Who is BU? (bereavement related)

[Doggybiccys]

Long post - don't want to drip feed.
MIL died late July (FIL died some years ago). DH has 2 siblings - a sister who is married with a family and lives hundreds of miles away and a brother. DB is nearly 60 and still lived at home - no friends, never had a girlfriend, never so much as paid a bill in his life as PILs did everything for him. I think if he was born now he would be diagnosed with some form of ASD. That said, he has a job, can drive etc.

So DB is basically now on his own in the house (furloughed).Although he can drive, he won't - would only drive to work and back. DH is rightly trying to support him and break his week up by inviting him to ours. But its got to the stage now where DB is here every afternoon and evening DH is not working - so around 4 days a week. They have got into a pattern whereby they just sit and drink and listen to music and talk crap - and I mean crap.I come home from work, we have dinner then I drive DB home - usually quite drunk. I then come home and go to bed as am up early for work.

I didn't know he was coming today so I got home from work after a really long and tiring day, nearly 6 hours of meetings, only to be greeted by them sitting drinking in the garden. I felt close to tears which sounds awfully dramatic but DB is so so so draining - he literally never shuts up, talks complete nonsense and I know this sounds ridiculous, but he just compliments me all the time which makes me really uncomfortable - its not in a pervy way - I just hate being complimented.

I find him such hard work I have been pretending to go to the gym and just sitting in my car with a coffee for an hour to get peace.

So as we dropped him off tonight, DH announces that tomorrow he will be making X for dinner to which DB replies - great, when you picking me up?

I got really tearful after DB left the car at the thought of another tedious night and DH is furious with me. Says he is disgusted with me, I'm unsupportive, a disappointment, I've totally bailed on him at his time of need and I've to fuck off.

I know he needs to support his brother and I want to as well. BUT.....its really having a negative effect on me and I just can't bear to spend so much time with him. I think I got so upset as I cannot see a solution. I am also quite resentful because I know for a fact 100% that DH would not do what he is asking me to do if the roles were reveresed.
To be clear - I am happy for him to come for dinner, take him out for lunch etc., just not on so many of DHs days off as we now spend practically no time alone together.

So;
YABU - you should do whatever it takes to support DB and DH
YANBU - DH should also be considerate of your needs

@TeenPlusTwenties

Would you consider contacting social services? Your PIL were 'carers' for your BIL. You are not in a position to provide sufficient care. They should step up - maybe some kind of assisted living community? The house could be sold to pay for it?

He’s really not “that bad”. Just a bit “different” and incapable (?? learned helplessness).

@Sexnotgender

His grief is still really raw. But your needs matter too.

Take yourself away when his brother is there, yes you won’t get to spend time with your DH right now but you’ll have to live with that right now.

Once your DH needs to be the sole participant in this I’m sure the visits will reduce.

Yes, I think the more it is just the 2 of them , the more DH will tire too. The one night he saw him sober, DH was tearing his hair out.

shouldnt be forcing you to join in-if he ants to see his db he arranges how he gets home and at least lets you do your own thing

Just say I'm not driving you , pls shut up and stop complimenting me I hate it. You wanna get drunk order a taxi I have work in the morning. No I'm not cooking it's sexist I have to do it every night.

I agree with taking yourself away. You shouldn't have to, but if you can go to the gym, a friend or whatever every night for, say, a week, that might be enough to give DH pause for thought. On a practical level it would also be much better for you as a problem drinker to be away from drunk people in your home.

I'd be saying to my husband, that I get that they are grieving, and that he wants to support his brother, but he needs to understand that I also have needs and limitations, particularly in light of the fact that I am still working, commuting, and all the rest of it. You have the right to have some wind down and relax time in your own home.

I would be telling him that he doesn't have the right to impose on me the obligation of helping him deal with his brother every night (particularly because I'm sober, and if he can't handle his brother when he's sober, why does he think it's any easier for me - and he's not my brother?!), nor the responsibility of getting his brother home because they've both been drinking.

So if they want to drink and drown their sorrows, then they've either got to come up with an alternative venue or an alternative means to get home.

It is not at all fair of him to jeopardise (or exploit) your hard won sobriety.

I think it's manipulative of your DH to say that he can't see his DB alone or without drinking. That's just not acceptable.

If DB is hard work he needs to think about what other support is available. Are there other family members who could do a regular Skype call? Does DB have any interests, could he join a group whether real or online? Help DB select some ready meals so that he can cook for himself.

Yes, this shouldn't all be falling on your DH either. In a way it's kind of refreshing to see a woman doing not much and a man having to take the responsibility for unpaid care work, but it's still not very fair. DH should be discussing the option of a regular skype call to BIL with her. One night a week can be her turn.

@OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer

Yes, this shouldn't all be falling on your DH either. In a way it's kind of refreshing to see a woman doing not much and a man having to take the responsibility for unpaid care work, but it's still not very fair. DH should be discussing the option of a regular skype call to BIL with her. One night a week can be her turn.

But is it all falling on him? Or is the support mutual?

Interesting point. If DH needs alcohol and a spouse to be able to cope with DB, I'm not sure DBs presence is supportive no. The alcohol might be.