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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of his family

54 replies

BobaFett86 · 16/09/2020 06:59

My partner comes from a wealthy family. Unfortunately due to covid, he lost his job, so I have been supporting us financially on a low income. I am currently heavily pregnant. Partners family have been saying they will help out but so far, I have been left to pay for everything. To top things off, the family have caused a rift between me and my partner over heirlooms. I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable or not?
Basically there is a family tradition to give girls in the family the name Elsie. There's an old painting of the original Elsie, wearing a few items of jewellery, which apparently are worth a considerable amount of money. The family are expected to pass the name down to keep the tradition going, and the Elsie of each generation gets handed the painting and the antique jewellery.
My partners mum is the current Elsie, and as we are expecting a girl, my partner has talked me into giving our daughter the name.
Only I have just found out that my partners mum is not even in possession of the antique haul despite being the rightful owner. Turns out that when my partner's grandfather died, his aunt basically went through all of his belongings and helped herself. She even took the Elsie heirlooms.
My partner's mum has just allowed it and won't even challenge her sister as she doesn't want to cause an argument.
So as a result, I've decided that I'm not going to call my baby Elsie, seeing as she will never receive the heirlooms. And now my partner is in a right strop over it, acting like I am in the wrong. Yet i wasn't the one who was cornered into giving my child a name based upon false pretences. And quite frankly I am fed up of struggling in an overcrowded council flat, paying to wipe my partner's backside for him, whilst his relatives are all living in massive gated equestrian properties with their collections of luxury cars. Am I the one in the wrong here?

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 16/09/2020 08:31

This sounds like a reverse...

frazzledasarock · 16/09/2020 08:32

You do sound like you’re in it for the money.

Call your baby whatever you and your parent want.

Don’t expect to be financed by your partners family, that’s so odd. Why would they pay your bills even if they’re minted.

If you’re fed up with paying for your partner ask him to move out. Being rude n a relationship with a someone from a wealthy family doesn’t necessarily follow that you will also be given their wealth.

Gorganzolabrie · 16/09/2020 08:34

Cool story bro

JovialNickname · 16/09/2020 08:34

I wish I had these problems

Angelina82 · 16/09/2020 08:38

You sound like a right money grabber. Maybe your in-laws have seen through you and that’s why they have decided not to help you out. Call your baby what you want, but your partner should get a say in the name too.

MilkRunningOutAgain · 16/09/2020 08:44

I named my DD after her 2 grandmothers. Unfortunately zero inheritance from either one! Can’t say that was a deciding factor in naming my DD. Don’t be so grabby! Adult households should support themselves, it won’t help to rely on money from family which may never materialise.

I’m sorry to hear that your DH has lost his job because of Covid and I hope he manages to find a new job soon. It must be worrying with the baby coming soon. This should be your focus really - helping DH to get a job - and of course preparation for the baby.

Socksey · 16/09/2020 08:44

I don't think the OP sounds like a money grabber.... more like a tired pregnant woman doing all the physical and mental work on the marriage while her DH gets to mope about with no job etc..... he is obviously going with the idea that his family will help him out in his hour of need....
He wanted to impose a family name on the baby , with the idea that the baby would receive family heirlooms and that looks like it's not happening so OP doesn't want to go ahead with a name she didn't want.... and she's tired and fed up...

Anydreamwilldo12 · 16/09/2020 08:45

Oo those bloody family heirlooms cause all sorts of bother.

SavoyCabbage · 16/09/2020 08:48

I wouldn't want heirlooms! What a responsibility, especially in a flat.

It's not up to your partner's family to support him. And certainly not you. Perhaps they are sick of him. He needs to get a job. What his parents have is nothing to do with that.

I think both parents need to agree when naming a baby. My dh's family had a naming tradition and we didn't carry it on.

I wouldn't name my baby after a person I didn't like.

Lifeisabeach09 · 16/09/2020 08:49

Agree with Socksey.
I also feel that if a family have the means to help out poor family members, they should barring fractious relationships. I would never see my siblings/children struggle financially if I was loaded (assuming OP's in-laws are).

Screw the heirlooms, OP, call your baby what you want.

Cocomarine · 16/09/2020 08:52

I’m picturing some huge gilt framed ugly old painted of Elsie mark 1 propped up in the hallway of your over crowded council flat!

