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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s petty?!

82 replies

WeakLeftFin · 14/09/2020 09:30

We have 2 DC. DD15 DS14. DS bit very social. Typical Xbox kid. DD more front , always in your face. Likes to talk...a lot.
Anyways, so petty I know but - DD will sit down stairs and watch tele. Netflix or sky. I’ll potter around doing usual stuff. DH will tell DD if she wants to watch tv go to her room and watch it. So ends up being me (if DH home then him) alone downstairs as they aren’t allowed to watch it in the main room.
It’s that bad that DH was talking in his sleep this morning and actually said “you’re not watching tv here when you have a tv in your room” To actually dream it is taking the mick!
I haven’t bought it up yet, I’m brooding over it. AIBU to have an issue with it? The fact he’s dreaming about telling her off too!
I’m waffling I know. But I’m just like WTF.

OP posts:
AnnaFour · 14/09/2020 10:30

How long have you been with him?

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 14/09/2020 10:31

I don't know - him sending her to her room out of sight sits ill with me although I can see some occasions where he might. I remember a child I taught years ago telling me that as soon as she got home, her stepfather asked her to get her homework out of her bag and do it straight away - he even helped her - and I was starting to be impressed. Then she said "And when I've finished I have to go to my room because he wants me to get out of his sight". I don't think she had to spend all evening in her room but even so it's sad that she was told that in her own home.

RedHelenB · 14/09/2020 10:32

As others have said she won't be around when she has a choice

HollowTalk · 14/09/2020 10:35

I guessed immediately that she wasn't his child.

Just out of interest, whose house is it?

SVRT19674 · 14/09/2020 10:39

There will come a day when she wont be around, as she will have other choices, and mummy will be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down her list of priorities as she wants to spend her evenings with miserable stepdad. She will marry, have your grandchildren and never see you and post on MN that she has decided to go low or non contact with mum as she never defended me...

yecannyshoveyergranny · 14/09/2020 10:43

So she tries to join in conversation and hang around the people she lives with and watch tv? Yeah what a nightmare teen. Your partner is a knob and making your kids unwelcome in their own home.

Original poster
WeakLeftFin · 14/09/2020 10:45

It’s our house. We have been together for 11 years now, married for 8.
I do a lot with DD (and DS) when he’s at work. We go on long hikes, chill in front of the tv, talk, do the usual homework and bits. DH has struggled a lot with lockdown and work and his MH which we’ve all tried to be positive about for him. He is getting help and has recently admitted his need to control as when he was younger that’s all he knew. To control situations.
I don’t police just dreams, he was literally mumbling and talking as I was getting up and ready. It’s his day off so left him to sleep in while I sort kids and get them to school.
He just has these issues that come up now and again, I challenge him on every part if I have an issue but I just felt a way this morning that he dreams about it all. I know we don’t get any time together if he doesn’t tell DD to go up, so I do see his point as I see yours (and hers) Weekends could be especially bad for me with DD as she will wake up when I do (6am) and will be by my side until I go to bed around 10/11. And I do find myself telling her I just need 10 mins break from her too. Which please, I feel horrible saying that to her.
As I mentioned previously, we do all have deeper issues I just wasn’t sure if I should be this annoyed he slept talked it. It must be there constant to dream about something he says a lot. Maybe it’s from having her being so full on this weekend? I’m not sure.
I’m yabbering now. I’m sorry

OP posts:
QueSera · 14/09/2020 10:48

Yep, it was my first thought, that he probably isn't DD's dad.
This is heartbreaking OP - your DH treating your child like this. He sounds like a controlling total class-A dick. Stand up for your child please! Quite shocking that you let him treat her like this, banishing her upstairs. She seems desperate for attention! Poor little thing, being treated like a nuisance and sent away, and her mother standing by doing nothing.
Your DH doesn't sound like a good partner or stepfather.

LagunaBubbles · 14/09/2020 10:49

DD does have a habit (when DH hasn’t told her to go up) to eavesdrop and butt into conversations. She is ‘always around’ which I know is annoying for DH and for me sometimes. So the issues do run a lot deeper. And DD isn’t exactly a model child

Your poor DD. A bully and control freak for a Step Dad and a Mother who let's her get treated like this.

WhoWouldHaveThoughtThat · 14/09/2020 10:51

Totally the wrong way round,

DCs should be encouraged to integrate not isolate.

Pr1mr0se · 14/09/2020 10:51

Is this as simple as DH wants to watch something different from DD and therefore sends DD upstairs to her room to watch what she wants to watch on her TV?

i grew up in a house where if you wanted to watch TV you put up with whatever was on as there was only one B&W TV in the house though.....

bluebeck · 14/09/2020 10:54

Your poor DD Sad

Watching TV together is the backbone of normal family life for most of us. But your DH wants to exclude your DD from that.

And you are allowing it.....

Can you imagine how this must make your DD feel? Her stepfather cannot bear to be around her, and her mother is complicit in enabling his excluding behaviour. It's heartbreaking.

ZoeTurtle · 14/09/2020 10:54

Your daughter should not have to live with a controlling man who, by the sound of it, doesn't even like her. I'd be taking action quickly before you find yourself estranged from her, and possibly your son, too.

