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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Sil is really starting to annoy me.

54 replies

Sunshineandalltherainbows · 15/09/2020 21:12

So I may be unreasonable and am willing to be told so.
So once a fortnight my pil will pick up my sons one eve a week after school and spend 1:1 time with them. We seem them as a while family as well but they like having time on their own with each of them. They also do this with my niece exactly the same. My eldest son has autism and this is time he really enjoys but it's not like I ask them for childcare if that makes sense. We also see them frequently as a family as well.
My sil is not very understanding with how my son is different. It actually has led to my nil and sil falling out over it which me and my husband found awkward and felt sorry for my mil but ultimately were not happy that she can be nasty at times. She's called him a weirdo, freak before because he is different. She tells us that we need to discipline him for being rude as he doesn't wave and say hello when she comes in.
Well today after school my son was at my pils and they had planned they were going to make pizza all lovely. My sil came round with her daughter who is 4. Niece went over to my son and kept putting her orange under his nose (he really doesn't like the smell of oranges and she's seen him react to that before). My son was abrupt with niece and said get that away from me. Sil then shouted at my son and said you don't speak to her like that. It's bizarre a boy at your age not liking oranges ill put your face in one one day. He then had a meltdown and wouldn't stop crying. My mil asked her to leave and called me to come and get him as he was very upset.
It's just left me feeling like why would an adult lack so much empathy for a child who she's known for the 10 years he's been alive and has been diagnosed since 4 knowing he has additional needs at time. I think she's cruel. I really love my pils and don't want to fall out with them at all but it leaves me thinking I don't want my son round without me there.
Quite honestly feel like this is the final straw with my sil I can't speak to her as I'm too angry.

OP posts:
MilkOfThePuppy · 15/09/2020 22:30

If your husband can get his parents to agree that SIL can't come by while your sons are visiting, that seems like the best first step. If they have the kind of relationship where she just drops by unannounced, it may stir up more trouble with her, but she must know she's in the wrong.

She clearly doesn't like your son, for whatever reason, but she needs putting in her place by someone (her parents, if they would... or your husband). She doesn't have to like him, so long as she's respectful and doesn't mistreat him. She's an adult and can protect her child without shouting at your son. Someone needs to spell this out to her, clearly and calmly, and tell her that if she shouts at him again, your family will stop interacting with her.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/09/2020 22:36

YANBU That’s abuse. She said that because she knew it would upset your son. There’s no other reason. What kind of odd ball enjoys a child’s upset. I think she needs looking at, tbh.
The nasty vindictive disablist bullying cunt.
By the looks of things she’s got her child going the same way.
I’d say for my language but I’m not sorry.
I detest fucking bullies. Angry

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/09/2020 22:37

I’m glad your mil had his back, bless him.

nanbread · 15/09/2020 22:44

What a fucking bitch! I bet she is jealous. Awful. How old is she?

Definitely find a safe outlet for your rage and let it all out, so you can deal with her as calmly as possible should you see her again.

Your PIL sound lovely.

gingerbiscuits · 15/09/2020 22:47

Your pil sound awesome - their daughter, on the other hand, sounds like a selfish, immature, nasty bitch!

Can your hubby deal? Be blunt with his sister? She needs putting back in her box!!

Shizzlestix · 15/09/2020 22:49

What a nasty cow! She sounds incredibly immature.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 15/09/2020 22:57

You SIL sounds like a right Tw*t.
Glad your PIL can see it but I do think she needs educated but she should have educated herself right from the start!!!

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 15/09/2020 23:03

I’m actually horrified that anyone could treat a member of their family that has additional needs, like this. My youngest is on the diagnosis pathway, so not even diagnosed yet, but if my SIL or anyone in my family spoke to my child like that or about them like that ever, they wouldn’t be getting a second opportunity. Do not feel like you need permission to go batshit on her. You absolutely do. What a nasty, selfish, ignorant woman and a narcissist to boot! Thank goodness your PIL’s have common sense and nurture a supportive relationship with your children. Your SIL doesn’t deserve a relationship with any of you.

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 15/09/2020 23:04

*absolutely don’t 🤦🏻‍♀️😬

Didkdt · 15/09/2020 23:09

Can you ask your ILs how this can be stopped from happening again?
I'm sorry it happened

upsidedownwavylegs · 15/09/2020 23:10

There wouldn’t be a situation where I could see someone who had said that to my disabled child and not assault them, and I don’t see why you should get in trouble on her account, so I’d never be seeing her again 🤷🏻‍♀️

ktp100 · 15/09/2020 23:12

What a nasty cow she is!!

And how ironic that she's critical of your son for not saying hello or waving, refusing to take his autism into account, but she thinks it's just fine for her daughter to taunt your son with something she knows he dislikes and he's not allowed to retaliate.

She's a pure twat. And your DH is right, she's a bully too!

