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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? (bereavement related)

60 replies

Doggybiccys · 16/09/2020 22:16

Long post - don't want to drip feed.
MIL died late July (FIL died some years ago). DH has 2 siblings - a sister who is married with a family and lives hundreds of miles away and a brother. DB is nearly 60 and still lived at home - no friends, never had a girlfriend, never so much as paid a bill in his life as PILs did everything for him. I think if he was born now he would be diagnosed with some form of ASD. That said, he has a job, can drive etc.

So DB is basically now on his own in the house (furloughed).Although he can drive, he won't - would only drive to work and back. DH is rightly trying to support him and break his week up by inviting him to ours. But its got to the stage now where DB is here every afternoon and evening DH is not working - so around 4 days a week. They have got into a pattern whereby they just sit and drink and listen to music and talk crap - and I mean crap.I come home from work, we have dinner then I drive DB home - usually quite drunk. I then come home and go to bed as am up early for work.

I didn't know he was coming today so I got home from work after a really long and tiring day, nearly 6 hours of meetings, only to be greeted by them sitting drinking in the garden. I felt close to tears which sounds awfully dramatic but DB is so so so draining - he literally never shuts up, talks complete nonsense and I know this sounds ridiculous, but he just compliments me all the time which makes me really uncomfortable - its not in a pervy way - I just hate being complimented.

I find him such hard work I have been pretending to go to the gym and just sitting in my car with a coffee for an hour to get peace.

So as we dropped him off tonight, DH announces that tomorrow he will be making X for dinner to which DB replies - great, when you picking me up?

I got really tearful after DB left the car at the thought of another tedious night and DH is furious with me. Says he is disgusted with me, I'm unsupportive, a disappointment, I've totally bailed on him at his time of need and I've to fuck off.

I know he needs to support his brother and I want to as well. BUT.....its really having a negative effect on me and I just can't bear to spend so much time with him. I think I got so upset as I cannot see a solution. I am also quite resentful because I know for a fact 100% that DH would not do what he is asking me to do if the roles were reveresed.
To be clear - I am happy for him to come for dinner, take him out for lunch etc., just not on so many of DHs days off as we now spend practically no time alone together.

So;
YABU - you should do whatever it takes to support DB and DH
YANBU - DH should also be considerate of your needs

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 16/09/2020 22:21

No.
Your DH is not helping.
He should be supporting BIL to build a life.
I speak as a mother who has lost a dearly loved son. I have spent the last 4 years supporting my other 2 childten to rebuild their lives. Because I cannot do it for them.
Flowers

Porcupineinwaiting · 16/09/2020 22:22

There's no voting enabled but YANBU.

Hangingbasketofdoom · 16/09/2020 22:26

It is still really early days for your husband so he probably feels a need to reach out to his remaining family. But could he see him sometimes at his own home? It is very hard to be the one supporting someone with their loss, though not as hard as being the one experiencing it (and I've done both).
Problem is your dh can't really support you just now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2020 22:26

Can’t see a vote but of course YANBU. You matter too. Why can’t DH go to DB’s and drink and chat crap there? He has no right to monopolise your home and your time in his mercy mission. You need to draw a line and stick to it.

ALLIS0N · 16/09/2020 22:30

YANBU. Your husband needs to compromise

Agree a set number of times a week that he sees his brother, perhaps three nights for a few weeks then go down to two nights.

Divide these up between him visiting his DB at his house and then cooking a meal together and perhaps one other night when they go out and do an activity together, like a sport or hobby. He needs to help his DB develop a social life of his own.

Then you could maybe have him to Sunday lunch once a month or so.

That way he’s not intruding on your own space so much. And it’s not up to you to drive him home, you are not a taxi driver.

mumsthewurd · 16/09/2020 22:32

YANBU
set boundaries to help everyone and protect yourself and your relationship with DH. DH can go to DB's house, not always be in your space. It's your home. You have every right.

TitianaTitsling · 16/09/2020 22:33

Stop being a taxi to him! Either just say no I'm tired, go to bed or also have a drink!

Havaiana · 16/09/2020 22:36

YANBU. It's been 6 weeks, it's time to stop. No more cooking, lifts and tell DH his brother can come over once per week (or less) and the rest if the time he can go to him.

Why are you taking him home? Is DH over the limit too?

amoobaa · 16/09/2020 22:38

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You’re having to deal with a complex situation and there are so many layers of emotion... so many perspectives to hold in mind.

However, your husband doesn’t need to drink in order to support his brother. Perhaps he could consider doing some pick ups and drop offs so you are not solely responsible for them being able to spend time together? (Can your husband drive?)

Sounds like he didn’t respond well to you bursting into tears? Was he completely unaware of your feelings up until that moment? If so, could you try communicating with him? Clearly explain that you want his brother to get all the support he needs but you also want to express your feelings to your husband and check in with him so that you can both be on the same page?

Is there any way of making this more of a team effort? Can you find some common ground?

Good luck... bereavement is complex and nurturing healthy boundaries can be equally complex.

GabriellaMontez · 16/09/2020 22:46

Yanbu.

What about you? Dont you get any support?
Stop the lifts for starters.

Agree a compromise.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 16/09/2020 23:03

It's only been a matter of weeks so of course he wants to support his brother. So I think it is understandable that he was upset by your reaction.

