I'm going to try make this as short as possible.
I was with now ex for 10 years. I have been faithful he has cheated and also slept with someone while we had a short split.
I get recurrent thrush vaginal ezcema and recurrent bv it's one big recurrent mess. Last week weds I went docs after what I thought was a bad case of thrush ezcema flare up wasn't going away. I hadn't looked down there at this point. Anyway she said she was going to swabs for herpes and I nearly fell off the table. I was gobsmacked to say the least. She gave me thrush meds and steroid cream and sent me on my way. However I could not shake that word herpes. I didn't mention to then dp that she was swabbing for herpes but I did ask if he was doing anything again to which he ended out relationship as he didn't want to be accused continually through our rship. Now up until the point of his reaction I had no reason to doubt him and trusted him fully but his reaction stunned me. The next day I was having a breakdown and called docs and asked if she thought it was herpes as I was devasted. I was a wreck constantly crying in the supermarkets on school runs etc just generally a mess. She tries to reassure me it wa just precautions but it didn't help.
These past few days the symptoms have got worse they look like herpes. Walks like a duck quacks like a duck and all that. So I have herpes and I'm devasted. My now ex is being supportive and after a fair few breakdowns and his initial defensive reaction and possible explanations of to how I have it such as an ulcer in my mouth causing it or shaking hands with someone who has it and touching myself etc he finally accepted some accountability that it could have been him that gave it to me. I know it can lay dormant and by no way was I blaming him I just needed him to admit that there was a chance it was him and to understand why I felt that way.
It's been days I should get official results today but like I said about the duck and all that I'm absolutely devasted I can't sleep I've gone from 78. 9 kg to 73.8kg I physically feel sick when I eat I feel sick when I think I feel so drained my mental health is just going downhill I'm in pain my period also started on Thurs last week so didn't help either. I have spoken to work counselling services and have booked off work as I cannot concentrate.
I know it's common I know people have it but I am just sooo depressed we were literally planning our 10yr anniversary and I got such a shocking present. I already have a messy vagina I can't even begin to think about being with someone again I'm so ashamed of myself.
Aibu for feeling this way? Some people have said ny reaction is over the top but I don't understand how I'm meant to act with this devastating revelation. 20 pages later sorry guys I just don't have anyone to talk to as I am too embarrassed to tell anyone. I have children and I'm so afraid that one day I'll have to teach them about safe sex etc while I have this incurable std myself.