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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my friend is maybe a mug

64 replies

Limeandlemon · 15/09/2020 22:51

My friend recently got engaged to this guy she’s been with for about two years.
She is super gorgeous, is quite wealthy. She owns a sports car, has just recently bought a really nice house with massive garden, just bought a big fancy bbq, garden furniture and had a big party in her back garden.
She has pets with this guy too and she is very homely and motherly. She cooks all the time, has the place pristine, posts all over Instagram of her home and pets, and pics of them two. Every post features him in it.
Here is why I don’t like him.
He has an 11 year old child from his first relationship, her mother was a stripper when they met at a strip club. He doesn’t see this child at all. Has nothing to do with her.
He has a nine year old child to someone else, he was head over heels with at first now it has fizzled out and he doesn’t see his child. I don’t know why but the mother stays in the same town as them.
I get the feeling his feet are well and truly under the table and she’s living in this domestic bubble and she will soon be wanting babies to this guy.

He does contribute financially to the home as he works but she is the bread winner by far.
Anything like cars, home improvements, designer clothes come from her.
Major alarm bells are ringing as he doesn’t see his two kids.
I think she loves to paint an Instagram perfect life of little miss domestic goddess and he’s lapping it up getting all his cleaning done, meals cooked and has a beautiful woman on his arm. Yet his kids aren’t part of that picture.
Aibu to think he’s just a shit?

OP posts:
SD1978 · 15/09/2020 22:55

Unfortunately your post kinda sounds bitter- which I think is going to get the point you're trying to make get derailed. Is it crap he doesn't see his kids- yes. Does he pay child support for them? You've said he does contribute financially, but is a lower earner than your friend- so they wouldn't be able to contribute 50/50- which happens in many relationships. Not k owing the backstory about the kids, I don't see how anyone could comment, and your friend has more disposable income, so has bought more into the relationship- again not uncommon.

footprintsintheslow · 15/09/2020 22:59

It would put be off a friendship/relationship with anyone that has two children that they don't see.

Plus I don't think you sound bitter at all.

Limeandlemon · 15/09/2020 23:00

Yes reading back it does sound bitter. I love my friend and just think she deserves better than a weasel that doesn’t see his kids.
If I’m honest her Instagram boasting does annoy me as she does look for validation and makes out her life and relationship is perfect. Very showy when really this guy is just a shit.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/09/2020 23:03

@Limeandlemon

Yes reading back it does sound bitter. I love my friend and just think she deserves better than a weasel that doesn’t see his kids. If I’m honest her Instagram boasting does annoy me as she does look for validation and makes out her life and relationship is perfect. Very showy when really this guy is just a shit.
Is he shit or is your bitterness clouding your view and making you assume certain things about him?

I'm assuming you don't know the ins and outs of his relationships with his kids etc?

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 15/09/2020 23:06

You don’t have to like him

When someone is in love they absolutely will not listen and will overlook someone’s bad points, past etc

We mostly have all been foolish in love And as you say she is looking for validation maybe he gives her that who knows

But I would just accept its your friends choice and hopefully she will decide one day he isn’t so great after all

Anordinarymum · 15/09/2020 23:10

@Limeandlemon

Yes reading back it does sound bitter. I love my friend and just think she deserves better than a weasel that doesn’t see his kids. If I’m honest her Instagram boasting does annoy me as she does look for validation and makes out her life and relationship is perfect. Very showy when really this guy is just a shit.
You don't know what is going on in your friend's head. You may know all this other stuff but you don't know if she posts all this stuff because she wants people to think she is happy when she may not be.

You say she is this super gorgeous wealthy lady so I am assuming she is intelligent enough to have thought about the guy not seeing his children.
How old is your friend if you don't mind me asking ? Is her biological clock ticking ??

Limeandlemon · 15/09/2020 23:16

She’s 30, he’s 35.
I knew him before they got together, small town and he was a right jack the lad, Irishman. Slept with a lot of girls in the town. Relationships ended quickly. This is the longest one he’s had.

OP posts:
popsydoodle4444 · 15/09/2020 23:18

I think you have a right to be concerned about your friend.

I don't think you sound bitter or jealous as some people are saying;I think your setting the scene as to what's going on;your friend had a nice life style and things she's paid for and she had a cock lodger who's taking advantage of these nice things,is treating her like a maid and is getting sex out of a nice looking woman too to boot.

Yes she is in a bubble with her instagram perfect life and fella but if I was her I wouldn't expect commitment from this bloke.

