would make sense, but why ask "have you no boundaries?" and things when I obviously hadn't, yet each time there''s a My DP/DH and his female friend type thread, any suggestion that it is not appropriate is shot down in flames.

I do think a lot of the time, particularly on relationship threads, people are responding from a place of perhaps painful recognition of what's going on. Women post about dreadful abuse from their h/p towards them and/or their children - or in some cases post about themselves being abusive to a child - and become defensive and aggressive when people respond to that. You get the sense that some of them are wanting to hear that their h's/their behaviour is normal and to be put up with. And there's no knowing how many of those joining in calling PPs vile and nasty and telling OP not to listen to them identify more with the OP than they are letting on.

I like that people on this site are prepared to blow the lid off cans of worms. But it's also true that there is a significant contingent of gratuitous nastiness.

I have found people don't seem to be capable of even reading the first line of an OP before replying, or they will pluck a word out of its context - quite literally, a single word - it will trigger something in them, and they will react to that and write their 'response' with this in mind. It's bizarre. To just read the opening post fully is too much to ask, let alone click on 'see all' and try to follow how the OP is progressing through their thread...

Often people are posting for a reality check, scared to trust their own perceptions, ashamed to be feeling how they're feeling, and then they are told they are supposed to be world champion boundary setters or whatever, when they are not even sure if they have a right to a self.

It is really dispiriting to see the lack of basic comprehension, and also the lack of empathy on a broad scale; and just the inherent laziness in not bothering to read before replying with something both irrelevant and disparaging, simply to milk their fangs, I guess.

I’ve received some lovely helpful advice on MN over the years - but I’ve never posted an OP on AIBU , I’m not sure I ever will.

I remember one thread where OP was something like
I'm single and have had an amazing ONS
The first reply was:
Where was your DH while you were having this mind-blowing sex

Another was something like 'I'm lookig for a name for Clara's little sister*
Reply Clara

Yes! Sometimes the key information is in the very first words of the very first sentence of the opening post - it's not a big ask to read that much surely?!

You get the sense that some of them are wanting to hear that their h's/their behaviour is normal and to be put up with.

I think most posters on mn have a pretty well developed bullshit sensor.

Some people ARE being wet and moan about problems that really could be changed with a simple mindset adjustment. I haven’t seen suicidal posters ever being harassed but plenty of the above told straight when they are in the midst of a self pity party.

I’ve also seen plenty of abusive behaviour that the op is trying to explain away as they were ‘stressed’ or ‘anxious’ but they were being abusive to a partner/dc/stranger, and rightfully got their arse handed to them.

1. Nobody is 100% truthful online

1. Women don’t have to be nice

1. An Internet forum is a bit of a free for all, so if you’re only looking for positive responses to a problem it’s best to go somewhere with more structure and rules, like a self help group or a counsellor.

This is a thread about a thread.

I’m sorry you’re feeling worse rather than better after posting.

I don’t think you have fully grasped that separate to you feeling down/overwhelmed you can also choose your words not to hurt other people at the same time.

Saying that single parents were unlikely to have a house as large as yours - I found that offensive and told you so. You were getting other useful advice on your issue and I didn’t feel I could add anything extra, nor wanted to after being insulted.

You can be having a hard time and still not offend people. And/or if you do offend people, you can apologise for that and learn from it without it invalidating your own issues.

You can have issues and be kind at the same time.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4025540-How-do-you-get-over-the-resentment-when-one-partner-genuinely-cant-do-as-much

You can have issues and be kind at the same time.

And yet you're not being kind here.

Posters on your other thread have tried to probe the problems you are facing and suggested ways to improve your coping capacity.

You acknowledge here in this OP that that's what you need, that it's not the physical aspects of running the house that are really the issue.

Yet posters, myself included, have been attacked on the previous thread for trying to engage in discussion about it.

Apparently we should all be simply validating how difficult life is for you. Is that what you came for? If so then the comments about the size of your house etc probably wound people up unnecessarily.

Or is the attempted deeper assessment of why you're finding things so hard valid? I would have thought that that would have more value in the long run, but it is difficult to know peoples motivation for starting a thread. Different personalities view things differently, this is the joy of MN usually. If you did just want validation that life is hard then that could have been clearer in the OP.

I honestly don't know and have bowed out of that thread now.

I've had this, posted for help on something life changing that was eating me alive, and I was basically told me and my baby deserve to be thrown to the streets. I felt so sick reading some of the responses. Some were reasonable, constructive and even reassuring but many were just down right evil. Never again.

I think things have gone a lot nastier over the last six months or so, but there are some very supportive threads too. It seems that responses are much more polarised - either really supportive or nasty. There seem to be a lot more pile ons with people picking on some inconsequential part of a post almost just to have a go for the sake of it and vying to be more nasty than the PP. I've really felt for some posters.

I do think that, yes.

My anecdote is a post I made during lockdown. My underlying worries were about major surgery for my tiny DC1, concerns about my unborn baby as I'm pregnant, financial worries and other things like leading dental treatment, but because I happened to mention a reasonably trivial thing as well (but which I would otherwise have relied on to help me deal with the more serious things) I got some really upsetting replies which were removed. One of the posters was clearly struggling herself so I do understand, but I wasn't complaining but just desperate for strategies so that I could do my best for DC - there wasn't any mental health support available so it seemed reasonable to reach out here. Was on mental health board too.

Anyway I think I've sorted myself out now but I'd definitely never look for help online again however desperate I was.

"Needing dental treatment"

Tends to go in fits and starts I find, all nice and then Bam the mean comments start! Especially on AIBU! Mumsnet should be taken a bit tongue in cheek I think.

Social media can be horrendous, but also very good and gentle. Such a mixed bag.
When people are nasty, however unjust it is, I think it is a reflection largely on their inner state (I go to Buddhism class) and it ties in majorly with psychology.
Marisa Peer says that the people most critical of others are the most critical of themselves. I have people in my family that are very like this sadly and I remind myself to take their comments less personally because of this although it's very much a work on progress.
I hate it when people are judgemental on here, but they do it to fuel their ego and give themselves a voice, to be heard even if it's not constructive. Same on facebook.

There is some great advice and help on here, like fantastic level but yes there are some dreadful replies. The worst are not actually trying to be nasty I think ' Bloody hell OP this is a terrible situation, so relieved I made a good choice with my husband, just don't know what I'd do in your situation!' - those type of replies always make me 😳 - how is that helpful to anyone?! But I also think some people are like that in RL too.
Other bad advice is where people love to put the boot in, typically starting with 'why did you let...'
I've also seen posts derailed if the OP makes the 'mistake' of including something anti-mumsnet e.g one poster made a funny comment 'omg this is going to go viral isn't it?'. Red flag to lots of bulls! Cue lots of sneering about OP wanting post to go viral.
There are some acerbic regular posters on here but generally quite entertaining and I always enjoy reading their replies as they're not so nasty, or a bit pantomime about it.

I agree. People bury their advice (or don't include any advice at all) in some really nasty attacks. It's not helpful.

Also, people giving their advice can get nasty attacks, often based on other posters' personal and very specific experiences and nothing to do with the original comment.