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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My Sil is really starting to annoy me.

54 replies

Sunshineandalltherainbows · 15/09/2020 21:12

So I may be unreasonable and am willing to be told so.
So once a fortnight my pil will pick up my sons one eve a week after school and spend 1:1 time with them. We seem them as a while family as well but they like having time on their own with each of them. They also do this with my niece exactly the same. My eldest son has autism and this is time he really enjoys but it's not like I ask them for childcare if that makes sense. We also see them frequently as a family as well.
My sil is not very understanding with how my son is different. It actually has led to my nil and sil falling out over it which me and my husband found awkward and felt sorry for my mil but ultimately were not happy that she can be nasty at times. She's called him a weirdo, freak before because he is different. She tells us that we need to discipline him for being rude as he doesn't wave and say hello when she comes in.
Well today after school my son was at my pils and they had planned they were going to make pizza all lovely. My sil came round with her daughter who is 4. Niece went over to my son and kept putting her orange under his nose (he really doesn't like the smell of oranges and she's seen him react to that before). My son was abrupt with niece and said get that away from me. Sil then shouted at my son and said you don't speak to her like that. It's bizarre a boy at your age not liking oranges ill put your face in one one day. He then had a meltdown and wouldn't stop crying. My mil asked her to leave and called me to come and get him as he was very upset.
It's just left me feeling like why would an adult lack so much empathy for a child who she's known for the 10 years he's been alive and has been diagnosed since 4 knowing he has additional needs at time. I think she's cruel. I really love my pils and don't want to fall out with them at all but it leaves me thinking I don't want my son round without me there.
Quite honestly feel like this is the final straw with my sil I can't speak to her as I'm too angry.

OP posts:

nervousnelly8 · 15/09/2020 21:15

I don't think YABU to be upset with SIL, she sounds unhinged. But I think it would be sad for your son and for your PIL to stop the arrangement - it sounds like MIL reacted appropriately in the situation? I think I would be asking DH to have a word with his sister.

Time4change2018 · 15/09/2020 21:17

I'm pleased to hear she was asked to leave. Can they stop her coming over when he visits without you or is it possible to have the visit at your home away from sil visiting ?

Porridgeoat · 15/09/2020 21:17

Educate educate educate!

Send her some links to some autism websites to increase her understanding.

Send her one a day for a month if feeling cross enough

Porridgeoat · 15/09/2020 21:18

But high five to your PIL and MIL! Perfect reaction

Matilda400 · 15/09/2020 21:18

What a nasty thing for her to say.

Could you not just say to PILS you are happy for him still to visit but not at the same time as SIL? They have now seen what she has said to him so I'm sure would understand.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 15/09/2020 21:20

I would definitely tell mil that the kids can't be around SIL, so mil must ensure this doesn't happen when the DC are in her care. Sounds like she did the right thing but you have to stress that SIL is never to be around your children again.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/09/2020 21:20

If it was just ignorance I'd say education would work but she is bullying a disabled child, that's not just stupidity that's nastiness. I think make sure that SiL is not due to visit whenever he is there. She sounds absolutely vile, doing that to your son is really and truly disgusting behaviour and there is nothing that can excuse jt

imissthesouth · 15/09/2020 21:22

She sounds nasty and unhinged, definitely cut ties with her. Your poor son :(

DaphneFanshaw · 15/09/2020 21:22

for you.
Your poor ds.
It doesn’t sound like you’ll have to fall out with your mil.
She asked sil to leave it’s not like she is minimising her actions.
Tbh I would consider Cutting contact with sil if she is going to be that horrible to your ds.

blanchmange50 · 15/09/2020 21:23

you need to speak to your SIL...being too angry isnt going to cut it. She has chosen to ignore your DS specific needs and is being disabilist in her attitude. If she took her time to understand the bringing together of the cousins could be a nice experience. My sisters youngest has down syndrome and he has a great relationship with his cousins because they have adults around who have ensure there DC appreciate and understand his differing needs...

LakieLady · 15/09/2020 21:24

She's an absolute fucking bitch, totally lacking in empathy, disrespectful of your DS's needs and bordering on cruel.

I wouldn't have anything to do with her and explain to your DPs that you want to keep your DS away from her unless you are also present so you can intervene if necessary.

Your DPs can then choose whether to explain to your SIL that she's not welcome when your DS is there or to see less of him. This may sound like putting them in a difficult position, but it at least gives them a choice.

The other alternative would be for you only to let DS visit your DPs when you can be present, too. You'd still have to explain why, imo.

Your SIL sounds like a very nasty piece of work. Her behaviour towards your DS is abusive imo. What kind of adult treats a child with AN like that? She sounds absolutely appalling.

LakieLady · 15/09/2020 21:26

Sorry, I meant PILs, not DPs. This made me so cross that I lost the plot for a few moments.

