Herpes diagnosis and I'm devasted please help me understand

[Maymay898]

I'm going to try make this as short as possible.

I was with now ex for 10 years. I have been faithful he has cheated and also slept with someone while we had a short split.

I get recurrent thrush vaginal ezcema and recurrent bv it's one big recurrent mess. Last week weds I went docs after what I thought was a bad case of thrush ezcema flare up wasn't going away. I hadn't looked down there at this point. Anyway she said she was going to swabs for herpes and I nearly fell off the table. I was gobsmacked to say the least. She gave me thrush meds and steroid cream and sent me on my way. However I could not shake that word herpes. I didn't mention to then dp that she was swabbing for herpes but I did ask if he was doing anything again to which he ended out relationship as he didn't want to be accused continually through our rship. Now up until the point of his reaction I had no reason to doubt him and trusted him fully but his reaction stunned me. The next day I was having a breakdown and called docs and asked if she thought it was herpes as I was devasted. I was a wreck constantly crying in the supermarkets on school runs etc just generally a mess. She tries to reassure me it wa just precautions but it didn't help.

These past few days the symptoms have got worse they look like herpes. Walks like a duck quacks like a duck and all that. So I have herpes and I'm devasted. My now ex is being supportive and after a fair few breakdowns and his initial defensive reaction and possible explanations of to how I have it such as an ulcer in my mouth causing it or shaking hands with someone who has it and touching myself etc he finally accepted some accountability that it could have been him that gave it to me. I know it can lay dormant and by no way was I blaming him I just needed him to admit that there was a chance it was him and to understand why I felt that way.

It's been days I should get official results today but like I said about the duck and all that I'm absolutely devasted I can't sleep I've gone from 78. 9 kg to 73.8kg I physically feel sick when I eat I feel sick when I think I feel so drained my mental health is just going downhill I'm in pain my period also started on Thurs last week so didn't help either. I have spoken to work counselling services and have booked off work as I cannot concentrate.

I know it's common I know people have it but I am just sooo depressed we were literally planning our 10yr anniversary and I got such a shocking present. I already have a messy vagina I can't even begin to think about being with someone again I'm so ashamed of myself.

Aibu for feeling this way? Some people have said ny reaction is over the top but I don't understand how I'm meant to act with this devastating revelation. 20 pages later sorry guys I just don't have anyone to talk to as I am too embarrassed to tell anyone. I have children and I'm so afraid that one day I'll have to teach them about safe sex etc while I have this incurable std myself.

To add about the ulcer in my mouth causing it I know that oral herpes can be passed to the genitals but neither of us have coldsores and we haven't done oral in years it's not my thing.

YANBU.
Sorry to hear, OP.
I know you haven't had your results but I do feel you are right coming to terms with it. Sorry to add more to your plate but have you had a full STI check?
I do feel your ex is a bastard for passing the buck, massively, but I am glad he has finally admitted to the likelihood. BTW, don't give him so much power-he seems to call the shots. You contract herpes from him and yet HE breaks up with YOU.
Focus on healing and managing your long-term condition-you are not alone. Oral and genital herpes are very very common. This flare up will pass.

Does your partner get it but he’s hid the fact he gets it? Such as went to get treatment without telling you

Just to add-there may be a relationship between the mouth ulcer and the flare up. Not that it's the same virus but folks often can have outbreaks of mouth ulcers and HSV when they are rundown-emotionally and immunity-wise.

Hello there.

I had recurrent vaginal thrush while pregnant. It was absolutely awful and nothing touched it. I went to local sexual health clinic and they didn’t even mention herpes to me ...but referred me to the clinic at a nearby hospital that day, clutching a slip requesting...a herpes test!

The very young doctor I saw there examined me and then sat me down and said, like it was the most ordinary thing in the world, like she was offering me a cup of tea “well, it could be herpes”. Like I say, I hadn’t seen the referral slip and I had no idea at all...just thought it was bad thrush. And I knew there could be risk to the baby and so on. I was so, so upset. I asked her to back up and explain the ramifications. She wanted to prescribe anti-viral medicine there and then but I refused that as it still wasn’t certain it was herpes and, given my sexual history, it seemed unlikely and I didn’t want to expose my baby to unnecessary medications.

Anyway, one agonising weekend later, during which we visited friends and I could hardly sleep (or sit. Or walk. Or get a thrush pessary in, it was so swollen sorry TMI!) I phoned the results line on the Monday morning and the herpes test result was negative.