However you matter too and you do need some space in your own home. I'd agree he needs to support his brother but ask if he could go over to his house some times and keep a night a week for you as a couple as it is important you have some couple time too. I'd also frame it that you are worried that it will become a habit for BiL that will be difficult to break in the future and it might help if he mixed it up a bit eg go out some nights even if just a walk. If he has ASD though routine might be more important to him and that makes it harder.

I see where both of you are coming from here and its tricky.

VinylDetective · 16/09/2020 23:03

It’s six weeks. I don’t know how many pps have lost their parents but six weeks is fuck all. I was on my knees six weeks after my mum died. It’s no time at all.

I imagine that both brothers need support and it’s entirely mutual. If my bloke had behaved like you are, OP, my opinion of him would have been reduced by several notches. In fact I’d be seriously considering whether the relationship had a future.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2020 23:05

No reason at all the support needs to involve excessive drinking or take place in OP’s home. DB has a home too.

Craftycorvid · 16/09/2020 23:11

Poor you! It sounds really draining. Has your husband seen himself as his brother’s carer/protector in the past? Sounds maybe that he is compensating for the lack of other things in his brother’s life. Yes, it’s early doors but being at your place this often is clearly too much. It would also not help your BiL to allow him to substitute you and your DH for parents. Could your DH go to his brother sometimes? Could you arrange a night off for yourself? How would your DH react if you told him you want time together with him as a couple?

Tarantallegra · 16/09/2020 23:18

I think @OoohTheStatsDontLie has offered the best advice here as it's very balanced and exactly what I would do in this situation.

BackforGood · 16/09/2020 23:42

YANBU, but your dh's grief is probably quite raw too.
I can see that, unless this was really sensitively put (and I get why it might not have been), then it could have come across as being really heartless.

Yes, in theory I agree with the fact that the best thing your dh can do longer term is to help his brother build some sort of social life of his own, but, tbf, that isn't easy right now, with most groups and clubs closed down. As your dh is at home anyway, I can see that it makes sense to him to have his db round to keep each other company. in their grief.
When my parents died, I have to say dh was my utter rock, in that he just quietly got on with working around whatever I needed to do and however I needed to express my grief. I loved him so much for doing that, even though he could have rightly felt abandoned at that time.

Perhaps, when you are both feeling calmer, you could have a conversation about dh going over you his brother's and teaching him to cook a meal a couple of times a week. Suggest they could use some of the time together (whilst your dh has the time) to start sorting through the house - clearing it out, sorting through a system to help his db learn to pay the bills etc, dealing with their parents clothes and belongings, now, whilst they have time.

But phrase it as 'using the time to help db, whilst you aren't at work' rather than 'not wanting him in my house all the time' ?

Original poster
Doggybiccys · 16/09/2020 23:45

Thanks for all the responses. Ironically Ive only just been able to check MN as we are still arguing! To address a few queries;

  • DH doesn’t want to see DB alone /without alcohol/ me as DB is a “2 man job” and you need alcohol to numb the pain
  • DH won’t see DB at his house because he needs back up
  • DH can’t drive DB home as he’s always half pished too as he can’t cope with DB sober
  • they are typical Scottish men and wouldn’t go for a chat unless it involved alcohol

@VinylDetective - I take your point but DH was with me when my dad died when his parents were still alive and as I said in OP, there is literally zero chance of him driving me and my sister on a pub crawl and him sitting for hours on end me and sis talking shite

OP posts:
Havaiana · 16/09/2020 23:48

So please tell us you’re stopping OP?

TheDuchessofMalfy · 16/09/2020 23:49

What about you being allowed some alcohol to numb the pain of DB? I think you doing the driving has to stop straight away.

Original poster
Doggybiccys · 16/09/2020 23:49

@BackforGood - thank you - some really good points there. This is exactly what i am trying to encourage. Ironically DH used to complain about how much his parents enabled DB But now he is doing the same

OP posts:
Original poster
Doggybiccys · 16/09/2020 23:53

@Havaiana - my DH is such a good “all rounder” I am feeling really guilty about not going along with his plans

@TheDuchessofMalfy - that’s a whole other thread. I had a real problem with alcohol a few years back. I can safely have a drink or 2 but I don’t want to get back into the whole (Scottish) thing of drinking to ease the pain

OP posts:
ToastyCrumpet · 16/09/2020 23:55

DB may need support but this is not support, it’s enabling him to continue to be dependent on other people instead of building a life for himself.

Original poster
Doggybiccys · 16/09/2020 23:59

@ToastyCrumpet - that’s what I think. But he’s nearly 60 so the chances of him changing are slim. My DH just comes back with “but he’s not right” and we need to make allowances which I totally agree ....then I find myself crying in the drive cos I can’t face another night of it

OP posts:
ShopoholicIn · 17/09/2020 00:01

Yanbu however it's only a small interval that has passed.
I recently lost my DFather hence I know how painful can it be. Your BIL was living with his parents n has now lost both and the only people he used to come home to. So it's understandable but still i believe your DH shoyld gives you some time as well as it can be very draining for you.

Havaiana · 17/09/2020 00:02

This can’t go on OP. You know the language H is using against you is unacceptable?

H is being an all rounder is no mitigation. He is putting you in an awful situation and it will affect your mental health.