Who is BU? (bereavement related)

[Doggybiccys]

Long post - don't want to drip feed.
MIL died late July (FIL died some years ago). DH has 2 siblings - a sister who is married with a family and lives hundreds of miles away and a brother. DB is nearly 60 and still lived at home - no friends, never had a girlfriend, never so much as paid a bill in his life as PILs did everything for him. I think if he was born now he would be diagnosed with some form of ASD. That said, he has a job, can drive etc.

So DB is basically now on his own in the house (furloughed).Although he can drive, he won't - would only drive to work and back. DH is rightly trying to support him and break his week up by inviting him to ours. But its got to the stage now where DB is here every afternoon and evening DH is not working - so around 4 days a week. They have got into a pattern whereby they just sit and drink and listen to music and talk crap - and I mean crap.I come home from work, we have dinner then I drive DB home - usually quite drunk. I then come home and go to bed as am up early for work.

I didn't know he was coming today so I got home from work after a really long and tiring day, nearly 6 hours of meetings, only to be greeted by them sitting drinking in the garden. I felt close to tears which sounds awfully dramatic but DB is so so so draining - he literally never shuts up, talks complete nonsense and I know this sounds ridiculous, but he just compliments me all the time which makes me really uncomfortable - its not in a pervy way - I just hate being complimented.

I find him such hard work I have been pretending to go to the gym and just sitting in my car with a coffee for an hour to get peace.

So as we dropped him off tonight, DH announces that tomorrow he will be making X for dinner to which DB replies - great, when you picking me up?

I got really tearful after DB left the car at the thought of another tedious night and DH is furious with me. Says he is disgusted with me, I'm unsupportive, a disappointment, I've totally bailed on him at his time of need and I've to fuck off.

I know he needs to support his brother and I want to as well. BUT.....its really having a negative effect on me and I just can't bear to spend so much time with him. I think I got so upset as I cannot see a solution. I am also quite resentful because I know for a fact 100% that DH would not do what he is asking me to do if the roles were reveresed.
To be clear - I am happy for him to come for dinner, take him out for lunch etc., just not on so many of DHs days off as we now spend practically no time alone together.

So;
YABU - you should do whatever it takes to support DB and DH
YANBU - DH should also be considerate of your needs

@ShopoholicIn -thank you. I agree about the time scales, it’s still early days. Part of the issue is that DB keeps talking of how he’s lost “his” dad. Not once has he acknowledged that DH has also lost his dad.

I know that DH is trying to support his siblings the best he can and as many have said, he could do that without the piss ups. But they won’t.

@Havaiana - thank you. As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve had a problem with alcohol in the past which now means I can’t complain about others drinking to excess in difficult times, IYSWIM?

I really want to thank those that have posted and your responses have really helped me. I’m going to try and get some sleep now (unlikely) but hope to catch up with you tomorrow.

@Doggybiccys, I think I was a bit harsh. I’m sorry.

But it really is so very soon and their grief will be so raw still. It sounds as if the alcohol is a massive problem and it really isn’t great for them to be off their faces half the time. Maybe if you said you won’t ferry them around any more it would make it more difficult for them to do that? Please give them some time, though.

[quote Doggybiccys]@Havaiana - thank you. As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve had a problem with alcohol in the past which now means I can’t complain about others drinking to excess in difficult times, IYSWIM?[/quote]
Actually, imo, if you've had problems with alcohol then that makes them getting drunk in your home every night even more unreasonable.

It’s only been a few weeks. Give them time but tell DH you won’t be sitting around listening to this crap every night. Don’t bother about the missed time with DH, choose your battles wisely. Maybe give the lift home still but go sit upstairs or whatever if the bullshit gets too much, or go and see you friends etc. Lockdown is likely soon anyway though I suspect this time there will be bubble.

@Doggybiccys - sorry if I was insensitive there. I still don’t think that makes you everyone’s taxi though!

