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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of his family

54 replies

BobaFett86 · 16/09/2020 06:59

My partner comes from a wealthy family. Unfortunately due to covid, he lost his job, so I have been supporting us financially on a low income. I am currently heavily pregnant. Partners family have been saying they will help out but so far, I have been left to pay for everything. To top things off, the family have caused a rift between me and my partner over heirlooms. I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable or not?
Basically there is a family tradition to give girls in the family the name Elsie. There's an old painting of the original Elsie, wearing a few items of jewellery, which apparently are worth a considerable amount of money. The family are expected to pass the name down to keep the tradition going, and the Elsie of each generation gets handed the painting and the antique jewellery.
My partners mum is the current Elsie, and as we are expecting a girl, my partner has talked me into giving our daughter the name.
Only I have just found out that my partners mum is not even in possession of the antique haul despite being the rightful owner. Turns out that when my partner's grandfather died, his aunt basically went through all of his belongings and helped herself. She even took the Elsie heirlooms.
My partner's mum has just allowed it and won't even challenge her sister as she doesn't want to cause an argument.
So as a result, I've decided that I'm not going to call my baby Elsie, seeing as she will never receive the heirlooms. And now my partner is in a right strop over it, acting like I am in the wrong. Yet i wasn't the one who was cornered into giving my child a name based upon false pretences. And quite frankly I am fed up of struggling in an overcrowded council flat, paying to wipe my partner's backside for him, whilst his relatives are all living in massive gated equestrian properties with their collections of luxury cars. Am I the one in the wrong here?

OP posts:
GoldfishParade · 16/09/2020 07:19

Sounds insane. Call your daughter what you want and tell him you need money.

CalmdownJanet · 16/09/2020 07:23

Yup sorry you don't sound nice at all. It's not up to his family to support you, they shouldn't tell you they will if they won't but just forget the offer and manage like two adults. It's not up to them to wipe your partners backside either.

As for the name, honestly you just sound like a money grabber. Call your child what you want to call them because you like the name or you like the tradition not because you have your greedy sights on a painting and jewellery that's "rightfully" your daughters

Sanitisethat · 16/09/2020 07:26

YANBU - it’s a weird tradition anyway, and it broke down before it even got to you! Hold your ground on this one.

wuickquestion · 16/09/2020 07:26

Even if your DD got the heirlooms doesn't sound like you can sell them. So I don't see what you are worrying about. It won't help your situation now. However I like the name Elsie! If means a lot to your DH and you like it then go for it, just as a tradition.

Have you moved to a council property since Covid and your DH kissing his job? I appreciate it's hard, when family have money and you are struggling, but you need to make your own way.

MarthasGinYard · 16/09/2020 07:27

'I've decided that I'm not going to call my baby Elsie, seeing as she will never receive the heirlooms.'

Ugh how ugly

You all sound as bad as each other though TBH

TweeBree · 16/09/2020 07:29

And quite frankly I am fed up of struggling in an overcrowded council flat, paying to wipe my partner's backside for him, whilst his relatives are all living in massive gated equestrian properties with their collections of luxury cars.

YABU about this. They are under no obligation to support you.

If your husband wants to use the name, can you compromise and make it her middle name?

CitizenFame · 16/09/2020 07:29

How over dramatic and pointless.

And what you’re actually saying is “I’ll call my child what you want but only if you give me jewellery” which makes you come across as grabby

Lollypop4 · 16/09/2020 07:31

Why do his family owe you both anything?
Your Dp needs to finacially support you.
Choose the name you want.

FelicityPike · 16/09/2020 07:35

You won’t be “allowed” to sell the heirlooms anyway so what’s wrong with using the name? It means a great deal to your child’s father.
His parents owe you and he the grand total of fuck all! So get over that.
If you’re so greedy and sick of supporting your partner then tell him to leave.
Your post has made you come across as a proper fold digging witch btw (even if you’re not).

FelicityPike · 16/09/2020 07:36

Gold.....obviously.

sitckmansladylove · 16/09/2020 07:39

Why should anyone give you money? Has your partner tried to get another job?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2020 07:41

Sounds like a Louise Bagshawe novel.

