To think it’s petty?!

[WeakLeftFin]

We have 2 DC. DD15 DS14. DS bit very social. Typical Xbox kid. DD more front , always in your face. Likes to talk...a lot.
Anyways, so petty I know but - DD will sit down stairs and watch tele. Netflix or sky. I’ll potter around doing usual stuff. DH will tell DD if she wants to watch tv go to her room and watch it. So ends up being me (if DH home then him) alone downstairs as they aren’t allowed to watch it in the main room.
It’s that bad that DH was talking in his sleep this morning and actually said “you’re not watching tv here when you have a tv in your room” To actually dream it is taking the mick!
I haven’t bought it up yet, I’m brooding over it. AIBU to have an issue with it? The fact he’s dreaming about telling her off too!
I’m waffling I know. But I’m just like WTF.

It can get to me at times and I feel like I find it hard to even say to DD I need alone time. I’m not exaggerating when I say she is up when I am and out lasts me for bed. She will sit outside my room until I come out or will bang on my door or blow my phone up if I’m not up by 7 for her. Some days I try and explain that I just need to have me time, I wfh, I’m a mum constantly and I am pretty happy to be alone. I don’t need a lot of company or a lot of chats, the only time I catch a break on weekends now is I run in the morning. But she will see me off and welcome me home.
DH never used to be like this but then DD wasn’t so needy. It’s like over lockdown it’s become a struggle with both of them.
Some days I see his point especially when I feel bad I’ve snapped at DD or I haven’t so he has. Then I feel bad on DD and put DH in his place and he will leave it.
I flip flop between the 2 as I want to please them. I take DD side then DH even when I may not agree with either. I sit here at times and realise I’ve dug myself a hole with both.
I maybe should have put this thread somewhere else and just explained the whole situation rather than drip feeding the situation.
I’m a weak person where they are both concerned, actually with anyone in my life.

The stuff I watched when my DS was growing up (and went to the cinema to see) just to spend some time with him. I always encouraged him to sit with me as much as possible. I wouldn't dream of sending him away. She must be desperate for attention and feels isolated in her own home. I wouldn't have this

Just from what you’ve mentioned it sounds like your daughter has attachment issues. That kind of smothering clinginess comes from her insecurity.

Unfortunately, you telling her you need space from her is only going to make things worse. I really recommend you talk to a professional.

OP, is she immature for her age? Does she have friends? It's not normal to be glued to your side 6am-11pm.

When I was younger I never, ever got final say over what was on TV in the living room. If I was happy to watch what my parents chose, I would sit there, but otherwise I'd use my small TV upstairs. That was back in the day when we didn't have to be looking at a screen 24/7 though, and I'd sit in the living room and read, colour in (I still enjoy that as an adult haha, never grew out of it) or get my homework done. So I wasn't always in my room by any means, and I never felt it was unfair.

I think it's fair that the adults get to watch TV when they want to - it's theirs after all. My stepson does my head in sometimes because I can't even nip for a wee without some awful anime appearing on the TV and when I question where my show has gone he'll say oh I thought you'd finished (because clearly I'd pause a show and leave it if I'd finished with it haha). And for some reason he'll always move to where I was sitting too. I think it's him trying to show his authority as he is 17 and I'm not his mum. But if he's interested in what we're watching, or we're not watching anything, he can absolutely watch this TV. We make sure he spends at least some time every evening with us, for dinner at the very very least, as he usually just wants to go upstairs and play online with his mates anyway.

To ask her to move when the TV isn't even being used is very unfair, unless there's a good reason the living room has to be quiet. For example we have a super small house so the only place I can relax and read is the living room - and I can't concentrate with the TV on - so DSS will sometimes be asked to watch it in his room. Not often I get the chance to sit and read anyway as I normally have something to do with housework or cooking so it's never too much of a problem.

Basically what I'm saying is that it's fine for adults to get priority, particularly if the kids have another TV and you don't, but just to send the girl up to her room for the sake of things is very very unfair.

If your partner doesn't get on with your daughter, it's not going to work. I know I said my DSS 'does my head in' with the TV thing, but it would if he was my biological son too - on the whole we get on fine! If we didn't, I wouldn't be living with his dad, because it's not fair on anyone.

@WeakLeftFin

Our house is very very small. The front room is linked to the kitchen, and DD does have a habit (when DH hasn’t told her to go up) to eavesdrop and butt into conversations. She is ‘always around’ which I know is annoying for DH and for me sometimes. So the issues do run a lot deeper. And DD isn’t exactly a model child at times. BUT it’s just got to me he’s now dreaming about telling her off. It’s like holy hell. Just rubbed me the wrong way today

Of course she's always around, it's her home ffs. Imagine how she must feel being sent to her room, that's a clear signal her company isn't wanted. Poor girl, try talking to her and involving her in conversations.

Well she's always around because it's her home. It seems your dh has decided he will advocate for you regarding alone time and ask your daughter to go upstairs. Him deciding what you want and need is controlling.

If dd is 15 her behaviour of constantly being by your side and interruptions seems unusual. Is this a lockdown thing? Is she neuro typical?

It sounds like she is struggling if she needs that level of closeness to you to be 'ok'. Have you addressed it with her? Beyond just asking her to give you space, I mean, have you actually talked about why she feels the need to be in such close physical proximity to you all the time? It sounds like insecurity to me - she seems to need constant reassurance that you are 'there' or that she's involved.

All that makes me think it's kind of a vicious cycle - your husband tells her to sit in her room, so she feels unsure of her place, so she shadows you to reassure herself and the cycle begins again. Have her school mentioned any issues?