If I was single and I met a bloke,even if he seemed like the best thing since sliced bread the words "I've got 2 kids to 2 different women and I nothing to do with them" would make my vagina shrivelled up.I honestly have no idea why women intentionally involve themselves with dickheads who walk away from their kids and then chose to try and have kids with said dickheads.

Jenstar123 · 15/09/2020 23:29

If I’m honest her Instagram boasting does annoy me as she does look for validation and makes out her life and relationship is perfect. Very showy when really this guy is just a shit.

You sound jealous and spiteful. How do you know your friend is posting for validation and not just because she is happy and enjoying her life? Its really not your place to judge. I would suggest you mind your own business and keep your strong opinions about her BF being ‘just a shit’ to yourself if you don’t want to loose a friendship.

Crocciesnap · 15/09/2020 23:40

People who post all this perfect life stuff on Instagram etc. are posting for really superficial reasons. Either to boost their own self-esteem or to boast. I also cannot imagine being able to feel comfortable in a relationship with a man who was happy to have no relationship with his own kids. He must have no emotional depth and be very selfish. Hardly judgemental to wonder if someone wealthy and attractive might be being taken in by someone like this!

Anordinarymum · 15/09/2020 23:42

Does she know about his history OP?

IncandescentSilver · 15/09/2020 23:43

Its nice that you are concerned (although some will criticise you for it) because often friends notice things that those in a relationship don't. But I think a previous poster is right in saying that she won't listen when she is in love.

He sounds like a bit of practised "artist" in getting women interested and probably knows how to fake being the perfect boyfriend and in saying the right things. And he was probably available at the right time and flirty with her.

I think he sounds awful. Some people do seem to like partners who don't challenge them but this sounds as though he's done a number on her. I think you will have to choose your words carefully with her as he will take her side until he cocks up (usually by cheating) as this type invariably do.

SuzieQQQ · 15/09/2020 23:44

I don’t think you sound bitter, I think you sound realistic. If she feels the need to post her perfect life on Instagram to me that just screams insecurity. It’s a bit sad.

SBTLove · 15/09/2020 23:48

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StillCoughingandLaughing · 15/09/2020 23:57

What is it you think your friend sees in him? Does he have any good qualities that may be blinding her to potential issues?

Monty27 · 16/09/2020 00:00

Op what's with the Irish man comment?

Connelloni · 16/09/2020 00:06

His nationality is completely irrelevant and you’re exposing your own bias.

I agree that I wouldn’t want to be involved with someone who had two children by two different women and saw neither of them, as that implies the problem is definitely with him.

However it is up to your friend and there’s nothing you can do.

user1481840227 · 16/09/2020 00:12

@Limeandlemon

Yes reading back it does sound bitter. I love my friend and just think she deserves better than a weasel that doesn’t see his kids. If I’m honest her Instagram boasting does annoy me as she does look for validation and makes out her life and relationship is perfect. Very showy when really this guy is just a shit.
His kids deserve better. The mothers of the kids deserve better....but your friend is choosing to stay with him, knowing what he's like...if she has babies with him then she's very stupid!
user1468538201 · 16/09/2020 00:38

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1forAll74 · 16/09/2020 01:27

You need to leave these two people to lead there own lives. If she is your friend, then I don't think she would be happy, to know that you have been posting all about her lifestyle on here. You should wait and see how their lives pan out, good or not so good, until giving your verdict on them both.

Monty27 · 16/09/2020 04:06

I hope they're both very happy 💓

Elsewyre · 16/09/2020 04:25

Is this a bit of a Sappho friendship?

greenteafiend · 16/09/2020 05:21

I think it's possible for the OP to be prejudiced about his being Irish, AND for the guy also to be genuinely dodgy for other reasons.

As for the relevance of his ex being a stripper--ahem, I'm pretty sure that the relevance is that this is probably a guy who spends time hanging around strip clubs. I have no particular beef with women who work in the sex trade and its adjuncts, but my God there are some unpleasant men hanging about in those industries.

Yes, I think your friend is a mug. How old is she? Is she desperate for kids soon?

LadyH846 · 16/09/2020 06:12

@SBTLove

And the relevance of his ex being a stripper or him being Irish would be? Yes he’s a shit but you’re a judgy snob.
It's relevant because he was visiting a strip club. Speaks volumes about his character.
PopsicleHustler · 16/09/2020 06:38

So because someone has children from a previous relationship means they are a weasel

You sound terrific