Is he looking for a job? Claiming UC? What’s his plan for when you’re on maternity?

They don’t owe you anything. What would you do if his family wasn’t wealthy? Most people don’t have that to fall back on.

And Elsie is nice so either stick with it because it’s pretty or pick something else you both like.

Not an easy time right now to be heavily pregnant with an unemployed partner but you’re focussing on the wrong things. Good luck.

Gobbycop · 16/09/2020 08:03

I actually like the name but wouldn't be using it on principle.

It's a weird tradition, fuck the heirlooms and call your daughter what you want.

dontdisturbmenow · 16/09/2020 08:09

You sound very money driven. Why should his family bail him out before you do?

Why were you prepared to give your girl a name you don't like just to get jewelry and a painting? Sad.

MarthasGinYard · 16/09/2020 08:12

Perhaps they have told you the items are with auntie, as they don't want you to have them.

5foot5 · 16/09/2020 08:12

Lots of families have a traditional name that they like to pass down, with or without any heirlooms attached. If your DP's mum is called Elsie I can see why he might like to include that as one of his DDs names anyway. You both have a say in the name obviously and I can see it would be awkward if he wanted a name that you really hated. However, you presumably don't really hate the name if you had been prepared to use it.

It must be hard right now if you are struggling financially but it sounds like it isn't your DP's fault he lost his job and hopefully he is trying to get another. The way you say you are "paying to wipe my partner's backside for him" sounds horribly judgmental.

AnguaResurgam · 16/09/2020 08:14

How many generations does this go back?

An unbroken line of names is quite a tradition, unconnected to getting items which would be pretty hostile to his family to sell, and would just cause you expense of insuring

dontdisturbmenow · 16/09/2020 08:18

Perhaps they have told you the items are with auntie, as they don't want you to have them
I suspect exactly that, testing the OP and now know all she cares about is the heirlooms, not the tradition or the name.

AlexaShutUp · 16/09/2020 08:19

You sound very bitter about the fact that they aren't helping you financially, but it is not their responsibility to do so. You also sound really resentful of the need to support your partner, but is this not what couples do? Is he looking for a new job?

With regard to the name, I don't think you should feel pressured to use a name that you don't like just because it's his family tradition, but it seems a bit grabby if you say you're only willing to do it for the heirlooms. Either you're up for following the tradition or not.

AnnaFour · 16/09/2020 08:21

I think focusing on the lack of financial help from your partners family is distracting you from what he’s doing to sort out his finances. Is he actively job hunting? Claiming any benefits? If he is just relying on money that may or may not materialise from his family that doesn’t bode well for the future.

GoldfishParade · 16/09/2020 08:24

Cant believe the replies on here. OP is heavily pregnant and financing a man who comes from a very wealthy family, and who is also trying to impose a name choice on the OP.

I see the OPs point and dont think shes grabby. Naming a child something specific as part of a tradition that involves receiving heirlooms is only appealing if the second part of the tradition is upheld too. In this case, it wont be. So why should she uphold the first part (the naming)?

Dita73 · 16/09/2020 08:25

You all sound unbelievably shallow

Jokie · 16/09/2020 08:25

YABU to want to only call a child a name to get your hands on "heirlooms". You call the baby whatever you want.

YANBU to be annoyed at your partner/family for not helping you out when you're heavily pregnant and needing financial assistance. Have you told your DH to talk to his family about helping out financially?

Lochroy · 16/09/2020 08:29

I think things need separating

  1. No obligation on them to help, but of course it would be nice if they have the means and want to do so
  1. You don't give a child a name in return for wealth/possessions. That's terrible.
  1. You call your child what you and your partner agree you want to call her. independent of any heirlooms (perhaps use it as a middle name?)
  1. You love your partner for better or worse and you can't be jealous of what others have, money wise.
IamTomHanks · 16/09/2020 08:29

The family owes you nothing.

Your DP has lost his job in an insane situation and you refer to that as "wiping his backside"?

Get your priorities straight OP. Are you with him because you love him or because you were hoping to get some of the families money.