Don’t assume it definitely is it until it’s confirmed. I also was convinced. Really hope you get good news today.

Thank you I really think him accepting the probability of it coming from him helped me a little bit but other than him I don't have anyone else to help me or support me with this I cannot tell my family and I only have two friends and while I know they wouldn't judge me I couldn't bear the thought of them knowing and subconsciously feeling some kind of way about it. Yes I have had numerous tests due to the recurrent thrush so past 18 months I have had at least 10 vaginal examinations and blood tests done too. It's so hard not to give him power because I have no one else I can rely on.

So what you're saying is he cheated and gave you herpes? That does sound devastating and rubs salt in the wound. Read up on herpes, they can flare up but it's not the end of the world Please don't keep confiding in him for your sanity sake

If you have genital herpes then it will be from you partner.
It can only be caught from genital contact.
Coldsores in the mouth are a different type of herpes virus.

Having said that herpes is not a death sentence.
It is extremely common.
Living with genital herpes means a pretty normal life.
I have had the virus for 25 years, had two children and managed not to pass on the virus to my OH in 20 years.
The first outbreak is the worst- so once you get past that any future outbreaks will be milder.
Your GP can prescribe anti viral medication, I keep them at home, and take at the fist signs of an outbreak- which for me is only 2 or 3 times a year, and lasts only 2-3 days. The pain is minimal and apart from feeling slightly under the weather my normal life continues, I can work, still go to the gym, do all my normal activities while I am having an active episode.
I rarely think about it.
Good luck.

That was literally a trying to cover I have not had a mouth ulcer in at least a year 😔

Honestly I have had 6 positive thursh swabs this year alone I definitely know what thrush feels like and looks like unfortunately. And it literally looks textbook herpes.

This seems super dramatic considering you do not having the results back yet. Take a breather. The drs test for these things routinely.

If positive, what’s done is done, your no longer with your cheating ex which is great and as long as you always use protection and don’t sleep with anyone while you have active sores you can still have an active seclude with a new partner.
I hope you get a negative result

Thank you for your reply. I just struggle to belive that someone like me who already has all these other issues that are not even being managed at the moment herpes is just an insult to injury. I have a lower immune system already as well as other stuff I have no idea what they are for example I itch my legs and they bruise I have had so many blood tests I'm not anemic or anything it's literally like I'm a walking disease and should start carrying a card listing all my problems 😢 I know it's so common but even the issues before were affecting my mental health I also had swabs last year which showed heavy growth of mrsa in the cervix which I already have to look out for symptoms as it can be serious I just feel like I'm at the end of my teether and sinking extremely fast.

I know it's probably dramatic given I don't have the results but I'm honestly just at breaking point with everything else going on I'm really struggling.

Hi op, I’ve had genital herpes for 13 years now, I was diagnosed age 17.

I know how you feel, I was misdiagnosed thrush, UTI until I had a full screen and discovered I had genital herpes.

If you need to pm me feel free!

Herpes VS1 (cold sores) can be passed via oral sex and present as genital herpes. It’s rare but it does happen.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.health.com/condition/herpes-simplex/herpes-simplex-virus%3famp=true

If you do get the test back and it says VS1 it means it has more than likely at some point come from oral herpes and can also be transmitted via hands (But more than likely oral sex) if they have just touched a cold sore.

VS1 genitally is much less potent and outbreaks are less often and less severe after the initial outbreak.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP. But if you do have it both VS1 and VS2 are extremely manageable and indeed many people do have the virus. My friend who has VS1 genitally only has one outbreak a year and it’s hardly noticeable with drugs taken at the time.

VS2 you may get up to 4 outbreaks a year, but again after the first outbreak they are less severe and very quick to respond to medication.

I wish schools would teach that VS1 oral herpes can be transmitted via oral sex and fingers to the genitals as it’s becoming quite common.

I am not sure if you are more upset by the herpes or the probable unfaithfulness? I would be devastated to be cheated on and you are not over reacting in that regards.

But if your reaction relates to the herpes itself, yes you are being over the top. One in five women carries the virus.

Twenty years ago, I got genital warts off somebody that I hoped to have a relationship with although it soon fizzled out. I was not ashamed, it was one of those things. I went to the doctor, then repeated visits to the STI clinic, had treatment and although I understand there is no cure, I have never been troubled again.

@speakout - people can get genital infections with either form of the herpes virus and it is very wrong to suggest otherwise.