Original poster
WeakLeftFin · 14/09/2020 10:58

Oh yes. I’m clearly a very weak person. I understand what you’re all saying.
It doesn’t happen every time, I tend to spend time with her a lot as i mentioned above. I challenge him on it but he’s not the easiest person to deal with or level with at times. Other times he’s encouraging and engaging. Like 2 different people but then his diagnosis suggests that anyway.

OP posts:
museumum · 14/09/2020 11:00

I'm torn here because although it sounds horrible to 'send her to her room' if she is genuinely with you from the moment you wake to when you go to bed at the weekend then that doesn't leave a single moment for your partner. I know my husband and I would struggle with that (and he is my dcs dad). Mind you, the kids are quite old enough to stay home a bit so maybe you and dp could go out for a quiet drink once a week? get some proper quality time? That might make it easier to be all together the rest of the week. I know i personally am struggling with lack of personal time right now with dh wfh (i always wfh) and with activities for all of us and places to go out much limited.

jessstan2 · 14/09/2020 11:02

@Florencex

I think it is awful that they aren’t allowed to watch TV with you downstairs. I thought parents usually had a problem with teens spending all their time in their rooms whereas he is banishing them. 🙁

The dream wouldn’t be my main concern here.

That's just what I thought.
TeachesOfPeaches · 14/09/2020 11:07

Why doesn't your husband go and watch tv in his room if he wants peace and quiet ?

CausingChaos2 · 14/09/2020 11:08

Why is it an issue that she joins in with conversations? Surely that’s just her engaging, not interrupting.

It’s really wrong the way your DH is treating her. She needs you to stand up for her now, not just defer to what your DH wants.

TooTrueToBeGood · 14/09/2020 11:10

@bluebeck

Your poor DD Sad

Watching TV together is the backbone of normal family life for most of us. But your DH wants to exclude your DD from that.

And you are allowing it.....

Can you imagine how this must make your DD feel? Her stepfather cannot bear to be around her, and her mother is complicit in enabling his excluding behaviour. It's heartbreaking.

This with bells on. It isn't that important who owns the property, the fact is it is her home as much as anyone else's and she has a right to enjoy it and share it with her family. His behaviour is simply not on. He is making her feel unwelcome in her own home and you will live to regret it if you don't nip it in the bud. My youngest daughter is 23 and hasn't yet felt the need to leave home. My step-daughter who is a few years older spends almost at much time at ours as at her own place. I credit a large part of that to the fact I was happy to watch countless hours of TV that I had no interest in because having the family together in the living room was of far more value for all of us (and I'm not a dictatorial control freak).
Blondiney · 14/09/2020 11:12

I grew up in a house with a very similar dynamic by the sounds of it. I still resent my mother 30+ years later for putting my stepdad's needs and wants before mine.

BlueSlice · 14/09/2020 11:12

Does he spend time with her?

Try and consider how she’s feeling having to live with a man who is making it very clear he doesn’t want her around, doesn’t enjoy her company, doesn’t value her.

You talk of how important it is for him to have control. She has none.

jessstan2 · 14/09/2020 11:12

Your daughter is very unusual getting up at 6am and wanting to stick to mum all day. Most teenagers like to do things without parents and enjoy having their own space. I would be concerned about that.

Lockdown has obvious affected your husband psychologically and he may feel claustrophic at home.

At the moment we can go out to restaurants; why don't you and he go out a bit and leave the kids at home, they are quite old enough. You could even have days out.

When you are at home, try to talk to your daughter about being more independent; it's lovely that she enjoys your company but she is too old to need so much of it. I'm sure you can manage that without hurting her feelings.

You say there is no television in your main room so presumably you have another 'downstairs' room where people can sit. Designate one room for you and your husband at certain times - not all the time - and put a television in the other one. That could be your children's space for some of the time, they may appreciate that, an acknowledgement that they are growing up and are people in their own right. It would be better than your daughter having to stay in her room to watch the box.

This is not advice, only a couple of suggestions.

Hopefully when they are back at school properly and seeing more of friends, things will improve.

Good luck.

Original poster
WeakLeftFin · 14/09/2020 11:13

@CausingChaos2

Why is it an issue that she joins in with conversations? Surely that’s just her engaging, not interrupting.

It’s really wrong the way your DH is treating her. She needs you to stand up for her now, not just defer to what your DH wants.

It’s not an issue if it’s a conversation she can. She did join in my conversation on the phone to the doctors the other day about myself and then interrupted my work meeting when they asked me a question (I wfh and use the kitchen as WiFi is shocking anywhere else) they are the conversations I am on about. DH MH isn’t great, going out for ya isn’t an option right now unfortunately as much as I want too so instead I do take DD & DS out. I don’t know what goes through his head. I’ve tried to get in there but it’s impossible. Some days he encourages her, chats to her, plays cards and bakes with her. Other days he isn’t so welcoming. We always go for our walk at 3.39 til 5. We both chat and enjoy that time and I force DS to come to. He isn’t an issue, he doesn’t hang around, he’s not into conversations and does leave me be.
OP posts:
CharlottesComplicatedWeb · 14/09/2020 11:17

They have to watch tv in their rooms? Sad.

rorosemary · 14/09/2020 11:18

Surely when you started your family your idea of family time wasn't everyone isolated from each other in the evenings? You owe it to your children to try and give them a stable, cosy, emotionally safe feeling childhood. It sounds like the evenings belong to your DH. That isn't family life.

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