Your IL's sound amazing! Why not pop round and have a drink with them, let them see that you're not upset with them and explain why moving forward SIL needs to stay away while your son is there?

It would be a dreadful shame to change an arrangement that everyone loves (apart from bitch face!!).

You've done so well not marching round there and smacking her one, OP!

funnylittlefloozie · 15/09/2020 23:24

Firstly, your MIL and FIL sound like lovely people. I cant abide bullies though, so i would be having a quiet - but non-negotiable -

conversation with my SIL about how she needs to wind her skanky neck in before there is real trouble.

ddl1 · 15/09/2020 23:24

That is awful! This is more than just lack of full understanding; it is real bullying. Even if a child were not autistic, but just strongly disliked oranges (or any specific food), it would be unacceptable behaviour. Your PILs sound great, however.

1frenchfoodie · 15/09/2020 23:26

Your PIL sound absolutely lovely, what do they see as the best solution to be able to spend time with your sons and ensure your monumentally stupid and crass SIL doesn’t wreck it?

DarkDarkNight · 15/09/2020 23:31

She sounds incredibly ignorant and insensitive to call your son rude and say he needs disciplined. She also sounds jealous of your in laws having one on one time with you son, even though you say they do the same for your niece. It would be nice if she could respect that and stay away on that day especially as she can’t behave herself. Good on you or in laws for telling her to go.

lborgia · 15/09/2020 23:34

Honestly, I understand how you’re feeling, but eventually you’ll be able to see that SIL is entirely isolated in her situation, which is great.

She was asked to leave, your DH is handling her, and your PILS sound as if they’re very happy to take their cue from you.

Therefore, this is a horrendous situation, but it’s all being dealt with in just the right way.

You can’t do anything about her appalling behaviour, but at least everyone else sounds human. Presumably there’s nothing to stop her daughter spending more time with her grandparents if she wants?

I have a SIL like this, and it’s had a huge impact on my whole life, marriage, everything. Mostly because her parents and my DH won’t tackle it. They recognise it, but they just look the other way. Seize the moment, and make sure that it is clear that she will not be able to visit PILS whilst your sons are there. It doesn’t sound as if they’d disagree.

eggsandwich · 15/09/2020 23:34

This needs to be sorted asap otherwise you’re Sil dd will start to copy her mother.

I suggest that your Dh has a family meeting with his parents and sister to iron out what her issues are with regards to your son and that any further bullying by her WILL NOT be tolerated.

BluePheasant · 15/09/2020 23:42

What an absolute bully and even more sad is that she is teaching her daughter to be a bully as well Sad

What a relief that PILs are understanding and protective of DS. They must be appalled at her behaviour.

She does sound jealous but honestly can't understand why when it sounds like your PIL are very fair with their time.

This example was obviously awful but it sounds like the nasty comments have been going on for years so it's time for a discussion with PIL for a complete zero tolerance stance with her otherwise you will have to consider not allowing your children to ever be around her.

ThreeLocusts · 15/09/2020 23:46

Any chance sister in law is jealous - thinks your son gets too much accommodation/attention at the expense of her 'normal' child?

To be clear, that does not in any way excuse her behaviour. I think it is fine for you to say that given what just happened, you'd prefer your SIL not to be around your son for the foreseeable. Of course it makes things more complicated, but your PIL sound like they'd understand.

houselikeashed · 15/09/2020 23:50

Do you know what would be interesting, if you could be calm enough, or bothered enough with the waste of space she is, is to ask her what happened. Say to her you heard something happened, and could she explain to you what went off. Then you could explain that you are still trying to teach him what sort of reactions are considered acceptable, or rude etc etc etc.
I hope your ds is ok.

AGoatAteIt · 15/09/2020 23:57

Tbh I don’t think educating this awful woman about autism is the answer- the child is 10 and has had a Diagnosis for 6 years. If she wanted to be informed she would be by now. The reason she’s behaving this way is that she’s a bully and your son is an easy target in her eyes. She’d not be allowed near my child after calling him a freak and a weirdo, let alone threatening him today.

On the upside your son has a wonderful relationship with his grandparents who clearly love him and are prepared to protect him. I would definitely want to keep up the visits to see them but the bitch of a SIL can’t be there when your son is, ever. Her behaviour is a danger to your son’s emotional well-being and mental health.

Notfeelinggreattoday · 16/09/2020 01:01

Your pil sound lovely and did right thing and your dh should speak to them to explain that you don't want them around sil
But your calmer than me as i would of probably been in my sil doorstep had she of spoken and threatened my child like that
Glad you dh sent text to her calling her out as a bully - has she responded
I

Notfeelinggreattoday · 16/09/2020 01:04

Your children around ail i mean

FuckYouCorona · 16/09/2020 01:58

What a cunt. If anyone spoke that way about my DC I'd be putting their face in. Angry