I think you’re going to have to have it out with him that he’s asking for more than he’d be willing to give or it’s going to eat you alive, because you’ve mentioned it a few times, so obviously it’s not something that you can just “let go.” Some people can, some people can’t. I don’t think either way is a failing, personally. But letting it eat at you would be. So, might as well just let it out with him, ask him how this is fair based on how he handled your father’s death. I think he already opened this gate when he told you to fuck off, etc. versus even listening to you or giving your feelings some thought. Don’t get tearful. Get angry! It’s your house. You have a say! DO NOT have this discussion while he’s drinking. You will never have a rational discussion while he’s pissed.

His relationships can’t be a “two-man job” that rely on you, unless he would be willing to help you the same way, and it sounds like he wasn’t. So. If his brother is there, just don’t be around at all. Go in your bedroom with a book and close the door. Go out for the whole evening. Make it clear that it will be the same for him whether he’s in your house or his brother’s house, which is that you’re NOT taking the mental load. By refusing to go to the brother’s house, he makes it clear he’s basically relying on alcohol and YOU to handle his brother. So time to make it clear you’re not a “tool” to be used that way (you’re right, that alcohol shouldn’t be either, but that’s his choice right now).

Also, when he’s not pissed and clear-thinking, maybe point out that it might not be a great plan to get his brother in the habit of getting pissed every night. If he’s possibly ASD and develops habits, then heavy drinking may become a “habit,” and won’t just stop automatically because grieving time is “up.” You and your husband could suddenly have a 60-year-old alcoholic on your hands.

4nights a week is far too much. I'd negotiate it down to twice a week. It's not a 2man job either. I'd get on with something you enjoy & pop your head round intermittently. Your partner's grief is making him a little selfish here. Your needs matter too. Also is there any hobby he might conceivably enjoy that you could gently prod him toward? The Shed Club is for men who like practical stuff. Age UK does every activity you can think of : book clubs,film clubs, cinema trips ,walks, National Trust visits, history talks ,gardening clubs.

Can you reach some sort of compromise? Start with one night a week with no DB and go from there? Also, I would say that DB needs to start getting taxis and the pair of them can sort the payment. You aren’t a taxi service to be used every night.

I imagine they are both grieving and it is hard, but this isn’t fair to do to you either. There needs to be compromise.. I feel concerned that where is this going to end? Getting drunk nearly every night is not the answer.

Pour yourself a glass of wine and say you've been drinking. If you dont want to be drinking, just pour it back in the bottle when no ones looking. Book him a taxi every time. Try and ask your husband to have him over fridays and sundays only, as you want a break in between. They don't need to be drinking either.

I’m operating under the idea that BIL indeed has special needs and needs assistance. I have a cousin who can’t live alone and her siblings all made it clear when picking life partners that she could end up a part of their household at any time

Your DH stepping up and supporting him is what needs to happen; but that doesn’t mean It has to trample over your life. You don’t have to sit there every night and you don’t have to play chauffeur on a regular basis.

My mother died a few months ago, my brother, who has special needs lived with her. He was obviously devastated, I live 2.5 hours away; my sister and I made sure we were there loads to support him. It was all about 'his' grief, even when we told him we were upset too, she was our mother too, he wasn't interested. He was really vile to us, every bit of help/support we tried to get, he wasn't interested; he wanted us to do everything, but was always awful when we did help.
It got to the point that I was so emotionally and physically drained after every visit, DH told me to stop going so frequently as it was obviously affecting my health. I did, but still every visit was a nightmare. I have now stepped right back, as I can't listen to him tell me how horrible I am, how I don't care about him. I couldn't even grieve for my mother properly, as I was too busy sealing with DB.

There has to come a point where your DH must take a step back for the sake or your relationship.

FYI the only time my DH told me to F off, I packed a bag, turned off my phone and went to a hotel for the night. It certainly gave him food for thought, and we had a proper discussion about how to communicate with each other.

Morning all and thanks again for the really valuable input. I really appreciate people taking the time to respond so will try to respond to all the replies.

[quote VinylDetective]@Doggybiccys, I think I was a bit harsh. I’m sorry.

