Can an abuser ever change?

[HopeFading]

For context... he’s been violent in the past, not anymore. He’s learned to walk away from a situation instead of using his fists, or throwing something at me, or putting his hands around my neck. And this is all historic (over 3 years ago) so I guess he has changed in that respect (or he just hasn’t relapsed yet).

But the verbal abuse continues every time he is angry. Calls me the C word, says I’m a F’ing B*tch. Just for something as minor as disagreeing with him over something. He has mental health issues which he is getting treatment for but nothing seems to work, definite anger issues, depression, and knows he’s out of order but can’t control his foul mouth. We are married with young children (all under 10).

Obviously I feel like a weak idiot and I don’t know why I stay with him but I’m just not strong enough to leave yet. Mainly due to finances. I would really struggle to provide for the kids on my own if I left and I have also heard him suggest that if I left he would make up stories about me being abusive to him and to the children, possibly meaning the kids could be taken away from me. I don’t have enough evidence of his abuse so I am terrified he could turn this around on me somehow. I have never hit him or the kids once. I don’t even swear and cannot stand it. How on Earth I ended up with him baffles me.

He has smacked the older kids a few times in the past, until I threatened to call the police on him - then he never did it again.

My question is can an abuser ever change? Will it ever fully end? Please tell me your stories, especially if they are hopeful. Does anger management therapy work? Has it worked on any of your partners? He has stopped the violence and it has been a long time but it’s the verbal abuse that I can’t deal with for much longer.

I know everyone is going to say LTB but I just can’t right now.

YABU - he will never ever change in a million years

YANBU - it is possible he could improve and the verbal abuse could end

Unfortunately no he won't change. He is choosing to treat you and the children like this. I've been through it myself so won't say LTB as I know its not as easy as that but I would definitely think about how and when you could leave.
I just got to a point where I thought if I died tomorrow I couldn't look back and say I enjoyed my life and that was all down to him.

I have worked in a rehabilitative capacity with perpetrators and yes some can change, however the situation and motivations have to be right, and barriers such as mental health and auctions need to be properly and consistently managed. I think it's highly unlikely your situation will change anytime soon (years) and in the meantime your children are subject to emotional and psychological abuse. It is incredibly damaging to them. Please seek support from women's aid or similar.

*addictions

No, not a chance. Cut your losses and leave now before he gets worse. Your children deserve better. So do you. Lose him.

You've also described a long term pattern of serious abuse of you as partner and the children, these aren't the cases that in my experience make changes

You're the one who can change your situation by leaving him

All that's changed is his method of delivering his abuse. For the sake of your children either leave or get him out, they must be terrified.

Yes I think it is doomed and I will eventually have to leave but not sure how or when.

I just wonder though does anger management work? I knew one woman who said it worked wonders on her H. He seems willing to try but I’m also understandably sceptical.

He doesn’t smack them or swear at them, so they don’t appear terrified, eg they will run and hug him when he comes home, want to be clung to him all day as he gives them a lot of hugs and kisses. Perhaps they don’t remember the smacking or perhaps it just wasn’t as bad as the way he has treated me

I work in mental health. I get so frustrated by people using mental health issues to justify abusive behaviour. The reality is that very very few people are aggressive as a consequence of being mentally ill. I suspect he is able to contain his anger in almost every other situation but not with you, that's not illness it's his choice.

Yeah, so he hasn't changed has he?

He's changed tack.

Call Woman's Aid and talk through your concerns about how to leave, so you can make an informed decision. Money, his threats of accusing you of abuse are common issues, you can get help.

Are you aware that attempted strangulation (hands round neck) is the strongest predictor that a man will go on to kill his partner?

Whether he can change or not, nothing can change his actions towards you in the past and my advice would be to find out how to leave and move on.

Abuse is about controlling you. Not anger. He has control of his anger, that's how he is able to use it to batter you into submission.

The children cling to him because they want their dad to love them. The fact that their dad is violent, unpredictable and nasty doesn't stop them being desperate for his affection and approval.