Why do you let this man let your DD feel unwelcome in her own home? That’s horrible.

It sounds like your DD isn't welcome in her own home. Such a shame.

If he wanted to watch tv downstairs, then I can understand sending her up especially if she doesn’t watch what he does

But if you don’t have a problem and he isn’t there, then he is being petty yes

My dad was like this. His house his rules. He used to just walk in while I was in the middle of watching something and switch it to the news. No discussion. I spent a vast amount of my teenage years up in my room and hated living there. Our relationship was shit and still is.

How did I just know he would be the stepdad.

Lovely way to make your daughter feel she's unwanted in her own home. Talk about barely tolerated!

You have to change this. You can't continue to allow your child to be treated this way.

@Hugsgalore

My dad was like this. His house his rules. He used to just walk in while I was in the middle of watching something and switch it to the news. No discussion. I spent a vast amount of my teenage years up in my room and hated living there. Our relationship was shit and still is.

Same here

It was because “he had been at work all day and he paid the bills”

I think it’s more than petty, I think it’s pretty dysfunctional. Your poor daughter!

Doesn't sound like he likes her. Why are you letting her be raised in a house where she is disliked and wanted out of the way? No wonder she is so insecure and desperate for attention.

I commented on the other thread but you have raised some underlying issues in this one which really do need exploring. Has your DD seen a doctor recently? How is her MH? Sitting outside your door waiting for you to get up in the morning is really extreme behaviour. I have had DD pretty much glued to my side for 3 months but there are some MH issues which we are unpicking and very likely stem from a medical condition. I completely understand the butting in and feeling the need for breathing space. Has she gone back to school now? You sound like you are caught in the middle of two people with MH issues and I would strongly recommend getting some help for yourself - it's impossible to support others when you are struggling yourself.

The more he pushes her away, the more she'll cling to you!

The adults need to sort this one. You as a WFH adult need to establish boundaries with everyone about not being approachable/interrupted when you're working. A quick chat and some ground rules would help. If DD is really oblivious, a sign saying "Working" stuck to a pencil is easy to hold up while you ignore, with perhaps another that days "Private" for when you're talking to your GP! 😲

If you've been a bit soft and accepted her intrusions while telling her not to, that's mixed messages and that needs to stop as it's not fair on anyone.

As for TV and your DP's unpleasant habit of banishing his DSD, why not establish a choice of one favourite show per week with each family member and they always get to watch that one uninterrupted with the rest of the family joining in or not as they please? Then negotiate the rest of the viewing. A TV in a teenager's room is not a reason to banish them nor is it a substitute for family life.

That strategy needs discussion and agreement with your DP before it's shared with the DC. If he really doesn't want family life, he's living in the wrong place, isn't he? He knew you had small children when you got together and small children have a habit of turning into big teens! They are not tiny any more and can't be out to bed after their tea; they get to have a say and a stake in family life.

The small house might be a blessing if it pushes you to solve this. In a bigger house, you might already have lost touch with everyone!

My tip, as a working parent who had one particularly demanding teen (used to come out and start complaining/unloading on me while I was still in the car!) is to build in some sacrosanct "after work transition" where you chill in a consistent spot and cannot be spoken to for 20 minutes by anyone. They are allowed to bring you a cuppa if they want to sit quietly by. Put an eye mask on if need be. Your DD may need visual prompts!

We actually built on a conservatory for the purpose and chilled there together away from all the DC (three teens at the time) with a pot of tea. It was chilly in wintertime, too, but it made all the difference. Radical solution, I know. It can work without the dedicated space, of course - you just need to decide it and be totally consistent. It's for your mental health.

I think it's really sad that you want both your kids to leave you - chatting about a TV programme is family time and leads to much more important conversations.

What about putting best t.v. in parental bedroom, so DH can get plenty of good options
a) satisfaction of alpha male status acknowledged, by having the only large, good quality t.v. (Yes, I know, but all primates tend to need a bit of ego soothing! )
b) uninterrupted peace by closing the door on the noise of the rest of the house, or,
c) if he's not particularly immersed, he could leave the door open and half listen, or even speak to passers by if they cross the landing, or even wander down for as long as he likes and join in?

A cheap,( small, clearly inferior(!)) second hand t.v. downstairs (and in the kitchen another little one, or a p.c. screen) would mean everyone can watch what they like, with whoever else wants to watch with them. It seems likely that, sometimes, choice of programme is a useful and tactful way to disguise choice of this or that company, and/or choice to be left alone in peace.

Your poor DD 😥

@Hugsgalore

My dad was like this. His house his rules. He used to just walk in while I was in the middle of watching something and switch it to the news. No discussion. I spent a vast amount of my teenage years up in my room and hated living there. Our relationship was shit and still is.

My dad was the same, but never once did he tell me to go upstairs just because he didn't want me in the room!

Huge difference between wanting to watch something else (it was always the news) and just not wanting someone there.

OP, when you live in a home together as a family sending your teenage kid upstairs over and over because they annoy you or so you can spend time alone is not normal and damaging to your dd, no wonder she is clingy.

My step parents were all like this, none of them wanted dsis and I to exist. I don’t need to explain what sort of effect that has.

Tell him to move out until DD has left home.

She's being banished to her room in her own home.

I wouldn't have that, she must feel completely rejected.

I did everything I could to foster good relations with my DCs at that age, well any age really, why would you stand by and let this man push your child out like that?

I think this is bugging you for a reason. If you’re honest with yourself, you already have some reservations about his parenting.