Can an abuser ever change?

[HopeFading]

For context... he’s been violent in the past, not anymore. He’s learned to walk away from a situation instead of using his fists, or throwing something at me, or putting his hands around my neck. And this is all historic (over 3 years ago) so I guess he has changed in that respect (or he just hasn’t relapsed yet).

But the verbal abuse continues every time he is angry. Calls me the C word, says I’m a F’ing B*tch. Just for something as minor as disagreeing with him over something. He has mental health issues which he is getting treatment for but nothing seems to work, definite anger issues, depression, and knows he’s out of order but can’t control his foul mouth. We are married with young children (all under 10).

Obviously I feel like a weak idiot and I don’t know why I stay with him but I’m just not strong enough to leave yet. Mainly due to finances. I would really struggle to provide for the kids on my own if I left and I have also heard him suggest that if I left he would make up stories about me being abusive to him and to the children, possibly meaning the kids could be taken away from me. I don’t have enough evidence of his abuse so I am terrified he could turn this around on me somehow. I have never hit him or the kids once. I don’t even swear and cannot stand it. How on Earth I ended up with him baffles me.

He has smacked the older kids a few times in the past, until I threatened to call the police on him - then he never did it again.

My question is can an abuser ever change? Will it ever fully end? Please tell me your stories, especially if they are hopeful. Does anger management therapy work? Has it worked on any of your partners? He has stopped the violence and it has been a long time but it’s the verbal abuse that I can’t deal with for much longer.

I know everyone is going to say LTB but I just can’t right now.

YABU - he will never ever change in a million years

YANBU - it is possible he could improve and the verbal abuse could end

Some but....
They need to admit wrong doing
They need to want to change
They need to address why they feeling that way
Very very long and difficult journey

See the change project.

The trouble is I don’t think I do deserve much more. I’m not terribly attractive, I’m extremely short, have put on a lot of weight since the kids were born, and I seem unable to lose it no matter what I try. My earning potential isn’t very high, though it’s enough that I would not be entitled to any help, and to be honest I don’t think anyone would ever look twice at me.

He says he wants to change. That helps try everything. He knows the language he uses towards me is disgusting.

Hmm not sure where the voting buttons went?

That he’ll try everything*

@HopeFading

The trouble is I don’t think I do deserve much more. I’m not terribly attractive, I’m extremely short, have put on a lot of weight since the kids were born, and I seem unable to lose it no matter what I try. My earning potential isn’t very high, though it’s enough that I would not be entitled to any help, and to be honest I don’t think anyone would ever look twice at me.

Oh,HopeFading, you are so much more than your appearance and earnings and how attractive you think you are. You are a human being with worth and one who deserves dignity and safety.

He won’t change, he hasn’t so far. He’s modified his behaviour in the sense he’s not physically hurting you but that’s because for now it suits him. He’s put his hands round your neck before. He could do that again. He could kill you one day.

You need to leave him and you can, you just need help to do that safely for you and your children. And they (your children) are experiencing abuse. And it will get worse for you and them as time goes on. You’re minimising it because this is so normal for you now. Don’t let that become normal for them. I know it’s difficult and painful but show them a life better than this. You and your children deserve better than this.

Thank you @KeepOnMovingForwards

He hasn't really changed has he.

Just fuck him off seriously, he's a joke of a man.

OP you are worth more than to live your life worrying about your safety, your children's safety and to have such low self esteem. Living in a 4 bed house is not worth it. You deserve a fresh start for you and your children. He won't change, but you can make a change. Best of luck xx

You’re all absolutely right. I need to get myself a SHL ASAP

Would you honestly look at any other woman, and think she deserved treatment like you are getting? Would you ever shout abuse at someone because you didn't think they were attractive enough to deserve any better? No? So why on earth do you believe you deserve this. I can promise you that you and your DC deserve better. I really hope one day you are strong enough to get it.

How can you stay with someone who has strangled you, hit you, called you a cunt?

You deserve more.

Your dc, who have no choice in this shot show, deserve much more.

They have a much higher chance of ending up in an abusive relationship because of the relationship you have modelled for them.

Just get out as soon as you can. For their sake.

Just sen your last message.

You are so much more than your appearance or earning potential!!

You deserve to live in peace without being verbally abused.

Your p will never change. Stop worrying about him and focus on you and the dc.

I love the DC to bits. I want them to be okay even if I’m not. I really hope I can find the courage to leave this abusive a**hole.

What you look like and how much you earn is irrelevant. You wouldn't look around your friends and say well she deserves to be treated well because she is rich but that other friend deserves a smack in the face because she's not so pretty.

If your husband is willing to change I suggest he does this on his own. If you want to give him the space and time to work on himself then do this apart. Otherwise your kids will grow up calling their partner a cunt or choose a partner that abuses them back. By the time he has actually changed, if it happens, it will be too late

OP, listen up. There is a strong possibility that this man will kill you. Yes, kill you. Damage your children beyond repair. There are not enough bedrooms in any house to compensate for this. You aren't thinking straight and that's because he has manipulated you to think the way you are. Please speak to Women's Aid.

So bit of an update... I’ve sent him packing tonight. He tried to pick another fight over something completely insignificant (think something as small as a tv programme we were watching ) and because I disagreed with his opinion he called me a F’ing D*ck ...yep. Just for “dismissing” his opinion And “shutting him down”. I didn’t do either of those things of course, I politely disagreed with a view he holds. But that was the final straw for me after reading all these comments. Told him to get lost and go stay somewhere else and he said he’d gladly go. Also said I think we need some space apart so he’s gone. Hallelujah

Well done! My DH has a problem with anger, he sometimes gets frustrated and swears and shouts and is obnoxious to be around, but he’s never ever sworn at me, or hurt me or our DS. There’s no excuse for anyone to speak to anyone the way he speaks to you. Anger and abuse are separate things and separate decisions he’s making.

Re losing weight, maybe have a look at figure 8 fitness, it’s dance-based workouts on an app, it’s very uplifting and works for lots of people (including me!) who’ve tried and got nowhere with anything else. Good luck.

Good luck OP, well done.

YAY😊
Hope has returned, go you✊
🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋

*I don't think I do deserve more
*
Than dying? Because gambling on the idea that he hasn't lost control whilst strangling you yet is living with terrible odds. He might kill you next time.

To men like this, they don't see your looks or your personality or your career prospects, they just see a punching bag. How long do you really believe he can limit his misogynistic hatred for before it explodes out of him worse than ever? What if this time he goes too far?

Obviously he sees your kids as punching bags too. Do they not deserve more?

These men will always try to convince you they are the exception to the rule and they can change. But can he? What is he actually doing about it? It's like hearing the alcoholic on his 4th or 5th drink saying that they are planning to quit. Don't tell me, show me. But they won't, because they are just saying what they need to. They have no intention of acting.

Intentional change is not a loud protestation and no action, it is a quiet transition through repeated conscious action. Is he somebody who has the willingness and the capacity to change? Is he self aware? Is he being truly honest?

Sorry just saw your update. Whoop 🙌🏼

Well done OP!

The relationship you have models expectations & norms to your children re what relationships should be. They will know what's going on, they pick up on mood & atmospheres. As a teacher I always knew by behaviour when things weren't good at home. It always showed itself come parents evening. The united front couples do, papering over the cracks , is really obvious. Leakage via body language, facial expressions ,little snide digs etc.

Oh, no contact lenses in & missed your update. Well done!!