ColleagueFromMars · 15/09/2020 21:26

yeah that's bullying. I think MIL needs to tell her she can't come round when he's there if that's how she's going to act.

Poor kid. That's not an appropriate way to behalf around a neurotypical kid ffs.

cheeseycharlie · 15/09/2020 21:26

YANBU. What shocking attitude and behaviour. Sadly she's teaching her DD your niece to behave the same. If you're going to educate SIL are you able to include your niece in the conversation? She's not born mean she's learning it and it's not too late to guide her towards a more understanding and kinder attitude

Travis1 · 15/09/2020 21:45

Oh fuck not the answer but I’d be round ‘putting her face in’ 🤬🤬

Original poster

Sunshineandalltherainbows · 15/09/2020 21:46

Thanks for the responses.
I'm keen to keep up the visits with pils they both really enjoy them. I just can't have the risk of my sil coming in and doing anything like that. His self esteem is low anyway and that will have just added to his already huge anxious state as adapting to school again has been very hard.
My pils were great and would read lots of things and always asked us to send any information over. I don't have my parents around so they have been absolutely amazing and I love them so much. My sil was never this bad before her daughter was born. My husband thinks a lot is jealousy and she doesn't like that her daughter isn't seen more than our boys. She has made comments when she was pregnant that grandparents are always closes to their daughters children, this hasn't happened and I guess maybe my husband is right and it's annoyed her. She isn't like it with my younger son so it does seem targeted which just as a parent does not sit right with me at all.
My mil is protective over my eldest and knows that he needs a little more help with thinvs the other two don't even though he's older. He has a 1:1 at school and even know does very well in maths he is extremely immature and is anxious and needs help with emotional support to access learning.
My fil text me and said he wants to rearrange and do something nice to make up for what happened. I just don't want to say can you make sure sil isn't round as that's their daughter so think I will get husband to speak to them instead.
He's text her saying she's a bully and the world doesn't revolve around her and he wouldn't go round when her daughter was round their parents house and would never belittle or shout at niece.
Educstion is always preferred as it is more long term I just can't do that atm. I want to punch her as its raw and I feel angrier the more I think about it.

OP posts:

StarchyStanley · 15/09/2020 21:52

I'm so glad your DH has sent them that text tbh. She sounds absolutely vile. I also wouldn't want my dc to be there while she was. Your PILs sound lovely and your DH sounds great too. Shame about the SIL! But avoid is the best thing. I totally understand why you don't feel like educating her at the moment either.

LouiseTrees · 15/09/2020 21:56

Get the parents in law to have him/ your two alone but at your house. That way she doesn’t get to just walk in . You shouldn’t have to amend your life for her but that’s one way of very little change to your lives but less chance for her to engage negatively.

lyralalala · 15/09/2020 21:58

She sounds vile.

I think you should speak to your ILs and ask them what they plan to do. Kicking her out is a big thing so it shows they don't take her nonsense.

You might find they've already told her not to come round.

It sounds like they'd be perfectly understanding if you said you don't want her there when your DS is there. If they are happy to do that then there would be no reason to stop him going

hypochondriaceveywhere · 15/09/2020 21:58

Let your husband deal with his sister and tell his parents she shouldn't be around the same time as your son. Don't stop the visits if your son enjoys them.

ReallyLazy · 15/09/2020 22:01

Aww. I'm so sorry this happened to your boy.
What an awful person she is. Your PIL sound wonderful. As does your DH. Let him deal with it all.

Have a glass off wine when the kids go to sleep and take a moment to calm yourself.

Having another activity with PIL sounds like a lovely idea. Something positive to put in DSs mind as quickly as possible after the nasty incident.

Cryalot2 · 15/09/2020 22:06

this made me so angry for both you and your dc and pil.
How could anyone be so cruel . It is criminal to abuse a disabled person.
Is she just an ill mannered moron or is she on drugs or something?
No excuse for her behaviour. She may well be jealous. Your mil behaved excellent. Do not let this vile person spoil your sons time with pil. Try and arrange that she is never there when you or sons are.
Good wishes sorry no real help.

Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2020 22:14

You know what OP? She’s horrid and nasty but try to look on the positive side - you have supportive and caring PILs and a husband who cares for and advocates for your son and isn’t afraid to stand up to his family.

It should be a given but if you’re a regular here you’ll know it isn’t.

You sound like you do a great job with your family - stay away from the nasty SIL and be unapologetic about it.

ChimpyChops · 15/09/2020 22:27

You sound like you have extremely supportive PILs. I am so glad they sent her packing. What a witch.

She wouldn't be back around my children for a long time if it were me, I think it is important to show him that behaviour like this should not be tolerated, which you are all doing.

Did she reply to your husband yet?

Suzi888 · 15/09/2020 22:27

She sounds like a nasty piece of work.. she needs to educate herself.

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