It is even easier for him to control them than you. They will contort themselves to do whatever they think will get "nice dad" who loves them to show up instead of the violent bully. They will blame themselves every time he hurts you and every time he hurts them.

Do not underestimate how much it will already have fucked with their heads.

He doesn't need to be physically violent at the moment because his other strategies are effective in keeping control of you. That's an indication you are being more profoundly abused, not less.

It's common for abusers to make threats about taking the children - it's just a tool to control you. You would be doing your children a huge disservice by staying because of that. Growing up in a home where abuse is normal ruins their life chances.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid about a refuge place or finances?

He hasn't changed has her, he's just adapted his abuse method & tactic by taking out the violent part. He's emotionally abusive now which can be equally danaging mentally .No ,unless they are self aware ,which he sounds like he isn't, they don't change. He's probably not conciously thought this through,but he's so hardwired to be abusive he's just changed his method. Did his childhood experience involve DV irdaily other violence? That will have modelled & set the behaviour template for his behavioural patterns now.

Just for something as minor as disagreeing with him over something.

Because it's about controlling you, not anger.

And that is why it will never end.

Please phone women's aid and discuss your options. This is not a life for you and your children. Be strong, they will thank you for it in the long run.

Thanks everyone. So much to think about here. I did not know that putting hands around my neck is a predictor that he could kill. To be honest I’ve never felt like he’s capable of actually killing anyone. He is very in control in a way, ie he did put hands around neck but did not press down if that makes sense.

I don’t mean to minimise it. I know this is horrific stuff and I need to leave. I haven’t called women’s aid because I’m terrified of going through with this. He will smear me and ruin me, to our friends, my family, my colleagues, online - it doesn’t matter that no one will believe him as many of these people already know how I’ve suffered, it doesn’t matter if it gets him in trouble, it will be humiliating nonetheless.

We have a beautiful 4 bedroom house, I know it sounds pathetic but the idea of moving into a refuge makes me feel sick - I’m trying to weigh up disruption to the children versus how much abuse they are actually experiencing - they really aren’t experiencing any but my fear is that they may again one day.

Is there a way to get him to leave without him being arrested (can you even get someone arrested for swearing at you?!)

You’re all absolutely right of course. It’s about control. And the majority of the time he’s able to control his anger - although it has got him in trouble with friends, family and work in the past. So I’m not sure to what extent he is actually able to control it outside our relationship. That’s what makes me wonder about whether anger management even works

Yes his childhood involved an older sibling who was violent Towards him. And who also Physically abuses his wife (i strongly suspect but also know to some extent)

Trust me, it is extremely damaging to your children and they need to be your priority. My mother should have left my father years ago. Instead we were forced to put up with verbal abuse from him until we could get out and make our own way in the world. They’re still together and he’s still calling her thick, stupid, bitch etc whenever things don’t go his way. My siblings and I can’t stand him and have nothing to do with him. Is this the family dynamic you want? It isn’t healthy or normal and you may be setting them up to stick with an abuser themselves. Please get some help to leave as soon as you can. Good luck xx

OP, read ‘Why Does He Do That’ by Lundy Bancroft. I know there’s a free downloadable version knocking around the internet somewhere, maybe someone will be able to point you in its direction.

In answer to your thread title, no, not really, or very rarely, and not without a lot of work on themselves.

And, the fact that he hasn’t thumped you lately means just that, he hasn’t thumped you lately. He still verbally abuses you. Verbal abuse isn’t the symptom of an anger problem, it’s the symptom of an abuse problem.

I am sure there are one or two isolated cases where people have changed. But, he has just changed his method from physical to verbal abuse. This is no life, for you or your children.
You deserve so much more.
So many people on here would be able to offer help and advice if you are open to leaving- and trust me, you CAN do it.

And, OP, kids know what is going on. Just because they dont’ tell you they do or you don’t think they do it doesn’t mean they don’t. They do, I promise.

Given his history of strangling, he remains a risk to your very life.