I hope its negative. What's happening now with your relationship?

You are dealing with two things.
First your partner, relationship, conversations, trust. Can't help with that.
Second the herpes. There I can help. Yes, it is shit. BUT, I have had it 29 years, children, ex-husband of 15 years has never caught it, current partner was very understanding. It is always worse at the start but generally s better. I would suggest you talk to GP and get into a course of antivirals to suppress it whilst you get your head around the relationship etc. In your current stressed state you are really likely to get recurrences because you are stressed. Taking the antivirals will give you one less thing to stress about.
It is not the end of the world. It really isn't.

Even without the cheating aspect you’d be very upset

No wonder you’re devastated

I know somebody who caught it from her husband. The Only person who had cheated In the whole scenario had been His ex wife’s x boyfriend.

Total headfuck for her.

Leave him.

I understand that there are drugs you can take to prevent an outbreak and transmission if it is a positive test. I don't have personal knowledge but this happened to a friend of mine many years ago. I didn't feel any differently about her when she told me. It was just incredibly unlucky that she trusted her ex-boyfriend. She has been in another long term relationship subsequently for many years with much nicer man.

I'd strongly suggest listening to the podcast 'this podcast will kill you' it's by 2 disease epidemiologists and they recently covered herpes. It's full of factual information on herpes (there are a lot of myths online) and it recommends support groups and treatment options.

Herpes is a mild self-limiting infection and is incredibly common

I understand how you feel OP. If the diagnosis comes back positive for herpes then you know for sure - and frankly it sounds as if your partner has admitted it. You do need to make sure that the doctor has fully tested for all STIs so you can get the whole picture and also establish whether any of your other issues are related to your partner's infidelity. On the positive side the anti virals for herpes are highly effective and no other attacks are as bad as the first one - some people never get any further symptoms or attacks and it's often very mild if it does return.

Your ex however is not a good person and you deserve a whole lot better. To have dumped you rather than admit his culpability is disgusting - he ended it with you and used false anger to distract from his responsibility. Think very very hard before you continue any form of relationship with him. He is a lying cheat who has gaslighted you and I can't see what worth he adds to your life apart from having brought pain and disease into it. The work he would have to do to regain your trust is huge - is he capable of doing that?

Whatever people say contracting herpes is also devastating and you are justified in being very upset. It is a mild and common illness but carries a disproportionate social stigma with it. In the public mind it is far worse than having vaginal warts or UTIs. You will have to manage it and mention it to future partners and some may walk away because of it. A lot of people find that very hard to handle. I do think you should look up information about your local sexual health clinic and consider getting direct advice from them about how to manage the physical symptoms and the psychological impact of it. The services are very good and will be able to direct you to further support. It is not a straightforward thing to deal with and you may need some counselling support to deal with the psychological impact of both his infidelity and the medical impact. My heart goes out to you OP. Look after yourself and get the help you need.

I know it can lay dormant and by no way was I blaming him I just needed him to admit that there was a chance it was him and to understand why I felt that way.

Unless you were both virgins when you entered the relationship then there's a chance that he caught it in a relationship before you or that you were the one who had it first.

Herpes is extremely common. Around 90% of people with herpes are asymptomatic and they likely don't even know that they have it.

Typically, after first transmission, you will get an initial outbreak and then occasional reoccurances which are milder and don't last as long. Some people don't get any further reoccurances.

The virus can lie dormant for several years before initially presenting itself or between reoccurances.
I know you were with your ex for 10 years, but it is possible you could have contracted genital herpes from a previous sexual partner.

I don't want to cause you any further distress, but it is possible to get a false-negative herpes swab test. It's actually pretty difficult to get a positive swab test from herpes.
I'm sure your GP is good at her job, but I would advise you to visit a sexual health clinic, explain the circumstances and ask them to take a look / swab you. It's really important that you get the swab done whilst you have an active outbreak (blisters/ulcers/sores that are weeping and haven't started to heal up).

It's a really upsetting time for you, I know. But you need to ensure you get some definitive answers from a sexual health clinic to know exactly what you are dealing with.
Also, if you do have herpes, I know right now it is crushing for you, but it really isn't the end of the world. You will be ok. The outbreak will pass and if you do get reoccurances, anti viral medication can help. Some people take anti viral meds daily/every other day and it prevents them from getting reoccurances.
Herpes is extremely common and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Plenty of people with herpes live perfectly normal fulfilling lives with a healthy sex life.