But it really is so very soon and their grief will be so raw still. It sounds as if the alcohol is a massive problem and it really isn’t great for them to be off their faces half the time. Maybe if you said you won’t ferry them around any more it would make it more difficult for them to do that? Please give them some time, though.[/quote]
No you weren’t harsh. I value your input.

@lyralalala - yes, that was one of the points I raised with him.

@OntheWaves40

It’s only been a few weeks. Give them time but tell DH you won’t be sitting around listening to this crap every night. Don’t bother about the missed time with DH, choose your battles wisely. Maybe give the lift home still but go sit upstairs or whatever if the bullshit gets too much, or go and see you friends etc. Lockdown is likely soon anyway though I suspect this time there will be bubble.

I tried that and got told my DH that I was being selfish watching tv and not coming out to talk to DB (listening to him talking shite)

[quote TheDuchessofMalfy]@Doggybiccys - sorry if I was insensitive there. I still don’t think that makes you everyone’s taxi though![/quote]
You weren’t - I want a range of opinions. Thanks.

@RightYesButNo

I think you’re going to have to have it out with him that he’s asking for more than he’d be willing to give or it’s going to eat you alive, because you’ve mentioned it a few times, so obviously it’s not something that you can just “let go.” Some people can, some people can’t. I don’t think either way is a failing, personally. But letting it eat at you would be. So, might as well just let it out with him, ask him how this is fair based on how he handled your father’s death. I think he already opened this gate when he told you to fuck off, etc. versus even listening to you or giving your feelings some thought. Don’t get tearful. Get angry! It’s your house. You have a say! DO NOT have this discussion while he’s drinking. You will never have a rational discussion while he’s pissed.

His relationships can’t be a “two-man job” that rely on you, unless he would be willing to help you the same way, and it sounds like he wasn’t. So. If his brother is there, just don’t be around at all. Go in your bedroom with a book and close the door. Go out for the whole evening. Make it clear that it will be the same for him whether he’s in your house or his brother’s house, which is that you’re NOT taking the mental load. By refusing to go to the brother’s house, he makes it clear he’s basically relying on alcohol and YOU to handle his brother. So time to make it clear you’re not a “tool” to be used that way (you’re right, that alcohol shouldn’t be either, but that’s his choice right now).

Also, when he’s not pissed and clear-thinking, maybe point out that it might not be a great plan to get his brother in the habit of getting pissed every night. If he’s possibly ASD and develops habits, then heavy drinking may become a “habit,” and won’t just stop automatically because grieving time is “up.” You and your husband could suddenly have a 60-year-old alcoholic on your hands.

I tried not to discuss last night as I know he was a bit drunk but I just couldn’t hold back the tears of frustration. I like your point about not being a tool And will use that!

Need to go into a meeting now so can’t reply to everyone but again, I really value your insights as this is a very difficult situation. Thanks.

Would you consider contacting social services?
Your PIL were 'carers' for your BIL.
You are not in a position to provide sufficient care.
They should step up - maybe some kind of assisted living community? The house could be sold to pay for it?

His grief is still really raw. But your needs matter too.

Take yourself away when his brother is there, yes you won’t get to spend time with your DH right now but you’ll have to live with that right now.

Once your DH needs to be the sole participant in this I’m sure the visits will reduce.

It's early days and your husband is worried about his brother though I am not sure why it has to be at your house all the time. Why not just tell your husband you only want him over for a max twice a week. If they want to see more of each other get your husband to go there. Don't give lifts so they need to get taxis or not drink.

Either send DH & BIL to the pub & suggest they call cabs home or have a TV programme you can't miss & disappear upstairs to watch it leaving them downstairs. I would start saying how tired you are when you get in from work & that you need an early night. Why can't your dh cook on the nights bil comes round, I would find an excuse to be late home, either working late or shopping would be good ones especially as we go in to the run to Christmas. You need to put your foot down or he will be at your house every waking hour.

It isn't reasonable for DH to think he can oblige you to deal with people under the influence every night in your own home when you've had alcohol problems yourself.

Is DB likely to get unfurloughed soon? Because within the next few weeks things will either greatly improve or... not.