Fuck that.

YABU to be cross that they’re in big houses and you’re not... it’s their money, earned or otherwise. Presumably you already had that differential before Covid job loss and getting pregnant with Elsie the VIth?

It’s shit if a wealthy family won’t help their son in difficult times... but has he actually asked?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 16/09/2020 08:53

You need to separate out the issues.

  1. You were sold the tradition under false pretences. If you are feeling generous I would use Elsie as a middle name.
  2. Your financial situation is tough, but that is no ones fault. Is your dp looking for work? What did he do before? Is he claiming benefits he is entitled to?
  3. ILs saying they would help out and then not doing so. They arent obliged to, but they said they would. Even more hurtful when thry have more. But have you asked them what they meant? Have they said specifically we will pay for x? Or did they mean help out with baby sitting?

Is there a history of them saying one thing and then that not being quite true?

dontdisturbmenow · 16/09/2020 08:54

Cant believe the replies on here. OP is heavily pregnant and financing a man who comes from a very wealthy family, and who is also trying to impose a name choice on the OP
OP hasn't said the name was imposed. He is now annoyed with OP, maybe because he now sees she was only prepared to uphold the family tradition if it came with the heirlooms and he's disgusted with her attitude.

Maybe the family's wealth is tied with assets and they don't have much cash to give anyway. Maybe they don't want to set precedence that every time they struggle they will be expected to bail them out.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 16/09/2020 08:57

Forget his family and the silly name , why is your husband allowing you to support him while heavily pregnant? Does he think hes too posh to work in Tesco or Amazon.
I lost my job due to covid too and have managed to start a new one within 4 weeks - I got lots of rejections and im not doing my dream job but needs must !

Byallmeans · 16/09/2020 09:01

@Socksey

I don't think the OP sounds like a money grabber.... more like a tired pregnant woman doing all the physical and mental work on the marriage while her DH gets to mope about with no job etc..... he is obviously going with the idea that his family will help him out in his hour of need.... He wanted to impose a family name on the baby , with the idea that the baby would receive family heirlooms and that looks like it's not happening so OP doesn't want to go ahead with a name she didn't want.... and she's tired and fed up...
This 100%

Also they might have property but might be cash poor. And the heirlooms ( if you followed tradition) wouldn’t have been able to be sold anyway.

Name your child what you want and get him moving on finding another job sharpish. Don’t rely on money that’s never going to materialise.

Florencex · 16/09/2020 09:02

It is up to you and your DH to get yourself out of a council flat if you don’t want to live there. As he has lost his job, it is up to you to support the family until he finds another job.

Your announcement that you are going back on the agreement to call the baby Elsie because you are not going to get a painting and jewellery is disgusting and I am not surprised he is angry. He has probably just woken up to what a money grabbing piece of work you are. I can’t believe you were even willing to name a baby on the basis of getting something for it rather than to continue a tradition.

His family have done nothing wrong, his mother has a lot more dignity than you. To be honest I am so incredulous I am wondering if this is true. 🧐

RandomUser3049 · 16/09/2020 09:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/09/2020 09:08

I didn’t read anywhere that he isn’t looking for work or doing no housework...

lioncitygirl · 16/09/2020 09:09

Here for the deletion 🍿

nhsnamechange · 16/09/2020 09:12

I'll wait for HQ on this one

dancinfeet · 16/09/2020 09:25

Sounds crazy. Tell your partner to step up and help out, it's not up to his family to fund you, the two adults in your own household need to provide for the children. I personally don't like the name Elsie so wouldn't use it, possibly as a middle name. My daughters have their African names as middle names, which are inherited family names, but ex h was adamant that he did not want them as first names, and that we should be free to choose our daughter's first names ourselves.

dancinfeet · 16/09/2020 09:26

We didnt get any heirlooms along with our inherited names though!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 16/09/2020 09:43

You say "Partner"

Maybe his family don't want to risk you having Elsie's Heirlooms ( good name for a Pawn Shop) in case you bugger off .
Maybe they want you to be married so the heirlooms will stay in their family ?

Beautiful3 · 16/09/2020 11:07

I love that name. I think you should call her what ever you like. But to choose bot to because you "dont get anything" is absurd.

ImaSababa · 16/09/2020 11:10

Sounds like the plot of a novel. "The Elsie Heirlooms".