Can an abuser ever change?

[HopeFading]

For context... he’s been violent in the past, not anymore. He’s learned to walk away from a situation instead of using his fists, or throwing something at me, or putting his hands around my neck. And this is all historic (over 3 years ago) so I guess he has changed in that respect (or he just hasn’t relapsed yet).

But the verbal abuse continues every time he is angry. Calls me the C word, says I’m a F’ing B*tch. Just for something as minor as disagreeing with him over something. He has mental health issues which he is getting treatment for but nothing seems to work, definite anger issues, depression, and knows he’s out of order but can’t control his foul mouth. We are married with young children (all under 10).

Obviously I feel like a weak idiot and I don’t know why I stay with him but I’m just not strong enough to leave yet. Mainly due to finances. I would really struggle to provide for the kids on my own if I left and I have also heard him suggest that if I left he would make up stories about me being abusive to him and to the children, possibly meaning the kids could be taken away from me. I don’t have enough evidence of his abuse so I am terrified he could turn this around on me somehow. I have never hit him or the kids once. I don’t even swear and cannot stand it. How on Earth I ended up with him baffles me.

He has smacked the older kids a few times in the past, until I threatened to call the police on him - then he never did it again.

My question is can an abuser ever change? Will it ever fully end? Please tell me your stories, especially if they are hopeful. Does anger management therapy work? Has it worked on any of your partners? He has stopped the violence and it has been a long time but it’s the verbal abuse that I can’t deal with for much longer.

I know everyone is going to say LTB but I just can’t right now.

YABU - he will never ever change in a million years

YANBU - it is possible he could improve and the verbal abuse could end

Brilliant well done! Hope you are feeling OK this morning.

Not too bad thanks. Feel so much happier without him here. Just getting stuck into work! Thank you all

Be a bit careful. He may not take it well when you continue to stand up to him. He's probably expecting you to beg him to come back. He may even think he's punishing you.

Re anger management and change, IMO if someone lashes out in a rage and is devastated later, then they may be able to change. I don't mean crocodile tears I mean genuinely shocked at their own behaviour. They need impulse control but know their behaviour is wrong.
Many people, however, do anger management to help them stay just this side of the line but don't truly regret their behaviour they just regret the consequences for them.

don't truly regret their behaviour they just regret the consequences for them
Ain't that the truth!

You are minimising

This is really very sad

Get out

And listen to the great advice on here

Mine went to a d v perp programme
Got kicked off 5 weeks in for victim blaming
BLATENT victim blaming
😢😢😢😢

There's a new book out called See What You Made Me Do by Jess Hill. It's supposed to be very good and I know domestic abuse victims advocates are raving about it. I'm only a few pages in and it's not a cheap book, but it might be helpful.

And no, I don't think they change.

@dublingirl66

You are minimising

This is really very sad

Get out

And listen to the great advice on here

Mine went to a d v perp programme
Got kicked off 5 weeks in for victim blaming
BLATENT victim blaming
😢😢😢😢

Appalling☹️even though he volunteered to get help he still wouldn't accept he had done wrong☹️

The only domestic abuser I know personally hasn't changed at all. This despite police, involvement, CPS, Cafcas and family court. He now has unsupervised contact with the children and is up to his old tricks, mostly control and emotional abuse.

Cafcass said it was pointless putting him on a domestic abuse course because he either wouldn't or couldn't admit to what he had done. The whole way we treat domestic abusers needs a complete overhaul. If you're not actually putting your partner in hospital then it seems there are few consequences. It's infuriating.

He’s just stopped all financial support. What a C*NT. No idea what to do now

Contact women's aid, get a finance assessment for help with benefits etc.

I don't know much, but someone will be along shortly who does!

And perhaps start a post on relationships asking for help. Wise people hang out there who have been through similar and know the ropes. You are likely to need support- he's obviously planning on being a dick.

I'm sorry lovely, the fact that he still verbally abuses you is a sign he won't/can't change.

I would start a plan to leave. Document the abuse. Start researching/calling agencies to find out what you will be entitled to once you leave. Everything thinks they can't financially leave a relationship but you won't end up homeless. You will have support and your benefits will cover the necessities. In time you can look to get work or retrain.

Your kids may not be well off if you move, but at least they'll learn they don't have to put up with shit in a relationship. Unfortunately at the moment they're learning bad things about relationships that may impact their decisions when older.

Have you got friends? Family? Can you spend a few months building up a network to help when you leave?

Plan. Call organisations (women's aid, citizens advice). Then leave xx

PS. the police won't believe a word he says about you abusing the kids.

Answer management doesn't work. They simply learn new ways to control, which they extend to you.

Abuse programs can work. If they are ready to accept that what they are doing is advise and actually want to change

This is further ways for him to abuse you. Go to CAB. Get your benefits properly sorted. Agreements with landlord etc. Don't take him back. Don't rely on him for money as he'll always use that to control you

We own our house and I also work enough to not be entitled to benefits - however I cannot afford the mortgage bills and childcare all on my own and he knows that. He is Being so evil

I think the advice is SHL, (shit hot lawyer).
They may offer a free 30min session to outline what to do.

Perhaps point out to him that if the house is repossessed you'll both be poorer for it. Can you work out a sensible arrangement so the house is maintained in the short term, and see whether he'll accept it?

Do you keep finances separate? Have you got evidence of his pay? You need to copy documents, bank statement etc so you have evidence of the true financial picture.

It's mid-month so you won't be in financial dire straits right this minute. You have time to see a solicitor, see CAB and speak to CMS.

Re earning some extra £, There are people who run agencies for 3week B&B accomodation for short term visits by foreign students. My neighbour dies it, they're at school all day & exoring at nights. Easy £ &there gone in 3weks.

Get legal advice. You've done the right thing, don't go back on it now.

The trouble is I don’t think I do deserve much more you do think your kids deserve more, and you're right of course. Let's be clear though, I don't know you but I know you deserve more that being abused verbally and physically (in the past) you deserve more because you are a human being and all.human beings.deserve more than that. Chances are you're a decent human being too and there's a future out there for you with someone who loves you.

Your appearance, intelligence and earning potential have fuck all to do with what you deserve. Reflect on the fact that you've said that, do you think ugly poor people deserve to be abused? I'm sure you don't.

When you are lying on your death bed would you rather be bankrupt but surrounded by a loving family and happy memories or financially secure but tied to this abusive dickhead and facing fucked up kids who've suffered a lifetime with an abusive father?